Bullying and threats

[AskingWhy]

My uBPD H splits me black while his adult children from his first marriage white.  

He is quick to criticize me for the smallest things (dinner not to his liking) while overlooking any degree of short comings in his adult children: drug and alcohol addictions, perpetrating of workplace bullying, expulsion from the military, promiscuity, etc.  (All of his children appear to be in NPD and BPD spectrums.)

He seems to regard his children as "safe havens" when he is angry with me and he makes them their confidants.  He will rage at me (poor house cleaning, not doing what he wants to do, etc.)  For the record, I have a medical disability.  The many years of rages and name calling have caused me to be depressed, so I have very little motivation to do much of anything.

This afternoon, he raged at me and essentially told me what a useless person I was (to him, at least) and inferred his desire to divorce me.   He then left in his sports car and left the house.  He is likely going to drop in on his D who works in a restaurant.  He will sit in her section and be served by her, enjoying the small minutes of small talk as she takes his order and brings it to his table.  The rest of the hour he will gaze at her from afar and derive some sort of comfort from this.

As we know, pwBPD have object relations issues.  In other words, it's out of sight, out of mind--just like a small infant.  That may account for why my H has twelve photos in his home office, and only one of them is me.  (The other eleven are of his children.)  H has to have pictures of his children to remind him that his grown children are real and exist on some plane away from his direct line of sight.

Like others, my ability to SET is getting thinner and thinner, and I often tell myself, "I don't deserve this at all. I don't need to be my H's punching bag, and being the last priority in my H's affections."  This is a far cry from where I was years ago, when H's rages and character assassination and threats would bring me to tears.

I am working on my own interests and worrying less what H says to me or his demands of me.  I am seeing myself working my way out of depression.

I am getting stonger, by small degrees, each day.  One day I will be able to file for divorce, or successfully navigate one in the event he files first.  (NB:  I have a copy of Bill Eddy's, "Splitting.")

[Cat Familiar]

As you work your way out of depression, what are the strategies that have helped keep you from taking your husband’s criticism personally?

[Notwendy]

Parents with PD's tend to see their children as extensions of themselves. Since he isn't self critical, he also isn't likely to be critical of his children. When he paints them white, he is in a sense, boosting up himself.

I don't see this likely to change. It's upsetting but is there any way you can not allow it to bother you as much?

[Lucky Jim]

I often tell myself, "I don't deserve this at all. I don't need to be my H's punching bag, and being the last priority in my H's affections."

Hey AW, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  No, you don't deserve to be your H's punching bag, or his doormat.  No one does.  Bullying and threats imply to me that he is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to control you.  Your task, I suggest, is to recognize when you are being manipulated and then decline to participate.

  Let me ask you what might be tough questions: What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?

LuckyJim

[AskingWhy]

Hey AW, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  No, you don't deserve to be your H's punching bag, or his doormat.  No one does.  Bullying and threats imply to me that he is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to control you.  Your task, I suggest, is to recognize when you are being manipulated and then decline to participate.

  Let me ask you what might be tough questions: What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings about your marriage?

LuckyJim

I have finally reached the point where I consider myself emotionally single but married. I go through all the motions of being married but but my heart is not in it.  Even intimacy is a chore with me checking my watch to see when it will be over.  Just like making dinner or meals.  I can deal with this now because I am disengaged.  If he wants a divorce and wants to really go through with it, I am fine with that.  I know H is just a child in the body of a very unhappy middle aged man.  He has a problem with trust and reality.  He wants what he wants, and d*mn what his wife wants, and he wants it now.  I have now strategies on how to navigate the dysregulations and it help him calm down because I don't give him the drama he craves. I am calm and collected and deprive his of ammunition to use against me.  I am more at peace than I have been for more than 10 years.  It's a huge step forward.   I am happier with myself.  It's a great feeling.    

[Lucky Jim]

Glad to hear, AW, that you are OK with where you are.  Like you, I practiced disengagement and refused to participate in the drama.  I reached a point where I declined to share my feelings for fear that they would be used against me.  I decided the best course was to stay above the fray, to the extent possible.  Towards the end, it wasn't much of a marriage.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

I am more at peace than I have been for more than 10 years.  It's a huge step forward.   I am happier with myself.  It's a great feeling.    

That's awesome, AskingWhy