Daughter's emotional outbursts drive people away

[Vell55]

It took me awhile to find this site. The first thing I did was review the video introduction to BPD; it is quite well done and informative. As a parent, I found myself near tears a few times just listening to the stories and experts featured. My daughter is currently on a waitlist for DBT and group therapy. She’s a young adult who truly struggles with everything from anger and emotional “rollercoasters” to holding down certain types of part-time work to passing courses at the local community college.

Recently, I’ve found myself more and more depressed and exhausted myself. I blame myself for most of her difficulties. I know the diagnosis often comes as a relief to both patient and family, and that was the case for a month or so. But then, we all had to survive another holiday season, which we did.

So I’m here to learn more, to see how other people cope, and to try to find ways to make a relationship with my daughter work to her benefit and to mine.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi Vell55 and

im glad you found us! although, im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

Recently, I’ve found myself more and more depressed and exhausted myself.

you will need a strong support system. i hope that youll stick around and make yourself at home here as part of the family. there is hope... .with support, members here have turned their lives and relationships around.

I blame myself for most of her difficulties. I know the diagnosis often comes as a relief to both patient and family, and that was the case for a month or so. But then, we all had to survive another holiday season, which we did.

a diagnosis is definitely news that you can work with. what led up to it? had she been in therapy or counseling before?

I’m here to learn more, to see how other people cope, and to try to find ways to make a relationship with my daughter work to her benefit and to mine.

tell us more about your relationship with your daughter, and the ways both of you are struggling.

[Only Human]

Hi Vell55 

I join once removed in welcoming you to BPD Family.

You have definitely come to the right place for all you are seeking; I'm sorry it took you a while to find us but am so glad you did.

Many of us, myself included, blame ourselves for our children's difficulties. It's easy to go down that road, especially with all the junk psychology found on the internet about BPD, which is usually outdated and harmful to caring parents like us. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are here, looking for support, it's obvious that you care deeply for your daughter.

Like once removed, I hope you make yourself at home here, members here are very supportive, no judgments, and are willing and eager to help. I came here in crisis a few months ago and I'm so glad I stuck around. I posted my heart out (still do) and little by little, my relationship with my DD25 is improving.

Again, welcome to the family. I look forward to getting to know you and how we can support you.

~ OH

[Vell55]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome.

My daughter’s diagnosis actually came as a result of an in-depth interview and set of tests she had upon the recommendation of her psychiatrist to explore possible learning disabilities or ADHD. The psychologist administering the tests was the one who suggested BPD.

She has struggled with anxiety and depression for quite awhile, beginning really in the middle school years. She lost her father (my late husband with whom I adopted her at birth) from cancer and my own (now I see as overly demanding) expectations (academically, socially). I always focused on moving forward and moving on and finding solutions as opposed to “wallowing” in one’s problems. (Pull yourself up and make yourself better always worked in my family, who are loving but not overly demonstrative.)

I never could figure out why my daughter couldn’t just motivate herself. Why she would “refuse” to follow directions, why she had such difficulty maintaining long-term friendships with other girls, why she wouldn’t just join in on the fun or gather some courage and take risks. I was disappointed in her and showed it.

I remarried (she hates, doesn’t hate, really hates him); my daughter graduated from high school and started community college. She has few friends. Her emotional demands drive away boyfriends (not a bad thing based on the boyfriends), as well as friends (I sense). She does have a wonderful roommate now, who seems to understand a bit about my daughter’s mental health issues as she struggles with some of her own.

My daughter always sensed there was something wrong. Therapy in early high school didn’t do much, but she has continued to try to find answers. She is on medication for both depression and ADHD now. Our relationship is close but the closeness is also exhausting. On Christmas Day, there were three separate outbursts with tears (and, as always, the holiday was rather miserable); she was fired from one of her part-time jobs this week. (I didn’t ask why.) Every time I mention talking with her therapist based an unusual behavior I’m “gaslighting” her with her mental illness.

She is on a waitlist for DBT and group therapy with the providers associated with my insurance. I called a private provider last week to see if they would take her insurance and had openings and hope I hear back soon. I also want to find a professional who can help me help.

The worst part of our relationship are the times when she refers to herself as “a worthless piece of ___” and wants to die. All the training I have ever received says this is the time to refer young people to experts. I’m incapable of handling these comments. I used to insist she’s NEVER refer to herself that way, but obviously that doesn’t/didn’t work. And sometimes when I tried what I thought was empathetic listening she would go on, and on, and on, and on, like there was no stopping her.

If you asked both of us about our relationship, we would both say we love each other very much, but that doesn’t help with the day-to-day drama and my worries that she will never really be able to take care of herself.

I envy parents (my brother, my sister, my current husband) whose adult children call them up to tell them about something great that just happened to them (or get accepted to great colleges, get raises), stop by for a visit without needing the entire focus to be on them, talk about future goals, don’t talk about suicide, go shopping by themselves for things they need, invite them to an activity they love, go with them on a hike, accept no for an answer without a dozen paragraphs of texting.

Sometimes I want those things so badly I turn into a pathetic puddle of self-pity, which is what brought me here.

[Tinkerbelle]

Dear Vell55,
You are not alone and this is a great site with many bright experienced members who have all been there. It is so sad to know our children are suffering. I hope counceling helps her.
Prayers,
Tinkerbelle

[smallbluething]

Welcome Vell55 - a lot that you describe about your daughter's and family situation seems very similar to my daughter. I'm a newbie here but I'm sure the more experienced folk with have many useful things to share. I'm currently reading "The essential Family  Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" - I'm hoping to use the tools within to manage *my* side of our relationship better and more effectively than I have been.

I envy parents (my brother, my sister, my current husband) whose adult children call them up to tell them about something great that just happened to them (or get accepted to great colleges, get raises), stop by for a visit without needing the entire focus to be on them, talk about future goals, don’t talk about suicide, go shopping by themselves for things they need, invite them to an activity they love, go with them on a hike, accept no for an answer without a dozen paragraphs of texting.

Sometimes I want those things so badly I turn into a pathetic puddle of self-pity, which is what brought me here.

I can really feel your pain here as I often feel exactly the same in this situation. My other daughter was diagnosed with MS a couple of years ago and in my darker moments I so so wish even just *one* of them could be OK.