A new year...will it bring new things?

[1hope]

Hi everyone,
I haven’t checked in for a while... .I guess because we’ve been chugging along!  My almost 20yo daughter was diagnosed with “BPD traits” approx 2 years ago.  She now feels that she doesn’t have it anymore (even though she was the one that suggested that she thought she had it).  We still see the traits... .

She also struggles with anxiety and depression.  This has been very evident for the past couple of months. It affects her life in many ways (work, socially, ability to cope with stress).  Her psychiatrist prescribed new meds for her (she refuses to take the old ones, as she feels they caused her suicidal thoughts). Unfortunately she won’t even try the new ones.  She also doesn’t have any follow up appts with the psychiatrist... .and it’s very hard to get in with psychiatrists in our area... .a year wait list at least.

Our daughter is going to a therapist that she chose, although we don’t know what kind of therapy she’s doing.  We’re assuming it’s not DBT, as she says she doesn’t have BPD anymore. 

She told us she wants to apply for college in the fall.  We support this.  We asked her to take one course his coming term so that she can ensure she is ready for this added responsibility.  We told her we would pay for college, but would need to see that she is prepared to do the work on this course first.  (Boundary).  So far, she has not even applied to a course.  The term starts Monday.  We reminded her a few times that we were available to get her signed up while we’re off on holidays. So now we wait.  From past experience, we figure that she  is avoiding this... .if you don’t sign up, you can’t fail.  We anticipate that she will be angry at us, or blame us in some way. 

I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful, but sometimes it’s so hard! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi 1hope,

I'm glad you've come back for support. Staying positive and hopeful IS hard, I agree! We can hold you up when you are not strong, we've got you 

It's great your DD is seeing a therapist, even if she believes she's no longer suffering from BPD traits, and that she has aspirations for going to college. I'm sure it's frustrating to stand back and let her do things at her own pace, or do nothing at all.

You know your DD best and if you think she'll be angry and blame you for her failure to sign up for a class, you're probably right. Are you familiar with the communication tools we teach here and, if so, have you had some success with them?

Stay with us here, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings, and keep posting in other's threads like you've been doing. You don't have to do this alone. The family's got your back 

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi 1hope   

Good to hear from you 1hope, I've been thinking of you   and along with Only Human welcome you back. Yikes a new year... .will bring new things.

It is hard, though there are positives with your DD taking control of her mental health care choices be it 'learning on the job' as she goes. This was the eventual game changer for my DD. I remember when you joined your DD was suicidal, if she's putting that down to the meds side effects that's a difficult choice for her. I feel your frustration.

I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful, but sometimes it’s so hard!

It is so hard to watch, 1hope our second name is patience, even when on the right track as your DD appears is sloow, wondering what's ahead. I learnt my DD had to work it out her way at her speed, at times excruciating, I wanted to pull my hair out, it's a real test!

Re college, have you considered it may not be this year, perhaps she's not ready. It takes my DD a very long run in to make things happen, if she rushes she crashes out. Just a thought.

How's your son? Are you getting time for you in all of this?

WDx

[1hope]

Thanks so much for your replies!  DD reached out to us last night.  She has been looking at courses, but can’t decide what she wants to take.  She doesn’t want to take one that has too many essays.  She says that if assignments stress her out too much, she quits, and this will “make it seem like she is not ready for college, when really she is”.

I tried to use my skills from here when responding. I encouraged her to have faith in herself and her abilities.  I acknowledged that there would be difficulties, but that she could work through them with the support of her counsellors and her family.  I reminded her that overcoming challenges will help her feel more positive and successful.  (I think I did a pretty good job of using SET?)

After that text, she stopped replying.  That always sparks that mini panic... .how will she react to this?  Will she do something drastic?  Will I get a phone call from someone saying she’s at the hospital?  It seems that’s always in the back of your mind, although I have managed to push it back further in my mind over the past year.  So now we wait to see what today will bring. 

[once removed]

have you heard from her since? any update on selecting courses?

[Only Human]

After that text, she stopped replying.  That always sparks that mini panic... .how will she react to this?  Will she do something drastic?  Will I get a phone call from someone saying she’s at the hospital?  It seems that’s always in the back of your mind, although I have managed to push it back further in my mind over the past year.    

1hope, I can totally relate to obsessing over my DD's non-response to a text, going to a dark place, thinking I have said something to cause a negative reaction. It's good you've been able to calm these thoughts.

Years ago, my Al-Anon sponsor shared this saying, which I absolutely love:

My mind is a dark place where I go to develop my negatives.

Keep up the good work, and please keep us posted!

~ OH

[1hope]

Update: our DD has signed up for a course!  We gave her space, and she decided to take a more academic course.  We’re not sure if she came to that decision on her own, or with the help of her counsellor, as she had an appointment this week.  Either way, we’re glad she’s taking a step forward! 

[wendydarling]

Hi 1hope

Yay   your DD is determined, this is a great attribute and she knows you are there for her as she steps forwards. It maybe too academic, it's the learning about self that I've found important and a revelation for my DD and me. Does that make sense to you?

WDx

[1hope]

Wendy,
We were hoping she’d pick an academic course.  She will only have one course to attend and focus on.  We’re hoping that will help her be more successful, and will help with her confidence. 

At one point in her life she was so far ahead of her age group academically.  She was an avid reader, and had a curious mind.  Now she has difficulty maintaining enough focus to read even books for pleasure.  I never would have imagined this for her.  Some days I find it so sad... .but I try not to focus on “what could have been”.  One day at a time... .

[Only Human]

Hello again, 1hope 

How are things going? Has your DD started her course? I hope things are "chugging along"   

~ OH

[1hope]

Hi again,
I haven’t been on here for a while!  DD is currently taking her course.  She’s not being transparent about how she’s doing (we told her we’d want to know how she was doing before she goes away in the fall).  She has applied for, and been accepted into a one year program at an out of town college for the fall.  We’re hoping that she will experience some success in this course to help improve her confidence. 
She is learning to advocate for herself.  She went to student services and applied for permission to write her tests in an alternative location.  We were glad she followed through on this!
At some point we will need to ask to see her results, as this was a requirement if she would like our financial assistance with school next year.  Not sure how this will be received...stay tuned!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Welcome back 1hope!

Thanks for sharing the update - it seems things are moving right along

She is learning to advocate for herself.  She went to student services and applied for permission to write her tests in an alternative location.  We were glad she followed through on this!

This is fantastic news! That she is aware of what will help her to succeed is a great sign!

At some point we will need to ask to see her results, as this was a requirement if she would like our financial assistance with school next year.  Not sure how this will be received...stay tuned!

We will definitely stay tuned, 1hope!  It doesn't sound like you're pressuring her to give you the play-by-play, but that she's more than aware that at some point she'll have to let you know how she's doing - that is, if she wants your financial support. It's a good approach to stand back until the course is complete, though I'm sure you're so very eager to know!

Did she pay for this current course on her own?

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Just popping in to complement you on the great job you are doing compassionately setting clear boundaries with your daughter. I can learn from you

[1hope]

Faith...it’s funny you said that.  I’m currently in a headspace where I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing all over again.  I think that’s why I’ve come back here.  It helps so much talking to people who have gone through the same things.  The average person has no idea what it’s like.  Even most of our family has no comprehension of this!  Living with someone with BPD is so cyclical, and some days/months are harder than others.  I guess together we are stronger!

[FaithHopeLove]

We certainly are stronger together. I am glad you are back.