Epilogue to FF getting promoted discussion (Christian Discussion)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333615.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333756.0;topicseen


So... .was clobbered with MBA work the last few days, so didn't get to post as much as I wanted.


I had a good session with my P. 

The biggest "other" that I take away from this is that when my wife "judged" me to be Jesus and "judged" her back by labeling her speech "blashphemy".  P made a big deal about it doesn't matter if what she said really was that or not.

Christian identity is obviously core to my wife, so anything (accurate or not) that "attacks" that identity, especially that might point out she isn't a super Christian could bring a lot of shame to her.

Even though all of this might be accurate... .not helpful for household and long term stability.

Me fairly quickly disengaging and letting my wife burn out was good move.

Not engaging the following morning and letting the apology/justification run it's course was a good move also.

Few days later where I scheduled a talk for later ... good move as well.

So... .what I should have done was focused on the goal which was to get my wife to quit talking about me being Jesus... rather than properly labeling it. 

"Hey... .could we quietly reflect for a minute about what's going on here... then talk privately?"

if she keeps blathering...

"I need to take a break to think this through... .I'll check back with you in 10 minutes."

Most likely if I would have done that, the outrage would have been less... .and she would have been less shamed.

Anyway... .P had some pointers for follow up conversations.  Basically that I should own that judging her speech was "not my best"... and then let that sit with my wife for a while (try to end the conversation quickly... vice let it deteriorate)

Hopefully will get that done over the weekend.

FF

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333615.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333756.0;topicseen


So... .was clobbered with MBA work the last few days, so didn't get to post as much as I wanted.


I had a good session with my P. 

The biggest "other" that I take away from this is that when my wife "judged" me to be Jesus and "judged" her back by labeling her speech "blashphemy".  P made a big deal about it doesn't matter if what she said really was that or not.

Christian identity is obviously core to my wife, so anything (accurate or not) that "attacks" that identity, especially that might point out she isn't a super Christian could bring a lot of shame to her.

Even though all of this might be accurate... .not helpful for household and long term stability.

Me fairly quickly disengaging and letting my wife burn out was good move.

Not engaging the following morning and letting the apology/justification run it's course was a good move also.

Few days later where I scheduled a talk for later ... good move as well.

So... .what I should have done was focused on the goal which was to get my wife to quit talking about me being Jesus... rather than properly labeling it. 

"Hey... .could we quietly reflect for a minute about what's going on here... then talk privately?"

if she keeps blathering...

"I need to take a break to think this through... .I'll check back with you in 10 minutes."

Most likely if I would have done that, the outrage would have been less... .and she would have been less shamed.

Anyway... .P had some pointers for follow up conversations.  Basically that I should own that judging her speech was "not my best"... and then let that sit with my wife for a while (try to end the conversation quickly... vice let it deteriorate)

Hopefully will get that done over the weekend.

FF

[Notwendy]

Something to think about if she has a poor sense of self. Taking on an identity- as a Christian, a Mother, - all these things tend to be respected in her social circle. With a shaky sense if self- anything that threatens these identities can be seen as a personal attack. Being a Christian does not mean being perfect- you know that. She isn't perfect, but she's frustrated at your "perfect" appearance. She said something inappropriate but when you called her a blasphemer, this attacked her identity, not what she said.

She is also likely to be frustrated by not being able to join the church if it is an essential part of her identity.

My BPD mom takes on "identities". Unlike your wife, they don't seem as realistic. I think your wife is a Christian and strives to live according to those guidelines. An imperfect one but who isn't? My mother is invested in appearing to be a wonderful mother and grandmother. I can understand her wish to have these identities and she plays the part with people in her circle who don't have a clue. Sometimes when I see her talking to people I think - who is this person? She's not the mother I know. But she is way more affected than your wife. I also think - she really would want to be a good mother if she could, but she's too impaired to. She has to have people believe this. If I were to be critical of her actions as a mother, it would feel like I am destroying her very self.

I think you have a right to stand up for yourself, but I don't think an emotional wound to you is the same intensity as one for your wife. So, she said something horrible to you. It didn't injure your self image. Calling her a blasphemer might have done that to her. I think it's important to keep firm boundaries, but perhaps be gentle with judgement.

It could also have been handled with " Honey, that's not cool- let's talk about this later." and then a talk about what she's feeling that led her to say that rather than call her a blasphemer.

[snappybrowneyes]

FF,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back but I have been working a lot! The title of the short booklet is:

Borderline Personality
A Scriptural Perspective by Cathy Wiseman
The Gospel for REAL LIFE series

[formflier]

Thanks... I'll give it a read.

Anyone dare me to "openly" read it... .see if she asks?

FF