Can I Force Paternity Test? Wife cheated, Walked Out, NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,
Long story short I met my wife 4 years ago, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  She was 24 I was 29.  We dated and moved in together.  Moved to a new city together over a 1,000 miles from our families.  Got engaged and planned a wedding for a over year.  

Like many of you it was a whirl-wind romance.  I had never met anyone like her.  I thought she was the one etc... .etc... You know how it goes.

We got married in March of last year, 2018.  I was so happy, I thought I was starting my life with my soul mate.  By June, not even a full 3 months after the wedding, I found out she was having a full-blown affair with a man in his 50s that is also a member of a quasi-religious cult.  He was her supervisor for a music program she was doing.  A program, of course, I was paying for, not to mention everything else in our lives.  

When i confronted her about the affair it was the exact opposite reaction I would have expected.  She showed zero remorse or sense of wrong doing, she was in fact enraged at me for finding out and exposing her. It was like a person I did not even know, much less just spent the last 3 years of my life living everyday with and marrying.

She packed her bags and left that night and moved in with the 50 y.o. guy.  She cut off all contact with me, members of her family, and friends she had known for over a decade, as easily as one might wash their hands.

I now see all the signs of BPD (or NPD) in retrospect.  Her trust issues, her rages, no real empathy, gaslighting, her lying and blame shifting, parasitic lifestyle, just everything.  I always just told myself she was just difficult, but she could be so loving and wonderful and beautiful at times that it all seemed worth it, that she would just grow out of it or something.  I just wanted those good times back!

After she left, like many of you, I was absolutely devastated, bewildered, lost.  I thought surely it had to be some fluke.  Or that this guy had brain washed her to be part of his cult or something.  I sent her emails, texts, flowers, begging her to just come back, apologizing TO HER for whatever it was that I had done.  I was in deep.  After A LOT of therapy and time I am starting to come to terms and see things clearly.  My search for answers lead me to this forum which has shed a lot of light on her behaviors.

Here is the kicker

About a month after she left I found out she was pregnant.  She does not know I know that she is pregnant.  I also found out that while we were together she had quit taking her birth control and never told me!  I recently found out the due date of the child.  It would put it almost exactly 40 weeks from the last time her and I had had sex, the weekend before I found out about the affair. (she also went on a secret trip with the scumbag that same weekend, lying to me of course saying she had been invited to a yoga retreat by an older woman she taught music lessons to).

So really it seems to me like it is a 50/50 chance that it is my child.  Given the guys age and that he also apparently smokes a lot of marijuana his sperm count is probably garbage, which I would think would shift the odds even more towards me potentially being the father.

She has not spoken to me directly since leaving.  She has said nothing about the pregnancy and I am sure she is lying to the guy and saying it is absolutely his and saying that her and I were not even having sex.

I also found out, that had I not uncovered the affair when I did.  That she had already been planning to disappear and move in with the guy the following week while I was at work and never even tell me.  I thank God everyday I did find out as I would have spent the rest of my life wondering and never knowing the truth.

The strange thing is I very clearly remember the last time we had sex because she came out of the shower that morning and point blankly asked me "Hey want to have sex", Which she has never done before.  Of course I said yes!  I had no idea she had stopped taking birth control.  She then later that day left on that secret trip.  So in my mind I wonder if she is just truly that disturbed, F'ed up, w/e,  that she wanted to get pregnant on purpose with my child, never tell me, and then disappear and raise it with this man, telling him it was his.  

The crazy thing is the man she is having the affair with is one of the ugliest persons I have ever seen, not that looks are everything.  He's about 6 inches shorter than her, overweight, and mostly bald with a long ratty pony tail down his back.  Not trying to say I am anything special but I am 6'1", full head of hair, in good shape, decently good looking, a masters degree and a very well paying job.  If you were to look at this like a sociopath, from a purely sperm donor type perspective, there is zero chance some one would choose this other guy to be the genetic father of their child, given the option.

It has been almost 8 months now since she left.  I filed for divorce the day I found out about the pregnancy, of course she has been stone-walling and being as difficult as humanly possible in the divorce process, most likely because she is still on my health insurance and pregnant.

The question is  do I want to force a paternity test in court and find out if the child is mine?

My rational logical side tells me no.  If she wants to hide it and isn't claiming it is mine then let it go.  Based on her behavior I can only imagine what a living hell she would try to make my life if it was mine.  There's the financial aspect as well.  She is horrible with money and any child-support she got would immediately be spent on herself, she is in debt out her ass.  I have read absolute horror stories on this forum from people trying to co-parent or raise children with a BPD parent.

However, my heart tells me I can't just do that.  I can't just let go.  That I want to know if I have a child.  That I want to be apart of that child's life.  That it could maybe be incredibly rewarding even if its mother is a horrible person.

I am incredibly torn on this.  And there is of course always the possibility that IT'S NOT my child and it is the other guys, do I want to spend the rest of my life wondering that though?

Any feedback or personal experiences with this situation would be much appreciated.

[BeyondDevastated]

Hi all,
Long story short I met my wife 4 years ago, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  She was 24 I was 29.  We dated and moved in together.  Moved to a new city together over a 1,000 miles from our families.  Got engaged and planned a wedding for a over year.  

Like many of you it was a whirl-wind romance.  I had never met anyone like her.  I thought she was the one etc... .etc... You know how it goes.

We got married in March of last year, 2018.  I was so happy, I thought I was starting my life with my soul mate.  By June, not even a full 3 months after the wedding, I found out she was having a full-blown affair with a man in his 50s that is also a member of a quasi-religious cult.  He was her supervisor for a music program she was doing.  A program, of course, I was paying for, not to mention everything else in our lives.  

When i confronted her about the affair it was the exact opposite reaction I would have expected.  She showed zero remorse or sense of wrong doing, she was in fact enraged at me for finding out and exposing her. It was like a person I did not even know, much less just spent the last 3 years of my life living everyday with and marrying.

She packed her bags and left that night and moved in with the 50 y.o. guy.  She cut off all contact with me, members of her family, and friends she had known for over a decade, as easily as one might wash their hands.

I now see all the signs of BPD (or NPD) in retrospect.  Her trust issues, her rages, no real empathy, gaslighting, her lying and blame shifting, parasitic lifestyle, just everything.  I always just told myself she was just difficult, but she could be so loving and wonderful and beautiful at times that it all seemed worth it, that she would just grow out of it or something.  I just wanted those good times back!

After she left, like many of you, I was absolutely devastated, bewildered, lost.  I thought surely it had to be some fluke.  Or that this guy had brain washed her to be part of his cult or something.  I sent her emails, texts, flowers, begging her to just come back, apologizing TO HER for whatever it was that I had done.  I was in deep.  After A LOT of therapy and time I am starting to come to terms and see things clearly.  My search for answers lead me to this forum which has shed a lot of light on her behaviors.

Here is the kicker

About a month after she left I found out she was pregnant.  She does not know I know that she is pregnant.  I also found out that while we were together she had quit taking her birth control and never told me!  I recently found out the due date of the child.  It would put it almost exactly 40 weeks from the last time her and I had had sex, the weekend before I found out about the affair. (she also went on a secret trip with the scumbag that same weekend, lying to me of course saying she had been invited to a yoga retreat by an older woman she taught music lessons to).

So really it seems to me like it is a 50/50 chance that it is my child.  Given the guys age and that he also apparently smokes a lot of marijuana his sperm count is probably garbage, which I would think would shift the odds even more towards me potentially being the father.

She has not spoken to me directly since leaving.  She has said nothing about the pregnancy and I am sure she is lying to the guy and saying it is absolutely his and saying that her and I were not even having sex.

I also found out, that had I not uncovered the affair when I did.  That she had already been planning to disappear and move in with the guy the following week while I was at work and never even tell me.  I thank God everyday I did find out as I would have spent the rest of my life wondering and never knowing the truth.

The strange thing is I very clearly remember the last time we had sex because she came out of the shower that morning and point blankly asked me "Hey want to have sex", Which she has never done before.  Of course I said yes!  I had no idea she had stopped taking birth control.  She then later that day left on that secret trip.  So in my mind I wonder if she is just truly that disturbed, F'ed up, w/e,  that she wanted to get pregnant on purpose with my child, never tell me, and then disappear and raise it with this man, telling him it was his.  

The crazy thing is the man she is having the affair with is one of the ugliest persons I have ever seen, not that looks are everything.  He's about 6 inches shorter than her, overweight, and mostly bald with a long ratty pony tail down his back.  Not trying to say I am anything special but I am 6'1", full head of hair, in good shape, decently good looking, a masters degree and a very well paying job.  If you were to look at this like a sociopath, from a purely sperm donor type perspective, there is zero chance some one would choose this other guy to be the genetic father of their child, given the option.

It has been almost 8 months now since she left.  I filed for divorce the day I found out about the pregnancy, of course she has been stone-walling and being as difficult as humanly possible in the divorce process, most likely because she is still on my health insurance and pregnant.

The question is  do I want to force a paternity test in court and find out if the child is mine?

My rational logical side tells me no.  If she wants to hide it and isn't claiming it is mine then let it go.  Based on her behavior I can only imagine what a living hell she would try to make my life if it was mine.  There's the financial aspect as well.  She is horrible with money and any child-support she got would immediately be spent on herself, she is in debt out her ass.  I have read absolute horror stories on this forum from people trying to co-parent or raise children with a BPD parent.

