Righteous anger

[AskingWhy]

Feeling righteous anger is a step, IMO, toward healing.  

The book by Lundy Bancroft called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" (which addresses relationship abuse and DV) talks about waking up to abuse and being able to be angry about it.  There is nothing wrong with feeling this anger.

When my uBPD H overturned furniture, punch holes in walls, rage, make divorce threats and break my property, I would be devastated to tears.  H would look on while I wept, unmoved and delighted in the punishment he had dealt me and its effect.  I would beg him to reconsider and beg for us to talk it over.  I would apologise for anything I did or might have done that made him mad.  I took the blame.  (On the other hand, H was manipulated by his children and even in their adulthood.  They emotionally blackmail him to get him to do the things they want, buy them expensive gifts, and bail them out of the consequences of poor decisions, such as drug/alcohol rehab, getting fired from jobs due to lack of ethics (sleeping with the boss) and numerous car accidents.

I am no longer there.  I no longer take the blame for his rage and emptiness.  I am fed up with it and at the anger stage.

pwBPD are known for their feelings of emptiness (Kreger's, "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" is a great help!) but I am not responsible for the rage H is feeling nor obligated to be his emotional punching bag.  When he is feeling empty and feeling loss of control, and projecting his rage on to me, I call him "Eas ter rabbit."  We know those hollow choc olate rabbits--they are hollow. I know that is not the kindest thing to say to him (and some would say downright cruel) as BPDs feel terror at the emptiness, but that is where I am now.  I have no more empathy.  I can no longer rationalise the reasons behind his acting out--his horrid FOO, uNPD F and enabling M.

I am sick of the abuse, standing up for myself, and no longer in Stockholm thrall for my H.

[Turkish]

I went to my T for many months until one day he exclaimed, "you're angry.  Good! You have a lot to be angry about and I'm glad that you finally showed it."

It surprised me.  I had no idea.  I had fallen into my FOO-learned detachment, analysis,  and emotional suppression habits,  where I also internalized blame. 

[Ozzie101]

I had the same thing happen earlier this week. My T said "I'm glad to see you angry. When you first came here, you were so passive and compliant but now you're showing anger and determination and that's so important for you."

So, yes, anger is a step in the healing process. Good for you for getting there and for standing up for yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

Like others, I was passive in my first marriage and struggled to contain the chaos that my husband created every time things started to flow smoothly. Until I finally reached my limit of tolerance and ended the marriage, I had no idea how much anger I had suppressed over the years. And righteous anger it was, for repeated infidelity, financial irresponsibility, drug abuse, physical and emotional violence.

Once I finally allowed myself to experience the anger, I was astonished at how deep the well was. It took a long time for me to finally draw out the last of it.

Anger can be a toxic emotion if changes aren't made. It can be a great motivator too.

Nowadays I try to stay current with my feelings; I'm no longer stuffing them out of fear. Anger, appropriately expressed, can be powerful and can help us align with our values.

After all, when we're angry at another person, isn't it because we are tolerating something that isn't in keeping with our principles?