Mad at the stigma against mental illness/ addiction

[FaithHopeLove]

This year my husband faced cancer (fortunately now cancer free) and my son was diagnosed with BPD. People ask about my husband freely. No shame. But talking about my son is another matter. He is SICK but it is so hard to talk about it. I am so thankful for this safe space. I just wish the world at large would get it. We are talking about illness here not a shameful moral failing. Who else can relate? How do you handle it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Music Ace]

FHLKC - perhaps a flippant response from someone in a sad place.  BUT ... .

How can I expect the world/society to respond to what my child is going through better than I?  

Cancer is inflicted on us, not chosen         Mental Illness is inflicted on us, not chosen
Cancer has treatment options                    Mental Illness has treatment options
Cancer can be 'cured'                                    Mental Illness never is
You can't 'catch' cancer                                You can't 'catch' mental illness
Cancer makes others sad                             Mental Illness makes others scared/unnerved
We can talk about cancer, console             We can't talk about mental illness, embarrassing
Cancer is a disease                                        Mental Illness is an excuse
Cancer kills the host                                      Mental Illness destroys the host AND all those around

If my child 'wanted' to get better ... .and seriously, who wouldn't, then work to get better.  If you don't get treatment for cancer or mental illness, the result is ultimately the same.  BUT, what bothers me is this, if I KNOW I need glasses to drive, choose not to wear said glasses, kill someone while driving without my glasses, it is my responsibility.  If I have a mental illness and know (or don't know), do nothing about it (or relapse), and kill someone (neglect, murder, drive to suicide) ... .the courts will sometimes deem it is NOT my responsibility.  BUT, the result is ultimately the same here too ... .someone has died at my hand.  Mental illness gets a pass.  They weren't in control, they couldn't control.  Breaks my heart. 

So perhaps, that is but one reason (and an extreme one, I will fully admit), why mental illness is not taken seriously. 

Do you know, in Canada, to get a psych referral for someone NOT in crisis (admitted to an emergency room and then send to a psych ward for holding because of severe and imminent risk to self or others) ... .can be up to a year ... .in LARGE centres.  AND when they get that appointment, can't just take an x-ray to determine which bone is broken in the arm (because the arm is pointed the wrong way or the patient can point to the arm and say - hey this hurts!).

Ok - gonna late getting ready for work.

Sorry about the negative or voicing things that make people uncomfortable ... .but it's frustrating on so very VERY many levels.  AND, I really just want my daughter back, healthy and happy and contributing positively to society.  AND, I don't see that happening any time soon (or ever?).

Ace

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh Ace, I don't know what is happening with your daughter exactly but I feel for you. It seems like you are frustrated because she is not seeking treatment for BPD. Is that right? There are lots of reasons why people don't. Many of them have to do with the disease itself. It's not just bad choices. But sometimes even after many false starts they do. It might not seem like it but there is still hope for your daughter.

[Music Ace]

Thanks FHLKC - while she is alive ... .there is always 'hope'. But if she can't see what I can see, then she'll never see the help that I see she needs. But that's the kicker ... .I can see it through MY eyes only.

I'm not a drug addict and I don't believe I have BPD, PTSD, anxiety, depression,  OCD, and a myriad of other things.  My husband also didn't die of a fentanyl od. So, I don't really know what she's dealing with, I'm not living her life.

I want her to get help desperately. But I can't want her fixed more than she wants to be fixed. She is so used to some parts of her mental illness and addiction that I believe she can't see that being able to walk into a grocery store to buy some cherries is even a possibility any more ... .why would she want to? She can't see why ... .there are so many stronger why nots that have control.

And yet ... .she is still alive ... .so there is hope. No expectations (on a good day for me ) but always a glimmer of hope if I consider it or choose to look for it. Those are my choices. Still going to be sad for ME ... .but I'm getting smarter that those were my dreams for her that she is not able/capable of achieving right now. Just my dreams.

Her plans currently include trying to stay alive. I'm gonna give her credit on achieving that goal each day she can.

Ace

[FaithHopeLove]

I agree. Where there is life there is hope. Staying alive is an excellent goal. Here's a hug for you. 

[Music Ace]

Funny ... .as I was typing this to you, she had responded to my most recent email to say that she was minutes away from ending her life. She had her plan and had messaged a friend who SHOULD have been asleep final details confirming care of her cats. He biked over, disposed of the crushed oxy she was about to sniff. And they just talked.