However, my heart tells me I can't just do that.  I can't just let go.  That I want to know if I have a child.  That I want to be apart of that child's life.  That it could maybe be incredibly rewarding even if its mother is a horrible person.

I am incredibly torn on this.  And there is of course always the possibility that IT'S NOT my child and it is the other guys, do I want to spend the rest of my life wondering that though?

Any feedback or personal experiences with this situation would be much appreciated.

[Turkish]

That's a brutal story and in sorry that they did that to you.  

This seems to be a good summary of the issue of paternity tests,  which can vary given the state:

https://dnatesting.com/legal-refuse-paternity-test/

If I were in your shoes,  I'd likely want to pursue this, but it will also likely involve much drama,  legal and emotional.  

Say you do nothing? And get a knock on your door 16 years from now from a teenager who may or may not be your kid.  Tough stuff, though I would place responsibility squarely on the shoulders of Mommy.  

And as you said,  she doesn't know that you know.  

[GaGrl]

My DH is about 95% certain that his oldest child is not his bio son. He chose to stay with his uBPD/BPD then-wife and there has never been any doubt as to his love for that son.

There were very deliberate decisions along that path. You have your own decisions to make. What do you see as your decisions?

[ForeverDad]

As I recall, my final decree required my ex to state whether she was pregnant at the time.  I would think your spouse would have to state whether her pregnancy was a product of the marriage, or not.

Hasn't your lawyer advised you how pregnancies during a divorce are addressed?  For example, if she claims it isn't yours and no testing is done, can she come back years later (say, when she's dumped by the new guy) changing her story?  That's an obvious complication the court doesn't want to blow up in their faces later.  (Potential custody and parenting issues would impact the next 18 years.)  It ought to be simple to require a DNA test.

If DNA test is done outside of a court order, then make sure the company doing it is one approved or recognized by the court so it doesn't have to be done twice or cause more delays.

[HouseDad3]

BeyondDevastated,

I, too, am sorry to hear of your difficult situation.  I am currently in the middle of a very difficult divorce with my wife (who also cheated with many men - eventually contracting an STD.).

I have three teens whom are with me in temporary housing because they are terrified to be around her and her self destructive behaviors.

If I were in your shoes, knowing how a BPD partner behaves while “being a mother” to children, I would want to know who’s baby she is carrying.   Then if it were mine, I would pursue custody of the child to ensure the child isn’t primarily raised by a BPD mother. 

I say this after seeing the emotional damage my wife has inflicted upon my kids and our family relationships.

HouseDad3

[ForeverDad]

If I were in your shoes, knowing how a BPD partner behaves while “being a mother” to children, I would want to know who’s baby she is carrying.   Then if it were mine, I would pursue custody of the child to ensure the child isn’t primarily raised by a BPD mother.

I say this after seeing the emotional damage my wife has inflicted upon my kids and our family relationships.

In my prior post I focused on the legal aspects.  Most, if not all, members here would encourage you to step forward to parent your child, once you determine whether it is yours.  That is your decision of course.  I worry that even if you feel you could walk away now that years later you would regret not being there for your child, if it is yours.

If you confirm it is yours, you should not feel you ought to remain married to her.  You already know she will not remain faithful to you, yes, that is a common trait many of us have faced.  Better to be divorced and parenting your child so he or she has a least some of his/her life with you in a calm and stable home.

I know there is at least one state that concludes that once you know it is not your child and you continue to be the legal parent and/or provide child support as though it were your own, it won't let you later decide not to be its responsible 'parent'.  So better to know for sure whose the baby is and get it correct from the beginning.  Lots of legal permutations and perhaps procedures too so have a capable (proactive) lawyer provide advice and guidance.

Though we are not lawyers — we are peer support — we've been there and done that.  Keep bouncing questions off us, that's why we're here, we are "paying it forward" just as we were helped in our times of need in the past.

[Nope]

Depending on your location, you could be in a very awkward position, legally. Several states will force the man the woman is married to into paying child support and there is often a limited amount of time where the court will consider the findings of a DNA test. In some states you only have two years after the child's birthday to address the issue of paternity and if it isn't done in that time then the court finds it in the child's best interests that the presumptive father continue to pay child support even if a DNA test finds he is not the father in fact. You should speak to your lawyer and find out very clearly what the laws are in your jurisdiction. Assuming she is still living in your jurisdiction and hasn't moved somewhere that might be more favorable to her. Once the baby is born, jurisdiction in any custody/paternity case needs to be figured out.

The one thing you can be sure of is that if you do nothing it will come back to bite you. If not in a few months, then in a few years. Much like with finding out about the cheating itself, it's best to get in front of this.

