Need advice about apartment search

[FaithHopeLove]

Our DS24xBPD needs to be out of his apartment by Feb 28 when his lease expires. Moving back in with us is not an option. He sells weed illegally and even if he didn't the drama is too much. He has been looking for apartments but has not found one yet. My husband is helping him look and will be co-signing the lease since DS's income is "off the books." There are plenty of apartments available in our area but DS is not in a good frame of mind lately which makes it difficult. I guess the question is how to help him without over-helping and enabling him. I guess the other question is how do I deal with my own fears and anxieties about where he will live, will he move out in time etc? Thanks in advance. This is a great group

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi FHLKC,

It's great you are so firm with your boundary of your DS not moving in with you, and that you and H are supporting him in finding a new place, checking out leads with him, etc. You say your DS is not in a good frame of mind lately, making things difficult. In what ways is he making things difficult?

You ask some great questions:

How to help without enabling?

The basic "rule," if you will, is to not do something for someone that they can do for themselves. Is your son capable of initiating a trip with H to look at apartments? I'm guessing he is and so being supportive would be to let him know the dates/times he (H) is available for this activity. Enabling would be, "I've made an appointment with the property manager at xxx apartments on Saturday at 3pm."

FeelingBetter has created a thread about letting go - lots of input you may find enlightening, and I encourage you to make a post of your own. We are all learning together, as you know!

Here's a link:

How do you cope with letting go?

How to deal with your own fears and anxieties?

I really relate to fear and anxiety when it comes to something I believe my DD25 must do, but she's not doing. It's not been easy to step back and let her figure it out. This is when self-care is critical. Know that you are not responsible for the situation your DS has gotten himself into. The consequences of his action or inaction will be his to deal with and your role is to be supportive, "Oh dear, you haven't found a place yet and the sheriff is knocking on your door to remove you? That's gotta suck, I'd be panicking also!"

As I said, I struggle with this stuff as well, FHLKC, perhaps others will chime in.

Hang in there! 

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi there.  I think I would be feeling anxious too!  The thing that comes to mind in terms of helping yourself is to keep reminding yourself that  fixing this for him will not help long term for either of you.  I wish I had some happy words to offer you or at least ones that sound more upbeat!  Sometimes I find sticking to the facts is what helps me the most. 

I really like the line suggested by Only Human:

"Oh dear, you haven't found a place yet and the sheriff is knocking on your door to remove you? That's gotta suck, I'd be panicking also!"

Do you think this would work for you?  I also find being prepared with some things to say helped me a lot. 

Can you think of other things you could possibly say to your son?

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you all for the advise. When I say my son is not in a good place right now I mean his thinking is scattered so he needs a little help planning and prioritizing. My husband is doing that by helping with the apartment search. If it gets to the point that he doesn't find a place and the Marshall is knocking on his door I will "detach with love" as they say in alanon but I don't think it will come to that. He always figures something out at the last minute.

[Only Human]

He always figures something out at the last minute.

That's great, FHLKC. He's resourceful, my DD is as well. I hope it brings you some comfort, some respite from some part of the worry you feel.

I know things are very unsettled for you all right now but I'm wondering - are you making time for doing things you enjoy? You're doing such a great job supporting your DS and I hope you're able to get some fun, or a nap, or a movie, in 

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

OH yes I am making lots of time for myself. I am very intentional about it. The problem is all the self care in the world doesn't end my anxiety.
 

[Lollypop]

Hi FHL

I remember being so fearful and we lost many nights of sleep between us. When I started to read about BPD and test out my new skills it helped me immensely. I became so aware of how my husband and I would feed each other’s anxieties. I reached the point when I could confidently say, please stop as I can’t listen to your fears or deal with your emotions... When I got stronger I could validate him and also myself. I’ve noticed when one of us is up or down, the other can help balance the other. Does this make sense?

We have no control over the future, it is not known. Worrying about what might happen is useless energy - energy that we need to use to stay in the present. I know these are just words, your fears are genuine and, given recent event, your son’s choices put him in danger. I understand your fear, my biggest fear is suicide. I don’t want to live my life in fear - so I choose not to. I’m intentioned and won’t be a victim to his choices.

I’m glad you’re taking good care of yourself. We have to put ourselves first. Focussing on our own happiness is a choice.

The alternative is not sustainable, we become unhappy and it starts to affect our health. We’re responsible for our own life only.

Hugs

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks LP
I can relate to what you say about you and your husband feeding off each other's fears. I am really trying to stay in the moment but I still can't wait for this whole mess to be behind us.

[Lollypop]

Hi again

I bet you are. My heart goes out to you... We’re always trying to reach that next step. I get so mad sometimes - if there’s an easy way that requires initial effort or the hard way that means a last minute panic because he’s resisted and procrastinated - I just know son28 always takes the harder way for himself. It’s like there’s no forward thinking. It drives me nuts. But your son has good business skills and therefore planning skills. A blessing to be sure. He’s lucky to have you both.

