Things took a turn for the better.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has been a long while since I've posted.  Shortly after my last post, things took a turn for the better.  It started out poorly -- my daughter ran away from the house into the night, I followed after her and called the police when I realized she was not heading towards my stbBPDexwife's house.  (I found myself, a middle-aged man, chasing a young teen girl down the street at 9pm on a Friday night, and needed the police as chaperones).  The two officers were excellent, and talked to my daughter for a very long time, sharing their stories of growing up, then they sent us home.  My daughter was upset that she couldn't stay at her mom's house that night claiming that she slept better there.  She was yelling at me.  I sat on the floor, used SET, and told her I'd talk if she'd sit down on the other side of the room and talk calmly.  I said that I could be flexible in the near term but my concern was that she wasn't following the parenting plan and that was a hard limit for me.  We worked out a compromise where I drove her to her Mom's that night in exchange for her promise to follow the custody arrangement with no games from then on.  She held to her promise for a few months.

On Saturday, I picked youngest daughter up from a school event.  She had missed the text I'd sent the night before saying where I'd pick her up, but I thought she'd seen it.  I waited 50 minutes for her while she waited on the other side of the school, getting more upset.  When we connected, I tried to validate her feelings, but she snapped at me.  She refused to stay at my house that night, and has been refusing since.  Today, I picked her up from school, and when we got home, she walked the half mile to my stbBPDexwife's house.

Interesting that the last thing that was said in this thread is that my daughter needs to feel heard.  I agree.  But we just brought her to a therapists office for several weeks, and she wouldn't go in the office.  I listen to her with empathy, but she is convinced I was abusive to my stbBPDexwife, and I cannot discuss this at all with her.  My stbBPDexwife insists that youngest daughter doesn't feel listened to.  When youngest daughter accused me of abuse, I denied it (perhaps it would have been better if I'd skipped that part, though I was not abusive), but then tried to validate her feelings and redirect to safe topics.

I delayed our domestic violence trial in hopes of reaching a negotiated solution with my stbBPDexwife.  We were supposed to meet to negotiate in early January.  I was super nervous, and prepared so I could do my part.  She had not prepared at all.  I had delayed the trial (and resolution that would allow me to find peace) and she didn't bother to prepare for negotiation.  It's been another month and she's done nothing.  We have a trial date set for in a few months.

The thing that rocked my world in court last week during the short hearing to get the trial date is that my stbBPDexwife's lawyer (my stbBPDexwife didn't even show) asked for a summer trial so my two adult daughters would be home from college to testify against me.  I almost collapsed in the courtroom.  Her lawyer told my lawyer that she wants to "clear her name."  I have a journal with hundreds of incidents of abuse against me.  Four pages of chilling quotes from her that shake professionals who have read them.  Over half a dozen videos of abuse, including violent assault.  She has made accusations full of lies and distortions, with no evidence.  A trial is a waste of time.  Calling my children to testify is abusive to them and to me.  We have a chance of preventing it, but only time will tell.  The reason I mentioned about my wife not participating in negotiations is that it would be really stupid if we end up at trial because she can't get her stuff together to negotiate, and she runs out the clock.

I am having a hard time functioning.  It seems like I get an hour or so of productive things done per day.  It's probably better than that, but I haven't been able to support others on the boards.  Writing this post is an attempt to get more engaged and get me back in business here.  I can't focus.  Any sort of difficult topic is tough to think about.  The frequency of communication with my stbBPDexwife to try to get visitation restarted, and her accusation that I'm to blame for my daughter's relationship problems with me, are killing me.  The thing is, when my daughter is here, we have good times.  It runs hot and cold; I'd rather it was great all the time, but there are times when she is very relaxed, and we even have gone out to do things together.  There are no demands on her when she is with me.  She can hang out in her room all she wants.  The main issue is that she is convinced that my stbBPDexwife's version of events is correct.  As long as we can avoid that topic, we seem to do OK, but if she gets upset with me over anything, or something comes up to remind her, things get worse.

I've got a lot of support, and each time my head goes spinning, I'm able to recenter myself within minutes or hours, but the last week and a half has been over the top.  I am terrified of losing youngest daughter and feel such deep anguish over the fact that my abuser enjoys my daughters while following through on her promise that "they will never sleep under the same roof as you again."  She sometimes acts helpful, but then is evasive, manipulative, or disingenuous.  

I am trying to aim right down the middle, being appropriately assertive without being passive or aggressive, but it's exhausting.

