Baby step, hopefully in the right direction

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello everybody.

My daughter is still choosing to be N/C with me which I am respecting and am using the time to reflect and slowly heal. I did 3 important things this weekend.

1) I caught up with my best friend after not seeing her for over a month and who has known me for 22 years. She was amazingly supportive and gave me fresh perspectives on my situation and emotional responses to my daughter (we talked for nearly 5 hours!). Most importantly I got to spend time with someone who knows my flaws and loves/respects me. I think I now recognize how vital it is to allow yourself to spend time with people who don't see you through such a distorted lens. For too long now I have cancelled so many of my own plans because it felt horribly disloyal and selfish to be happy when my daughter wasn't. I was also petrified that something terrible would happen and I wouldn't be there. Plus I have felt exhausted and miserable so not the greatest of company.

2) I got outside for a decent amount of time walking my puppy with my eldest daughter, her friend and their dogs. Nothing deep - just light hearted chats with other dog owners and the joy of watching dogs play.

3) When my son asked me late last night whether I knew if Nanna (my mum who my daughter is staying with)had let his sister go to a particular event/if she actually knew where she was, I gently said that it was down to Nanna and my daughter to make arrangements and for Nanna and her partner to monitor -and  gently shut it down. Historically, my son (her twin) has tracked his sister on social media (sometimes at my request when she has been reported missing to the police) and become highly alarmed at what she is doing and who she is with. This has only served to fuel the drama and conflict. I was expecting him to challenge my response but he seem so relieved and I felt good that I had stopped what has become an unhealthy pattern and is quite possibly triangulation.

These are not huge things but I feel good right now and sometimes good times are like having savings in the bank. They make you feel like you have a safety net and nice memories to draw against.

I know we are at the beginning of a very long journey and it will be tough- but I feel more positive than I did a week ago. 

[Hopeful456]

Hello everybody.

My daughter is still choosing to be N/C with me which I am respecting and am using the time to reflect and slowly heal. I did 3 important things this weekend.

1) I caught up with my best friend after not seeing her for over a month and who has known me for 22 years. She was amazingly supportive and gave me fresh perspectives on my situation and emotional responses to my daughter (we talked for nearly 5 hours!). Most importantly I got to spend time with someone who knows my flaws and loves/respects me. I think I now recognize how vital it is to allow yourself to spend time with people who don't see you through such a distorted lens. For too long now I have cancelled so many of my own plans because it felt horribly disloyal and selfish to be happy when my daughter wasn't. I was also petrified that something terrible would happen and I wouldn't be there. Plus I have felt exhausted and miserable so not the greatest of company.

2) I got outside for a decent amount of time walking my puppy with my eldest daughter, her friend and their dogs. Nothing deep - just light hearted chats with other dog owners and the joy of watching dogs play.

3) When my son asked me late last night whether I knew if Nanna (my mum who my daughter is staying with)had let his sister go to a particular event/if she actually knew where she was, I gently said that it was down to Nanna and my daughter to make arrangements and for Nanna and her partner to monitor -and  gently shut it down. Historically, my son (her twin) has tracked his sister on social media (sometimes at my request when she has been reported missing to the police) and become highly alarmed at what she is doing and who she is with. This has only served to fuel the drama and conflict. I was expecting him to challenge my response but he seem so relieved and I felt good that I had stopped what has become an unhealthy pattern and is quite possibly triangulation.

These are not huge things but I feel good right now and sometimes good times are like having savings in the bank. They make you feel like you have a safety net and nice memories to draw against.

I know we are at the beginning of a very long journey and it will be tough- but I feel more positive than I did a week ago. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DharmaGate]

Hopeful, these are huge things! Loved reading your post, so nice and so right on sending peace to you and your family

[Hopeful456]

DharmaGate - thank you. That's very kind. Peace and light back to you. Everything could change tomorrow, so I am allowing myself to enjoy what has been a healing weekend. It's been a long long time since we've had a whole weekend that hasn't had some kind of drama/trauma xx

[Harri]

I agree with Dharmagate that these are huge things!  Giving yourself permission to enjoy yourself to relax and spend time with people who accept you is wonderful. 

How you handled your son is excellent and it sounds like a burden may have been lifted for him as well.  You set a great example for him to build upon.

Definitely save these positives experiences!  You will have more.   

[Hopeful456]

Thank you Harri. It was lovely seeing how relieved my son was. He deserves some respite from the responsibility he feels and I need to protect him more than I have.

He is so kind, responsible and mature that I have overlooked his needs in all this. He may want to assume the mantle of responsibility for his sister and assures me "it's a twin thing" but he needs, and sorely deserves, a break from it. 

I've decided to go into his college and meet with his tutor (who has been very caring and supportive whilst not knowing many details) to see about getting him some support too. There have been times he has been up all night, calling and texting their mutual friends when she's gone missing and then gone to college the next day exhausted, demotivated and moody. I'm going to see if they can give him a degree of flexibility around attendance, so that if things get bad again there is the option for him to quietly study at home. 

Anyway, thank you both for responding. It makes me feel so warm and a lot less alone. xx

[Only Human]

I agree with the others, these are huge things and deserve celebration - bravo!   Spending time with a cherished friend, getting outside for walks and lighthearted chats, you are leading the way for your family. Showing that you are taking care of your needs.

good times are like having savings in the bank. They make you feel like you have a safety net and nice memories to draw against.

I love this, Hopeful456, thanks for sharing it. Having nice memories to think about keeps us committed, keeps hope alive.

I know we are at the beginning of a very long journey and it will be tough- but I feel more positive than I did a week ago. 

You're right, it's a tough journey; thanks for sharing yours with other parents who are traveling alongside you.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Those are pretty big "baby" steps! Thank you for sharing your progress.