Past custody battle with son's mother complicating my current pwBPD relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm currently in/out of a relationship with a woman that has definite symptoms of severe suspiciousness, paranoia, significant trust issues and hoping for some reconciliation and a life together and I have issues also.

My ex:
I was pregnancy baited while in a relationship that I had no intentions of keeping forever, I'm insecure, questionable self esteem and we did share the words " I love you" regrettably.  It was a surface relationship to me, not meaningful until after about a year, she became pregnant and stated she WILL keep the baby, it was clear we weren't meant to last long, she thought differently. I was manipulated to no end and she knew I wasn't loved much as a child and my father left when I was 3 to start a new family when I was 11, he and his wife thought of me and my sister as the neighbors kids and treated us accordingly and poorly.  My mother was in her own world and a high functioning alcoholic.  Anyway, my ex knew my weaknesses, where she could manipulate me and getting pregnant for a commitment was a curse, I was 46, yearned for a child earlier in life and gave up on any possibilty of it as I didn't see myself being a good father because I didn't have anything positive to base it on.  I had relationships, all long term that did include 2 abortions, I wasn't ready, I knew I would never be.

She tells me she's pregnant and she's keeping it before I could say a word, even my face made her more adamant.  I knew she wasn't joking and all I could think was I will have a child with this woman and feel guilty my whole life being separate from the child, I wasn't even considering the mother, I didn't love her, I like her companionship.  At that point I would commit to playing along with this woman and sacrifice myself, my happiness to be a father.  I played the role while she enforced her very strong role as soon to be mother and tried in vain to enforce what she thought was my role.  I started to resent her just a few months in and struggled with that unhappiness of being connected to her, lying to myself and her.  I was just focused on this child, a boy.  It unraveled sometimes and my thought of this boy kept me back on this god forsaken path.  Before he was born and the resentment was almost overwhelming and we both knew it, she couldn't have a straight face with me also due to what she had done.  She was on the pill when she got pregnant, she than said she wasn't and than said she was and the pill wasn't perfect?  Even before knowing that, I knew what was her motive, knowing made it worse.  After 3 months, as I was struggling with playing along she wanted a special 100 day party that was culturally significant and I went along.  That night was a fight and she was over the top and left in pajamas with our 3 month old.  there wasn't danger, threat of danger, just her blowing her top because I referred to her as my GF.  She left, went to a friends, I was worried but mostly angry she was using our child as a further manipulation.  After driving back and forth to and from her friends place and mine with no response for a few hours, I just sat in front of my apartment not knowing what to do.  An hour later, my cousin pulls up from 50 miles away with his wife, my son's mother and her friend, I couldn't believe what was happening, twilight moment.  My very kind, strong and recovering alcoholic cousin got into my car and was reacting as though I'm dangerous or the need to calm me down, I was never perceived as a dangerous or unpredictable guy ever, nice, kind, amicable was me.  He asked for my keys to give my son's mother and friend to get her stuff and I complied, my cousin was following a script for a different but real play and I admired him for that and tried to tell him all is not what it appears to no avail.  They took stuff and left, my aunt intervened and they ended up with my aunt at her home, my aunt was not going to be fooled and she knew my cousin and wife could be manipulated.  The story was I tried to kill my son and mother along with other stuff which was absurd and she ended up with my aunt for 2 months threatening not to come home without marriage and I wasn't going to do that, I felt tricked into having a child and it was the end.  My aunt and uncle tried in the healthiest way to have some solution of separation with co-parenting and my son's mother was not on board and not letting me even see my son while threatening I'll never see him again etc.  After 2 months of hell she asked to come home and I had realized the craziness and said no.  She unexpectedly moved out a few days later to her friends while making the same demands and threats.  I thought my only choice was to go to family court, her threats were constant and I had a court order that needed to be served in person only.  I gave her one last chance that night and the threats were I would never see him again,  I felt angry that someone was wielding such power over me, I wasn't so embroiled in not seeing my son however I loved him, it was the thought of living a life in despair while thinking about his life etc.  I surprised served her, It was bad.  On the morning of the first family court appointment, the warrant squad arrested me at home about 2am, I couldn't sleep from nervousness of court the next morning and ended up in jail for 18 hours, released with a restraining order, several felony and misdemeanor charges, that was bad.