She can't do that with me. I don't jump each time and understand that that may be a decision that has life altering/threatening consequences. But I also have to accept that if she is successful in a suicide attempt,  it was her choice and her suffering has ended.  My suffering will never end until I perceive her to be healthy and happy. I grieve her loss every day. I grieve the loss of my son in law (may have been a choice) ... .but it's definitely a different loss (permanent vs perceived, in law vs child).

So after only having the time to read just that one line that she had intended to kill herself one more time ... .I collected my class of 25 4th and 5th graders and helped them not to squeak in their first recorder attempts. Then I picked up my 24 grade 6s and laughed with them through their attempts to follow my wicked hard conducting patterns.

This is my daily life ... .but like her ... .I'm still alive too. I'm still able to breathe, eat, sleep, laugh ... .most days. I'm starting to like me again and NOT live just for her. (I have another equally wonderful daughter and husband of 31 years and lots of plans for impending retirement.)

I can't care about our relationship more than her. It won't fix it  ... .but it just might put too much pressure on her and make it worse.

Thanks for letting ME think aloud .

Back to work - this time it's 1st year (7th grade) band students followed by 60 minutes of 3rd graders singing and dancing (that's the scariest part of my day!)

Ace

[FaithHopeLove]

You are doing really great Ace. I like that you are getting to like you. II suspect lots of people like you. You might as well join the crowd.

[wendydarling]

FHLKC

What a tough year for you  , I'm glad to hear your husband has recovered from his cancer, truly challenging diagnosis's for the two men you love dearly.

People ask about my husband freely. No shame. But talking about my son is another matter. He is SICK but it is so hard to talk about it. I am so thankful for this safe space. I just wish the world at large would get it. We are talking about illness here not a shameful moral failing. Who else can relate? How do you handle it?

I relate!

I remember as a young girl the word cancer being considered death sentence, people did not talk about it (or perhaps would not with me just a girl) not sure if others relate to that. Today we can, the information is out there, as has been the investment in medical science, screening. The equivalent investment, awareness just isn't out there yet for MH, though the education sector here in the UK is constantly warning government etc. I could go on... .and on  

He is SICK but it is so hard to talk about it.

Can we help unwrap what this means for you? I'm thinking this conversation may help you feel less alone, so it's not hard to talk about it. We can advocate for our children in many ways... .we are here!

It's a recent diagnosis for your son, lets consider that too.

WDx

[smallbluething]

Your resilience is amazing Ace and even if your daughter seems beyond help right now, you are making such a difference to all your school kids - squeaky recorders, scary singers and dancers and all!

My suffering will never end until I perceive her to be healthy and happy. I grieve her loss every day. I grieve the loss of my son in law (may have been a choice) ... .but it's definitely a different loss (permanent vs perceived, in law vs child).

Grief is something I've been musing on lately. My mother is slowly succumbing to Alzheimers and I think the tragedy of this type of disease is the grieving for the loss of a loved one while they are still alive. With my BPD-DD I have a different kind of grief; grief for the person that could-have-been.

[HappyChappy]

Some excellent points made on an important topic. I hate to say it, but the BPD approach of denying you have anything wrong with you, is probably sensible in today’s climate.

People fear the unknown, so the solution is to get people talking about mental health, to increase awareness first of all. The next step is to get legal precedence.  To put that into context, I lend time to a mental health charity, the Charity lawyers make it clear they need to be black or female to win a prejudice trial (effectively). People can just say they didn’t know you were ill, prove otherwise.

Our government requires all business to have a Mental Health Act 2010 policy in place. I recently went at big government organisation that didn’t have one, and was applying prejudice. Took it all the way to the CEO.  This scared me because their arguments were desperate, but they wouldn't budge. However, when we enquired about the their Mental Health Act policy 6 months later, they now have implemented one. I have customers that have already benefited from that.

We need to keep making these small wins, and slowly step towards equality. It may not happen in our life time, but it will happen. Well unless the Narcassist take over the world and stoke up fear and prejudice.

Btw comedians are spearheading mental health awareness in the UK. One of the few jobs you wouldn’t compromise by admitting that. E.g. Stephen Fry and Ruby Wax. The latter has a series of comedy shows solely focused on raising awareness.  Here’s her video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbbMLOZjUYI

America’s Marie Banforth is also a breath of fresh air.

[Lollypop]

Hi FHL

First of all I told everybody about the dx. I was faced with most silence after the initial response of “oh”. People just didn’t know what to say. Dx followed years of chaos as I tried quite extreme ways of fixing my son. This was from both family and friends.

my son’s situation improved DIRECTLY IN RESPONSE to my change in approach and interactions with him. Do others ask about him now? Yes, but there not genuinely interested as they’re judgmental. You see, visually my son is an oddity. He does not conform to the “norm” - he just does not care about how he looks most of the time. But he’s careful about his personal hygiene.

