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Author Topic: 2019 and I'm hitting a wall. His behaviors have escalated and I'm burnt out  (Read 767 times)
misuniadziubek
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« on: January 01, 2019, 03:44:17 PM »

I wasn't looking forward to feeling like this. I mean no one wants this to be the case.

I know holidays are triggers. I know Jadeing is a trigger. I know my existence is sometimes a trigger.

I'm burnt out. There's a part of me that wishes he found himself someone better. Someone more resilient to his abuse.

Usually the pendulum swings both ways and so things are tolerable. Right now things are way too one sided.

And he treats it and talks about it like it's normal. And I'm spending a lot of time with silent tears and thinking about how wonderful it would feel to be with someone who was consistently appreciative and compassionate and patient and didn't treat every mistake like I had intentionally driven over his dog. I seek support and validation from others regularly but I'm starting to feel very alone.

I've become so much better. Ive gotten a handle on my anxiety. I'm consistently less depressed and I've even formed a really good dynamic with my family where I take time to spend time with them regularly. I did a year of therapy. I've started meditating and even my work situation has improved. I'm so incredibly proud of myself.

And then I come see my BPDbf and I just feel the energy drain out of me bit by bit. Is it any wonder I don't want to move in with him?

Last night we had a fight because he had given me a crumpled and ripped fast food bag in the car and I had thrown it out. Apparently he had gotten extra sauces and left a burger in there. He didn't say anything until literally 11 hours later when he started calling me names and saying I'm a failure and he doesn't want to believe his partner of five years is that stupid. I told him I didn't know it was garbage and he could have said something. He proceeded to throw my sketchbook against the door and yelled out "sorry, didn't know it wasn't garbage."

That's when I packed up my stuff and left to cool off. He proceeded to throw out the t-shirts he was planning to give me into his garbage can. I messaged him that I'm not going to be near him when I don't feel safe. And him being so angry he starts throwing things makes me feel unsafe...

I came over Saturday night midnight as opposed to during the day. I finally took a vacation from work for the first time in two years and I wanted to catch up on cleaning and organizing my house and also binge watch some Netflix along the way. Cue the most awful splitting. I don't love him anymore. I don't want to spend with him. I wasn't actually organizing. I'm spending time with someone else. He misses when I used to actually want to spend any free time I had with him. And the gold mine: " You're the busiest person I know that never had a damn thing to show for it. Somehow you're always allegedly busy and your world is yet still trashed and no money."

How do I go about and pretend like those aren't hurtful words?

Every time I don't do everything as he wants or make a mistake, I'm a failure at life or intentionally 'retarted". And I don't even know what to say. I'll try to be validating and tell him I understand but he will start on a tirade. "Why did you do it? Why are you so incompetent?"

And if I don't respond to his question in any way or give an answer. I'm ignoring him and I'm a miserable cu"t of a bit+Ch and I'm the one deciding we're gonna have a bad day. And not responding means I'm sulking and ruining the day...


How do I respond to someone calling me an idiot? I haven't figured that one out yet.


I know something is going on with him. He's become more aggressive in the bedroom as well. He's respectful enough that I don't shy away but this morning he kept grabbing me after I told him that it felt too painful to be touched and that I needed a few hours of sleep. I finally had to grab his hand and move it off my chest at which point he started to call me frigid and a wet blanket.
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« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2019, 09:40:37 PM »


How do I respond to someone calling me an idiot? I haven't figured that one out yet.


Generally... .I'd say there is no reason to respond. 

 

After he calms... .is he ever apologetic?  remorse?

FF
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« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 06:35:08 AM »

I would say to pay attention to your feelings. You feel the energy drain from you when you are around him, you don't want to move in with him. I think many of us tend to focus on our partner's feelings but our feelings are telling us something. It may feel confusing if you have positive feelings for him too. Maybe keeping a journal will help if you can keep it private from him ( essential to do this ).

For feeling burned out, some self care is key. Your work vacation was a good thing and spending some time to yourself is a good thing. I would say do more of spending some time with yourself- to figure out your thoughts and feelings. It's hard to do this in the presence of someone else.

