Part 2: Daughter is pregnant with 4th child and I'm afraid to tell her I won't help her

[Parents! Get help here!]

Part 1 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333212.0;all

I'll write this out because I believe it will help and I need to remind myself. I will not always feel as badly as I feel today. I suppose I could feel worse (that just occurred to me) but I have to believe and hope some good days are in store and I know there will be. Just today is one of those bottom of the barrel days.
Trigger was weather. We had snow yesterday which was beautiful. I was due to swim with GD2 but roads were too messy. So then it changed to a really driving hard rain. I was going into the grocery store and getting soaked and very cold and thought of this soon to be born baby and man, I just went down the rabbit hole. No car seat, no stroller. What are they going to do? I am reminding myself to breathe in and out. I'm just having a very rough day when I think of all the collateral damage this is going to do to the other three kids. I texted my son-in-law (who D left a year plus ago) as I know he can hear me clearly and he really knows her, he knows, and he said, "We will get them through." This meaning us and them being the 3 kids. I could sleep all day. I said to my son just now, "Do you ever feel you could sleep 20 hours a day?" He said, "Mom, yes. It's called depression." He said it not unkindly. I am the one who thinks no, I"m not depressed, I'm distressed. I really don't think I'm getting any quality sleep. I'm so tired I fall asleep but wake up and think oh no, oh no, oh no. This is just a phase, yes? I mean, the oh no may get more specific as things go along. I feel so very sad about this baby. Unwanted. Zero resources. Mother who can't meet the needs of three she already has, father who does not and can't meet any of the needs of his own three. I have chest pain today. It's minor but it's there. My health is reasonable. I am in the health professions. I know it's just minor chest pain, not like I need to call anyone but it's there. Stress. People look at me and they think a few things - she's funny and boy, she's capable. I used to believe that. I recently (today) have thought my capable part is slipping. Oh, it's slipping. No one can really tell any of us what to do. I hate that. I'd like someone to say oh, easy, do A and then do B and then do C. Best case scenario, win win for the whole lot of you. I know self-care has to come first. I know. It feels like having my face stuck in mud with only brief breaks to grab half a breath. Life is telling me OUT OF YOUR CONTROL for the nth time. I hear you, life. I hear you. I know my control is so tiny. What we'll have for supper. Even knitting makes me sad. I knit so many baby things over the years. I feel like BPD in our family has eaten me up and spit me out.
ES  (I am sorry to sound so hopeless. I know things will shift).

[Enjoysnooker]

Part 1 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333212.0;all

I'll write this out because I believe it will help and I need to remind myself. I will not always feel as badly as I feel today. I suppose I could feel worse (that just occurred to me) but I have to believe and hope some good days are in store and I know there will be. Just today is one of those bottom of the barrel days.
Trigger was weather. We had snow yesterday which was beautiful. I was due to swim with GD2 but roads were too messy. So then it changed to a really driving hard rain. I was going into the grocery store and getting soaked and very cold and thought of this soon to be born baby and man, I just went down the rabbit hole. No car seat, no stroller. What are they going to do? I am reminding myself to breathe in and out. I'm just having a very rough day when I think of all the collateral damage this is going to do to the other three kids. I texted my son-in-law (who D left a year plus ago) as I know he can hear me clearly and he really knows her, he knows, and he said, "We will get them through." This meaning us and them being the 3 kids. I could sleep all day. I said to my son just now, "Do you ever feel you could sleep 20 hours a day?" He said, "Mom, yes. It's called depression." He said it not unkindly. I am the one who thinks no, I"m not depressed, I'm distressed. I really don't think I'm getting any quality sleep. I'm so tired I fall asleep but wake up and think oh no, oh no, oh no. This is just a phase, yes? I mean, the oh no may get more specific as things go along. I feel so very sad about this baby. Unwanted. Zero resources. Mother who can't meet the needs of three she already has, father who does not and can't meet any of the needs of his own three. I have chest pain today. It's minor but it's there. My health is reasonable. I am in the health professions. I know it's just minor chest pain, not like I need to call anyone but it's there. Stress. People look at me and they think a few things - she's funny and boy, she's capable. I used to believe that. I recently (today) have thought my capable part is slipping. Oh, it's slipping. No one can really tell any of us what to do. I hate that. I'd like someone to say oh, easy, do A and then do B and then do C. Best case scenario, win win for the whole lot of you. I know self-care has to come first. I know. It feels like having my face stuck in mud with only brief breaks to grab half a breath. Life is telling me OUT OF YOUR CONTROL for the nth time. I hear you, life. I hear you. I know my control is so tiny. What we'll have for supper. Even knitting makes me sad. I knit so many baby things over the years. I feel like BPD in our family has eaten me up and spit me out.
ES  (I am sorry to sound so hopeless. I know things will shift).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Oh ES, I can hear the anguish in your post and my heart goes out to you. You've done such a great job describing what life is like for you in this moment. Yes, it's true - some good days are in store. It's great you have the relationship you do with your DD's ex, and I'll say it again - so cool of him to care so deeply for your three GC.