16 months of family court hell and criminal court hell, one top notch attorney for each and a court appointed attorney for my 6 month old son (worthless).  DA wanted a plea and that would have lead to a permanently renewable restraining order and mostly I would fight for my innocence at any cost (life changing cost).  Several plea deals were given, I told my attorney, no way.  After 15 months of going back and forth to start trial, the DA was stalling, the last plea deal was $200 fine and anger management classes. Meanwhile at court sanctioned supervised visitations at $250 an hour twice a week, my son's mother was yanking out his pacifier prior to handing him to me to sit with a top forensic psychologist in the field so he would scream as I took him and hardly be consolable for the hour I had him (45 minutes, sometimes 15 minutes because she purposely showed late).  After the first time I pleaded with the psychologist to try and observe, he did, but his job was court mandated to observe me.  He wrote an a letter of recommendation to the court that she needed evaluation and it was ignored, he wrote another asking for further examination into the whole farce, ignored and I was still in criminal court being treated like a fairly dangerous guy in family court.  I would not take any plea, it would have been a permanent mark against me, a record searchable by anyone.

When all was said and done, I ended up having a criminal trial for 2 days, not guilty and family court gave me visitation twice a month overnight and of course child support.  I lobbied the DA's off ice to examine the travesty regarding false charges, I wanted her to pay, I had no recourse.

It was about a few months before everything came down to a anticlimactic end, I met my love.  I told her everything and was surprised at her almost nonchalant attitude, I thought all was right in the world.  My love was more focused on how we met and what went wrong and I didn't understand at that time, she was building her own case against me until trial almost 4 years later where she was judge and jury.  Meanwhile, my son's mother would text me, try and control every second I had my son and off times as well.  My mistake, regrettable mistake was not sharing this with my love, I thought I could protect us and her by dealing with it alone, it would eventually subside.  Overnight visits with my son were great, my love treated him like family and the world was as right as could be, my loves mood was always turned when I arrived home after dropping him off and things would start, the accusations, anything.  There was even a reference to what's her face from Game of thrones and how I would look at her, Wow!  Things eventually got better with my son's mother, she remarried, my love intervened and set her straight, but he idea that my love kept thinking that my son's mother loved me and I would always be manipulated by her started to cause those "imaginary things" that would burst out with viciousness.  I tried to comply with my love's digging thinking it would come to an end, sometimes I resisted because I had the feeling everything was being used against me in a very warped way.  It didn't help that I started to go down the hill financially and my love felt any child support, preschool was money that belonged in our house and that was money being extorted out of me, she was somewhat right but lacked any empathy regarding my situation.  I lied to her when she asked about preschool and where he was going, I just felt it was just a notch in her belt against me, it was.  As time went on ,financial woes and stresses, she didn't really want my son over or couldn't be nice and ignored him at times.  She said his face would remind her (imagine) of the love we shared, the good times, the financial better times that my son's mother enjoyed and she couldn't, the money thing was correct and I couldn't wait to give my love more, the rest was nonsense all the way.  She had a son I loved by default, 14 when I met him and I knew before I moved in I was going to be a plus however I can fit into the equation.  Me and my love did love each other and it showed, I disappointed her by lying and not sharing, I couldn't trust it wasn't going to be held against me and I told her without any reassurances, sometimes not, I could have stood taller, I didn't at times, it was a whirlwind uncontrolled chaos at times without solution.  I should have been very forthcoming, I wasn't, it played upon her fears, insecurities , paranoia, extreme suspicious thinking.  I think I could have kept them at bay, I have no way of knowing, I just know that I started production of mental poison in my love that started spreading to every nook and cranny of us, the fear became real, the dream became the truth and no amount of reassurance, denial, logic, could stop the mess or maybe subside a bit.  I heard things about us making love made her feel like I was making love to my son's mother and things like that.  Anyway, my love didn't want me to see my son for a while and I hated that she wasn't trying to see that I am devoted to her and her son with my soul.  I complied for two reasons, my son's mother got married, he has a new family and she stopped the BS mostly because my love got involved, the trauma of having to deal with my son's mother was traumatic and It did stress me  out to see my son, arrange to see him, sometimes causing my overreacting to my love causing this circular problem.  I don't think I can have a healthy anything by keeping in touch with my son, it hurts to understand that and he has a family.  I want my relationship with my love back to get better and grow old together.  My love at times asked that I not give him up, she doesn't want to blamed later, she is fixated on that as well as "my living and imagined past".  I know if thing don't work out with my love, I would still feel the same about the trauma involved with seeing him, any interaction with his mother, I tried to forgive to move on and it's mixed with the trauma she caused me in my life.  I could not imagine getting rid of my son from my life if he came into this world differently and definitively not because of my love for the love of my life.  If I knew how bad the suspicious, paranoid, lack of trusting, etc. was I would have done things so differently.  I have changed my perspective, outlook on everything, I am the same person that will always love her for my life despite the struggles and pain we share.

