Cautionary - when your children won't visit their parent with a PD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've read several stories here of parents whose child has been kept from them by the personality-disordered parent. When it finally gets to court, the offending parent gets yelled at, and that's about it.

I have an opposite cautionary tale for you.

My friend's ex has diagnosed NPD.  He constantly denigrates my friend in front of the children, ridicules the children, and occasionally hits them.  The oldest child (12) started refusing to go to visits about 8 months ago.  My friend forces the child into the car to meet at the exchange location for every single scheduled exchange.  The younger kids go freely with the dad.  The older one will not get out of the car.  This child is taller and bigger than my friend.  My friend always tells the girl she's supposed to go, that there is a court order saying she has to go, and that it is good for her to have a relationship with her dad.  My friend never says anything negative about her ex.  She never leaves the exchange first.  She punishes the child for not going (extra chores).  The dad never got out of the car any time, never rolled down the window to talk to her, etc.

The children are all in counseling.

The ex brought my friend to court for enforcement of the court order and the judge sentenced her to 215 days in jail and called her an unfit mother who doesn't have control of her child.  The dad got an emergency temporary order giving him custody of the kids.  This is the first time that they had been to court since the divorce was final last spring.

The lessons that I see for those on this board:

• Get an aggressive attorney.  It's likely worth the extra money.
• File your custody modification as soon as you think you have enough evidence.  My friend's attorney recommended waiting until after the enforcement hearing so that she could get the ex on the stand first.  That strategy backfired big-time. (He chose not to testify, and now the judge is angry with my friend.)
• Stress to your children the importance of speaking the whole truth, no matter how hard it is.  Cops were called to multiple exchanges to document that she wouldn't go, and the reasons she gave the cops for not going tended to be frivolous.  She has valid reasons, but she's a kid and she didn't want to talk about them to a stranger.
• Be respectful to the bailiffs and constables, because they can provide good advice and/or show discretion.  (They snuck me back to see my friend before she was handcuffed.  The constable mentioned that as hard as his job is, it's easier when the accused and the family aren't swearing and causing a ruckus.)
• Even if your lawyer thinks there is zero chance that the judge will agree with whatever accusation your ex threw this time, prepare for the worst-case scenario.
  
• It's okay to rely on your village when life gets overwhelming.

Now that NPDex has won, he's switched gears and is asking for her to be released from jail, so we are waiting to see if the judge will agree. 

[worriedStepmom]

I've read several stories here of parents whose child has been kept from them by the personality-disordered parent. When it finally gets to court, the offending parent gets yelled at, and that's about it.

I have an opposite cautionary tale for you.

My friend's ex has diagnosed NPD.  He constantly denigrates my friend in front of the children, ridicules the children, and occasionally hits them.  The oldest child (12) started refusing to go to visits about 8 months ago.  My friend forces the child into the car to meet at the exchange location for every single scheduled exchange.  The younger kids go freely with the dad.  The older one will not get out of the car.  This child is taller and bigger than my friend.  My friend always tells the girl she's supposed to go, that there is a court order saying she has to go, and that it is good for her to have a relationship with her dad.  My friend never says anything negative about her ex.  She never leaves the exchange first.  She punishes the child for not going (extra chores).  The dad never got out of the car any time, never rolled down the window to talk to her, etc.

The children are all in counseling.

The ex brought my friend to court for enforcement of the court order and the judge sentenced her to 215 days in jail and called her an unfit mother who doesn't have control of her child.  The dad got an emergency temporary order giving him custody of the kids.  This is the first time that they had been to court since the divorce was final last spring.

The lessons that I see for those on this board:

• Get an aggressive attorney.  It's likely worth the extra money.
• File your custody modification as soon as you think you have enough evidence.  My friend's attorney recommended waiting until after the enforcement hearing so that she could get the ex on the stand first.  That strategy backfired big-time. (He chose not to testify, and now the judge is angry with my friend.)
• Stress to your children the importance of speaking the whole truth, no matter how hard it is.  Cops were called to multiple exchanges to document that she wouldn't go, and the reasons she gave the cops for not going tended to be frivolous.  She has valid reasons, but she's a kid and she didn't want to talk about them to a stranger.
• Be respectful to the bailiffs and constables, because they can provide good advice and/or show discretion.  (They snuck me back to see my friend before she was handcuffed.  The constable mentioned that as hard as his job is, it's easier when the accused and the family aren't swearing and causing a ruckus.)
• Even if your lawyer thinks there is zero chance that the judge will agree with whatever accusation your ex threw this time, prepare for the worst-case scenario.
  
• It's okay to rely on your village when life gets overwhelming.