I know I'm rambling a bit, but that's pretty much the state of my head right now.  Thanks for listening.

TD

[Thorndike]

It has been a long while since I've posted.  Shortly after my last post, things took a turn for the better.  It started out poorly -- my daughter ran away from the house into the night, I followed after her and called the police when I realized she was not heading towards my stbBPDexwife's house.  (I found myself, a middle-aged man, chasing a young teen girl down the street at 9pm on a Friday night, and needed the police as chaperones).  The two officers were excellent, and talked to my daughter for a very long time, sharing their stories of growing up, then they sent us home.  My daughter was upset that she couldn't stay at her mom's house that night claiming that she slept better there.  She was yelling at me.  I sat on the floor, used SET, and told her I'd talk if she'd sit down on the other side of the room and talk calmly.  I said that I could be flexible in the near term but my concern was that she wasn't following the parenting plan and that was a hard limit for me.  We worked out a compromise where I drove her to her Mom's that night in exchange for her promise to follow the custody arrangement with no games from then on.  She held to her promise for a few months.

On Saturday, I picked youngest daughter up from a school event.  She had missed the text I'd sent the night before saying where I'd pick her up, but I thought she'd seen it.  I waited 50 minutes for her while she waited on the other side of the school, getting more upset.  When we connected, I tried to validate her feelings, but she snapped at me.  She refused to stay at my house that night, and has been refusing since.  Today, I picked her up from school, and when we got home, she walked the half mile to my stbBPDexwife's house.

Interesting that the last thing that was said in this thread is that my daughter needs to feel heard.  I agree.  But we just brought her to a therapists office for several weeks, and she wouldn't go in the office.  I listen to her with empathy, but she is convinced I was abusive to my stbBPDexwife, and I cannot discuss this at all with her.  My stbBPDexwife insists that youngest daughter doesn't feel listened to.  When youngest daughter accused me of abuse, I denied it (perhaps it would have been better if I'd skipped that part, though I was not abusive), but then tried to validate her feelings and redirect to safe topics.

I delayed our domestic violence trial in hopes of reaching a negotiated solution with my stbBPDexwife.  We were supposed to meet to negotiate in early January.  I was super nervous, and prepared so I could do my part.  She had not prepared at all.  I had delayed the trial (and resolution that would allow me to find peace) and she didn't bother to prepare for negotiation.  It's been another month and she's done nothing.  We have a trial date set for in a few months.

The thing that rocked my world in court last week during the short hearing to get the trial date is that my stbBPDexwife's lawyer (my stbBPDexwife didn't even show) asked for a summer trial so my two adult daughters would be home from college to testify against me.  I almost collapsed in the courtroom.  Her lawyer told my lawyer that she wants to "clear her name."  I have a journal with hundreds of incidents of abuse against me.  Four pages of chilling quotes from her that shake professionals who have read them.  Over half a dozen videos of abuse, including violent assault.  She has made accusations full of lies and distortions, with no evidence.  A trial is a waste of time.  Calling my children to testify is abusive to them and to me.  We have a chance of preventing it, but only time will tell.  The reason I mentioned about my wife not participating in negotiations is that it would be really stupid if we end up at trial because she can't get her stuff together to negotiate, and she runs out the clock.

I am having a hard time functioning.  It seems like I get an hour or so of productive things done per day.  It's probably better than that, but I haven't been able to support others on the boards.  Writing this post is an attempt to get more engaged and get me back in business here.  I can't focus.  Any sort of difficult topic is tough to think about.  The frequency of communication with my stbBPDexwife to try to get visitation restarted, and her accusation that I'm to blame for my daughter's relationship problems with me, are killing me.  The thing is, when my daughter is here, we have good times.  It runs hot and cold; I'd rather it was great all the time, but there are times when she is very relaxed, and we even have gone out to do things together.  There are no demands on her when she is with me.  She can hang out in her room all she wants.  The main issue is that she is convinced that my stbBPDexwife's version of events is correct.  As long as we can avoid that topic, we seem to do OK, but if she gets upset with me over anything, or something comes up to remind her, things get worse.

I've got a lot of support, and each time my head goes spinning, I'm able to recenter myself within minutes or hours, but the last week and a half has been over the top.  I am terrified of losing youngest daughter and feel such deep anguish over the fact that my abuser enjoys my daughters while following through on her promise that "they will never sleep under the same roof as you again."  She sometimes acts helpful, but then is evasive, manipulative, or disingenuous.  

I am trying to aim right down the middle, being appropriately assertive without being passive or aggressive, but it's exhausting.