You have grown and come a long way. We tend to choose a partner who is our emotional match in some ways. If one partner grows emotionally, it may create some discomfort. Both people tend to have a pattern with each other and if one person changes that- begins to have boundaries- it can create discomfort for the other partner. This is a good thing- your growth is a good thing and it also has created an opportunity for the other partner to grow as well- or not- if they choose not to.

Your BF is reacting to the discomfort of not having things his way. His reaction, destroying the shirts, calling you names, is a projection of his initial discomfort. It's an extinction burst. If you don't give in to his wishes for you to not have these boundaries, then he then has to struggle with his feelings- and either learn to manage them or not. This may lead to improvement in the relationship or both people may find themselves not compatible in time.

Keep in mind that one thing we can tend to do if we "fix" these feelings is keep our partners from this kind of growth. It's like if a child has a tantrum when he doesn't get a cookie for dinner- and the parent gives him the cookie- he doesn't learn to manage his feelings. He will keep on tantruming. Your BF calling you names and getting upset is a form of tantruming. You did the right thing by letting him be and cooling off on his own.

You've come a long way in your growth. This incident is a sign of that- you held your grounds and took care of you.

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« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2019, 10:13:11 AM »

First, you should most certainly celebrate how far you've come this year in taking care of yourself - going to therapy, setting boundaries, meditating - that's all WONDERFUL! 

Second, I totally empathize with you. I have a uBPDh who sounds like he is very similar to your BF. He came from an abusive childhood, so, of course, abusing others is natural to him. I've gotten some breakthroughs in explaining to him (when not splitting) how it's okay to make mistakes, that we're all human. He has a very hard time with this, both within himself and with others. He once berated and lectured me for an hour over me accidentally throwing away an IKEA receipt for some odds and ends when it turned out we'd bought the wrong string lights for the back yard. His repeated phrase is always, "WHY would you DO that?" like I'm the biggest moron that ever lived.

One thing I knew but really haven't fully internalized until now is that we cannot change them, and we have to stop wishing they'll magically return to the person they "put on" when they were first with us; but we CAN change how we internalize and react to their abuse. I struggle with JADE-ing too. Not over the absurd accusations, because I know they're ridiculous (like "you hate me," or "you always... ."), but over the little things that I don't even realize he's splitting over. For example, the other day he had handed me a nail clipper because I'd broken my nail. I clipped my nail and put it back where he'd gotten it from. The next day, he needed it and couldn't find it, and accused me of misplacing it. I said, "Well, I put it right back where you got it from." He accused me of mis-remembering, and I got a bit defensive and said, "Well, I didn't move from the bathroom, so I don't know how it could have been placed anywhere else." From there, he started to lose it, berating me like a child. I was getting ready to go on a run, and he said, "You're going to stay here and look until you find it." I, again, defensive, said, "What if it's gone? I might just die here, looking, I guess!" He proceeded to lose it on me, raging, spit flying out of his mouth, shaking his finger. I ran into the bedroom and locked the door. He didn't come after me, but yelled after me for a little bit. Later, he calmed down and apologized for getting so angry with me. He said he was having a panic attack over losing something (which he often does, which I should have known), and I was making it worse because I was being unsupportive and defensive. I told him it wasn't an excuse to rage out and start screaming. He agreed and said he would work on himself. For the first time, I told him I would not have a marriage where raging and screaming and throwing and breaking things occurred. I said that if he wanted to exhibit that sort of behavior, I could not live with him. I made sure he understood that, so that he wasn't surprised when I said I didn't want to live with him anymore if he again exhibited such behavior. I told him I needed to protect myself and be safe.

Part of what I'm hearing in your language is that his abuse has taken its toll on your self esteem. He's got you thinking that you're not "good enough" to be a partner to him. But think about this: are your needs being met by him? Is HE being a partner to you? That's an important challenge to face yourself, that it is not you who is failing him, it's him who is failing you. And he knows that, which is why he puts on the controlling, abusive behavior. He knows he isn't capable of being the person you need, but he is unwilling, clearly, to do anything about it. And, the truth is, unless our BPDs get therapy and commit to therapy on their own, they will not be capable. My therapist, who specializes in BPD, says to think of them as you would an alcoholic. A lot of them won't seek help unless they have hit "rock bottom." A lot of the time, we partners are kind of keeping them from hitting "rock bottom" because we are enablers. I'm slowly un-enabling, but it's a process.