Why couldn't we move on from my past, there was no threat, no love lost, no emotional connection and definitely no possibility of ever wanting to be with anyone from my past, not even in our dreams when me and my love are having great difficulties, even when my love is disgusted by me, even when I feel no love from anywhere.

[Sandb2015]

I'm currently in/out of a relationship with a woman that has definite symptoms of severe suspiciousness, paranoia, significant trust issues and hoping for some reconciliation and a life together and I have issues also.

My ex:
I was pregnancy baited while in a relationship that I had no intentions of keeping forever, I'm insecure, questionable self esteem and we did share the words " I love you" regrettably.  It was a surface relationship to me, not meaningful until after about a year, she became pregnant and stated she WILL keep the baby, it was clear we weren't meant to last long, she thought differently. I was manipulated to no end and she knew I wasn't loved much as a child and my father left when I was 3 to start a new family when I was 11, he and his wife thought of me and my sister as the neighbors kids and treated us accordingly and poorly.  My mother was in her own world and a high functioning alcoholic.  Anyway, my ex knew my weaknesses, where she could manipulate me and getting pregnant for a commitment was a curse, I was 46, yearned for a child earlier in life and gave up on any possibilty of it as I didn't see myself being a good father because I didn't have anything positive to base it on.  I had relationships, all long term that did include 2 abortions, I wasn't ready, I knew I would never be.

