Shield vs Walls

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So Friday night I go out and I’m in my car dropping off a friend on my way home. His wife and daughter have BPD and we have been discussing BPD for several years now as we’ve both progressed on our learning journeys. I recount recent events, where my wife and I had a ‘chat’ about the D and she says that she’s ‘stuck’. She can’t go forwards as her life will suck, she can’t go back to being my W as that will suck and she can’t stay living with me as that sucks. He pointed out the positives of that vs where I have come from but then said... .

“How do you stop yourself being hurt? How do you stop building walls?”

I said “I don’t build walls, I have a shield”

Him “yes, walls! Emotional walls”

Me “no, a shield... .there’s a difference, walls are permanent, they are meant to stay, to be impenetrable, they stop you from being vulnerable... .a shield is designed to be raised when you need protection and lowered when you don’t and you need to walk. You cannot have a relationship with someone without being vulnerable, however I cannot have a relationship with my W because at times she hurts me. I need the ability to flip up and down the protection such that I can be vulnerable when it’s safe and shelter when it’s not.”

I kinda like how I thought and thought it might make a good discussion point. Especially around how one achieves that shield whilst maintaining vulnerability behind it. I see knowledge and understanding as my shield.

Enabler

[Enabler]

So Friday night I go out and I’m in my car dropping off a friend on my way home. His wife and daughter have BPD and we have been discussing BPD for several years now as we’ve both progressed on our learning journeys. I recount recent events, where my wife and I had a ‘chat’ about the D and she says that she’s ‘stuck’. She can’t go forwards as her life will suck, she can’t go back to being my W as that will suck and she can’t stay living with me as that sucks. He pointed out the positives of that vs where I have come from but then said... .

“How do you stop yourself being hurt? How do you stop building walls?”

I said “I don’t build walls, I have a shield”

Him “yes, walls! Emotional walls”

Me “no, a shield... .there’s a difference, walls are permanent, they are meant to stay, to be impenetrable, they stop you from being vulnerable... .a shield is designed to be raised when you need protection and lowered when you don’t and you need to walk. You cannot have a relationship with someone without being vulnerable, however I cannot have a relationship with my W because at times she hurts me. I need the ability to flip up and down the protection such that I can be vulnerable when it’s safe and shelter when it’s not.”

I kinda like how I thought and thought it might make a good discussion point. Especially around how one achieves that shield whilst maintaining vulnerability behind it. I see knowledge and understanding as my shield.

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

I like the Aikido metaphor of “stepping aside” rather than using tangible objects such as a wall or a shield.

From Aikido master, George Leonard:
“To step aside when it comes down on you, you'll need to be clear and present, to have no regrets or other considerations.”

[Enabler]

Hey Cat,

Stepping aside is fine when a "thing" is being thrown in your direction which has nothing to do with you. But what about "You are abusive to me and the kids", how does one step aside from that?

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

I agree, it's hard when unkind accusations are thrown our way. However, if we don't believe those accusations to be true, we can step aside and ask questions.

"In what way do you feel that I've been abusive?" "Can you tell me what behaviors I've done that seem abusive?" "What does being 'abusive' mean to you?" "Would you tell me in the future if I'm doing something you consider abusive?"

If you can keep the conversation emotionally level and she's willing to answer your questions, I think it's possible to unravel overgeneralizations such as this one.

I'm not saying it's easy, but one has to "step aside" from the knee-jerk internal response of being hurt and offended, and that gives us other strategies to respond.

[Enabler]

I'm a big fan of the "oh" (Surprised voice) which I supposed is the equivalent to a side step out the way "What is that flying at me and now landing on the floor?".

"This is news to me!" <perplexed look>

[formflier]

I'm a big fan of the "oh" (Surprised voice)

"oh my" is what I tend to use...   Really the same thing.  Every once in a while I use "oh my goodness" or "goodness mercy"... .  Just to keep things from getting stale.

FF

[Enabler]

Is the surprised nature of “oh wow” etc invalidating? Does it say “oh my word, I can’t believe you think that about me, you must be mental, you must be wrong?”.

[formflier]

Is the surprised nature of “oh wow” etc invalidating? Does it say “oh my word, I can’t believe you think that about me, you must be mental, you must be wrong?”.

So... .there are times I actually say... ."Oh my goodness, I can't imagine where this comes from since you know xyz"  (xyz can be "we are not mind readers, we assume the best about people)... etc etc.

That way... .it puts them in the position of claiming "maybe "we" can't read minds but I can... "

Then... .sit there with slightly raised eyebrows as they explain their special powers.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Is the surprised nature of “oh wow” etc invalidating? Does it say “oh my word, I can’t believe you think that about me, you must be mental, you must be wrong?”.

I think it possibly can be invalidating, if not followed up with more, but you know your pwBPD best.

I like questions, if they're not too intrusive. They show that we're interested in what they think and feel. And when given a chance to express themselves, they can possibly come to their own understanding of how they've overgeneralized, used black and white thinking, applied different criteria to themselves, etc.

I had a recent exchange that ended with my husband saying, "I guess I'm too sensitive sometimes."

That would never have happened had I not asked for more information about what he was feeling criticized about.

Now, an important thing to remember is to NEVER ask for more info if you are likely to get triggered. Only do this when you feel emotionally balanced.

If you get triggered, then it will confirm to them that you are not trustworthy with their sensitive information about their thoughts and feelings. And you'll make things worse in the long run.

But if you can do this and truly hear them out, and it's likely they'll say some unfortunate things that can get under your skin, but if you remain centered, then you will build trust.

[Enabler]

But if you can do this and truly hear them out, and it's likely they'll say some unfortunate things that can get under your skin, but if you remain centered, then you will build trust.

It’s that point of not letting what they say get under your skin... .that’s the point of the shield or wall. If I desired to exit the relationship nd not make any attempt to salvage it I’d build a giant wall even Mr Trump would envy... .but one can’t have a relationship without some element of vulnerability.

An example of a wall could be “you’re totally mental, everything you say is delusional and whenever you say anything I shall internally laugh in your face then disregard anything you said as complete tosh.”

An example of a shield would be “I know that some of the stuff you say comes from a place I don’t understand based on things unassociated with me or the thing you are describing. I understand that you choose to lie to me to protect yourself from feelings you can’t handle. I’m choosing to be here knowing you are you, knowing this is how you process experiences. I know some things I have chosen to tolerate and some things I cannot, what is happening now?  Can I help? Should I help? Do I need to internalise this at all?”

Enabler

[radoe]

I hand it off to God and the army of tired angles that watch over us all.

Very much like stepping aside.

Do not accept statement or passive aggressive actions that are not true.

by stepping aside and handing it off we are dealing with it on some level so that resentment is less likely to occur.

Good luck

[Cat Familiar]

I totally agree, Enabler and Fatherpeace

Whatever strategy you can utilize to remain calm and centered is going to provide good dividends.