These BPDs know we're good people and also know we are the kinds of people who tend to be hard on ourselves. They love to play on our guilt and also shame us for taking care of ourselves. I try to think of my H as the 14-year-old kid who needs some tough love to learn to grow up. I also acknowledge that it's hard on him and scary, and he doesn't deal well with his emotions. He's picking up more work now and taking on some financial responsibility. I understand this comes with more panic attacks, so I have to be mindful of the potential landmines, but I also know that this is helping him.

Keep setting boundaries and holding them. Don't let Fear, Obligation, or Guilt (FOG) consume you. Focus on what you need to be healthy and whole. Keep removing yourself if he starts in with the verbal abuse. Don't respond if he calls you a name. I usually pretend I don't hear it. Sometimes I chuckle to myself if it's particularly ridiculous. And you know what? Ignoring it has made some of it go away. A bully has no weapon if you take your toys and go home, or ignore them. He knows he can hurt you, which is, unfortunately, why he does it. If he can hurt you, he can control you. Don't let him have that kind of power over you. As my therapist says, "You wouldn't let a 14-year-old control you, would you?" You have the power, you have control over yourself - he doesn't.

Sorry this was so long-winded! Take care.
WEW

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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2019, 10:36:27 AM »


I'll try to a more thorough answer later.

If you are worn out... .then I would suggest your "boundary lines" could be more effectively deployed. I would hope you spend some time thinking about the things that "exhaust you" and how you can change things (without any input from your BF) so that there is less exhaustion for you.

Remember:  It's not about him liking your decisions.  It's about your energy and protecting it.

Best

FF
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« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2019, 10:57:18 AM »

We nons often get into a pattern of appeasing our pwBPDs so that they don't dysregulate.

What works for me has been to "retrain" myself and my partner to realize that just because we're in a relationship, I will not tolerate behavior from him that I wouldn't tolerate from a stranger.

For example: should he say unkind or abusive words to me--I will give him a "time out" by leaving the room and telling him that behavior is unacceptable. Should he continue, then I'd leave in a bigger way, for a longer period of time.

It's of no benefit to them or us to allow them to treat us in a disrespectful manner.
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« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2019, 12:09:13 PM »

We nons often get into a pattern of appeasing our pwBPDs so that they don't dysregulate.
 

So... .there is a theory where we put "good stuff" in their tank.  "White marbles in" instead of "black marbles"

At least that's what I tell myself when I do things for my wife that I wouldn't otherwise do. 

If I start feeling resentful or I'm worn out from effort... .then I start evaluating if I've done too much.

My gut is that the OP here has done too much or "taken too much"... .and her feelings are telling her about it.

FF
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2019, 01:31:19 PM »

Wow, so many responses this morning.

First of all, FF, he definitely feels remorse and apologizes as a whole later, but it's usually right before I leave home or after Ive been gone a few hours. The loneliness creeps in and he starts to feel remorse over how he was treating me for the past two days. Things like I am sorry I am not a good partner for you sometimes and I hope you know that I love you very dearly and appreciate that you were here the last few days because I was really not in a good place.


It's all well and done but today is my first day back after this last weekend and I am so drained and exhausted that i don't even know where to start. I didnt take very good care of myself while I was at his place either, but meh, holidays.

Notwendy, you're right. They are extinction bursts. Just like when I last pointed out how silly he was being trying to attack me for not wanting to shower a second time in two hours just because he felt frisky but failed to mention that. He told me I had become cold and distant and it made him feel uncomfortable and tried to attack me verbally and tell me to leave.

The words are just there to garner a reaction. Sometimes when I finally break and start crying, he;ll say things like. wow finally a showiing of some emotion.
He literally wants me to be in the same pain as him otherwise he feels discomfort.


He recently attacked me about my hoarding and my therapy, saying he had no idea i had been doing therapy for my hoarding and trauma because I never tell him anything. I had 3-4 conversations about this back in the summer when he was being very verbally abusive about my car never being clean and said I should go get professional help.

Well, yeah. Im literally doing that right now. Then he told me that my therapist is going too soft on me and i should get a better one. xD

And it's not that I don't think I'm good enough, persay. I know he's not going to find someone like that. Its just that when he keeps saying, why cant you be better... .it takes a toll.