She tells me she's pregnant and she's keeping it before I could say a word, even my face made her more adamant.  I knew she wasn't joking and all I could think was I will have a child with this woman and feel guilty my whole life being separate from the child, I wasn't even considering the mother, I didn't love her, I like her companionship.  At that point I would commit to playing along with this woman and sacrifice myself, my happiness to be a father.  I played the role while she enforced her very strong role as soon to be mother and tried in vain to enforce what she thought was my role.  I started to resent her just a few months in and struggled with that unhappiness of being connected to her, lying to myself and her.  I was just focused on this child, a boy.  It unraveled sometimes and my thought of this boy kept me back on this god forsaken path.  Before he was born and the resentment was almost overwhelming and we both knew it, she couldn't have a straight face with me also due to what she had done.  She was on the pill when she got pregnant, she than said she wasn't and than said she was and the pill wasn't perfect?  Even before knowing that, I knew what was her motive, knowing made it worse.  After 3 months, as I was struggling with playing along she wanted a special 100 day party that was culturally significant and I went along.  That night was a fight and she was over the top and left in pajamas with our 3 month old.  there wasn't danger, threat of danger, just her blowing her top because I referred to her as my GF.  She left, went to a friends, I was worried but mostly angry she was using our child as a further manipulation.  After driving back and forth to and from her friends place and mine with no response for a few hours, I just sat in front of my apartment not knowing what to do.  An hour later, my cousin pulls up from 50 miles away with his wife, my son's mother and her friend, I couldn't believe what was happening, twilight moment.  My very kind, strong and recovering alcoholic cousin got into my car and was reacting as though I'm dangerous or the need to calm me down, I was never perceived as a dangerous or unpredictable guy ever, nice, kind, amicable was me.  He asked for my keys to give my son's mother and friend to get her stuff and I complied, my cousin was following a script for a different but real play and I admired him for that and tried to tell him all is not what it appears to no avail.  They took stuff and left, my aunt intervened and they ended up with my aunt at her home, my aunt was not going to be fooled and she knew my cousin and wife could be manipulated.  The story was I tried to kill my son and mother along with other stuff which was absurd and she ended up with my aunt for 2 months threatening not to come home without marriage and I wasn't going to do that, I felt tricked into having a child and it was the end.  My aunt and uncle tried in the healthiest way to have some solution of separation with co-parenting and my son's mother was not on board and not letting me even see my son while threatening I'll never see him again etc.  After 2 months of hell she asked to come home and I had realized the craziness and said no.  She unexpectedly moved out a few days later to her friends while making the same demands and threats.  I thought my only choice was to go to family court, her threats were constant and I had a court order that needed to be served in person only.  I gave her one last chance that night and the threats were I would never see him again,  I felt angry that someone was wielding such power over me, I wasn't so embroiled in not seeing my son however I loved him, it was the thought of living a life in despair while thinking about his life etc.  I surprised served her, It was bad.  On the morning of the first family court appointment, the warrant squad arrested me at home about 2am, I couldn't sleep from nervousness of court the next morning and ended up in jail for 18 hours, released with a restraining order, several felony and misdemeanor charges, that was bad.

16 months of family court hell and criminal court hell, one top notch attorney for each and a court appointed attorney for my 6 month old son (worthless).  DA wanted a plea and that would have lead to a permanently renewable restraining order and mostly I would fight for my innocence at any cost (life changing cost).  Several plea deals were given, I told my attorney, no way.  After 15 months of going back and forth to start trial, the DA was stalling, the last plea deal was $200 fine and anger management classes. Meanwhile at court sanctioned supervised visitations at $250 an hour twice a week, my son's mother was yanking out his pacifier prior to handing him to me to sit with a top forensic psychologist in the field so he would scream as I took him and hardly be consolable for the hour I had him (45 minutes, sometimes 15 minutes because she purposely showed late).  After the first time I pleaded with the psychologist to try and observe, he did, but his job was court mandated to observe me.  He wrote an a letter of recommendation to the court that she needed evaluation and it was ignored, he wrote another asking for further examination into the whole farce, ignored and I was still in criminal court being treated like a fairly dangerous guy in family court.  I would not take any plea, it would have been a permanent mark against me, a record searchable by anyone.

When all was said and done, I ended up having a criminal trial for 2 days, not guilty and family court gave me visitation twice a month overnight and of course child support.  I lobbied the DA's off ice to examine the travesty regarding false charges, I wanted her to pay, I had no recourse.

