Help with validating my daughter

[Only Human]

I can relate to the want to move forward yet being anxious about the chaos it could bring.

I decided to just thank her for the note and say that I hope she was doing well also.
[... .]I ended it with, love you, Dad

Not sure what else to do from here. I guess just take it slow.

Your message was loving and non-reactive to her words, "even though you have never apologized," no JADE'ing, invalidating, etc. Can't go wrong with taking it slow. If/when she is in contact again, you'll have that much more time behind you to learn and grow 

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I like your idea of having you and her mother sit down with your daughter and a therapist if your daughter decides she wants to reconnect with you. With a person with BPD, there are often too many unfounded accusations and bad behaviors that take place with family members when there is no qualified professional to monitor the interactions. I continue to admire your courage and caring with regards to your daughter after how she has treated you and her mother.

[jones54]

Thanks OH. As always I appreciate your input and support. I agree that with giving it time hopefully there will be a benefit when we finally reconnect.
Zachira, I have not discussed this with her mother (wanting to sit with a therapist first if she wants to reconnect) but plan to soon. A bit fearful if we did sit down alone her anger would start back up and we would go back to square one. Sometimes I think we all have to reassess our feelings (being too anxious to reconnect) and think about what is best in the long run. Thanks as always for your support.
When she decides to try to reconnect I will post.

[Only Human]

When she decides to try to reconnect I will post.

Please consider posting even before she tries to reconnect. Having a support group alongside you is still a benefit in times of "calm."

We are here, 24/7, and would love to hear how you're doing, jones   

~ OH

[jones54]

Hi OH,
Thanks for the note. Neither I or her mother have heard from her (her mother said she did email her to see if they could be friends again on Facebook... .I am not on Facebook). At this point I have been feeling better. Maybe it is being away from the chaos or just that she ended the last communication on a positive note (which has been so rare for such a long time). Don't get me wrong, when I open up my e-mail every day I still have this sunken feeling that she will have e-mailed me again with something negative. I guess that is just a trigger (opening the e-mail). Her mother and I remain on the same page. It is our feeling that she is safely housed with a friend and we are pretty sure she is sober (the person we suspect she is living with is in recovery and would not tolerate her using). Sad thing is we really do not know much more... .whether she is working or what she plans for herself for the near future. She will be 34 yo this Spring so we both feel that even if we do not know what is going on, it is high time she figures her life out without us being involved.  We are just hoping she is making good choices. I guess maybe at some point she will reach out to us. Maybe we are estranged in a sense but we both look at it like we are both taking a break from each other. Just trying to remain hopeful she will reconnect with us sometime and at that point will have her life in better order.

[Only Human]

Thanks for checking in, jones 

I'm hearing a lot of acceptance in your post - you're feeling better away from the chaos, that makes sense to me!

As they say, "no news is good news" and it seems to be true for our children, at least it is for mine 

I get what you mean about checking your email and being anxious that there will be a negative coming from your DD. Another member here had a plan in place for dealing with potential negative contact, though her plan was about texts, not emails, and involved a dedicated telephone number. She would check once a week, in her therapy appointment.

even if we do not know what is going on, it is high time she figures her life out without us being involved

Awesome 

~ OH