I am human. I will make mistakes and there's no reality out there where i'm better at not being human and don't make mistakes. It's not about making mistakes, it's about handling mistakes, and he is godawful at handling things not going his way. He needs to work on that and its really me wishing that he sought help to learn how to handle things better.


It's not like i dont have compassion for his struggle, but holy moly, it sucks that he repeatedly bites me on the hand whenever i try to offer him some and pushes me away even further.

My issues aren't that he's not who he was when I met him. My issue is that he goes from affectionate puppy to rabid dog in mere minutes.

We went back to talking about the stupid fast food sauces while driving home. He expressed a worry that one day I will throw out something that is expensive of his or accidentally get him trouble because i left something of his in his car like a flash drive he had in his pants pocket. I told him that he can prevent that sort of thing by being clear about what he needs me to do (Saying, can you make sure these clothes go in the house as opposed to throwing 10 different things my way and saying, can you make sure ;those' get in the house.) In which case, i mistook him telling me to put his energy drinks in the fridge to keep cool rather than the pair of pants with a flash drive.

He responded with he should not have to. His instructions are clear enough for any retard to understand.

There is no reasoning with him. I can't get him to change these 'vague' communication behaviours and stupid things will keep happening becuase he fails to tell me the whole story.

I try to stay positive and upbeat, but sometimes the best thing he can give me is to leave for an hour and get stuff done so i can have some quiet time and be happy.
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« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2019, 01:34:53 PM »


So... it's good he feels remorse and seems to use appropriate words. 

Are there examples you can think of where remorse leads to action.  Hopefully action specifically to lessen chances of abusive things in the future.

FF
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« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2019, 02:32:11 PM »

misuniadziubek, you say you wish he would get help to be able to handle things better. Has he ever talked about getting therapy as well? He seems to have quite a few opinions about your own therapy, but has he discussed at any time getting help himself?

One of the principles in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is "radical acceptance," and it's a principle that I have had to adopt for my situation. The idea is accepting all and everything that there is as it really is at this moment in time. The idea is to accept, and not resist, what you cannot change. With this idea of radical acceptance in mind, as it stands, your BF isn't getting the help he needs. Knowing what you know, what are you willing to do or not do for the relationship and for him? Where is your comfort level?

It sounds like you need a lot of energy for yourself right now to be successful in your own therapy. It also sounds like he spends a lot of time tearing you down in order to deflect from his own issues. As FF has said, regarding the black & white marbles thing, it seems like you're giving a lot of energy and he's taking a lot of energy. Do you see what I'm saying there? Does that resonate?

At this time, he's unable to give a lot back to you because he's unable to support, soothe, and help himself. In that way, you have to create space to regenerate your own energy. Unfortunately it feels very counterintuitive, but the only way to get that space and energy back is to take it - which, yes, takes energy. It's like starting a business and spending money to make money. You have to invest some energy to get the energy back. And, the more boundaries you set, the more energy you will have.

The fewer eggshells we have to walk on, the better off we'll be. Yes, sometimes it's not worth setting them off, but the more we make a conscious decision to do what we need to do, rather than what they want us to do, the better off we'll be in the end. Again, when he splits, I see my H as the petulant 14-year-old who is trying to rule the house and lash out at me. I'm not letting him control my life. Your BF needs to feel he has control over his things - those things are triggering for him somehow. I find that physical messes and disorder can be stressful for some BPDs. Mine makes messes when he's depressed and then freaks out when he can't find something and goes on a stringent cleaning burst like an obsessive Mr. Clean.

At any rate, it's not your problem and you have to take your world back from under his thumb, and keep the constant nattering at bay. I have done this to my H when we were out and about and he started in on complaining about my parents (he LOVES to do this). I've straight up told him I was going to leave him there and go home if he didn't stop talking about it, because I told him I didn't want to hear it. Take the trigger (you) away from the situation. Once he learns he cannot stand over and berate you without you leaving (leaving him no outlet for his abuse), he will eventually stop (or at least keep it to a minimum). Let him send angry texts. Ignore them, or respond politely and say, "I will not respond to you while you are calling me names/insulting me. I'm happy to speak to you when you're calm and ready to have a respectful discussion." My T always tells me to leave or go into another room when my H is becoming disrespectful. Don't argue, don't explain, just peacefully exit. If he asks you where you're going, you can say, "I need a little time. I'll be back later." Don't get angry, don't escalate, just hold your emotions until you get out the door. From there, you can call your therapist, a friend, a family member, and yell, scream, and cry. But don't do it in front of him.

