How to be nice when they are so mean

[Granite Chief]

I am having a hard time being nice and accepting all the time. I snap and can't take it after a while.

Why are they so mean? What tools do you use to detach your feelings from the way they treat you?

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[once removed]

can you give us examples of how your partner is mean?

[Vexed]

I used to reply to meanness with "I love you you" and a smile.  Or "you're so sexy when you're angry".  If I thought I could get away with it, I'd pinch her butt (which backfired a lot, but I got better at judging if the time was right).  

Basically at some point staying in a rs with a BPD you are excepting that this is her personality and you might as well like it.  So that's one of the ways I attempted to deal with it.  And it actually worked some times, or at least momentarily quite often.  Fast forward 3-4 hours later and if she was still determined to ruin my day I'd eventually cave in and get upset.

[Granite Chief]

Okay, We sounds like twins . Thank you! It is good to hear that I am not alone.

[Omega1]

Me too - but I don't know the answer.  I keep reading that it takes such a strong person to put up with it... .

The one thing I don't do is retaliate or be mean back - I totally bite my tongue.
I don't find joking works, because I realize the mean-ness is coming from something that happened, five minutes ago or an hour ago.  She is bruised from something I said or did and it's making her mean.  So - joking about it doesn't help, at least for me.

I let it pass - and I wait until she's not in that 'state' of being irrational and mean.  Later, when the time is right, I raise it and I tell her what she said and how it made me feel.  I'm not looking for an apology or explanation, just awareness.

Last night, for the first time, when I tried this, she came over to me and sat with me and was clearly regretful and empathetic.  She admitted she flew off the handle and she explained what upset her.  She doesn't realize she's continuing to be mean long after... .
For now, just pointing it out later, and talking about my feelings and not blaming her - seems to help.

Like you - I really can't stand by and just take it.  It makes me feel like a total doormat.