That you are able to see the beauty in the snow, that you are reminding yourself to breathe, that you are coming here to release your worries and fears. I hope it has helped you to post, I know I always feel better after posting.

I hope you'll consider reaching out to your doctor about what sounds like depression; your son's "not unkind" observation was shared with love and concern for you, that's clear. We also care about you and want you to take very good care of yourself.

~ OH

[smallbluething]

I'll write this out because I believe it will help and I need to remind myself. I will not always feel as badly as I feel today. I suppose I could feel worse (that just occurred to me) but I have to believe and hope some good days are in store and I know there will be. Just today is one of those bottom of the barrel days... .
Life is telling me OUT OF YOUR CONTROL for the nth time. I hear you, life. I hear you. I know my control is so tiny. What we'll have for supper. Even knitting makes me sad. I knit so many baby things over the years. I feel like BPD in our family has eaten me up and spit me out.
ES  (I am sorry to sound so hopeless. I know things will shift).

Oh Enjoysnooker - I'd been wondering how you are going and I so sorry that you're having such a rough day (or days) - your post is shot through and through with raw pain. Letting go is so hard when you've been the rescuer for so long. I'm struggling with the same dilemma myself and have had a couple of bad days lately, but in your case the fact that a child is involved makes it so much harder. I really feel for you. Here is a place to vent and be heard so vent away!

I think OnlyHuman has wide words about mindfulness and looking for the small moments of beauty in the day. I have been trying this too and also trying to keep in mind the idea of radical acceptance of things-as-they-are. But I won't lie, it is bloody hard sometimes.

Sometimes we can assume the worst will  happen ahead of time and this is just creating a torment for ourselves that is unnecessary. Perhaps we should try to put the future out of our minds and if bad things happen down the track cross those bridges when we come to them rather than terrorising ourselves by 'rehearsing' it 1000 times in our minds beforehand. Again this is all easier said than done - it is hard to break the mental habits of a lifetime but it is worth the attempt even if we don't always succeed.

On the topic of depression vs distress, I was once diagnosed with reactive depression which is depression brought on by stressful events or situations. Perhaps distress is a better name for it, but nonetheless I did find that the standard treatments for depression (SSRIs) did help me cope with a difficult period. It might be worth talking the hint from your son and seeking help and or medication for depression - it isn't just for people who have depression solely due to chemical imbalance.

[Enjoysnooker]

Dear Only Human and Small Blue Thing,
I am so grateful to hear you both and know I am heard by you. The depression thing - I went on an SSRI to quit smoking in July past and did quit but the med really did not agree with me. I am reluctant to go on a med because it does not feel like depression. My most excellent therapist who died (I am so tired of people dying) when I first saw him I said, listen, I'm depressed. I really am. Listen to all of this and then just tell me what to do. He was top of his field really. I was so lucky to have the time with him I did. He was the one who said you are NOT depressed. Clearly. You just are not. You're distressed and you're frustrated and you're fed up and you're angry and tired but you are not depressed and it would be incorrect to medicate you for such. I'd have taken pigeon poop pills at that point if I thought they'd have helped. But I do hear you both and I will keep a close eye. I will.