Of course, scenarios are different for everyone, but this works best for me with mine when he is splitting and being especially nasty toward me. Hope this helps a bit.
- WEW

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« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2019, 06:28:18 PM »

misuniadziubek,
Is what you're asking about how not to take those nasty words and insults personally? I know it's really hard when our loved one says such unkind things.

Cat
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« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2019, 08:34:00 PM »

misuniadziubek,
Is what you're asking about how not to take those nasty words and insults personally? I know it's really hard when our loved one says such unkind things.

Cat

I guess what I'm asking is how do I respond when he corners me into asking why I did something, like putting a dirty sock in the wrong hamper? I mean obviously any answer I give won't satisfy him. Apologizing is futile and silly. Not responding sets him off even more and he will start on how I obviously don't care. He wants me to say things like yeah. What I did was stupid and that I was being careless but I know that isn't true.

The situation isn't real. He's projecting stress from other things on this one thing I did as if I was purposefully or carelessly hurting him.

My only option is walking away (somehow) hard to do when were in a car together. And how long do I even stay away, when the moment i come back, he'll go back to accusing me of things and that I don't understand the severity of what I did. Telling him he needs to communicate his needs more specifically and clearly just results in more splitting. Saying he's doing anything wrong leaves him exploding.

WEW. I do the walking away thing sometimes but often it's once things have escalated too much like when he's throwing my stuff. And if I talk about that behavior not being okay, he'll say things like well you being  a failure and being lazy and careless isn't okay.

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« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2019, 06:19:31 AM »

I think this is a challenge when the two of you are in the same space and you live distance from him. Disengaging- walking away- is a good option but the question- when do you come back- remains. Ideally you return when he calms down, but if you are staying with him - where do you go? If you need to stay somewhere - then where would you stay if you didn't want to make the long drive home and back?

This would be a similar dilemma if you both lived together and something to consider. Basically, he needs to learn that- if he is upset- he should not treat you this way. He can still be upset- those are his feelings, but he needs an appropriate way to deal with them.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their feelings and his reaction is similar to a small child having a tantrum. It helps to not take their words personally if you think of it like this. I think every parent of a toddler has been called a poopy head in one of their tantrums. This is the adult version with the adult vocabulary. I look at it as "word vomit". A child with a stomach ache throws up and feels better. Someone who dysregulates and projects is throwing up their bad feelings. They eventually feel better after they do. This isn't the most mature way to handle these feelings, but it is not personal to you.

A main consideration is your safety. My MC encouraged me to be able to stay calm in the storm. ( after first assessing that I was not in danger physically)- that is to not engage or react if my H was angry at me and saying mean things. This doesn't mean I stand there either but it means to not add emotional fuel to the situation by reacting or JADEing. It also helped to keep in mind that him saying these words do not make them true. The "pink elephant" idea helped- if someone called you a pink elephant- would you feel hurt? No, you would probably think that was crazy, as you know you are not one. What he says to you does not mean it is true.

Think about what might work in your situation. He wants you to say you were careless? Well maybe a light hearted reply such as- yes, I wasn't paying attention, yes, I threw out your burger then- I'll bring you one next time I'm here, or I'll put the sock in the right hamper.

Think about what these little things may mean to him. They aren't big things to me but I have found that little things can be triggering. I think pwBPD can add "meaning" to little things. If you threw out his burger, to him it means you don't love him, you don't care. To you, it's just a burger. If you see him over react to something, it is likely he has attached meaning to it.

It's important for you to stay calm in these moments, just like a parent would when a child has a tantrum. The parent teaches the child appropriate ways to manage feelings by not giving in to the child ( who wants a cookie for dinner) and staying calm, allowing the child to learn to manage his disappointment. It can help for you to take this perspective with your BF and not take his behaviors personally.

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« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2019, 08:57:38 AM »

Notwendy offers some excellent strategies for not taking those unkind remarks personally.

I truly understand how difficult it is, having experienced criticism and demeaning remarks in my first marriage, very similar to what you've given as an example. I understand the feeling of being burned out and wishing for a partner who was appreciative and compassionate.

