It's time - my first post, and if you can, help

[sixofus]

Hello!

I've been aware of BPD Family and BPD Central for almost three years now, but I feel it's time to finally reach out.

I just can't do it alone.

I was married to my ex-wife for almost 19 years.

We have six children together. 5 minors (ages 7-15), one adult age 20.

There is a 7th, whom I adopted since birth (hers with another man), 21, but right now we are estranged (and I believe it is because she, unfortunately, it is so clear, has BPD too).

To make a long story short my ex-wife has BPD and most definitely narcissism.

This truth came out about 3 years ago while most of the family was under the guidance of numerous professional psychologists, and basically just as the divorce started to unfold.

The diagnosis, however, remains unofficial and the chances of her ever coming to terms with it seem astronomically remote.

With the professional guidance I received,
with my voracious study of the subject from every angle,
with the greatest disciplined mindfulness I could muster,
with the help of others,
and with the Grace of God,
I managed to settled the divorce as successfully in favor of what was right, good and best for the kids as possible.

This includes Monday - Friday with me, mom's on weekends (with some exceptions).

But a year out since the divorce was finalized (2.5 since the initial separation) . . . there is just still so much to deal with.

Healing from the past still seems to be an ongoing process.

But most importantly, the kids still having to deal with her is the most challenging and formidable thing.

She poses a tremendous danger to their mental and emotional health, their sense of self and self esteem, and by extension to their education and social success, eventually of course their success in life.

Two children within the last week, for example, said the same thing - each not knowing that the other said it: I just want to be able to die when I am over there and then be brought back to life when we come back home with you.

They were in MUCH greater danger of all of this while we were married, mind you. The life change has helped tremendously.

But the danger still remains and at any rate they have to go over and deal with her on weekends and her new (totally naive, inexperienced and hopelessly manipulated) husband.

I have one child in therapy still right now and at the next appointment I am going to reach out and ask if there is anything we can do by way of some type of family therapy to help them/us continue to deal with her in the most positive and healthy way possible.

But I also feel like we need a specialist.

Someone who really knows.

Someone who has the right, direct experience.

And someone who BELIEVES us.

Also, it would be great to find an attorney with experience in the same. I don't think the law is equipped to handle or protect against the types of issues we face . . .but one can fantasize at least I suppose.

[Turkish]

That is severe talk, especially given that they are only with her only 2 days per week.  Have you asked the kids why they feel the way that they do? How is your relationship with her new husband?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome, sixofus!
It sounds as though you have made a great journey so far.  It sounds as though you have navigated many troubled waters and made it out.  It sounds like you are doing many things "right" and that is great work.
One thing I have accepted is to not bother worrying about getting an official diagnosis for your wife.  The strategies for keeping myself healthy and sane are irrelevant to what cocktail mix of personality features my wife has.  Maybe thinking like that will take a burden off your shoulders.  Not to say knowledge isn't powerful, and it sounds like you have educated yourself very well and no-doubt that helps you.
I think you have your own best advice to find a specialist (I'll follow this thread since I'd like to see the commentary too), and an attorney worthy to the task. 
It seems to me that if someone like a teacher, counselor, GAL, heard your kids' remarks about not wanting to be with mom, that would carry more weight than you doing what would appear to be badmouthing mom.
In the end, crazy is going to do crazy.  We believe you and support you!

[sixofus]

Thanks guys!

SamwizeGamgee, I appreciate your advice of letting go of any official diagnosis . . . that's more or less what I've done . . . but the thought remains, or even the reality, that diagnosis + her acceptance + a committed path toward real treatment/recovery would most certainly be the best case scenario, especially with so many other lives involved.

But the kids still need help either way, and I'm seeing that's just going to need to be an ongoing and vigilant thing . . . however much we struggle to realize "normal."

I'll give another example from a couple of days ago. My 11 year old says, "Daddy, . . . how normal is it for someone to be married for so many years with so many kids and then leave? Move in with another man, have a new baby and get remarried?"

And I had to point out and explain . . . that's not normal at all!

Which leads me to Turkish

I appreciate that you used the word "severe." Because I believe that it is, and that's some part of what I'm trying to gain some perspective on in finally joining this community.

When my therapist first introduced the idea of BPD to me he used the DSM IV criteria and said . . ."Out of the 9 criteria, I see 8 . . . you only need 5 for a diagnosis."

But when I got more familiar I most definitely saw all 9.

So we're not just talking about BPD symptoms, or a case of BPD, this looks like we're dealing with one of the most formidable cases possible.

But there's more.

I'll just put it this way . . . her rage (attack, vendetta, etc.), remorselessness and total lack of empathy seems also . . . it's hard to even put words to it.

I have compared it to the climax of The Little Mermaid where Ursula isn't just evil and mad anymore but turns into this colossal giant, overwhelming anyone of anything that might try to challenge, must less defeat, her.

In other words it's bad. And it's very frightening. And it's the source of enormous clinical anxiety, insomnia, bad dreams and nightmares, even at times panic disorder and passing out among the kids, myself, members of her family (who, no, in the end, aren't much help . . .they remain in denial r at least seem will never be able to tell the difference between loving and enabling her).

But anyway, that's it for now.

It does feel good t be able to share these things amongst others who know and understand.

Thanks!

[worriedStepmom]

SD11's upBPDmom is a waif, so for her we talk a lot about radical acceptance and strong boundaries.  Your ex sounds like she might have witch tendencies.  Was she always like that, or is this a recent change?

My best friend's kids have a dad who is diagnosed NPD.  Their mom and the loved ones in their lives regularly talk to them about staying under the radar at dad's house.  Mom provides headphones and tablets and books and puzzles so they can stay in their rooms at dad's, and for the love of all you hold dear, be quiet so they don't aggravate dad (who hits).  Do your kids have a way to become invisible at their mom's?

For long-term strategy, all of your minor children (and likely the 20-year-old) need to be in therapy ASAP. 

Divorce is hard on kids.  Really hard.  They feel unloved and abandoned and have a lot of anger, even if their new reality is much better than the old one.  Add to that, living with someone with a personality disorder can be REALLY hard on kids.

They need a professional to help them through all of their mixed emotions, and to help them learn coping mechanisms.  For my stepdaughter we chose a therapist who was certified to offer DBT.  Although SD11 doesn't show BPD traits, we knew the therapist would have experience with BPD patients, and we thought that he would have a helpful perspective for SD. 

Make sure your therapist would be willing to testify in court, if it ever comes to that.  A T usually needs to be treating the kids for at least 6 months before their testimony will be considered relevant.  If all of the kids are really having those kinds of issues, though - insomnia, severe anxiety, nightmares - then you might not want (or need) to wait for the T's report.

When H was ready to file for a custody modification, I asked everyone I know if they could recommend a good, aggressive lawyer.  The one H chose also advertised that she had extensive experience with high-conflict divorces and dealing with mentally ill spouses. 

I'm so glad your kids trust you enough to tell you what is going on.

[livednlearned]

sixofus, if you can get your kids into therapy, I highly recommend it.

Have you heard of somatic experiencing? It might be a good therapy to consider. When kids feel trapped and unable to escape (like what your kids describe) it can create a specific kind of trauma that SE is designed to help with. It's a biologically informed therapy that helps people learn how to tolerate intense feelings and release emotions appropriately.

You reached out and are showing that you can heal yourself and your kids by reaching for support and finding a safe place with others who understand what you're going through. The only pain worse than feeling trapped in misery is, in my experience, feeling helpless to protect your children. Don't let the despair of your situation terrify you -- there is a way through and you are taking those steps to lead your kids to safety.

It will get better. It is awful right now and it will get better.