Undiagnosed BPD partner... I feel trapped, but Im finally understanding why..

[ConfusedWife1233]

Hi all...

My first time writing in a forum.
My partner and I have been together for about 4 years. We have 20 years difference in our age. Everything was so good from the beginning. Intense and romantic. we both love to travel everywhere and have so many more places to see and activities to do on our bucket list.

He had already 2 kids, and we have a little toddler of our own now. Also, I am pregnant. Ive always been there for him and his kids, I do so much for them like they were my own. Everyone around me are astonished by how much I actually do...

 In the beginning, we have had a few fights, big argument fights, but I didn’t think too much of it at first. Now that I look back, I have cut friends from my life and made so many changes... thinking I was the problem... .but again, we always worked through it so didn’t think much of it... im a really forgiving person, i dont get stuck in the past.

But the more it goes, the more I see it. i see what ive become, what our couple has become. I feel trapped now. I feel like im always tip toeing around the house making sure everything is well placed so hulk (that’s what I call his anger moments) doesn’t appear. But inevitably, he always come back. And if I engage, I become this target of all things that are wrong! He starts talking to me like im a nobody that doesn’t do anything around the house, like its all my fault. He talks to me the same way he talks about his ex... .so then I wonder if his ex was really the problem or if she’s just like me but got away... .

When he gets back to normal... after a well rested sleep... .or a couple days of silent treatment from both of us, he comes back, hugs me or kisses me like there’s nothing wrong... i can see it that he feels bad, but he won’t admit it... .then when i finally move past it and try to talk about things he said to me that were hurtful and unjustified, he just nods and agrees with me and quickly changes conversations... .until it blows up in my face again on next hulk explosion... .when he is normal, im the best person! He becomes appreciative of all that I do, but when his mad, im the complete opposite... and he starts listen false accusations... .

I feel trapped, because if I didn’t have any kids, I would leave... .he is damaging me I can feel it... .but I absolutely don’t want shared custody... .and I love to travel (he does to) and we have so many great plans for future travels (long term travels) that I won’t be able to do in shared custody... no way I would leave without my son, what would be the point? ... .

So I want to make it work... .but i don’t want to loose myself in the process... .

Anyways, it felt good to write it down, not sure if anyone will read this, but if you are still here, thanks for listening ...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

The splitting (url=  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0 ]see here for a discussion[/url] can be very confusing.

His hesitance to discuss it might be rooted in shame about how he treated you.  You or me?  We would likely take ownership of this and apologize or exhibit remorse. He may feel remorseful,  but lacks the emotional tools to exhibit this healthily. Lashing out soothe him,  as dysfunctional and hurtful to you as it is.  People with BPD feel core shame: "I'm unlovable and don't matter."

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this,  especially given your son and your baby.  Have you seen the lessons at the top of this board? Lesson 3 contains the communication tools which can hemp reduce conflict. Though it's maddening and hurtful to wake up not knowing who you might be dealing with from day Rio day,  it might help adjusting your approach. The most basic tool is Support, Emapthy, Truth, SET. Personally, I resented this at first, but it can help.  Let us know what you think:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Radcliff]

Let me join Turkish in welcoming you.  We're sorry for the tough situation you are in, but are glad you have found us.  This is a supportive community.  You can learn coping tools here that can make things better.  

Can you give us some more detail about what happens leading up to the moments when Hulk comes out?

RC