It's good that you're pondering ways that you can insulate yourself from those hurtful remarks. Doing that will protect you from having your self esteem undermined. 
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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2019, 10:38:52 AM »

Adding to notwendy's thought: often, when my H is berating me, he's doing so because I somehow invalidated him or triggered his anxiety (or both), not because he actually finds fault with what I'm doing. The natural human reaction is to defend oneself when being abused, but, if I'm able to, I pause for a second, and think, "Hmm... .what is this really about?" Example: H and I were making breakfast sandwiches with bagels. I put the bagels in the toaster oven and then left the kitchen to check something in the other room. After a minute, H called after me, angrily, " I don't know WHY you would leave the kitchen while you were cooking!" My interpretation: He is calling me careless and negligent. My response: Defensive mode. The reality: He actually felt upset when I left the kitchen because he wanted to cook together and he felt abandoned. Knowing that, if I'd responded differently, it might have been a totally different situation. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of deprogramming to stop being defensive. But, with BPDs, most of the time when we're defending ourselves, we're not addressing what's actually bothering them, which makes them even more upset. It takes a LOT of practice, and nobody is perfect. If you reframe it as a "tantrum," of sorts, or "throwing up," it can make staying calm easier.

Do you know your BF's triggers? If you do, you can start recognizing patterns in their splitting. Like with my H and losing things, for example. It might help in keeping things from escalating past the point of no return in the first place if you can be mindful of some of the triggers and work on de-escalating, instead of defending yourself from the abusive language. 

Regarding already explosive situations: my T tells me to go for a walk or a drive when H is splitting beyond my comfort level. We live together, so in most cases I'm not going to go spend the night elsewhere, but getting away and going to a local coffee shop while he's raging helps me. Do you have that option? Again, the point is not to "punish" them with removing oneself, so leaving with as little fanfare as possible is ideal, and mentioning, "I'll be back" is helpful (since they have abandonment issues).
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« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2019, 12:10:48 PM »

This is so well said. Sometimes something completely innocent can be triggering.

I have my keys on a large key chain. I keep them in my purse and they don't fit in my pocket. My H has a smaller key chain that fits in his pocket.

I don't leave the house without my keys, but if I am going out with my H and don't want to bring a purse, I ask if he has the keys. I figure if we are out together and one of us has the keys, I don't need to bring my large key chain.

My H gets irate when I ask that. To him, it appears I am questioning his common sense when I ask if he has a key. To him I am saying " you are too stupid to remember your key so I have to ask you". He kept responding to me" I always have a key! I don't forget my keys!" then he began to get mean with me for asking. I was so confused. Now, I realize that what I am thinking about when I ask is completely different than how he hears it.

Conclusion- I'm going to just bring my own keys when I'm out with him. Yet this is just one of countless misinterpretations that happen and I need to be mindful that he hears things differently than I mean them sometimes.
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« Reply #16 on: January 03, 2019, 12:20:32 PM »


And I would assume your H isn't open to understanding your actual meaning/reasons for asking... .right?

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« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2019, 12:29:28 PM »

i suspect if you are distancing/feeling distant, he notices it on some level, and some of this is a dysfunctional way of fighting for attention/the relationship.

can you tell us what stage your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down
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« Reply #18 on: January 03, 2019, 12:43:48 PM »

FF- I've tried for years to hopefully get my H to understand what I say to him. He's aware of that. Sometimes he is receptive to trying to understand and sometimes he isn't. If I speak to him when we are both calm and he is receptive, he can understand, but I tend to reserve this for big issues. It takes a lot of energy on my part and if he's uncomfortable, he tends to tune me out. Also the tone of my voice is important- if I am the least bit emotional or upset, it is triggering. I'm the one he is most vulnerable emotionally with and he is easily triggered by me. Sadly, I get to be his father's critical voice to him and I think only counseling will change that and he won't go. One benefit from MC is that he was able to hear the MC better than he can me. That's one reason I pushed for that as I didn't think I could communicate effectively with him.

For this it's easier to just grab my keys.
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« Reply #19 on: January 04, 2019, 11:17:46 AM »

misuniadziubek,  in a couple of posts earlier on your thread, once removed has wisely suggested that you tell us what stage your relationship is at and then we can advise you better.
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« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2019, 05:24:21 AM »

So we generally swing between stages 1 and 2, spending the most time in stage 1.