It was about a few months before everything came down to a anticlimactic end, I met my love.  I told her everything and was surprised at her almost nonchalant attitude, I thought all was right in the world.  My love was more focused on how we met and what went wrong and I didn't understand at that time, she was building her own case against me until trial almost 4 years later where she was judge and jury.  Meanwhile, my son's mother would text me, try and control every second I had my son and off times as well.  My mistake, regrettable mistake was not sharing this with my love, I thought I could protect us and her by dealing with it alone, it would eventually subside.  Overnight visits with my son were great, my love treated him like family and the world was as right as could be, my loves mood was always turned when I arrived home after dropping him off and things would start, the accusations, anything.  There was even a reference to what's her face from Game of thrones and how I would look at her, Wow!  Things eventually got better with my son's mother, she remarried, my love intervened and set her straight, but he idea that my love kept thinking that my son's mother loved me and I would always be manipulated by her started to cause those "imaginary things" that would burst out with viciousness.  I tried to comply with my love's digging thinking it would come to an end, sometimes I resisted because I had the feeling everything was being used against me in a very warped way.  It didn't help that I started to go down the hill financially and my love felt any child support, preschool was money that belonged in our house and that was money being extorted out of me, she was somewhat right but lacked any empathy regarding my situation.  I lied to her when she asked about preschool and where he was going, I just felt it was just a notch in her belt against me, it was.  As time went on ,financial woes and stresses, she didn't really want my son over or couldn't be nice and ignored him at times.  She said his face would remind her (imagine) of the love we shared, the good times, the financial better times that my son's mother enjoyed and she couldn't, the money thing was correct and I couldn't wait to give my love more, the rest was nonsense all the way.  She had a son I loved by default, 14 when I met him and I knew before I moved in I was going to be a plus however I can fit into the equation.  Me and my love did love each other and it showed, I disappointed her by lying and not sharing, I couldn't trust it wasn't going to be held against me and I told her without any reassurances, sometimes not, I could have stood taller, I didn't at times, it was a whirlwind uncontrolled chaos at times without solution.  I should have been very forthcoming, I wasn't, it played upon her fears, insecurities , paranoia, extreme suspicious thinking.  I think I could have kept them at bay, I have no way of knowing, I just know that I started production of mental poison in my love that started spreading to every nook and cranny of us, the fear became real, the dream became the truth and no amount of reassurance, denial, logic, could stop the mess or maybe subside a bit.  I heard things about us making love made her feel like I was making love to my son's mother and things like that.  Anyway, my love didn't want me to see my son for a while and I hated that she wasn't trying to see that I am devoted to her and her son with my soul.  I complied for two reasons, my son's mother got married, he has a new family and she stopped the BS mostly because my love got involved, the trauma of having to deal with my son's mother was traumatic and It did stress me  out to see my son, arrange to see him, sometimes causing my overreacting to my love causing this circular problem.  I don't think I can have a healthy anything by keeping in touch with my son, it hurts to understand that and he has a family.  I want my relationship with my love back to get better and grow old together.  My love at times asked that I not give him up, she doesn't want to blamed later, she is fixated on that as well as "my living and imagined past".  I know if thing don't work out with my love, I would still feel the same about the trauma involved with seeing him, any interaction with his mother, I tried to forgive to move on and it's mixed with the trauma she caused me in my life.  I could not imagine getting rid of my son from my life if he came into this world differently and definitively not because of my love for the love of my life.  If I knew how bad the suspicious, paranoid, lack of trusting, etc. was I would have done things so differently.  I have changed my perspective, outlook on everything, I am the same person that will always love her for my life despite the struggles and pain we share.

Why couldn't we move on from my past, there was no threat, no love lost, no emotional connection and definitely no possibility of ever wanting to be with anyone from my past, not even in our dreams when me and my love are having great difficulties, even when my love is disgusted by me, even when I feel no love from anywhere.

[worriedStepmom]

It sounds like you've been through an awful lot over the last few years.  Are you seeing a therapist to help deal with the emotional fallout of all of that?  In your shoes, I imagine I'd have a form of PTSD after all of that, especially considering that you still have to see your child's mother occasionally.

What is your goal?

To convince your girlfriend (who is exhibiting signs of a mental illness) to accept your child?

To be with your girlfriend (who is exhibiting signs of a mental illness) at all costs?  Which means giving up your child completely?  Are there other parts of you that you've had to give up or are willing to give up in order to placate her?  (e.g., friends, activities, jobs, opinions?)

To justify to yourself (because we're strangers - you don't have to justify to us) your reasons for giving up your child?

