Exhausted from walking on eggshells

[Athome]

I need help, my daughter is turning 25 and I am simply exhausted from walking on eggshells at all times.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you found us and reached out for help. 

What is going on?  Can you share some details of your situation?  Does your daughter live with you?  What sort of behaviors do you find most troublesome?

Hope to hear more from you soon.

[Athome]

Sorry, I am new as you know, and I didn’t get very detailed. I’ll start with a little background.
My BPDd was diagnosed with BPD when she was 18, she was very sick with an eating disorder, she went to therapy (dbt) twice a week for 2 years. It helped for quite some time. She is not experiencing eating disorders anymore.
Since she was 15 we as a family have walked on eggshells. I felt so much guilt for the memories she tells me of why she is this way. I’ve apologized for things I can’t even remember. In my guilt I think I have become a “let’s please her to avoid any stress” mom. My husband has it the worst, he barely talks when she is around. She does not live with us, she is married now. Although I don’t believe she really understands marriage. For the past year, she had a job which she felt abused at. I am sure things were not good, but it is always the same. She blanes ya for leaving her there? She is 25 this month.
I’ve been watching her anger, it’s constant. The little things just get huge in her mind. Christmas with the family is all about watching what you say, to avoid any upset.
The latest rage is at me. She called with an idea of going back to school (not the first time). She can make those decisions, but this time she would move away for 4 years. Her and her husband would have to rent 2 places, she said she will commute.  It’s 6 hrs a day commute. I offered my opinion. She often sets unattainable goals, then falls apart. I couldn’t say nothing, however I wish I had. She shut down, then called me the next day ranting about me being high and mighty, minding my own f’ing business. Who do I think I am to question her. I don’t care if I can’t afford it... .etc. after listening to her berate me for 15 minutes, I got angry. She hung up immediately. Now I have no idea how long she will not talk to me. I am not usually at the end of her rage, but I usually just agree with everything. I know I’ve probably been backing myself into a corner for years. I’m exhausted from it, all of it. I guess I’ve been pretending for so long,  and just letting the verbal abuse go on. I don’t even know how to draw a line, or where to draw that line.

[Harri]

Hi.  That is a lot to deal with for sure.  I am sorry things are do difficult.  I can hear the exhaustion in your words.

You are not alone in having chosen the path of avoiding, apologizing for things you don't remember doing or maybe never did and appeasing your daughter in an effort to keep things calm.  It is a natural instinct sometimes. 

Can you think of one thing you want to change that we can help you with?  Perhaps handling raging phone calls and what you can say and do to protect yourself and your own peace of mind?  Changing how we respond to these behaviors can be done but it takes some practice and some time.

Thoughts?

[Athome]

It’s so good to know you’re not alone. I just downloaded more books to read in how to take my life back. To protect myself is exactly what I need to learn. I don’t want to lose my relationship with her, I just need to learn how to handle it, so I am not letting the abuse take me apart. Then I’m no help to anyone.

[Harri]

   Good for you.  Several of our currently posting parents are either in the process of learning how to improve things or are already there and just honing their skill over time by posting here so you are in the right place.

The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship is an article that you may find helpful especially when it comes to setting expectations for yourself.  It is easy to expect that we can deal with anything or nothing at all.  Finding that middle ground is important. 
We have lots of other reading material here.  They are tacked to the top of the board.  Click on How to get the most out of this site and you will be taken to a post with links to some of our best articles for parents of pwBPD.

We talk about self care a lot here and sometimes it seems silly to focus on that when someone we love is hurting so badly, but it is necessary as you know.  You are right that you're no help to anyone if you are taken apart.

One thing I will encourage you to do is to post here regularly, not just when in crisis or falling apart.  The very best benefit from being part of this community is the collective wisdom and all the different perspectives from everyone coming together to help.  It is also very helpful to step outside of our own situations and help others by jumping into their posts and responding.  I have learned almost as much by helping others than I did by doing my own posts. 

 

[Mirsa]

Isn't it nice and peaceful when you get a break from her though?  It really isn't normal for a 25 yo to rage at a parent.   Yuck.  That probably didn't feel good.  I am working on figuring out what my limits and boundaries will be with my DD18 who recently moved out.  I'm not sure what our relationship will look like in the next few years, but I think it will be a process of figuring out what behaviors I will and won't allow for myself.   One step at a time, we'll figure it out!  I'm sure she will rage at me for saying something as basic as "please don't swear at me."  But honestly, no one else in my life swears and rages at me, why on earth should I accept it from her?  Thank god in heaven she doesn't live here anymore. 

Namaste.