He loves his ex and I'm hurting badly

[FaithfulInLove]

 

If you know me and my other threads this might surprise you as much as it has surprised me... .

My ex and me had a one year long beautiful long distance relationship and we were engaged.
Then the break up happened.
But we were talking about MAYBE getting back together since then... .I wanted to work this out, he had trust issues because he was hurt about one thing l did.

He surprisingly got into a new relationship 4 months after he broke up with me - which broke my heart - but that relationship didn't last long and again we got back to talking about working things out... .
But instead he then got back together with HER only three months later, was together with her for 3 months and lived with her... .

Things fell apart again then for reasons I don't know about
Since they've broken up again we got back to talking more and met up a few times.

She got into a new relationship in August.

He kept telling me she was a horrible person who only used him for money, told me they were friends for a while after the break up but then he quit that because she made some mistakes on a day he felt bad. He cut her off.

While he told me this, he still kind of seemed hung up on her on social media.
I could never tell exactly if his posts were about me or about her. A post about hurting because the one he loves is loving someone else made me realise he probably meant her... .But what he told me about her didn't match... .

Her new relationship lasted until this Christmas... .
Next week is her birthday and what l found out on his social media again, is that he'll see her then. He's talking about being so happy because he never believed he'd get such a chance again... .

It all sounds like he'd do anything to make things work with her again. And honestly? That girl (in her early twenties) has a kid and jumps from one relationship into the next, it wouldn't surprise me if he got that chance, as charming as he can be... .


You see, I'm still on this board. It's one year and four months. I still want him back. I still want this to work. I love him.

If he loves his recent short term ex that he lived with for a few months, than me, the woman he's been with for a year on a long distance, who he wanted to get married to... .
Do you think if l wait this out I can stand another chance?

It's just a month ago that we've seen each other and hooked up - but everything else l got from him was cold politeness... .

I love him, I'm hurting a lot.

I hope someone has some comforting words for me. This is all really hard for me.

We're in no contact for a few weeks, l asked for space and only talk to him when he reaches out which he sometimes still does... .But not since he found out that he might have another chance with her... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey faithful.

Sorry to hear that things are not going as you hoped.

This is a difficult situation. I know how that feels, I'm in a similar situation about my gf going back and becoming "best friends" (I don't buy that, I think they're back together) with her cheating ex.

Do you think if l wait this out I can stand another chance?

I know you feel like he's the world to you, and that you were willing to wait for him. Give yourself time to process this. There is no way to know what the future holds.

I hope someone has some comforting words for me. This is all really hard for me.

I followed your last thread for a good while, I know the effort you have put into figuring it all out. You've made some great progress in seeing all the angles and standing up for your own values and looking for ways to improve communication.

Faithful, you've done well for yourself.

Stay strong.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you for your kind and understanding words.
I appreciate it a lot that you are by my side during this whole story and this painful plot twist.

All the time he acted as if she was out of the picture. Told me she wasn't good for him, that they aren't talking anymore.

As the title sais I'm hurting badly and I'll definitely be going to see a doctor to get further help. I see that therapy alone can't pull me out of this crisis. I'm too deep down in this pain.

I know you feel like he's the world to you, and that you were willing to wait for him

And this - EXACTLY THIS - is what my ex is saying about her. That he's willing to wait and work things out no matter how long it takes and that he's so thankful for that second chance and he hopes things will turn out for the better... .

That's what he's posting online, knowing l can read this while he doesn't say one word to me directly. (If I hadn't been stalking her Facebook I'd be here still wondering what these posts are about! So he isn't even direct on there!)

It feels so disrespectful and I'm deeply hurt because all I'm waiting for for nearly one and a half years is a second chance with him.
He sees me hurting - but isn't man enough to tell me he loves someone else and that l can stop hoping because he just lost feelings for me and loves her instead.

If he just expressed it like this, but whenever l say something like "I see we don't have a chance anymore" he'll come around saying "MAYBE we do... ."

Of course I'm going crazy here!
I'm feeling played with but still, still all l want is him back in my life and planning his future with me.

He didn't even read the last message l sent to him. I'll try to not wish him a happy new year tomorrow, I wanna let him be the one reaching out first because I'm feeling stupid for running behind someone who's chasing someone else and doesn't even tell me what he's hoping for while he knows he's my whole world...

[FaithfulInLove]

He hasn't been online on our app for a week, didn't read my last message... .until today!

Today he's been online and read it. A little friendly reply to his last message to me.

So, he's obviously been thinking of me. I can't tell whether he's wondering if he should tell me about what's happening in his life... ? Or if he feels like deleting that app again... .Or if maybe he even did that which would be horrible for me as it's the last thing that connects us at this minute...