[Sandb2015]

Thank you for the rawness, it brings further clarity.

I went to therapy during and after the ordeal, the after never came because the system did essentially make my son’s mother the winner, reinforce her ideas of right and wrong so to this day, she will weld a very controlling and high hand in any way she can. She is married to a good guy and is good to my son. The trauma must end with my interaction with her and I can’t afford to dance in the family court system to end up with the same.  I need to give up, it’s too much and she won’t stop, she gets satisfaction in trying to control and it’s continued trauma...

My son is a separate matter, he is very young and his mother will not stop the torment. My current love told her she can pick up my son and my son’s mother said no. My current love came up with that idea to have some responsibilities and shield me from the interactions with my son’s mother and I was grateful.

I don’t think I can see him for a long time whether or not I’m able to reconcile with my love.

I have given up many things for my love, I wouldn’t have lost so much of myself if I happened on this site, I did happen upon a terribly negative site that confused me very much.

I am not willing to give up things big and small for the love of a woman.

I still want to have a relationship with her, I have a plan and tools without any guarantees I know.

I am not in denial, I have faith and can see something better that what has happened, I want better and can do better, I will not hang on at any cost, that will kill me.

[worriedStepmom]

Thank you for clarifying that you are struggling with two different issues - the difficult interactions with your son's mother and breaking up with a girlfriend.  Either one of those sounds difficult, and you're having to wade through both of them.  That really sucks.

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now.  Breakups are HARD, and most of us aren't in the clearest frame of mind while we are recovering from them.  I highly encourage you not to make any big decisions - including whether to cut contact with your son - while you are still processing the pain or trying to win back your girlfriend.  It's easy to make impulsive decisions that we think will stop our pain or make life better for ourselves and those around us, only to realize later we were reacting when we weren't in a clear frame of mind (been there, done that).

When I divorced, I went to therapy for a year, and it really helped me.  It sounds like therapy helped you in the past, too.  Would you be willing to think about going back now?  It's good to have a neutral person to help talk through the painful feelings.

What else are you doing for self-care now?  How are you handling the custody exchanges?

[Sandb2015]

I have hope we can reconcile, I’m prepared to do things differently and realistic about what or may not happen.

I feel repetitive... .

The trauma that has occurred with my son’s mother has not been alleviated, I thought the extensive criminal and family court ordeal was the end , it was not.

I kept in touch with the top forensic psychologist that was supervising visitations, he recommended to the court to have a forensic analysis done on us and stated to me I would have gotten full custody if I did, he stated during and after that I should not feel guilty to eventually give up because he said my issues are caused by her, I have no recourse and it won’t end with her. It took me years to understand what he was saying that I was denying, I thought he, a top psychologist was being dramatic, joke is on me.

I reached my limit on that, I can’t enjoy my son while accepting the trauma his mother wants to continue giving.  He is in good hands and I’m grateful, I can’t change anything, The “system” is not designed to dig deeper or follow up.on anything.

I feel a great loss. A necessary loss.

I feel the same about my love if we don’t reconcile and even if we do, I have a plan and that may not work.

[Sandb2015]

Sorry for the double responses, I have anxiety.

I haven’t seen my son since July and his mother wants her and her husband to adopt my son.

She knows the control she has and the torment she can extend to me.  I probably will need to cut ties depending on the available terms of adoption.

I can visualize that part of my life being gone and feel so much better even with the tremendous guilt of not seeing him, the attachment is causing me severe trauma and she will exploit it without consequences or accountability.

My love with symptoms of BPD threw me out far from a typical breakup, it’s beyond my comprehension but I want a life with her and will explore every avenue until I can’t.

Two distinct and painful situations I can’t mix.

[ForeverDad]

They cannot adopt your son unless you legally give up your son.  You are the father, the current status is that your ex, however right or wrong, has seized parenting.  You are still the father, perhaps when you're in a better place - think counseling1 - you can resume visits.  However, be very aware that the longer you are not having visits, the harder it will be to resume them.  She will claim you're a horrible person for letting visits stop at the least, and probably far worse.

