Not understanding our children's reactions

[lonely38]

 I have been very close to my children.  Now with divorce it appears they are pulling back.  I totally understand why they not want to be close, but I have to say it feels heartbreaking to me.

My oldest daughter over the phone tonight shared that everything is not being handled correctly? She would not elaborate but said she was starting therapy this next week to ask that person some questions.

I can only believe my BPD husband is out make me look bad, even putting together a case of my emotional stability as he has said to me in the last few discussions that he knows I am on a bunch of meds and that I am the one who may be off emotionally.  He has been justifying his stuff to our children and friends.  It is very hard to not correct and also to not  be calling and reaching out to them all the time, which it seems this is somewhat true of my BPD husband. 

My oldest daughter told me that she would need some space.  I want to tell her all the horrible things her dad to me over the years and how he has made me demeaned, 'less than', not safe.  This is not to mention his 30 years of infidelity to me. 

Somehow I am feeling I am the villian and they are looking at me this way? I realized that I have posted on here with the same questions about children.  I am wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with their own children?  Thankfully, our children are all grown, but it honestly feels like I am being victimized again for some reason that I have heard no specifics about.

If anyone has thoughts I may not have considered, I am open to hearing about it and how to proceed.

[ForeverDad]

Therapy or counseling is a good thing, generally.  A lot depends on whether the therapist is experienced and can handle the issues and demands of a dysfunctional family.  (H the controller and demeanor, W the appeaser and fixer, D the child caught in between and perhaps wrongly influenced.)

Understand the therapist can't force fixes.  despite the underlying problems, a therapist should focus on how to help the youth to assess her issues and teach skills to better handle her concerns.  A lot of that is what we do too, learning improved and smarter communication skills, how to determine which are our problems and which are others' problems, etc.

Who recommended or selected the therapist?  The school?  As I understand it, a therapist generally requires both parents (or the court if one parent opposes) to sign off before starting therapy.  Your daughter probably has some level of confidentiality in her sessions.  But you should be able to at least some feedback from the therapist.  You ought to be able to provide background information such as the overall family dynamic, just remember this is not a Blamefest, probably best to stay focused on what impacts your daughter.

[lonely38]

Thankfully, all children are grown.  While I believe they would all benefit from some therapy, at this point, I don't think they would listen to too much of anything I might mention.

I have been told to give them space to process.  I am hoping I can do that without feeling frustration toward them.

[ForeverDad]

While I believe they would all benefit from some therapy, at this point, I don't think they would listen to too much of anything I might mention.

They probably wouldn't want the long sad details.  They would want validation of their feelings, in time they may accept your guidance to the past reality.  The value of good counselors is that (1) they've had training, (2) they can share perspectives and teach skills as emotionally neutral experts.

Remember the old story that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink?  That may describe your spouse, but probably not the kids, or not all of them.

I have been told to give them space to process.

Space, perhaps, to an extent.  But too long or too much and they may lose connection with you.  And you mentioned he had told them his biased claims.  You don't want their current feelings influenced by your ex to continue for too long that you're part of the problem.  (Maybe you were when you were an appeaser, but you're done with that.  You'll have to prove over time you're changing for the better just as you want for them.)  In other words, be there but not pushing an agenda, get a feel for where they are and do what you can at that level.  For all we know they may never want to hear all the details, at least not anytime soon.  In time they may see you're not hiding his poor behaviors or 'protecting' him from consequences any more.  In time they may listen to your account or proofs of the history.  Your calm, stable and loving example now may prove more than words ever could.

Do you have a counselor?  An experienced counselor could assist you in techniques and skills to regain or improve your relationship with your children.

[lonely38]

Thank you, I do have a very good therapist who is helping me to navigate the details here.  I do know our youngest told me this week (after meeting her dad for dinner) that she did not want to hear more justification between her dad and I.   I told her I completely agree with her and that this is my plan unless they decide to ask me any questions, of which I would be willing to share only if asked. 

Talking to them about their dad justifying himself is a bit tricky.  While I want to remain in contact with them, I do believe they are capable at this point of making decisions based on the fact as they are all in such an emotional state with the details.  I guess even though I had read all of this was a possibility that I never really expected it.

Our oldest daughter who is 38 has told me that she needs space from both her dad and me and also says that her BPD dad and I are handling 'things badly'.  I am not sure exactly what she means as she refused to elaborate.  I do know she is starting therapy and I am hopeful she will get some good clarity and advice there.