S4 has begun biting his fingernails

[JNChell]

I hope that this post isn’t offensive to the members here that are struggling with much more than a nail biting toddler. I started to post this on the law board, but decided to bring it here to the trenches.

As we all have, I’ve done a fair amount of research on how S4 may be feeling from the fallout of his mom and I. A recurring theme is standing out. If he’s still having temper tantrums at his age it should be a concern. His mom minimizes my concerns and says I’m the problem. Yes, that plays in and causes me to doubt myself. My gut tells me that there is something at play here with S4. My T tells me that I should listen to my intuition, but I’ve read Senior Members here saying that intuition only goes so far, so I’d like to discuss this. It’s time to make a decision on whether or not I talk to a child psychologist. My sister, who is a seasoned psychologist, recommends it. My T, who a seasoned psychologist, recommends it. My best friend over the decades thinks that psychologists will find something wrong regardless, doesn’t really support ideas like this. He has a very solid foundation and support from a very healthy family base. I understand his thinking.

Ok. I’ll get to the meat and potatoes here. S4 has been exhibiting anxious traits. His mom minimizes my concerns and basically says that I’m the problem. I don’t think that I am, but for some reason I still hold stock in her opinions of me. He’s begun biting his nails. His right index finger is chewed raw below his cuticle. I was a nail biter as a kid. I remember my mom slapping my hands away from my mouth. Another thing that has changed is that he’s not happy to see me when I pick him up from daycare. He used to yell “daddy!” and come running. Now, for the last couple months, he tries to hide from me and cries when I get him. During his emotional state, he hugs me around my neck, but he says that he wants mommy. He settles right in once we get home. He seems comfortable and happy to be here.

He just got glasses and seems to be very self conscious of that. He won’t allow any pictures. If I compliment him on how he looks in them, he takes them off. I think that having glasses has changed his demeanor. He’s much more needy. I don’t know how to properly describe it, but it’s mostly in the way that he talks. Maybe he’s simply maturing in his own way, but there has been a change. These things combined have me worried.

Am I overreacting, or are my feelings valid? He has an aggressive side. He will, at times, clench his fists and growl. He does, on occasion, punch the cabinets. He’s only 4. Why is he doing these things? Will it pass, or is intervention needed?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi JNChell,

I'm not offended at all that you're coming here to get support with your little one. He, and you, have been through a lot with his mom, the break-up, etc. I'm sorry your ex is minimizing your concern and telling you that you're the problem. It must be so very difficult to co-parent with someone who behaves this way. I know, from reading your posts, that you care deeply for your son and are doing your very best to raise him with love and care.

Your feelings are valid, JNChell, concern for your son's behavior is natural. We want our children to feel loved, supported, cared for, and when we see behaviors that concern us, it's not overreacting to seek out ways to support them. The fact that your ex isn't concerned has you doubting yourself, that makes sense, but it's more likely than not that your take on this is more based in reality than her's.

My situation is a bit different than yours, my DD25 and GS4 live with me so I do co-parent, but my ability to do so is limited by my standing as grandma. DD is not likely to take him to a psychologist and I don't have the legal right.

I've talked to my T about ways to help GS learn some healthy coping skills when he's stressed. She recommended the book The Explosive Child, and explained that GS's behavior (temper tantrums, destruction of property, throwing things, punching and kicking), is likely due to a developmental delay in flexibility, problem-solving, and frustration tolerance. Makes sense to me seeing as his mom has difficulty in these areas as well!

I've just ordered the book from Amazon.

I also like the book, The Power of Validation in Children. I've been validating GS and it's made a difference.

I don't know if anything I've written is helpful, my heart goes out to you, JNChell, and to your son. I've heard it said here many times, even just one validating/caring adult in a child's life can make a difference. That's you. And me. We are learning together.

~ OH

[Only Human]

As for not being happy to see you when you pick him up from daycare, I remember those days with my own kids and it made me feel sad. I decided, and it was suggested to me, that seeing me meant the end of whatever good time they were having in that moment. Do you pick him up on days your ex drops him off? Perhaps he's a bit thrown off, thinking his mom was coming to get him? I'd be tempted to try some validation here, "You really really want your mommy right now, etc."

~ OH

[once removed]

i cant really imagine a lot wrong with the idea of professional help like a child psychologist. a lot of couples go to couples counseling when there arent obvious every day problems. they go to family planning before they have a kid to learn what to expect, what to do and what not to do, that sort of thing.

sure, there are psychologists that will pathologize or prescribe anything and everything. there are plenty that wont/dont.

nail biting, while pretty common, is an anxious habit. i like Only Human's suggestion of learning other coping techniques that can be taught. in addition to the book she suggested, a psychologist can help with this.

ive never bitten my nails, i skin pick instead when im bored or anxious. most of the time its harmless, sometimes ive made unsightly spots. there are better ways, and theyre good to know.

overreacting or time for an intervention? i think its just good to explore options and learn techniques.

[JNChell]

Thanks you guys. Honestly, I’m really scared of falling my Son. I’m pretty much on my own with him. His mom has a big family. It’s not a competition, but I feel like I’m up against a lot. I’m hyper sensitive as a parent. I know that that isn’t a good thing and I try to keep it in check. He and I are good, but I feel like I’m coming up short with him lately and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

[Turkish]

He needs to see a T. You can present it to his  mom something like getting to the root of his anxious behaviors.  If you're not approaching him correctly,  you want to also know how to do better.  My ex and I both took parenting classes for each kid for their age cohorts. There's no shame in this,  even if you go by yourself. 

Have you read The Power of Validation? How are you validating him?

[JNChell]

The Power of Validation is on my bookshelf. I’ve not yet read it. I agree that he needs to see a T. I think that his mom is close to being on board with it. It’s been a subject for some time now between us. I feel no shame in any of this. There is no shame in the wellness of my boy.