H triggers on an automatic gate opener

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's funny how asking for some fairly insignificant things can trigger one's partner. Mine is an automatic gate opener.

We live in a rural area and our driveway is 800 feet. Where the driveway meets the gravel road, it's dusty in the summer and muddy in the winter. When we leave, we lock the gate.

Prior to my husband having problems with his hip a few years ago and a hip replacement last spring, we took turns opening and locking the gate, but in the last few years, I've been the sole gate operator.

In the summer, when we're going out for dinner, I have a pair of funky flip flops that I change into, but in the winter, I just endure the mud on my boots or shoes.

When I mentioned how nice it would be to have an automatic gate opener, it initiated a minor skirmish. I had even priced it out and told him that it would cost under $1000. He went ballistic, saying that it would probably be more like $10K, and even though I sent him a list of all the parts, he still stubbornly stuck to his position.

Recently I've been pointing out how many of our neighbors have one and one of my best friends recently purchased all the parts and her's totaled $800.

The irony is, in the months since I first mentioned the gate opener, he's purchased two five-figure wristwatches! 

So I've backed off on talking about it recently and the only references I've indirectly made to it, have been exaggerated sighs as I've scraped mud off my boots before entering the car.

I think he's softening on his position and now that he's largely recovered from his surgery, he won't have an excuse for not closing the gate himself.

Ultimately, I think his opposition stems from the fact that he had an automatic gate opener at his previous house, that he shared with his former wife, who I suspect to be BPD on steroids, much like my ex-husband. He has a lot of triggers from that marriage--seemingly odd things that remind him of that era. For instance, he was adamantly opposed to me hanging a tennis ball from a string in the garage, as a guide for backing in our big truck.   

To me, things like that seem ridiculous, but for him, he's got a big emotional reaction. Go figure?

[Cat Familiar]

It's funny how asking for some fairly insignificant things can trigger one's partner. Mine is an automatic gate opener.

We live in a rural area and our driveway is 800 feet. Where the driveway meets the gravel road, it's dusty in the summer and muddy in the winter. When we leave, we lock the gate.

Prior to my husband having problems with his hip a few years ago and a hip replacement last spring, we took turns opening and locking the gate, but in the last few years, I've been the sole gate operator.

In the summer, when we're going out for dinner, I have a pair of funky flip flops that I change into, but in the winter, I just endure the mud on my boots or shoes.

When I mentioned how nice it would be to have an automatic gate opener, it initiated a minor skirmish. I had even priced it out and told him that it would cost under $1000. He went ballistic, saying that it would probably be more like $10K, and even though I sent him a list of all the parts, he still stubbornly stuck to his position.

Recently I've been pointing out how many of our neighbors have one and one of my best friends recently purchased all the parts and her's totaled $800.

The irony is, in the months since I first mentioned the gate opener, he's purchased two five-figure wristwatches! 

So I've backed off on talking about it recently and the only references I've indirectly made to it, have been exaggerated sighs as I've scraped mud off my boots before entering the car.

I think he's softening on his position and now that he's largely recovered from his surgery, he won't have an excuse for not closing the gate himself.

Ultimately, I think his opposition stems from the fact that he had an automatic gate opener at his previous house, that he shared with his former wife, who I suspect to be BPD on steroids, much like my ex-husband. He has a lot of triggers from that marriage--seemingly odd things that remind him of that era. For instance, he was adamantly opposed to me hanging a tennis ball from a string in the garage, as a guide for backing in our big truck.   

To me, things like that seem ridiculous, but for him, he's got a big emotional reaction. Go figure?

[formflier]

While I realize you would rather have the gate opener, perhaps give him choices.

Gate opener or pave the area around the gate. 

It's interesting to peek into each others lives and see the "little" struggles/issues that we each have.

So... .your husband must be a smart guy... attorney and all that.  So... .if not a tennis ball... then how would you guide a truck in... .there needs to be some reference.   I can't imagine he would be ok with random preventable... .and expensive booboos.

Happy New Year!  

I bet you have a gate opener next year.  I'm gonna remember and ask!


FF

[Skip]

Ultimately, I think his opposition stems from the fact that he had an automatic gate opener at his previous house, that he shared with his former wife, who I suspect to be BPD on steroids, much like my ex-husband. He has a lot of triggers from that marriage--seemingly odd things that remind him of that era. For instance, he was adamantly opposed to me hanging a tennis ball from a string in the garage, as a guide for backing in our big truck. 

Have you ever asked, in a time of calm, about his concerns regarding the gate opener? I only ask as I have a friend in works in this field and these things and has told me of many the problems they have with even the most expensive systems.  My point being only that it may be more than just emotional reaction. Years ago these things were pretty problematic - and still are, but to a lesser extent.

[Cat Familiar]

I did some more research on gate openers and to be honest, some of those high tech ones could run $10K. But we don’t need that. We could easily get by with one from Tractor Supply for under $1K... .or I could just continue to open and close the gate myself.

I like your idea of paving, FF, but I think that would make him even more upset than contemplating the gate opener, but perhaps that’s why it would be a good comparison.

So many of these little issues mask bigger meanings. For me, I’m now thinking that it’s one more thing on my list of household responsibilities. My husband has always led a rather indoor life, having worked as a lawyer.

I’ve always been very outdoorsy with gardening, taking care of livestock and getting my hands dirty. Any home responsibility in this area, he will defer to me, and sometimes I wish I had a partner who would share some of that work.

On the other hand, he pays the bills, which I hate doing. I ran a business for many years, wore too many hats, and now I despise paperwork after doing so much of that.

It’s all a balancing act. Thanks to him, I now have gardeners come once a week for three hours, so they can do a lot of the heavier grunt work that I’d rather not do. But still, I would like a bit more participation from my husband with some of the maintenance around here.

Now that we are getting along better, I’m going to ask for help in baby steps. I know he’s intimidated because there’s so much he doesn’t know and he doesn’t like me giving him directions. But there are things he can do and doing that would increase his self confidence. I’ve just got to approach making requests for help with that in mind.

[Cat Familiar]

You make a good point, Skip. And the more I learn, the more questions I have.

Living in a fire prone rural area with frequent power outages definitely presents some issues and then there’s the issue about locking the gate and how delivery drivers get in, and emergency services!, and if there is a code to lock it at night or does it open just by pressing the button and then having an intercom to the house... .and it seems like it would just be easier if I opened the damn gate.

[formflier]

I would suggest giving him a range of alternatives other than status quo and ask him for his preference.

If he wants status quo... .keep your butt in the seat.



I was in a rural county for a while, all the emergency services guys knew how to get past the gates.  I had a deputy show me where the release was once. 

I assume they were not very high end systems.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

As Skip recommended, I did have a discussion with my husband about the gate opener he had at his previous residence. Turns out that it was one of those fancy systems with an intercom and they occasionally had a bit of trouble with it.

He seems like he's softening in his position (now that his hip is feeling OK and he doesn't have that excuse for not opening and closing the gate). We went out last night and I wore rain boots, so I was fine with opening and closing the gate in the rain.

I realize that this was a trigger for me because lots of times in the past when I take over a task, it's mine in perpetuity. He comes from a family where his dad did no physical work around the house and they frequently had servants while living in different parts of the world.

My parents both worked hard at home and no task was off limits for them. That's how I am too, but it bites me in the butt when I end up doing everything.

That's good to know, formflier, that emergency service personnel can easily get through the gate. I'm not looking for a high end system and fancy gate because I don't want to advertise that our house, which isn't visible from the road, could be a good burglary target. I would, however, like to lock the gate at night or when we're not at home, so I guess I need to learn more about these systems.