Now that NPDex has won, he's switched gears and is asking for her to be released from jail, so we are waiting to see if the judge will agree. 

[Nope]

I'll add to this: Make sure the kids are seeing counselors who will testify! Most judges won't go against the professional's recommendation. So if the T thinks it's better for the child to not have to go then that could weigh heavily.

[ForeverDad]

Can she appeal, object or get it reconsidered, whatever the applicable phrase is?  She needs to pursue that before those options expire, typically ranging from 10 to 30 days.  I have always heard that it is exceedingly rare for a parent, especially a mother, to be jailed.  I can't remember the last time a member reported jail actually being ordered, maybe once or twice, and I've been here a dozen years!

Lots of 'penalties' include jail or fines, but it's only in repeated returns to court that the courts will consider them.  The younger children did go to the other aren't, it was just the older child, a preteen, who refused to go.

Nope is right, get a good counselor involved.  Courts listen to professionals.*  If her ex opposes counseling then Mother ought to file with the court for authorization to start that child in counseling.  (She needs to ensure it's a good counselor, preferably one  she's been able to confirm is reputable and experienced with youths.  One way if the ex is obstructive is to build a vetted short list and then let the ex choose from among those most excellent choices.)

If she was one of those swearing and such, well, that wouldn't have helped her case as the reasonable and stable parent.

I recall when my son was about 7 years old that I was in court for a few issues where I got a magistrate, fortunately just the once, who was behind in her court cases and already in a bad mood.  One matter that came up was that I said my son didn't want to call his mother.  (I seldom got calls from him when with his mother too but why would court care about that?)  The magistrate quizzed, do you let your son skip school if he doesn't want to go?

* My last time in court was at the end of 2013.  I had testified and so did some school teachers.  Court found that I was being "disparaged" repeatedly by ex.  The teachers testified about incidents with Mother and I submitted a list showing the majority of tardies was on Mother's time.  You would think I as parent would have gotten the most attention, right?  Wrong.  The major change was regarding the school year, thank you teachers, I got majority time only during the school year, summers were unchanged.

[worriedStepmom]

The kids - even the oldest - went with their dad on Monday.  (We had 8 adults at the house, including their pastor, to convince her to get into the car.)  Because of that, judge decided to release Mom on probation last night.  If any of the children ever again fail to go with dad, she'll go back to jail.

The kids' T is very well-respected, and she is willing to testify, but the judge wouldn't allow that in the enforcement hearing.  None of us witnesses were allowed to testify to what the child told us about why she wouldn't go either.  We were only allowed to say what we did or what mom did.

Basically, the judge said it was mom's job to physically drag the child (who outweighs her by 20 pounds) out of the car.

[ForeverDad]

That decision does sound rather draconian, especially considering what problematic parents have done in so many courts with minimal if any consequences.

Why would she let that decision stand?  Is there a reason not to object?  As I recall — though I'm not a lawyer — appeals and objections can include only documentation admitted into evidence or testimony and ignore anything else, but wouldn't one basis be to complain be that the judge didn't allow explanation (hearsay?) of why child didn't go?  And while family court judges do have wide discretion, that the decision was unreasonably harsh and did not fit the claimed behavior.

Somehow I get the feeling the judge's position was that the circumstances of the family dynamic and whatever should have been addressed in an earlier stage of the case, that it was too late in the enforcement stage?

Would it make sense to ask the court for a Guardian ad Litem (GAL, lawyer) for the youth so she has her own lawyer and can have more weight in seeking an adjustment to the parenting and exchanges schedule?

[worriedStepmom]

I haven't talked to her about the judge's exact wording or her legal strategy (the kids were around last night), but I do know that she's hired a new lawyer.  I expect them to have a plan set soon on how to proceed - both whether to appeal this and when to file for a custody modification.

I think you are probably right, and the judge expected her to have filed for a custody modification if there was a real issue with the visitation.  Her previous lawyer advised her both to accept a divorce settlement that included a standard custody order and then to wait for a year after the divorce to file for a modification, and I think that was all very bad advice.

I think it's a great idea to get a GAL for the kids!  I'll suggest that to my friend.  I spent 45 minutes last night explaining to the kid that No, she can't go to dad's during the day and sleep at mom's house because mom will go to jail, and No, she can't ride the bus to my house and stay here without his permission, and No, per state law the judge doesn't really care what her opinion is, and yes, I will answer any questions about state law and processes but No, I won't provide any detailed answers about any court cases that involve her because I'm not her parent.

Then I got to reassure my SD that her dad won't go to jail just because SD refused to go with uBPDmom once.

I really wish there was a support group for minors whose parents have a personality disorder.  My heart just breaks for all of these kids having to deal with the dysfunctional and abusive behaviors.