Finances and personal relationships

[Lollypop]

Hi

I thought it worth posting up a conversation I had with son 28 yesterday.

Just to give some background. Son had poor financial management skills and has a stream of old bad debts. He works and had a series of banger cars to get him to work. There was always a crisis when the car broke down and he’d have to sort out replacing it, causing inconvenience and paperwork plus finding the money. As he was succeeding in paying his rent, buying equipment and managing for 12 months we offered him a loan to buy a decent reliable car. He couldn’t get credit for a loan. We agreed he’d pay us back at the beginning of each month and he said £150 per month. This is easily affordable for him as he’s earning ok money. This is the first time we’ve allowed finances to enter into our relationship since finding this forum.

He asked if I’d help him do his tax on the computer and that went really well over the holidays.

Xmas he didn’t work for 2 weeks so didn’t get paid. He’s got a tax bill and car tax due at the end of jan. He also needs new work expensive climbing trousers for work. Things are tight. He asked if he could pay us 2 weeks late. I noticed he didn’t work Thursday and Friday and wondered if he was sick.

What is clear is that if everything is going ok then he can cope with the payment to us. When he’s struggling to manage his cash flow he becomes stressed. This is where I need to use my skills. The conversation is charged and he’s on the defensive at first and then on the attack.

I called to see how he was and make a general enquiry if he was on track to pay his bills. I wanted to reassure him that the important thing was to just “chip away” at the car debt and if he couldn’t make the full payment it’d be ok.

Mistake number 1. I should have just checked on his welfare. I should leave him to solve his own problems. He’s buying skunk and cbd oil and if he can afford that then he should pay his debts. Why should we be any lower priority? See how the thinking can soon become resentful in my part? .

He was ok while I asked about himself.

I asked about his finances. It was done  lightly and lovingly,

He got stuttering and agitated. He got defensive then on attack.

 “why are you calling me early? I told you I’d pay you in 2 weeks and that’s what I’m going to do? It went on longer than this!

I tried to recover the situation and explained that I wasn’t calling to chase him for the money. Mistake 2. I mixed one conversation about two issues. Was he sick? Was his money ok? I’m sorry I ever called!

I managed to get him to understand. We left the conversation ok with one another I think.

Having financial obligation in a personal relationship is a real challenge and best avoided.  If I could turn the clock back, I maybe would not have given him a loan. My reasoning was that if he got used to the extra monthly payment then he’d get used to paying out a regular monthly outgoing equivalent to a rent in his own place. He has a room currently and a landlady.

Balancing “help” and “support” is difficult to judge.
I didn’t stay focussed on my pain priority (this is a typo but I like it!) our relationship FIRST
We took a risk introducing financial obligation into it. .
We’ve got this for three years.
These are consequences!

In reality, what’s happened? Son28 told us he’d be 2 weeks late in paying. I know he’ll pay us back. I know we’ll be ok and there will be obstacles. Ive over reacted and got involved.

I just need to keep things in perspective. It’ll be ok but I just wished I’d used more wisemind at the time.

Introducing any form of bartering (chores as a contribution to the house) or finances (paying them or loaning then, even giving them money) into a BPD relationship just confuses them and us. It’s best to not to enter this territory.

What’s best is to let them lead their lives, while we walk beside them emotionally supporting them.

LP

Ps. Writing has made me realise how I use 1000’s of words that can be said in a few. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Lollypop,

Great reminder, thanks for sharing your experience!

My DD hates to borrow money from me and only does so in really dire circumstances and it's usually less than 20 bucks. She has always paid me back when she says she will. I've made the mistake of telling her, "I know money's tight right now, I can wait until next month for you to pay me back." She didn't take me up on the offer and I've never offered again. Whew!

What’s best is to let them lead their lives, while we walk beside them emotionally supporting them.

This is my goal as well. You've been doing a great job of it, hope you're not beating yourself up about this hiccup.

~ OH