While we can't tell you what to do or not do, we can assure you that your son still needs you even if you've had some setbacks.  Perhaps her new relationship partner is great with parenting, but you are still Dad.  You should not abdicate being the father.  That can't be undone without your agreement.  Think long and hard before taking that step.

Here's an example.  Courts are very careful not to enable a parent to be blocked from at least some parenting time.  You stated you hadn't seen him since the summer.  Nearly all states have holiday schedules where each parent gets half the holidays each year.  Usually the holidays are alternated.  If you had Independence Day then she got the next one , Labor Day.  And so on.  Then the next year the parents switch and the ones you were assigned last year are hers this year and the ones she was assigned last year are yours this year.  That's the pattern.  As I wrote, court can be very strict with compliance, it's not up to her to deny.  In order of precedence, holidays come first, then vacations, then the regular schedule.

If she is denying visits then your option is to contest her blocking or obstructing actions in court.  Sure she will claim you are Mr Evil Personified, mine did too.  I faced a multitude of allegations too.  But I kept my nose clean, never gave her valid basis to allege I was neglectful, abusive or endangering.  I never shouted at her, not even if she was ranting and raging at me.  In short, despite being demonized I was actually as angelic as I could be.  It took years but in time she lost credibility ("not credible" was in one court decision) with CPS, court, lawyers, counselors, etc.

I started with alternate weekends.  I walked out of the divorce 2 years later with equal time, 3 more years and I gained legal custody and 2 more years I walked out of court with majority time during the school year.  My point?  All is not lost!  You feel that way now, but you can choose your path going forward.  With informed guidance, such as here with peer support, your life can and will get brighter and better.  Counseling is at the top of the list.  Resuming parenting visits ASAP should be high on your list too, even if just resuming your assigned holidays then later a one or two week vacation this summer.

For vacations you have to give advance notice.  Not a request, it's a notice!  Spring Break usually needs notices sent by Feb 15, Summer by May 15, your county may vary.  Be aware that the first one to make the request gets priority for that vacation date.  And a vacation can't include the other parent's holiday time unless the other parent agrees.

Repeat, she can't block your holidays, vacations, or parenting time without basis.  Sure, she can refuse, obstruct, sabotage, whatever, but your alternative is to document the refusals (typically asking an officer or deputy to assist in the exchange, so have the parenting order with you) and then using those reports as proof when you go to court for resolution.

[Sandb2015]

I wish I had faith in the court system in NYC, I don't.  I've been throw under the bus to no end.  I had a super attorney and she was dumbfounded.  She works off the books and the court didn't care along with so many other things so many other things, warnings from the psychologist etc.  I can't keep going, I can't afford it, the court ignored that she stopped me from seeing him on special and court mandated days.  She was never held accountable and she did make my son suffer because of me.

I hear you.  She can keep me in court forever, she's not on her own and utilized a cultural group (political) to railroad me from the beginning and they are still in close communication with her.  Now the church and cultural group (political ties).

I know it's easy for her to go to court, it's barely work when other people are gunning for her, pay legal fees, letters of recommendation etc.

It's so easy to be destructive especially when a system has allowed it and will continue.  I can't stand the thought of her and it's out of hand how she will continue to cause me grief without accountability.

There is no court system that will prevent her from being emotionally destructive ad infinitum.

I've had therapy, counseling and the missing link is her motive and her ability.  I'm traumatized, always will be and she will exploit it enough to not have it come above the surface in a legal way that gains the attention of the court in a meaningful way.

Imagine asking to have him picked up by my very serious GF (same nationality) and the answer is no just to be an a**h*le.  Imagine having to go to court each time and then when we go, she lies and the court just shrugs and reinstates the court order.

I am a mouse in a maze, no hole and the smell of cheese is pumped in... .

For my own sanity, I have to stay away indefinitely.

I hear you, I do.