What is something another member said to you that you'll never forget?

[Only Human]

Hello Family! 

Like many of us, I came here in crisis - completely broken and looking for support. I thank my lucky stars every day that I found BPD Family. Unlike any other support forum I've ever known, BPD Family is an active, thriving community whose members learn and grow together. As I reflect on my time here, I believe I wouldn't have stuck around as long as I have if it wasn't for the sense of belonging I feel every day by being part of this community. You guys/gals GET me, you really get me. For that, I'm so grateful. 

I invite you all to share one or more things that another member has posted in a thread you started that really gave you that feeling that you're in the right place, or that stuck out to you. It's ok if you don't remember the exact quote, I know I don't.

I'll go first:

We are pushed beyond the normal limits of parenting.

This was so validating and made me feel very safe here, not judged.

The family will always be here to lift you up.

This brought me to tears. I believed it then, I believe it now.

Who wants to go next?  

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DharmaGate]

“none of this is intuitive” meaning parenting a child with BPD is different than parenting a child that does not have these symptoms.  Many things that might work with another child may not with a child with BPD.  

[Lollypop]

Great thread!


For every presented problem ask yourself “is this MY problem?” If no, gently place it in the lap of the person it belongs to.

Treat your son as the adult he is. Everything he should do for himself, he should do himself.

He resists growing up.


There’s so many. These are the first to come to mind.

[Only Human]

Thanks to both of you for sharing!

DG, I also remember hearing "none of this is intuitive," it was a great relief as I have very high expectations of myself as a parent. I always believed other parents sailed through difficulties.

LP - good stuff! And excellent reminders to us all. "He resists growing up." I can absolutely say this about DD25; it seems it's a running theme with these kids, bless them  

I thought of another:

I hope you're being as compassionate toward yourself as you are being toward your DD

Nope, I wasn't. It's difficult for me to cut myself any breaks. Hearing (reading?) this was very comforting to me. I am worthy of compassion. We all are  

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Great thread OH  

... .it helps to remember that progress is rarely linear boy did I need to hear this, it gave me great comfort, I hope for all reading this too.

WDx

[Lparent]

Something someone said to me really helped ... .my D keeps stating that her trauma that initiated her BPD (which is what most counselors ask about their trauma) is because of our divorce when she was seven.  Her dad was not around a lot after this (was more available to her brothers they were easier) and I did not listen enough.  So her projections are all on me at this point.

I was told that her own acute feelings can actually lead to trauma.  

THANK YOU for saying that.  I think this is a true possibility and one that at least I can hang on to

[Only Human]

Thanks for joining the thread, wendydarling and Lparent 

It's interesting to see what "hit home" for us. Though our struggles are similar we and our children are all unique.

WD, I'll admit I had to check my dictionary (google) for "linear." Here's the definition I got: progressing from one stage to another in a single series of steps; sequential. I like this - it's so true with my DD. A good reminder, thanks for sharing.

Lparent, Thanks for your post as well. It really helps me put my DD's memories into perspective. As I have learned here, for pwBPD, feelings=facts.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi

your son is outgrowing the child you raised

This was about my younger son at 15. He started kicking back a little and definitely was affected by having older BPD son living with us. His behaviours were erratic, he was so angry. I panicked a little,  thinking “oh no, not again”.

This short statement was validating and truthful. It brought me perspective and lessened my fears. Younger son is absolutely fine, a tad sensitive and a deep thinker - not BPD. My relationship with my younger has really improved as I’ve learnt better interaction skills here. I had to divert my attention awhile from myself to support him - having already left son28 to live his own life and make his own decisions.

They have to have control over their decisions and lives. But they need me to stand by their side openheartedly.

LP

[Only Human]

I love that, Lollypop. Yes, your son at 15 was outgrowing the child you raised, closer to an adult with adult responsibilities. You created an environment that allowed this growth. Splendid!

Thanks for sharing.

~ OH

[PeacefulMom]

I recall someone (was it you, OnlyHuman?) said that I need to work more on acceptance.

That made me think about what acceptance means for me, and I've been working on that!

What would we ever do with each other to turn to?

[Only Human]

Hi PeacefulMom

Thanks for joining this thread - it's great to hear from you!

Ahhh, acceptance. So important, isn't it? I have to remind myself daily (hourly sometimes) that I must accept what is.

I'm also glad we have each other to turn to, this place is my lifeline.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Daisy123]

Great post, OH!

Lolipop said,
“Light as a fairy”  This phrase runs through my head so very often. DD20 remains at home, lashing out here and there. I am attempting SET, sympathize, empathize and share truth. It’s more like validate, validate again and then share truth. But, what is different is me withholding a lecture on rudeness or on responsibility.  Keeping it light as a fairy- finding a variety of light topics to discuss is helping me focus on the relationship between loved one and me.

[Only Human]

Hi Daisy and thanks for joining this thread!

Yes, light as a fairy is an excellent approach - there's enough chaos going on in my DD's life, I need to be a soft place to land.

~ OH

[Only Human]

We've got you

You are not alone

Talking helps

Yes. Thanks again, everyone, for sharing and caring   

~ OH

[wendydarling]

OH, our Skipper said to me

Hang in there I knew exactly what he meant.

Amazing it can take less than 5 words to feel comfort of others!

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hey Daisy

Lolipop said,
“Light as a fairy”

And somebody said it to me!

Only I can’t temember who - so long ago.

LP

[smallbluething]

Today I read something Lollipop said. Wise words indeed and just what I needed to read right now:

I’m putting this in capitals so it stands out to anybody reading this. Because it’s so so important.

We have to teach our kids how to take care of themselves.

WE DO THIS BY TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES. They watch and learn how it’s done.

Focussing on them all the time, putting their problems above ours, doing for them what they should do themselves is not healthy - for both us and them. Stop doing it. 

[Only Human]

Thanks for joining the thread, smallbluething.

And thanks for posting Lollypop's wise words. They are timely for me as well 

~ OH

[Panshekay]

Forever Dad has great Quotes!

“It’s better for a child to come from a broken home than to live in one. “

Don’t quote me on the wording of this but something like...

“ Trust when the person shows you who they really are the very first time”

“It’s never over”

“Document, document, document, document. Do what you must to protect yourself”

“Once you leave (or they leave) never go back”

“Document, Document and Document even more”

[Gorges]

Huat once wrote something like,
"I go to other parties that life invites me to"
This makes me realize that I although I don't have the relationship with my daughter that I would have liked, there are other things that I can focus on, other relationships other things that bring me joy.

[Only Human]

Hi Panshekay!

Thanks for bringing in another perspective - I really like "It’s better for a child to come from a broken home than to live in one," and agree! My parents should have divorced long before they did; they waited until all kids were out of the house.

Gorges, thanks for sharing Huat's words - so very true that we will be helping ourselves if we focus on other joys in our lives! 

Thanks to everyone for sharing what has been helpful/memorable to you! 

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders