What to do with suicide threats

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter (age 35) lives in a foreign country.  She has a lot of issues (BPD and bi-polar).  She previously has had bad episodes and worked them through.  At the moment she seems totally out of control sending me lengthy emails threatening suicide and blaming me for everything ( Almost two weeks now).  I have attempted to get help to her but she has performed her academy award performance to the police doing a welfare check.  She has unfriended me from Facebook and blocked me from pretty much any source we had to communicate.  She has now informed me she probably lost her job, hasn't paid her rent, and now might be doing drugs. I have supplemented her income the last few years (about $10k each year) but it I am really honest with myself she has a spending problem.  I am at my wits end.  I have read the books and I am not supposed to abandon her because that is the worst thing you can do but she hates on me with every email I send.  The grass is not green

[Mom-daughter OOC]

My daughter (age 35) lives in a foreign country.  She has a lot of issues (BPD and bi-polar).  She previously has had bad episodes and worked them through.  At the moment she seems totally out of control sending me lengthy emails threatening suicide and blaming me for everything ( Almost two weeks now).  I have attempted to get help to her but she has performed her academy award performance to the police doing a welfare check.  She has unfriended me from Facebook and blocked me from pretty much any source we had to communicate.  She has now informed me she probably lost her job, hasn't paid her rent, and now might be doing drugs. I have supplemented her income the last few years (about $10k each year) but it I am really honest with myself she has a spending problem.  I am at my wits end.  I have read the books and I am not supposed to abandon her because that is the worst thing you can do but she hates on me with every email I send.  The grass is not green

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isanni]

Sounds like she is abandoning you. She's in another country. Cutting you off.
I guess it would be helpful to define abandoning to validate your fear of having her think that.

Would replying with a "You sound hurt, frustrated and scared. I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you but am proud that you've been able to live abroad mostly with your own abilities and resources. I'm sorry you feel that the state you are in and your current feelings are my fault. There is nothing I can do about that. I pray each night that you get the help you need and deserve to be the person I know you can be. I will always love you."

At 35, I think you're done with having her bring you down ... .you can choose not to respond to her threats. Or you can choose to write something loving and then stop responding to her follow-up threats or mean notes. Personally, I don't respond to the hate anymore.

With a teen with BPD who threatens suicide, we bring her in and she stays in the ward and hates it and stops saying she is going to kill herself. At 35, I'm not sure I would take the responsibility for it. If you want to 'own it' then if you are certain - she has a plan, her friends are freaking out, she's tried before, you call the 911 equivalent in her country and she will either be suidical and get the help she needs at that moment or will tell them you're crazy.

It's painful. Why do you feel so responsible for her?

[Only Human]

Hello Mom-daughter OOC 

I'd like to welcome you to BPD Family. I'm so sorry for what brings you here but I'm glad you found us and are reaching out for support.

It must be very painful to read her emails where she is blaming you for "everything," yet you are here, asking for advice on how you can help your daughter - it's clear that you care very deeply for her. I'm glad you are here, you don't have to do this alone.

We are all learning together how we can communicate more effectively with our loved ones, learning all we can about BPD and supporting each other along the way.

You ask, "what to do with suicide threats?" and it sounds like you've been proactive there, calling for a welfare check. Here is a thread that talks about Suicide Ideation in others, it may give you some peace of mind, to have a plan for how to respond.

Suicide ideation in others

she hates on me with every email I send.

I'm so sorry your daughter is lashing out at you in this way, two weeks of hateful emails and blocking you from most ways of communicating with her. What led up to these emails? What do you think is different about now vs previously, when she had bad episodes and worked them out?

I hope you stick around and become comfortable here - we understand better than anyone else and are here to support you.

Again, Welcome!

~ OH

[Momofadultbpd]

Check out the ketamine thread. It is an excellent treatment for suicidal ideation.

[Mom-daughter OOC]

Thank you everyone for your responses.  I have read a number of books on the subject and with each hateful email have replied telling her how sorry I am she is hurting so and that I love her and we can work out a plan together to get to a better place.  I have no idea what started this whole thing other then she was on a television show, (one of those "got talent shows") said something pretty bane that was slightly misinterpreted and decided it was the end of the world.  I chatted with her the whole next day but the following day I was meeting up with my girlfriend who has a husband dying and did not  message my daughter that day.  She was outraged at my leaving her out in the cold and has been raging since.  This was 11 days ago.  The only way we can currently communicate is through email.  I have asked her numerous times what I can do to help and she just sends me google stuff about how a person threatening suicide cannot help themselves but offers nothing I can do.  It has crossed my mind that she is trying to tell me to fly over but I cannot drive there, do not know how healthcare works, if I walked my way to her place I don't even know the code to get into her living complex and would not be at all surprised if I did get in she wouldn't allow me in.  She criticizes me for reading books rather then Googling information but I really wanted to read from people who have done some real research.  Google can often just be someones opinion.  Anyway, after the constant abuse I found myself starting to get angry two days ago and just had to stop responding.  Just looking for some input that it is alright for me to not respond when she is saying anything she can to hurt me as much as possible.  I have done nothing but try to support her the best I can and at this great distance I am limited. The police did report back to me she was fine on their welfare check and she was furious I called them and put on her "academy performance" she promised to do if they did show up.   Thank you again for any input you can give me.  I am starting to see a counselor to reconcile things and hopefully put things in perspective so I can do the right thing and feel ok with it.

[Isanni]

Your perspective today sounds very solid, sane, and even helpful to your daughter long term. I've learned quickly that they will test and poke as much as we let them. So happy for you that you have a counsellor/therapist now!

