Enablers in the family

[StepMonster]

I know there are a million stories about people having to cut themselves off from a BPD individual, but I'm afraid we're going to have to cut our BPD off from a family member who undermines our attempts to help DD-15.

Her grandmother (my DH's ex's mom) loves being grandma to the rescue every time DD is being punished for bad behavior. We've learned to choose our battles, but when she got her nose pierced after we forbade it and then lied to us about it (it's magnetic) for a week we cut off her allowance. So she just calls and whines to grandma and money magically appears. She refuses to shop with us or tell us what she'd like us to buy for her at the grocery, so she can demand a special trip with dad on the grounds that she doesn't have any food in the house (she's a piscatarian/vegetarian). Part of our program is not giving in when she paints herself into a corner like that. There is always food in the house she can eat. Just not always what she wants. When dad refuses, she whines at Grandma and Grandma takes her shopping (and probably tells people that we aren't feeding her). 

We've tried talking to her. I hate to feed DD's feelings of abandonment by cutting her off from Grandma, but I don't know how else to make punishments stick. DD needs to experience the consequences of her behavior now, before they are things like jail. I know Grandma isn't going to want to have to go down and bail her out.

Wicked Stepmonster

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi StepMonster,

I remember your posts from late last year, it's good to hear from you again. Has your SD taken to therapy?

I feel for you, dealing with an uncooperative family member, I've been there as well. I canceled my DD's phone when she was 18 after she posted my personal business on facebook in a rage and she wouldn't remove it when I asked her to. Her father hooked her up the next day with a phone. So yeah, I've been there.

I'd be worried that cutting grandma out may create more problems than you're trying to prevent. It could make you the common enemy, not a place I'd want to be and not healthy for your SD. Any chance you could have a talk with grandma, get her on your team?

Last year you posted that you realized the normal parenting tools weren't effective and that you'd begun using some of the new tools. Which tools have you found most useful?

~ OH