Kicking me when I'm down

[Depression = 72% of members]

Almost two weeks into silent treatment from uBPDh. Today I found out my father has cancer.  He is going into surgery on Friday.  I told my H, both because he has a relationship with my dad (we've been married for twelve years and my parents live nearby) and also because we rely heavily on my parents for childcare.  The way he responded tore my insides out. 

H was coming in from the garage and I stood in front of him in his path and told him.  He walked right past me and just said coldly and flatly "I'm sorry," while continuing to walk away. Then, perhaps thinking that wasn't quite enough, he added (in the same flat, cold tone) "that's terrible."  Then he went upstairs and continued to ignore me.  Later, I was in the master bedroom and he came in, calling for our daughter.  (She wasn't in the room.)  I was sobbing.  He turned around and walked out.  Then, he went out for another expensive dinner by himself.

I am having difficulty understanding how someone who has a problem with being too emotionally volatile can be so cold and heartless.  He truly HATES me. But I wouldn't even treat someone I hated in this way.  The articles on silent treatment really hit home for me about how abusive it really is. I'm not sure I can continue to handle this given what's happening with my dad.  I want to scream at my H, but I won't.  I want to ask him what the ---- is wrong with him, but I won't do that either.  Earlier today I was ready to try to make things better, even thinking of how I might validate him and try to make him feel more in control and important in our relationship.  After his response today, I am torn between just filing for divorce and trying desperately to find a reason or excuse for this behavior, as if it actually can be justified in some way.  I saw in one of the videos that pwBPD cannot control their emotions without getting tools to do that in therapy.  But he doesn't seem emotionally volatile right now at all.  Quite the opposite - he seems cold and calculated.  How is this part of the disorder, or is it at all?

[Caticorn]

Almost two weeks into silent treatment from uBPDh. Today I found out my father has cancer.  He is going into surgery on Friday.  I told my H, both because he has a relationship with my dad (we've been married for twelve years and my parents live nearby) and also because we rely heavily on my parents for childcare.  The way he responded tore my insides out. 

H was coming in from the garage and I stood in front of him in his path and told him.  He walked right past me and just said coldly and flatly "I'm sorry," while continuing to walk away. Then, perhaps thinking that wasn't quite enough, he added (in the same flat, cold tone) "that's terrible."  Then he went upstairs and continued to ignore me.  Later, I was in the master bedroom and he came in, calling for our daughter.  (She wasn't in the room.)  I was sobbing.  He turned around and walked out.  Then, he went out for another expensive dinner by himself.

I am having difficulty understanding how someone who has a problem with being too emotionally volatile can be so cold and heartless.  He truly HATES me. But I wouldn't even treat someone I hated in this way.  The articles on silent treatment really hit home for me about how abusive it really is. I'm not sure I can continue to handle this given what's happening with my dad.  I want to scream at my H, but I won't.  I want to ask him what the ---- is wrong with him, but I won't do that either.  Earlier today I was ready to try to make things better, even thinking of how I might validate him and try to make him feel more in control and important in our relationship.  After his response today, I am torn between just filing for divorce and trying desperately to find a reason or excuse for this behavior, as if it actually can be justified in some way.  I saw in one of the videos that pwBPD cannot control their emotions without getting tools to do that in therapy.  But he doesn't seem emotionally volatile right now at all.  Quite the opposite - he seems cold and calculated.  How is this part of the disorder, or is it at all?

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[Ozzie101]

Oh, Caticorn, I'm so sorry about your father. At such a difficult time, you should be able to turn to your spouse for comfort and support and yet he's giving you the opposite and continuing to make your life even more difficult. I can't even imagine.

Remind me, has your H ever had any kind of therapy or treatment?

[Caticorn]

Hi Ozzie,

He has not.  What is even more unfortunate is that before the current silent treatment he was ready to get diagnosed and get help.  He got the paperwork from a psychologist and was anxious to get testing and therapy started.  He realized he had a problem and he believed it was BPD.  Now everything is at a standstill.

Caticorn

[Harri]

Hi Caticorn.  I am sorry to hear the news about your dad.  I hope he heals well and quickly and that you can find some peace in all of this.

About your husband, it might be that he shut down and is cut off from his own emotions.  I am not trying to excuse him as it is quite difficult to be on the receiving end of this sort of reaction, or more like a non-reaction.

BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and often when a pwBPD (person with BPD) or even people without BPD becomes overwhelmed they will shut down and have a hard time connecting to their own emotions.  Not all pwBPD act out by yelling, some get quiet.  

Again, I am not trying to excuse his behavior.  Rather I am trying to give it a possible context.  It is natural to want someone to reach out and connect with emotionally.  Some people can't do that right away or even at all.

[Red5]

…He truly HATES me.

*But I wouldn't even treat someone I hated in this way. 

The articles on silent treatment really hit home for me about how abusive it really is.

I'm not sure I can continue to handle this given what's happening with my dad. 

Hello Caticorn,

I very sorry to hear about your Father, I know that's pretty hard on you.

I was sitting in my "T's" office about two weeks ago, and I made the comment, "she really does hate me Major Tom, doesn't she"… he replied, "Red, she hates everything".

I think what he meant was, that pw/BPD cannot regulate their thought process, their emotions, so this is why we hear all the time as the "non"… to "not take it personally"… but I know, with what is going on in your life, with your Father, that's this line doesn't work, especially when you are already dealing with "real world" issues, one would think, that just for the moment, the "white flag" would be held up, and a truce would be called, but that's not how it goes most times when we are in a relationship/marriage with a pw/BPD.

Yes, it is astounding the lack of empathy that we sometimes see in our partners, I completely understand, and sometimes unfortunately, it drives us to do the same towards them back… guard yourself against this… its poison to your soul.

I too have endured days, weeks even over a month of the silent treatment (ST), its terrible, and its very abusive.

Hang in there Caticorn,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Caticorn]

Harri, thank you for your insight.  It makes sense.     I guess it remains to be seen how long this shutdown lasts.  He did the same thing to his mother and he's still not speaking to her (nor does he even want to acknowledge that she exists) and it's been over a year.  That's what I think scares me about this particular silent treatment.  It seems so similar to what he did to her.  It's almost like he just shut off all positive feelings for her permanently.  He was so cold to her.  She was going through cancer treatments and was staying with us.  He had zero empathy for what she was going through.  I was taking care of her and visiting her in the hospital.  He would leave the room when she walked in, wouldn't speak to her.  It was horrible. I'm not saying she's perfect and they definitely have history, but the extent of his loathing was really troubling.

Yes, it is astounding the lack of empathy that we sometimes see in our partners, I completely understand, and sometimes unfortunately, it drives us to do the same towards them back … guard yourself against this … its poison to your soul.

Red5: This is exactly what has happened to me over the years.  I would never show the lack of empathy to him that he showed me yesterday, but I do feel like my empathy toward him has disappeared over the years. I think it's a means of self preservation and part of my emotional detachment. That's what I've been working on during this silent treatment.  Trying to really understand and appreciate what he's been going through in our marriage and in his life.  You're right - it's poison to the soul, and once we start acting like BPDs I guess there's little hope for the relationship.