stealing

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi everyone! First post, not really sure what to expect... .Anyway, what do you do when your child (20 years old) steals? Money. Jewellry, anything really... .

[mamabolivia]

Hi everyone! First post, not really sure what to expect... .Anyway, what do you do when your child (20 years old) steals? Money. Jewellry, anything really... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi mamabolivia and

You've come to the right place for support in coping with an adult child with BPD traits.

Has your child received a diagnosis? Is s/he stealing from you? From others? From business establishments? It will help to give us some more information so we know how to best advise you.

Again, welcome! I'm glad you're here.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi mama Bolivia

I’ve been there so many times. It’s just such a horrible feeling as my emotions swung from sheer sadness, rage and then contempt and resentment. My son didn’t get dx until he was 24.

Why did my son steal?

Not because he didn’t love me. He stole because he needed the money. It’s that simple. Afterwards of course, like a small child, he’d feel bad. If I challenged he’d feel terrible and his shame would be overwhelming. So much so, he’d be off balance for many many days. He has BPD so feelings = facts.

What did I do? I stuck to the truth. He stole money because 1. He wasn’t earning or he wasn’t managing his money well. 2. He had no respect for money because it came to him easily. 3. Is been too quick to give him money to “help” him.

I stopped giving him money.  I put anything of value away and I watched my purse like a hawk. I gave him free bed and board so he had a home. I then waited - because there was no way he could live his life without money for cigarettes, weed, phone etc.

I got to work here learning how I could focus on improving my relationship with my adult son24. He’s now 28 and living in a half way situation, working and managing his own money. He had no need to steal from us. Getting to this place takes a lot of baby steps. This form helped me and my family. I hope you stick around.

Welcome, you’ve come to the right place. I bet you’re feeling exasperated and a lot of other things. Your situation can improve.

LP

[mamabolivia]

My youger daughter was dx 1.5 years ago. She is a non-functioning "quiet" BPD. She has stolen for many years now. Money in the house, things of friends, acquantances she "liked" , at work - pretty much all the cash for a week. A close friend is staying with us and 200 dollars went missing - she has never said the words "I took it". and last night I realised a strip of my sleeping pills was gone. I was screamed at, tried to gaslight me, the drama queen came out and she tipped out all her drawers to prove she hadn't taken them. There will be suicide threats today, self-harm and far too many eggshells. She will not see a therapist "they're all cruel", cannot hold down a job for mre than 3 weeks, will not finish school. AAAAAAAAAGH!

[Lollypop]

Hi there mommabolivia

You’ve got a drama going on there that’s for sure. It’s so upsetting I know. I used to have some humdinger of arguments too when son was younger and I didn’t understand BPD.

I did some reading here and learning that he can’t help the way he behaves calmed me down. This is the first but very important step.

When I reacted, the drama increased getting us both nowhere but very upset. It was just wasted energy.

I had to change my approach. I got clever and practical. I took control over myself.

You’ve said: you walk on eggshells, she won’t see a therapist and can’t hold down a job. I’ve been in the exact place you are. My son is also a quiet BPD.

What does your daughter spend the money on?  How old is she?

Hugs

LP

[mamabolivia]

She's 20. Spends it on pot, tattoos, going out with friends. I just wondered what you do to keep sane. I understand it's the disease not the person. But the lying to my face, the gaslighting, do you think they are actually in a type of "trance" when they do it? I know my daughter has a good moral compass but it goes so askew when she hits the impulses. So she took a strip of my sleeping pills (the money has run out for pot), when I asked for them back and if there was anything I could do to help her with sleep problems (mine's menopausal insomnia), she told me she hadn't taken them and that I'd probably forgotten that I'd taken them "because those pills make you forget things". I can't even be bothered to write how I know I didn't take them as it's all too boring really!
Anyway, thank you all so much for your kind responses. Today is a new day and we'll all get through it!
   

[Lollypop]

Hi mommab

Well, to be honest I stopped asking questions. I knew they were rarely honest answers. He’d either tell me what I wanted to hear or downright lie because he knew I’d react.

I used to talk about a moral compass. My son knows right from wrong but he has a skewed sense of entitlement. If he needs something, then he feels it’s ok whilst at the same time knowing it’s wrong leading him to feel guilty. Very often Having BPD means youre impetuous. My son seeks thrills to feel stimulated.

I do it. If I’ve had a tough day I’ll think I deserve a glass of wine or a piece of cake. His drug of choice is now skunk.

I just wondered what you do to keep sane.

I stopped making him the centre of my world. I looked outwards, and did things I enjoyed. I took a part time art course. I learnt that I was demonstrating to my family how to live and take better care of my own needs. It raised a few eyebrows I can tell you! I’d spent my life putting everybody else first and it made us all miserable!

Drugs are part of my son’s life. He’s in pain.

Yes, each day is a new start. Onwards we go. We all are doing our best, including my son and your daughter. We can all do a bit better though.

Do you get any time for yourself?
What do you say to your daughter when she steals?

LP

[mamabolivia]

So much to say!
When she steals I smply tell her I know she stole X. She rages, threatens, cries, lies. I sit and watch. Then I tell her that if she needs anything, like therapy, a hug, whatever, she can have it. Then I leave.  Yes, the moral compass thing. She knows right from wrong - I suppose it's the impulsivity and the need. I've been spending time watching cycles, which helps. Yes, I do a lot of things for myself (because I'm a selfish, uncaring mother who's NEVER there for her). Well, I am sending much light and love to all of you reading this. This is one tough life problem for all of us.

[Mirsa]

Hi there,

I invested in a quality lockbox that I keep in my bedroom, but she eventually learned to pick the lock and I had to get another.  But, I keep tabs on my cash, wallet, and all meds are locked up at all times.  I keep one key hidden in a place she'd never look as a back-up and the other key stays in my bra when she is around.  I also make sure that our finances and financial accounts are completely separate.  For example, she has a checking account attached to mine that I am going to request she move to a new account soon.  I don't want my finances vulnerable to her in any way.  I change my passwords often.   I refuse to give her cash or financial support in any way.  She is high-functioning BPD and has managed to keep a job for the past several months and is doing well right now, and even better, is not living with me.   I learned my lessons the hard way over the course of three years, and hope some of these strategies are of benefit to you.

And yes, it goes without saying, that she did learn and was taught right from wrong, and how to behave with integrity.  This was both explicitly taught to her and also modeled by me.  I have to admit, different lessons were modeled by her father, and perhaps she picked up her self-serving behaviors from him.  And that sense of entitlement... .?  it's so obnoxious. Apparently, because I gave birth to her 18 years ago, everything that I earn and have should be hers.  Well, she is slowly learning otherwise, and I wish you all the best in gaining some financial security and safety for yourself.  You can do it!