I know I'm rambling a bit, but that's pretty much the state of my head right now.  Thanks for listening.

TD

[once removed]

young teens, girls and boys, are tough, man. emotional, rebellious, the whole nine yards. throw in a complicated divorce, and you have a powder keg.

kids often pick sides, too. its deeply hurtful, but dont lose sight of the big picture. choose your battles.

I am having a hard time functioning.  

you sound like you could really use some support  

[Cat Familiar]

young teens, girls and boys, are tough, man. emotional, rebellious, the whole nine yards.

Add to that, hormones    I was a mess when I was a young teen and with the onset of puberty, it's much easier for a girl to relate to her mother over all the scary changes, both physical and emotional that are bombarding her at once.

I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but don't take it personally. She needs her mom right now.

Just be there for her. She will come around.    

[Thorndike]

Thanks, OR and Cat, I appreciate it.  She stayed at her mom's last night (in violation of the court order), but is here tonight, shut up in her room.  I gave her a ride to and from sports practice.  She is quite frosty, and ate dinner in her room.  She likes cheese bagels for lunch.  The store was out of them, so I bought a plain and some shredded asagio and turned it into a cheese bagel in the toaster oven.  She does notice things like this.  But dealing with the constant pressure of her mother's distorted reality is like battling a stiff headwind, the kind I remember blowing me backwards across a lake when I was canoeing as a Boy Scout.  It's discouraging, to say the least.  If she is physically staying here and I have time with her, I feel like my calm, loving dad presence will eventually work.  But when she and her mother fall off the bandwagon with the parenting schedule, my stbBPDexwife's threat, "The kids will never sleep under the same roof as you again," haunts me.

I appreciate the comments about hormones and how tough it is to be a young teen.  This is an stbBPDexwifetremely difficult time for her, and I try always to keep that in mind.

One change that I'm super happy with is that I blocked my stbBPDexwife on text last night.  She kept texting me things that I couldn't respond to due to her restraining order against me, and she also sent me a cryptic message about the dog that was triggering and threatening in a way that's too complicated to stbBPDexwifeplain.  (My restraining order against her is a year older, and we made a bunch of communications stbBPDexwifeceptions so we could conduct family business, but she has not made those stbBPDexwifeceptions in her restraining order, and seems to enjoy the power position it puts her in.)  We can still e-mail, but the real-time communications just ended up being an invitation to drama.

TD

[Enabler]

TD,

Keep your strength in these challenging times. I don't know how you do it... .well I do... .because you have to!

Does the restraining order allow her to throw rocks at you but not comment back? Just to clarify.

Enabler

[Thorndike]

Does the restraining order allow her to throw rocks at you but not comment back? Just to clarify.

Thanks, Enabler.  Good question.  It's kind of hard to sexplain unless I know the person I'm talking to understands DV and PTSD.  One of her main control tactics was to gaslight me and say I wasn't being abused, and to call herself a victim.  Her restraining order against me validates that for her.  So every time her restraining order constrains me, I feel the pressure of invalidation -- the abuse against me is being denied, and I'm being called the abuser.  So, anytime she texts me about anything, even the dog, it's an invitation for me to violate the restraining order by responding and it's a power move from her that pains me.  I very clearly asked her never to do it, that the asymmetry was not OK, and yet she continues.  I knew I had to figure out a boundaries response that depended only on my actions, so I blocked her, which is a big move for me.  I normally communicate well past my healthy limits in order to try to work things out.

TD

[Cat Familiar]

This puts you on even footing again, and she still has email, right?

[Thorndike]

This puts you on even footing again, and she still has email, right?

Exactly.  We are on relatively equal footing with e-mail, and with phones these days, e-mail can be near real-time.  We exchanged an e-mail or two on logistical details today, and it went fine.

[Harri]

I knew I had to figure out a boundaries response that depended only on my actions, so I blocked her, which is a big move for me.  I normally communicate well past my healthy limits in order to try to work things out.

Good for you!  Figuring out a way to make it work for you is important. 

What do you to do manage your PTSD?  What else helps/works?

[Enabler]

Is there a controlled communication you can sign up to? I'm not there yet but I have read on the boards that people sign up to messaging service which are on a special website which is monitored. Clearly there is necessary communication around your kids that needs to happen. A situation where she is allowed to send you communications but you are not allowed to respond is unfair and abusive... .well the abuse is likely her reaction to everyday comments. A centralised place where all communication is recorded and monitored could work?

Enabler