But I'm starting to wonder if im not hitting 3.

Because I like a choice to come back home to take my parents to the airport. yes they could take an Uber. Yes, they can ask some other family member. I guess they could schedule a flight for another time in the future. All right now I do actually want to be right there driving them to the airport. I value my family and I love them and eventually they'll be on another continent and doing them a favor feels good for me. Helping them is something I value.

But now for two days, my BPDbf has been angry, numb, hurt, lonely that I would leave in the middle of our weekend together and lose the precious time of the two days we are together. Saying we have no future. He's wasting his youth. We only have those two days and I freely give them away to my family.


And I'm so burnt out and heartbroken because to him it's them mismanaging plans and taking away from us. To me it feels important. I cherish the time I have with them. And now he's saying I'm missing the point, he's calling me names and saying I'm being dumb on person and he's feeling alone and he doesn't want to be with someone who takes it so lightly.
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« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2019, 06:04:24 AM »

This sounds like a clash between expectations or values. Your BF expects the weekends to be time with him. You value your family and wanted to take them to the airport. Maybe it helps to look at this in context of the whole picture and also black and white thinking.

In the course of a long term relationship, events happen that can interrupt time together. As long as they are not so frequent that the couple doesn't have time to connect, the couple should be able to maintain their sense of togetherness- the big picture. If you spend 20 weekends together and miss one, that should not impact the whole relationship. Unless there is black and white thinking.

One example for me was is sex in a marriage. Married people expect to have sex. Yet, sometimes one of them is not available- they may not feel well, or some other reason. If they have otherwise been OK with intimacy- this is just a normal aspect of being in a long term relationship. When this happened early on in my marriage, despite us having a good intimate life, my H defaulted to black and white thinking. " We never have sex" ( which wasn't true) and decided I had rejected him. For me, I was looking at the big picture- things are generally good and so we are OK.

You've been dating this man for a while and been together on weekends on a regular basis. Looking at the big picture you decided this one weekend would not be such a big deal. To your BF, with black and white thinking, it felt like a huge rejection. Now he's reacting as if it was. The arguments he makes are basically his feelings in words- he feels disappointment, betrayed, rejected, abandoned. You didn't do any of this to him. It would be normal for a boyfriend to be disappointed by the change of plans, but your BF was emotionally triggered by it.

Once the feelings are "out" I think he will settle down. You, on the other hand, may be thinking " do I want to deal with this pattern for the long run?". That's your choice and in the dating stages, this kind of choice is different than for married people and/or people with children. It's emotionally difficult, but dating isn't a permanent commitment. I would say to listen to your own feelings and wishes, when you can feel emotionally settled. It's hard to think clearly in the middle of turmoil.
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« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2019, 07:57:43 AM »

  You, on the other hand, may be thinking " do I want to deal with this pattern for the long run?". That's your choice and in the dating stages, this kind of choice is different than for married people and/or people with children. It's emotionally difficult, but dating isn't a permanent commitment. 

This seems to be a good summation of some thoughts to settle. 

Does your BF take actions to reduce his negative impact on you?  If I remember right he has expressed remorse after he calms down.  Is that connected to action?

FF
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« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2019, 08:21:28 AM »

Notwendy,
 
I think that's a really good way of representing it. These are the things he feels and he gets angry that I don't understand or feel the same way. He is convinced that the relationship and having time together doesn't mean as much to me as it does to him and that leads him to feeling very hurt and alone.

He wants me to take actions to prevent this situation in the future and says that if I cared, I'd fight harder to make sure my family doesn't infringe on our time together.

I have missed family events because they landed on a weekend more.often than not. Going to two weddings in a row resulted in awful fights.

I don't want to miss out on things anymore. But the idea is he's gonna feel hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned every time.

He says he feels like if he wants to enjoy time and his youth he's going to have to do it with others who he's not going to be in love with as deeply. He is deathly afraid of aging and losing his youth.

And I'm not. I want a life well lived. I want to be happy and healthy into my late 80s, early 90s. And it also feels like being alive that long is out of the question for him. He thinks hitting 40 is the end of anything valuable in life. He's 27 right now. He hangs out with many 19-24 yos and his best friend is 30.

