Help with coping after triggering my BPD ex who has cut me off

[j87]

Hi, I’m in need of some serious advice for dealing with a failed relationship.

I was in a 5 month relationship with an undiagnosed BPD partner. It was failing and there were breakups but wi stil struggled to stay in contact and I wanted to mend it.

What happened yesterday changes everything for the worst. I triggered her so horribly that she now views me as a stranger and wants no contact.It may sound frivolous but what happened was I accidentally disabled my instagram account for a few hours, and her phone wasn’t working, so she posted to contact her through that for the day. She must have thought I blocked her and she had no means to contact me. I think she had a major episode of feeling abandoned  and flipped a switch, erasing all her feelings for me. Instagram is a big tool for validation for her and remembering all those that care for her. I called her that night, she was emotionless and indifferent towards me, like I was a stranger. She said she didn’t want to remain friends, had no love for me, and that I should leave her alone. I feel so ashamed because I believe she didn’t want to let go of me, wanted to trust me, but in her mind I betrayed her.

I’m feeling lost, so much anxiety, pain, regret. I can’t stop thinking of her pain and how she feels abandoed yet again.

I want make amends in a few days and say I was sorry if that hurt her. Is this a good idea? I’m am mourning the loss and don’t expect us to reuunite.

How can I help this situation? How can I cope with this? Our relationship was so rocky towards the end. Two months of being broken up  but trying to stay close. I’m so ashamed I hurt the one I’ve loved the most in my life. Months from now I’ll run into her and I will be nothing to her. This has been the most painful relationship and experience of my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

did she know your instagram was disabled?

can you tell us more about how the phone conversation went? what was said by you and by her?

[j87]

I don’t think she knew it was disabled at the time, but I am still following her now. I guess I should have told her that, but I couldn’t tell if that was it while speaking to her. I still feel like clarifying it to her, but the emotional damage is done. I think experiencing the imagined rejection pushed her over the edge.

We spoke three times on the phone, which I initiated. At first I was just  trying to catch up, but she sounded like I was a just an acquaintance. She had no empathy or care in her voice, she sounded like a different person. . I called again and asked her what she was feeling, what was going on between us. She said she didn’t want to continue to talk or see me.  I offered my friendship in the future and she said I don’t know, we were never friends. I told her I’d accept whatever would make her happy. The last call I made was basically to express my emotions. I told her I’d always love her and be there for her. She said she had love for me like anyone else in the world, not a special love. That I should find someone else to talk to about my feelings. That I should leave her alone. It was like speaking to her as if she had never known me. Like she had deleted her feelings for me entirely. She sounded like an adult speaking to a child they had no connection to.

I’m worried for her. Maybe it will be healthy for her to do this. I guess it is her only way of coping. Or maybe she has put herself in a really frightening place. I have no way of knowing she is okay. I feel really ashamed. I did the one thing I never santed to do.I feel like this has entered a stage of permanently being devalued. And my image cannot be redeemed.

I want to contact her at least to apologize and clarify and let her know that I want her happiness above all else. But I don’t know how she would respond. It could make things even worse...

I guess I’m having trouble  facing that this is the state of things She has cut friends off in the past for years. Always blaming them. I don’t understand how someone who she cares for so much can become a zero at the drop of a hat. Maybe all I can do is accept that this happened and  that right now we aren’t the right people for eachother.

[Hopefulgirl]

I was in a similar situation while back with my ex. We were at a stage where we were trying to be friends, but I was still in love. I slighted him somewhat, really not a slight but more like I did not comment on something he said and he took it to mean that I thought he was lying.  Something so nothing I can't remember what I said. I apologized profusely and immediately and after groveling via text for an hour I was still painted black and had the coldest things said. Made to believe I would never be spoken to again.

I decided to let him be and just not contact him. After a week of me in utter anguish, crying myself to sleep basically, feeling like I was the person he trusted emotionally the most of his life and I had somehow betrayed that, I finally called him. He sounded cheery. Sounded like he didn't know what I was so anguished about. I think he was just waiting for me to call.

A friend of his used to tell me that he would do the same thing to him. He would say, " I think he's just testing me". He would tell him that their friendship was over that he didn't give a s*** about him Etc and then he just wait for him to call him back or text him. The friend got tired of the Mind Game.

I don't know, everyone's different, but there's a chance that she's just testing you to see what your reaction is going to be when she says she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. She wants to see if you believe her. She wants for you to grovel because that's the only way she'll know that you really care.

From what I've read people can be in situations like this with a person with BPD over and over again dozens of times. It's exhausting. The important thing is that you didn't mean to slight her, and if she was an adult of a healthy mind she would understand that and everything will be fine. But she isn't. It's not your fault. And to be made to feel punished like this is totally unfair to you. If she has BPD, she won't understand this.

[once removed]

do you think the two of you might want different things when it comes to what the relationship looks like presently?

[j87]

Yes, its quite obvious we do. But I think she devalued me permanently so to speak. She blocked my number and isntagram account last night, a first. I thought I wrote something nice but I guess she really needed space. I don’t think she will speak to me again. From what I know, she hasn’t blocked any other exes. I think this relationship really brought out some core wounds for her, but maybe all of her longer ones have. I doubt she would return for something like that and a friendship is probably off the table. I would honestly prefer to have space for a while a try a friendship in a few months. I’ve suffered too much trauma so far so I would want to be careful about entering a relationship again without the proper coping skills. But any sort of communication seems improbable right now.

I’m feeling better, trying to focus on myself. I made  my insta account private for most of the day, I should’nt have since that is just reacting and playing along with the game, but its public now again. I think thats my only tool to show that I’m living a happy life still. Which is a pretty limited means. I’m starting to accept that this person may never return in my life, and I may just be the source of blame for a long time to come. I’m trying to make the most of it and accept that this at least creates a growing experience.

I wonder if she will ever get back in touch. I really wonder how long a grudge can be held. I think it may take her years to get over this. I think she maybe just turn her friends on me in order to reduce the guilt of such a destructive past week. I’ve read that people can look back on memories and distort it into something negative if that’s how they view that person at the time. Its pretty sad all in all...

[once removed]

she might be the type that prefers not to be friends with an ex. a lot of people are that way, sometimes to an extreme point. a lot of the time, it just works out that way. and sometimes, eventually a friendship forms, usually after a period of space and healing.

i dated a gal i was friends with for a while first. it ended really badly, and we were essentially enemies for a long time. years later, after the ice thawed, we are pretty good friends that catch up every couple of months, though we arent close. exes rarely are as friends.

I wonder if she will ever get back in touch.

you never know. she might feel badly about how things went down. that can propel a person to get in touch.