How do I cope?  With love, we warmly view him as being a bit “potty”.  It helps us lighten up. The word conveys (to us as Brits)  somebody who is harmless, vulnerable, changeable with odd ways of thinking or doing. I don’t tell my son this, just to be clear.

I found that my son was extremely scared of the dx and he felt his situation hopeless. He reeled. Me reminding him of that seriousness made it worse for him. Highly emotional, he just doesn’t think straight. Remembering, he’s using mind altering drugs most of the time too. I cant reason with him when he’s like this.

The best way to support them is to be calm and detached. Openhearted, warm and loving without judgment.

Your son must be feeling very scared about his situation. He must be worried about his dad too. These are big issues. You can’t change his choices, he learns by his mistakes. How much do you think he’s affected by his dads illness? Are your children supporting each other?

You’ve got it tough that’s for sure.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Excerpt: Can we help unwrap what this means for you? I'm thinking this conversation may help you feel less alone, so it's not hard to talk about it. We can advocate for our children in many ways... .we are here!

Thank you. That is an excellent idea. To me saying my son is sick means simply that he has an illness, in this case a mental illness, really two. BPD and addiction. I don't love him less for it or condemn him for having it any more than I loved my husband less or condemned him for having cancer (which he thankfully recovered from.) I refuse to go along with the stigma. When people ask how my son is I either say 'fine' or I tell the truth depending on who they are and whether I trust them not to judge.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you HC for your information and advocacy.

[FaithHopeLove]

Exerpt from Lollypop
Your son must be feeling very scared about his situation. He must be worried about his dad too. These are big issues. You can’t change his choices, he learns by his mistakes. How much do you think he’s affected by his dads illness? Are your children supporting each other?


Yes he is scared. I am learning to not show fear around him because it only makes him more fearful. He needs me to be a calm presence. He did worry about his dad. That along with his GF breaking up with him is what was behind the hospitalization in October where he got his dx Fortunately his dad (DH) is all better now. Cancer free. We don't have other children together but my husband has a daughter 38 who is very supportive of our son. My stepdaughter is wonderful in fact. But like you say, and as DS often says himself it is his life and he has to learn from his own mistakes. Thanks for listening

[DharmaGate]

Faithhopelove, this is such a wonderful thread, thank you !  You were one of the first to reach out to me thank you! I wil never forget your post with your son and the crime I was so scared for you guys. How are you?

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Dharmagate. We are in a good space right now. There has been no further violence since the robbery and my son seems OK. He is looking for a new apartment. His lease ends next month. He says he looks forward to putting the bad memories behind him (breaking up with his GF and now the robbery) How are you doing?

[DharmaGate]

Oh that’s is great to hear I am good  , lost long post to u computer troubles,  stigma I talk a lot about in general conversation most families have mental illness addiction. Look forward to reading your posts, love them! ❤️

[Daisy123]

Hello FHL,

. We are talking about illness here not a shameful moral failing. Who else can relate? How do you handle it? 

These are great questions.

When my Dd was first diagnosed, I sadly read some articles on Psychology Today which stated the illness was rooted in some genetics, but also caused by early trauma. DDs evaluator said because I “yelled” at my daughter, it traumatized her leading to this disease. So that was my introduction- shame and blame. I’ve internalized this as it still haunts me even though the newer research says otherwise.

My DD has done some outrageous things due to this illness, theft, drugs, self injury, suicide attempts, trashing my house, attacking me, Sugar Daddies... .All things that are shamefilled, embarrassing all things that leads parents and friends of nons, judge.

It’s easy to blame these actions on bad parenting. So, how do I handle all of this? I don’t share much of what creates conflict and pain in my life because I want to avoid the blame game.

 I have a group of parentsthat meets monthly. They have attended the family Connections 12 week course. We are getting to the point where we can share more freely. Those kinds of relationships of trust take time to build. I have a therapist- but honestly, when having to deal with the day to day ups and downs of this disease, I feel like it’s just not enough support.

I wish I felt more comfortable withl silence that I often experience when I do share. My own insecurities take over. At times that feeling of isolation can get overwhelming. My DD does something outlandish and who will ever understand this without thinking that she’s a selfish, horrible person?

[FaithHopeLove]

hello Daisy
Your response hit my heart. I will say more later. I just want you to know I am thinking about you.