My 24 yo Daughter with BPD is so messy and dirty it's driving me nuts

[bijou321]

She has always been messy and dirty. It is so hard to live with. She doesn't take her dirty cups or dishes to the sink after eating. She will just leave her cups and plates on the table. I have a few times in the past just left them there piling up thinking that eventually she would "get it" and do the dishes but she doesn't. I have even gone so far as to buy paper cups and plates thinking that she would be embarassed as an adult having to eat that way and would smarten up. That didn't work. When she cooks she just leaves everything on the counter for me to clean up. She puts empty jugs and containers back in the fridge and cupboards. I work a job as well so it's tiring after coming home from work and having to clean up after another adult constantly. Sometimes I don't even say anything to her about it anymore because I don't know if it will ever get better with her and it's not worth me getting my blood pressure up over it and my emotions. Sometimes she will cook for example eggs, and will just throw the eggshells in the sink instead of the garbage. things like that constantly. I just feel like I spend so much time trying to keep the house clean and that she does not respect that or even care. It is SO frustrating!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi bijou321,

I can sense your frustration and anger - you are trying to keep the house tidy and your DD is not doing her part. Has she ever lived on her own? Had to keep up with the chores in her own space? My DD didn't seem to think it was a big deal until she had her own space and struggled to keep it tidy while others made messes.

Have you checked out some of the communication skills we teach here? Specifically, D.E.A.R. M.A.N. comes to mind.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?

Do you think this might work for you and your DD? 

Here's a link with more information about the techniques that have been proven to improve communication with a pwBPD:

Communicate - Listen and Be Heard

We can support you, help you with ways to communicate so that you don't feel so used up at the end of the day. We're here for you.

~ OH

[bijou321]

Thanks for the reply. I will look at the information you suggested.

[Lollypop]

Hi bjijou

I totally get it. My son is terrible too but at least your daughter cooks! How to get them to learn the life skills they’ll need to live independently?

I think OH’s suggestion of DEARMAN is great. The first time I used it I got myself prepared and practised and I chose the right moment m... My son wasn’t paying his contribution towards his living expenses at home (when he was 24 and working). I learnt that it takes him 5-6 times for it to come to him as natural behaviour. Anyway, the DEARMAN worked. I felt better about saying something, improved my confidence and he accepted what I said. Getting him to do what we agreed took awhile. I love DEARMAN.

I used to think he was lazy but now I understand he just can’t see the mess. His head is too full of thoughts. He moved out 14 months ago and I’ve been in his room twice. Things have really improved since I started to treat him as an adult and using the skills taught here. He’s 28 now so I just wanted you to know that things can get better. Does he keep a tidy clean space? No! But he’s functioning and he washes his bedding. His choice.

I got myself a three point priority plan. It helped me stay focussed on what was essential and to pick my battles.

I’m not sure how I’d cope with the mess in my shared areas like you’re experiencing - it’d drive me nuts too. But my aim was to get him to manage his finances and then move out and learn how to live independently.

Let us know how you get on with the new technique!

LP