LP .

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks LP. As of today DS shows no interest in looking for apartments. I guess he is choosing to have the experience of living in a hotel again. We will not be storing his stuff in our house so I guess it will all go in a storage facility. His choice. His path. I am working really hard on detaching with love as they say in AlAnon.

[Only Human]

His choice. His path. I am working really hard on detaching with love as they say in AlAnon.

It's not easy, and I'm glad you have the support of AlAnon to help guide the way.

Hang in there FHLKC

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

So here is where things stand now. Our DS is really in bad shape following the two gunpoint robberies that happened. He acknowledges that he really needs to find an apartment ASAP and he has made some efforts to do so. But my husband and I don't think he is really able to do this on his own. So my husband has agreed that he will look at apartments and if he finds one that seems right for DS he will show it to him. Is this enabling or helping? It can be hard to know but I think it is legit help. On another note, DS spent the night here last night. We are OK with him visiting us and OCCASIONAL overnights as in once a week. We have agreed to communicate this boundary to him. We appreciate the fact that he needs to be with us sometimes but we don't want him to get TOO comfy in our basement.  It seems every day we have to recalibrate our boundaries and the line between helping and enabling. It is not an exact science and I am sure we don't do it perfectly but we are improving. On another note, I did an awesome job of validating DS this morning. He was saying that he is the victim of a "global conspiracy" and went on to describe kidnappings, drug cartels, people with money having all the power, modern day Hitlers etc." Sure some of that is paranoia but, honestly, he is not wrong. All those things do exist in the world. DS said he would not be happy until he could do "something big to change the world" I told him, as a long time social justice activist, I totally understand the feeling of seeing real evil in the world and wanting to change it and that I believe he will do great things in his lifetime.  But I also told him that none of us can change the world overnight and that I personally have realized that a lot of what I struggle for may not be realized in my life time. So us "change the world" people need to find ways of caring for ourselves. He got that and agreed! So I feel that was real validation and good communication.

[Only Human]

On another note, I did an awesome job of validating DS this morning. [... .]He got that and agreed! So I feel that was real validation and good communication.

That's great, FHLKC! It really seems like things are going well with communication between the two of you 

As for whether you're enabling or helping, you're right - it's sometimes hard to know. The general rule is, don't do something for someone that they can do for themselves. You say you and your H don't think your DS is able to do this on his own. Has your DS asked for help? Told you he's not able to do it? How did this plan come about that your H will take the lead on this?

Sorry for all the questions, it helps to talk it out - the line between helping and rescuing can be so thin 

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks OH. Yes our son did ask for help
 My husband has been the one helping with the apartment search all along

[FaithHopeLove]

Now I am second guessing myself again. Maybe we are enabling him. Maybe we should step back and let him figure this out on his own. I think I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. Sigh. It's not easy.

[Lollypop]

   no it isn’t. Enabling is still my biggest problem to work out. I can justify any action that I make because I want it - my brain leaps in!

I’m interested to hear what your therapist says. Well done yiu for thinking twice and reflecting.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

So today I found what I thought was a great apartment. DS looked at it but wasn't ready to commit. I think he wants a place with a balcony so he can smoke weed. He says he wants to look at a couple more places. At the moment I am like whatever. My husband and I can't care more about finding him an apartment than he does. What will be will be. My therapist appointment is in 2 hours. Time for self care.

[wendydarling]

I think he wants a place with a balcony so he can smoke weed. He says he wants to look at a couple more places

FHLKC, it may help to let him find his home to smoke, live, look at a couple more places. Have hope, he can find his way.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi FHLKC

My husband and I can't care more about finding him an apartment than he does

Oh boy, nail on the head. Cut through all that emotional stuff, the need to help and desire for a better situation for them.

This is a good reminder for me. It’s the truth. When I flounder emotionally it helps keep me rooted. This is exactly where I’m at for the moment - I need to return to truth. Progress has given me some sprinklings of false expectations.

Your son will find what feels comfortable for him. Of course I can feel and understand your urgency to get him settled. I’m trying to get us on the same song sheet too - wasted energy for me.

Hugs.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Guess what. Yesterday DS told us he changed his mind and DOES want the apartment. He and DH put in the application today. DS even wore a clean, pressed shirt to the real estate office. Hopefully the next step will be DS calling a moving company.

[wendydarling]

Yay. Faith

This is great news. For him to be settled and move forwards …...

WDx  :heart

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

 

I'm so happy for you all! I love that your DS arrived in a pressed shirt, best foot forward 

I'm sure you're very relieved, FHLKC, a big weight is lifted, yes?

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes. A big weight is lifted. My husband consigned a 2 year lease and told DS that by the time the lease runs out he must be ready to either renew it or move somewhere else on his own.

[Lollypop]

Wonderful news!