I really feel relief that you both heard me. SBBug, you are right. I am picturing it really bad, really bad. I get caught up with that. But. But. At times I have been lulled into the "it's okay, things are okay" with the situations with my daughter, well, it's like getting smacked side of the head with a bowling ball. Every. Time. She catches me so off guard and I'll find out how terrible things have been for the kids while I've been in a bit of a lala land of my own hoping/making. I think to myself, c'mon, don't overreact. DD and wretched boyfriend are smoking SO MUCH in this one bedroom apartment that all the clothes need washed by the father of child 3 as things just reek of smoke. I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? And here smokes cost like 20.00 a pack! Oh, this day. Is this day over yet? But yes, to not catastrophize. I hear you. I do. With gratitude and humility. And it is about mindfulness. But this bracing for impact re waiting for this child to be born and the fall out. Oh, it is going to be bad. I think I can guarantee you it's going to be bad. No one could ever see it otherwise.
It is very rare in these later years my husband and I get on each other's nerves. No marriage is perfect but I am deeply proud of mine, it's been a long one and we've worked at it and he is the love of my life, absolutely. A sweet man. Today he was sullen (how he deals with stress) and I was tense as all get out and it was just a rotten day.
You know, the only way through this is through this. Period. The fact there are already 3 kids involved and about to be a 4th, well, game changer. Game changer.
I ate way too much tonight. Like way too much. That's okay. It could have been worse. I would like to cry a lot but I don't feel I can do that as I do not want my son to see me crying and I have this feeling like if I fall apart, well, that it will not be good. That I won't be able to get it together for work tomorrow. That I'll fall more apart. Like I'm kind of just holding it together.
Did I say I was capable? That feels not so realistic right now.
So, points learned. Do not think the worst even if the worst seems to keep happening. My therapist talked about this a lot. I can't prepare for disasters and be better off. I need to stay in the day. It is about mindfulness.
I made bad choices today. Well, no. No. Let me revise. Posting here was a good choice, a safe place, a caring place of people who know what I am talking about. The lethargy and eating and too much caffeine, not so good. I did some photo work. Good. So not all good, not all bad. A mix.
I wish there was a place I could go and cry for a day. That would be what I want. To just cry for one day. Maybe I'd want more but a day would surely help get some of it out of me. I feel quite broken.
Thank you for listening.
ES

[Enjoysnooker]

smallbluething, not small blue bug. Sorry! My brain today.

[Only Human]

I'd have taken pigeon poop pills at that point if I thought they'd have helped.

I'm so sorry for laughing at this, I am, but I love your humor, ES.

I have been lulled into the "it's okay, things are okay" with the situations with my daughter, well, it's like getting smacked side of the head with a bowling ball.

I wonder if reframing this to, "Things may not be ok but I am ok" would help? Just a thought that came to my mind, as I can see how the reality of the situation could catch you off guard.

I made bad choices today. Well, no. No. Let me revise. Posting here was a good choice, a safe place, a caring place of people who know what I am talking about. The lethargy and eating and too much caffeine, not so good. I did some photo work. Good. So not all good, not all bad. A mix.

I like your stream of consciousness posting here, ES - it's relatable to so many, I'm sure. Thanks for sharing it. You're being mindful of the positives while acknowledging some not-so-great choices. Excellent.

I wish there was a place I could go and cry for a day. That would be what I want. To just cry for one day. Maybe I'd want more but a day would surely help get some of it out of me. I feel quite broken.

I hear you, you're so very sad. Know that we are embracing you here - we care and we get it.

~ OH

[smallbluething]

I wish there was a place I could go and cry for a day. That would be what I want. To just cry for one day. Maybe I'd want more but a day would surely help get some of it out of me. I feel quite broken.
Thank you for listening.
ES

It is such a shame you can't find a way to get a break from this even for a day or two. You mentioned snow and I'm imagining you stuck indoors under that polar vortex I keep reading about in the news (though I don't know if that is where you are) - That polar vortex seems like a metaphor for the dark times in the BPD rollercoaster somehow.

I hear what you say about being knocked sideways by each new disaster - that kind of experience is a very visceral thing isn't it - really hits you in the guts (quite literally).

I'm thinking of you, while sitting on the other side of the world (we're roasting down-under) - wish I could give you a hug  . Also ling at Pigeon poop pills and being called small blue bug - you can call me whatever you like if it helps ;-) You are a funny, capable lady even in your dark times.

[Enjoysnooker]

I had all three kids this weekend for sleepover. I really worked on using that active validating listening. It's so GOOD. GD3 has so much on her young shoulders, so much. She would talk about her concerns and I'd say, "I hear you telling me that frustrates you," just using her words back. You could see the relief at being heard. You could see it.
Then, oh no, nits. NITS! I tried to keep it upbeat and thank goodness no one else had it but poor GD3. She was super patient as I did the treatment and picked like 100 nits off her. I must say it was calming. Not that I'd wish nits on anyone but I think maybe I have a career calling. I could put music on the ipod and bluetooth it through the hearing aids, picking nits all the while. It was wonderful to have the kids here. My former son in law said drop them back to him. I'd been braced to have to see D but nope. First time we've ever dropped back to him after a weekend sleepover but I didn't even go into it with him ala why and did she ask and any of it. Just did it. Done. Then played pool and ate a hot fudge chocolate sunday with a massive brownie in it. So, if you get lice, uh, call me. I'm good at this.
ES

[smallbluething]

Laughing at the nit story and your unexpectedly calming nit therapy ! Glad you had a day that went pretty well.