He's been going on about this since Monday when I told him. And it's exhausting. I doubt he's going to feel remorse about this one.

But yeah. I have to think really hard if these things are worth it.

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« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2019, 08:32:02 AM »


How old are you? 

I often perk up when I hear something for the first time.  At 27 to be thinking 40 is the end of the world... .seems really odd.

What is the backstory there?

I'm 49... .and I"m in the "life well lived" club.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just getting started.

FF
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« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2019, 08:58:19 AM »

How old are you? 

I often perk up when I hear something for the first time.  At 27 to be thinking 40 is the end of the world... .seems really odd.

What is the backstory there?

I'm 49... .and I"m in the "life well lived" club.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just getting started.

FF


I'm 31. I feel like I'm just getting started. I have so many things to be grateful for and I value time spent with my family even when it's dumb errands like driving them to the airport.
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« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2019, 09:02:14 AM »


 I value time spent with my family even when it's dumb errands like driving them to the airport.

So much of life is in the unscripted moments.  By definition you don't know when they will happen.

Yes... .I'm all for "scripted moments"... .big vacations, special dates and all that, yet when I reflect on powerful moments... .even just fun moments... .most were not planned.

FF

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« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2019, 09:21:02 AM »

I'm 31. I feel like I'm just getting started. I have so many things to be grateful for and I value time spent with my family even when it's dumb errands like driving them to the airport.



This is not a dumb errand, it is you choosing to do something nice for your parents and that is a high value action. You aren't just giving them a ride. They can take a cab for a ride. You are spending time with them. FF is correct, sometimes quality time isn't scripted. I don't even like the concept of quality time. All time together with your loved ones is quality time. As a mom who has spent hours of driving my kids to places, this was not just a ride. It was in the car that they talked to me about their school day or other things on their minds. It's part of our bond and I'm glad we did this before they got their drivers licences.

Choosing to do things on our own can feel threatening to a partner. This leads to us giving up things that are important to us to prevent them being upset. Then, we become resentful. I did this, and then realized that it wasn't the right thing to do- I missed out on seeing friends, attending things I wanted to do. This doesn't mean doing everything I want to do- I have a family to consider, but when I give up something I value- in order to keep the peace, it isn't constructive.

At 31, you are just beginning. You can ask yourself if you want to deal with this for the long run? There are also books on marriage you can read, books with important questions to ask of yourself. Of course attraction is important, but so are mutual values, goals, what qualities you want in a life long partner. ( being realistic of course- nobody is perfect).  You may want to think about these things.
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« Reply #28 on: January 17, 2019, 09:19:19 AM »

You're right. It's a lot to reflect upon.

We have a lot of common values, but family isn't as much because he's the child of divorce and has had very strained relationships with them.

We complement each other in a lot of ways. Honestly, I'm at a point if I didn't feel satisfied I'd walk away.

It's just there's a lot to work on and getting  to a point where it's a truly healthy dynamic with healthy boundaries is going to be very painful for him and I'll be the punching bag for his feelings if I let it.

It's Thursday. I told him about the family thing Monday. I got angry yesterday and swore, which helped me because it killed my built up resentment. But now he's distant, despondent and completely unraveled. Any conversation I have with him is somber and barely there. He says he is feeling a lot of hurt and like he can't function because he's coming to terms with the fact that our relationship isn't what he thought it was. ( me wanting to spend every single free moment with him and treating it like a precious gem) vs me making choices to do things during the time allotted as "our time".


We had one positive conversation last night but today he is back to numb and distant.

So yeah. This is going to be a painful and long process and I'm probably going to want to give in because I don't like seeing him in so much pain.
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« Reply #29 on: January 17, 2019, 12:37:18 PM »

This is going to be a painful and long process and I'm probably going to want to give in because I don't like seeing him in so much pain.

Sounds like intermittent reinforcement. He gets glum and remote and you can’t stand it, so you give him what he wants (not spending time with your family?).

What does this teach him?

And if you can’t stand watching him feel hurt because he didn’t get his way, and maybe this time you wait a day to give up, and maybe next time you wait two days before you give in, and then maybe next month you wait a week—what do you suppose he will make of that?

To me, it looks like it will encourage him to hold strong, knowing that you’ll ultimately fold.

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