I wish he'd wish me a happy new year.
Would you reach out first in my place after being pushed away like this?
I mean, officialy we're friends and I'd love to wish him all the best, but I feel that to turn the while dynamic I should let him be the one thinking of me, after ignoring me for a week and being all excited about his ex... ? Without saying a word to me?

What do you think?

Right now there is nothing we can work on. He wants her, not me. Should l stay silent and wait for him to show me he wants this friendship still and protect myself?

[nedley]

I'm sorry you're suffering, it sounds like this really isn't fair to you. I'm not a therapist or qualified to help anyone at all in this matters... .But my first thought is, you sound so loving and ready to make changes for someone you love, you deserve better.
Is this being selfish?
I would hope to see some type of effort from someone I love and is in a relationship with me.
I hope you receive the love and attention you give so sincerely.

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you, Nedley, I agree so much, but I feel like while it's really important to me to at least keep this friendship alive he just doesn't care at all anymore.

I feel like if I still want this I'll be the one having to make an effort, but then I'm looking at her. She didn't make any effort and is getting her third chance by now.

Maybe I have to be like her and just move on and that will make him make think this through again when their relationship fails again...

Thanks for being there.

And happy New Year to everyone reading this.

[itsmeSnap]

I see that therapy alone can't pull me out of this crisis. I'm too deep down in this pain.

Take care of yourself faithful, this sounds serious.

If I hadn't been stalking her Facebook... .

I also found out about about my gf's current situation through social media, it was a public post that was shared and ended up in my feed. Faithful, this can become a habit that will take you further down the rabbit hole, looking for clues and "signs" without direct confirmation of what is going on.

Would you reach out first in my place after being pushed away like this?

I have not.

My gf made a decision, I reached out to her and she would not respond, she told her coworker I was someone else to avoid even acknowledging that I had messaged her. I took a step back.

I am on the fence about talking to her if she reached out again, I think I would. Right now I am focusing on my own process.

Right now there is nothing we can work on. He wants her, not me. Should l stay silent and wait for him to show me he wants this friendship still and protect myself?

There is only so much you can do here.

I get what you mean by "protecting yourself". I don't know how that will translate to action on your part, hopefully it is about building a better self.

Maybe I have to be like her and just move on and that will make him make think this through again when their relationship fails again...

Funnily enough I also concluded in my own thread that I'd start being "reckless" like my gf and jump into the next relationship head first. Others advised caution and I can see why.

I'm just pointing out how we hyper-react to the thing we notice we were lacking. I had no clue about a lot of things, now I notice every little detail, it keeps me on edge. It takes practice getting our reactions to the proper level.

And happy New Year to everyone reading this.

Happy new year 

[FaithfulInLove]

Happy new year! Thank you!

What I'm so scared of is that he might get and that I'm not wishing him a happy new year, that he uses this as an excuse to say "We're not really using our app anyway, I'm gonna delete it (cause I'm with someone else)"

I don't want this to happen as I'm blocked/unfollowed everywhere. I'm feeling so disconnected, l have no words.

[FaithfulInLove]

So, he doesn't talk to me. Not a word since Christmas.

On social media he seems nervous but calm and hopeful.

I miss him. For two years - apart from the 1 month break and the days of total dysregulation last year - there has barely been a day without talking although by now we're broken up longer than we've been together... .

I have no words for how much l miss that man.

I consider his ex as crazy since I've seen in how many on and off relationships she has been within the past years (that's what Facebook sais), being so young.
I wouldn't be surprised if she took him back although he recent break up is only like a week ago.

If she's good in those on and off behaviours and my ex is master of crazy behaviours anyway, I'm scared that she'll stay in the picture for a very long time.

I'm feeling awful for not reaching out for the new year and even more awful that he didn't do it.

Can someone give me hope that this is still savable? Our relationship has been a fairytale before the break up and there was much hope for us before she came.
It has not only been my longest relationship but also his. Can this all be forgotten so fast?

[itsmeSnap]

Can this all be forgotten so fast?

Unfortunately pwBPD can convince themselves they never loved you, its the splitting part of the disorder; yes, it is possible.

I'm scared that she'll stay in the picture for a very long time.

Very real possibility.

My gf met her current "best friend"/cheating exbf after one of our first breakups. We've been on and off for about two years, I suspect she goes back to him whenever things don't go as planned between us.

Can someone give me hope that this is still savable?

Right now he is with her, "savable" will depend on your definition of the relationship and how you deal with that.

The situation is not ideal faithful, this could take a long long time, maybe forever.