[Music Ace]

EJ - thank you for your total and objective (is that the word I even want) honesty.  I truly feel like I can see your life through your eyes. Your writing makes me want to meet you in real life and see if you are my twin.

You always, ALWAYS find a positive.  You are an inspiration and I do believe, it's your sense of humour and lightness of heart that does it.

Keep finding peace (be it through nit picking or drilling some little balls around or indulging in a glorious hot fudge sundae WITH a brownie ... .YESSSSSS!) - you've got lots of people here cheering for you.

Ace

[Enjoysnooker]

Thanks for writing Smallbluething and Music Ace. It is always helpful to a) write and b) hear how it sounds from another perspective. I always find something positive? That makes my throat tight. Emotionally. You know, my brain wants to survive. Oh my word, I am crying again. Today was hard. I took GD3 to her dance lesson. She said that my D had an ultrasound and baby has just one kidney. There seem to be a lot of ultrasounds. A baby. A baby. Oh, I am still processing or maybe not processing. GD3 said D took the little kids to the mall to buy baby clothes. I came home and said to my husband I just need to cry for a while. He doesn't look too thrilled about that but I have got to cry. My blood pressure is a mess.
GD3 said my D's boyfriend bought GD3 some big fancy Starbuck drink yesterday as she had to stay home and get her nits still picked. GD3 said he told her he'd have bought a van if they'd known about the pregnancy. This is someone who got the car he drives for 800.00. All in, all in. I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? Many swear words. I hear you are angry, ES. Yes. What's under that anger? Sorrow. Fear. What do you want to do? Go spend another grand on a stroller and car seat for a car that will likely crap out and what about groceries and diapers and formula and all of that? Let's remember the you decided not to rescue and enable. Yes, yes. Remember that. Remember how you think that you own stepping away from this is healthy. Remember you can't even go to that maternity hospital, it feels like PTSD. My son just came and rubbed my shoulder. He is a kind, kind person. I feel like maybe D feels like I'm abandoning her. Maybe I am abandoning her. Let's do a reality check. She was barely in touch for two years while having this affair that ended her marriage. C'mon, ES, wake up, wake up. You have financially done 95% of the things for the last 13 years for these kids. But. Ah. Now you want to stop. Yes. Because you're tired and very fed up she let this happen. Yes. And the collateral damage to the other three, you're afraid and mad about that. Yes. And what was the trigger tonight? The stupid frappacino news, that GD3 would be impressed by that. You want her to keep on hating him, eh? And seeing he's useless and provides nothing for them or his own three kids. A Starbucks drink? REALLY? And there is no car seat and that is freaking you out. But you're afraid if you get a carseat it'll release the flood gates and you'll want to get all the other things. And it's my stunned birthday this weekend (I work, thank heavens) but GD3 said they all went to the mall to get me cards. I'm a in making minimalist so I said for two years, no gifts, no gifts please. But the card idea. I am afraid of the cards. I don't want cards.
I know there are other grandparents in this situation sort of and ones here that raise their grandchildren. The 4 thing is the straw that is breaking my camel back. I can feel it and I felt it as soon as I heard. How can you have four accidental pregnancies. How. I think it's tragic. And I am bound and determined to find some good in each day despite my heart so sad and what feels like a grand piano on my shoulders. I really wish my old therapist had not died. I am danged grateful you're all around here. Thank you for reading this. The crying helps. Better than trying to hold it all in.
Thank you.
ES  (she's due the 26th)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I'm glad you gave yourself some time to cry, ES, and I hope you found some relief by embracing your sadness, if only for a short time. Your son reaching out to comfort you was very sweet.

You are standing firm with your boundary, though I know it's tearing you apart - your daughter bought baby clothes, she'll figure the rest out too I'm sure.

We are here, listening, supporting you.

~ OH

[Enjoysnooker]

You are standing firm with your boundary, though I know it's tearing you apart - your daughter bought baby clothes, she'll figure the rest out too I'm sure.

We are here, listening, supporting you.