[wendydarling]

Hi Mom-daughter OOC

I'm so sorry your daughter is lashing out at you, weeks of hateful emails, I'd feel hurt and angry too. Along with Isanni I'm glad you're reaching out for support with a counsellor, you are so right you need to feel ok about it 

When she previously had bad episodes and worked them out, how did she do this?

WDx

[Mom-daughter OOC]

I only recall one other really bad episode and at the time she had a loser unemployed boyfriend that devoted himself to "helping her" and she finally got her meds changed.  Previously she has caught herself before she got into the "red" zone this far and made the appropriate adjustments.  Currently on day 3 not hearing from her and I'm half relieved/half worried since I have no idea if she is improving or a rotting body in her apartment.  I'm trying to convince myself that there is nothing I can really do that I haven't already done but it is just miserable living each day feeling hurt, anger, worry, guilt, and depression.  Just don't seem to have the coping skills to do more then make it through the day, then make it through the horrible dreams at night.  I'd do anything to help her but in my heart I believe she is the only one that can help herself. A part of me would like to send an email to the affect that I will be there when she is ready to tackle this but not knowing her state of mind I'm hesitant. 

[Momofadultbpd]

Please take some time to research ketamine and suicide. It’s saving lives. Your daughter’s life and yours could be back on track in a few hours. There’s no downside. If it doesn’t work, you are back in the same place. If it does work, you are on the road to healing. It saved my daughter’s life. Yes, ours is just one story
But the ketamine thread shares other stories. And ketamine clinics have stories on their websites. Yes, they are in business to make money. (Who isn’t?). But ketamine clinics were
Born out of a sense of hopelessness and desperation to do something for mental illness,particularly the suicide epidemic, because conventional therapy and drugs were failing miserably.

I know hopelessness and desperation. That’s why we tried it. Maybe you aren’t there yet? But hopeless and desperate people will try anything—at least ketamine is safe (50 year history of using it in hospitals as an anesthetic).

You’ve got nothing to lose. Read up on ketamine. Read my thread MomofadultBPD and see how desperate I was on October 2. And then we did ketamine and DBT.

And then I stopped posting online  around late Nov early Dec. why?  Because life was GREAT!  There was no longer any need to go online and pour out my pain—I was too busy enjoying life with my daughter and family.

I’m sorry I dropped the ball and didn’t tell everyone how our story turned out. But I’m trying to get the word out now.

[Momofadultbpd]

I wrote this on Oct22:

I am hopeful that the DBT (via a new therapist) and the ketamine will be a godsend. She can be the  most loving daughter and the most evil villain back and forth in a day.

I don’t believe in miracles but I could use some encouragement that the DBT and/or the ketamine can make a difference in the suicidality. When she is not thinking about killing herself she is an extraordinary woman.

I’m coping. But I’m losing hope. She has almost convinced me that her pain is so severe on a daily basis that only the cruelest of mothers would insist on her continuing to stay alive. She wants my validation of her reasons to kill herself. I’ve come close several times under unrelenting pressure of verbal and emotional abuse.

I never fight back because I cannot match her strength and energy when she is all revived up and fighting for the “right to die”. She always fights me to the point that I am curled up in a ball hiding in my closet begging her to stop assaulting me (verbally and emotionally). It usually ends when she finally takes enough tranquilizers to put her to sleep. A typical episode lasts 8-12 hours and occasionally lasts until the next day.

She’s always sorry. But then she will do it again soon after.

Now that’s she’s 30 I am trying to limit myself to an hour of this kind of confrontation. But it hasn’t been successful. I get sucked in because she starts the suicide talk. As long as I am in the room she’s alive.

But this can’t keep happening. It’s no better now than when she was 15. I am desperate for the DBT and ketamine to do something.

[Mirsa]

Hi Mom--daughter OOC, 

It sounds as though you are doing what you can.  Does it seem reasonable for a 35 yo to contact her mother in another country and expect her to take care of her?  At age 35?  Isn't this the age when children start to help take care of their parents?  There is a statute of limitations on taking care of a child, and imo, she has more than reached it.   Blaming you for not being available to her whenever she wants it simply isn't reasonable.  This is gaslighting.  She is acting like a toddler who is having a tantrum.  The emails also do not sound reasonable. 

I personally know how incredibly easy it is to second-guess ourselves, and it sounds like you've taken many of her criticisms to heart (Googling for information versus reading books).  You do not need to defend yourself to a 35-yo who cannot take care of herself.  Actually, you do not need to defend yourself to anyone, much less your offspring.  I won't call her a child, because she is no longer a child, although she is indeed behaving like one. 

Perhaps you've already had all these thoughts, but I know it helps me when someone else can read or listen to the craziness my BPD DD says or does and then validate me by saying, "that behavior is wrong and you don't have to tolerate it."  I hope that is what you have heard me saying, and I hope it's come across without judgement.  We've all been there, and it's so easy for me to second-guess myself, my judgement, my reality.  So, just once more for the road:  she's an adult, who has chosen to live in another country, with all of the responsibilities and consequences of living away from family that come with that decision.  You can love her from a distance, but love yourself first.

Hugs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Momofadultbpd]

Another great source of what your role is in dealing with a person with BPD is Walking on Eggshells. It will give you permission to take care of yourself, set boundaries, and enforce them.

There is a high suicide rate with BPD. When I read Walking on Eggshells it helped me start accepting the fact that my daughter will probably eventually kill herself no matter what I do. So I need to take care of myself at the same time I learn different ways to respond to her threats.

And then she did ketamine and our nightmare is over. But I continue to do all the things suggested in Eggshells and start a new healthy relationship with my daughter. It’s working beautifully.