I'm done being disrespected

[shikai]

For whatever reason, I have tolerated disrespect for far too long. I'm so done.

Now, how do I stick with this decision and take the next steps?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

tell us more about whats going on. what kind of disrespect? how is it playing out?

[shikai]

My significant other called me repulsive and said they never want to sleep with me again.

I'm tired of forgiving the bad behavior. I forgive and forget ... .until the next time. There is always a next time.

I don't deserve this.

[shikai]

Sorry - I posted on the wrong  board. I'm done trying to better this train wreck of a relationship.

[once removed]

i moved it here. Detaching is a board for members that are out of the relationship for a month or more, and working the stages of grief.

in reading your history, you have been struggling in similar ways for a number of years. very occasionally, you come to vent and say that youre done.

stay or go... .lets work to get on steady ground. to do that, id encourage you to post in an ongoing manner about your situation, either trying to improve things, or exiting. we can help you in either path.

whats the context of her calling you repulsive and saying she doesnt want to sleep with you ever again? what led up to it?

[shikai]

Yes, I've been struggling with this decision for years. It makes me feel pathetic. If only I had left the first time I that I really knew I should.

I've been in counseling for quite a while now and feel I have made a lot of progress. I have started to identify what I want and need in life, and I'm getting less afraid to say it. I'm even starting to believe that I deserve it. This has helped me to do things that make me feel much more comfortable in my home. My home! It finally feels like it's my home! That's a huge leap forward. For years, I felt like an unwanted house guest. I had a list of rules a mile long such as checking in with her before bringing anything into the house. I'm glad I am beyond that at least.

My spouse has been in counseling also, and the last few months have been really quite amazing. She's been level-headed and agreeable. I started bringing stuff into the house like crazy - almost like I was testing out the new situation. I showed her a photo of a sofa I wanted, and she said, "buy it!" and helped me move it in. I bought a new table without checking with her first and she said, "good find." I bought a Christmas tree. She freaked out at first but quickly recovered. She plugged in the lights every evening. I even set out pictures of my adult kids, always a source of contention, but she didn't say a word. I had four family events over the holidays and she didn't ruin any of them. I was finally feeling some security and I began to think we could have a real future together.

So anyway, we haven't slept together for over a year - ever since a particularly bad episode in which she threatened to call the police and report that I raped her. I really thought she would do it, too. I was terrified because I didn't know how I would defend myself. We live in a very homophobic place and I'm sure the judge would love nothing more than to take the opportunity to teach me a lesson. It was terrifying and traumatic. I told my wife I won't be intimate with her again until we talk about it in therapy and I feel certain that it won't happen again. She has refused to talk about it in therapy, so I have refused to be intimate.

The other night she brought it up again and asked if I was attracted to her. I told her I was and said that I hoped we could work it out. I restated my position that it was something we would have to discuss in therapy. She said we could talk through it on our own. I told her that wouldn't work for me. I explained to her in detail just how traumatic it was and said I wasn't going to ever be in that position again. She left the room for a few minutes, then came back in a rage. She yelled and screamed and said I am repulsive and that she will never, ever sleep with me. And with that, my hope (illusion?) of a normal, happy future was shattered.

I recently had a mandatory training at work about reporting domestic issues we become aware of in our student population, such as threats and violence. It was eye-opening. Several of the scenarios they discussed were very familiar to me. People asked incredulously why anyone would stay in those terrible situations. It felt humiliating to sit there knowing that I was one of those idiots. I feel so ashamed of myself for what I have tolerated. I don't want to tolerate it anymore. I don't trust myself to do the right thing and end the relationship, but that is what I want to do... .at least until she starts saying all the right things to manipulate me into staying. Why do I allow myself to be manipulated? I know there is no chance of a normal future. And no amount of good behavior erases the trauma of the past, and I can't seem to let it go.

She has now apologized and seems very sincerely sorry. There's a piece of me that asks if I'm being too harsh. Shouldn't I accept her apology and give her another chance? After all, I make mistakes too. No one is perfect. I can see that she's been working hard and improving. We could have a good life together. But then something inside of me screams, "DON'T DO IT! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!"

[once removed]

I told her I was and said that I hoped we could work it out. I restated my position that it was something we would have to discuss in therapy. She said we could talk through it on our own.

what is her position on this exactly? has she explained the incident? apologized?