~ OH

Thank you, OH. It is really hard. Not much sleep and I thought okay, get a baby seat, then I had this long battle on that about get a new one, used one, give her the money? Then I came here. No, first I ate oatmeal, made tea, then I came here.
I know no one can tell anyone else what to do. I understand that. And I know that if things go very wrong it will not be because I did not buy all the baby things they need. I know that. Well, I'm trying to know it beyond intellectually and truly believe it.
I wanted to add I did well with GD3 as she told her news (the drink, the baby clothes) and just did the nodding and validating stuff. I can really see the benefit. She does not feel conflicted speaking freely to me. I said, "You really enjoyed that frapaccino" or whatever you call them, in a nice voice. And she's 13. She is just 13.
Did I mention the lice thing? That they have had them three times in the last few months in the other kids at the main house and only told me last night? I was too annoyed to reply properly. Father of GC3 said "Yeah, we didn't tell you, you know, the stigma." I said, "It would have been far better had I known ala washing/dryer/combs/bedding etc re they're here every third week." I think they should have told me. They know my kids have had lice a few times and there's zero stigma to it from where I stand. It's lice! Sheesh.
I can see how badly I want to buy a car seat. I understand that is rescuing and it will just open the floodgates for me where I start to panic over their lack of the other things, etc.
I'm most upset because the reality of it is hitting me. I am finding it hard, understatement.
Today I work. Tomorrow is pool with friends. The crying helped but definitely did not help my husband. He hates to see me cry. I know this is not healthy. People cry. Okay, I think I am only human too. Soft smile. May the day be peaceful for me and you and all people. It is a tall wish but I will wish it and try to make it so by finding a shred of peace inside me.
Thank you,
ES

[Enjoysnooker]

A very wise soul told me something about being able to live with what you've said and done at the end of the day. I am not phrasing it perfectly but you get the idea.
In the two texts since this all started, not once did I say "I love you" to my D. She said it. She said it when she told me and she said it clearly. My anger took over and oh, I just hate texting overall. So much room for misunderstanding. Anyway, told that thing about "at the end of the day" hit me right between the eyes and I thought what if this was my last day? What if it was? And what if all I'd done was send a rather tightly worded text about storage space? So somewhere between being mess-fixer of the world and super aloof "you can't hurt me because I am NOT available period" there is a middle ground I seek and love, oh my, love should not be absent, in word or deed. So today I sent a text that said in short that I've not said I love you since this news and I want you to know I do love you, that Dad loves you. And she replied that she knew that, she felt sure of our love. I had a little cry but it was a lot less gnashing of teeth cry, it was a relief cry.
I also sat with my 28 year old son and said a summary of this - Oh man, oh man, I have been rescuing you too for way too long in ways big and small and I'm super sorry. I had good intentions! But wow, so disabling and so not helpful. I'm sorry. Blame my mother. Ha. Yes and no. I mean, I really see clearly now how my rescuing (mess fixing, my new term) is part of my wanting to protect and take care of the people I love but it goes way overboard, way overboard. It crosses boundaries, it does not let people learn from their own mistakes, it exhausts and depletes me and makes me resentful and whacked right out. So, if I say DO IT YOURSELF, uh, it's out of love. And we will not sing that "Rescue Me" song ever again, deal? Spit and shake. He laughed. He really repeats this action (and why not, he learned from the master) with his relationship with his girlfriend and it's not great but at least I can own it and tell him I'm trying to mend my ways. And I am trying.
That's the update.
Mess-fixers of the world, step down. Soft smile.
Peace, people, peace,
ES

[Only Human]

And she replied that she knew that, she felt sure of our love. I had a little cry but it was a lot less gnashing of teeth cry, it was a relief cry.

What a great gift you have given each other with this text exchange, ES. Above and in spite of all, there is love. Love between you and your sweet H, your caring son, your lovely GC, and your DD.  Thank you for sharing your journey with us all so freely and genuinely. You're growing in leaps and bounds and it's a joy to witness.

Keep on keepin' on, my friend.

~ OH

[smallbluething]

... .
That's the update.
Mess-fixers of the world, step down. Soft smile.

Hi ES - glad to ear about your positive text exchange and your working towards that happy medium between too much rescuing and being too aloof. Your exchange with your son sounds funny and heartfelt.

I hope you find your way to some respite and peace.

[Only Human]

Hi Enjoysnooker 

I've been wondering how you're doing. Please let us know, we care about you 

~ OH

[Music Ace]

Hi OH - I may be speaking out of turn, but when EnjoySnooker and I spoke most recently, she mentioned she was going to take a step back from 'online' activity and take some time to refocus. I hope to see her back soon too!

Ace