[BeyondDevastated]

Thank you all for the responses.

I agree that if I do not find out now it may potentially haunt me never knowing, especially since I am somewhat convinced that it is mine.

There is no chance we are staying married, as she has already been living with the man she was cheating with for the last 8 months.

My fear is that if I do find out and it is mine, I am stuck with paying child-support and trying to co-parent that child with a completely irrational and unstable person, essentially for the rest of my life.  I honestly want nothing to do with her.

I know it seems callous and maybe even cowardly, but if I have the option I'd almost rather not know in some sense for my own safety, sanity, and quality of life.  I certainly have a rescuer complex as I think that's what drew me to her to begin with.

She has already been horribly slandering me to her friends and family saying that I am a drug addict and that I am not mentally well and that I was emotionally abusive.  None of this is remotely true and if anything is projection on her part. 

I can only imagine how she will try to turn the child against me, she has zero empathy and is totally narcissistic.  The child will become a pawn in a power struggle and that seems so sad and horrible to me that maybe it is better for me to stay out of it.  Though given her condition I doubt the relationship with the man she had the affair with will last long either. 

I live in MA, and I know the state legally considers me the father for any child born up to 300 days after the divorce.  The thing is she is hiding the pregnancy from the court and the legal proceedings and I am sure she will not tell the hospital she is married. 

This is so hard.

[worriedStepmom]

You would need to discuss this with your L, but I think the fact that she is hiding the pregnancy would be a big point in your favor to try to get custody of the child if it is yours.  It's obvious that she doesn't want you involved and is going to be difficult.

Again, I'm not a L, but I think you are going to have to demand a paternity test.  If your state legally considers you the father, then she can come back years from now and demand child support (and probably back child support)from you, regardless of whether you share DNA with the child.  This baby is a tool for her to make your life miserable for the next 18 years, whether you insist on a paternity test now or not, and whether she acknowledges the child now or not.

Please consult with your L, and, if possible, with a therapist.  This is a highly emotional decision, and it's best to have experts in your corner to help guide you to make the best decision possible.

[BeyondDevastated]

Thank you for the response.

I had not thought about the possibility of her pursuing back-paid child support years from now.

[ForeverDad]

I had not thought about the possibility of her pursuing back-paid child support years from now.

There have been cases in the past, I don't recall which states, where the mother sought welfare and other support from the government and so the government, in turn, sought out the father to reimburse or pay.

These days maybe the government doesn't care as much, seemingly willing to dole out money wherever, but you don't want to be caught in the middle if either G or M seeks you out.

To address another issue... .you seem resigned to be an alternate weekend dad at best.  Yes, that may be how your state usually does things.  But all is not lost.  If you have solid strategies and a proactive lawyer on your side, it could turn out better than you fear.

My story:  I had alternate weekends during my separation and divorce process.  It was tough, over two years and too many allegations for me to count them all.  Then the final decree had me at joint custody and equal time.  Three years later I had gone back to court and became full Legal Guardian, no more joint custody.  She still kept misbehaving so back to court and two years later I also got majority time during the school year.  Sure, it took several years but the end result was far better than seemed possible at the start.

[BeyondDevastated]

ForeverDad thanks for the response.  Yes from reading a lot of the statutes and legal docs for my state I have pretty much resigned to the idea of only having partial visitation if I was involved at all.  The states laws seem very stacked against men as far as custody.

Regardless, it's something I need to discuss with my lawyer, meeting next week to discuss strategy in detail.

From what I read the state is very unlikely to change the residing status of the child unless there is very clear neglect and abuse.  The ex is extremely good at hiding things and most people that meet her are instantly enchanted by her charm and beauty.  This is not an exaggeration, complete strangers go out of their way to tell her how beautiful she is.

Cheating on your husband with a 50 y.o. man in a cult is just sh*ty  behavior, and sh*t behavior is not grounds for custody unless it affects the child negatively from what I understand.

I could foresee her very cunningly hiding any abusive or neglectful behavior or even trying to make me out to be the abusive one.

The ex's father was abusive to her growing up and I so clearly see the impact of that now on her life,  abuse tends to perpetuate cycles.

Anyways yeah who knows what the future will hold and its stuff I need to discuss at length with my attorney.

Thanks for the input.

[ForeverDad]

I recall posting this back in 2009:

One quote about Massachusetts by a parent in the (2006 DVD) PBS documentary Kids & Divorce: For Better or Worse (largely fair, produced in response to a prior piece that was claimed pro-mother and lacked background research) was that the one who got custody wore a skirt.

From Amazon summary:  "Hosted by journalist Dave Iverson, Kids & Divorce examines the emotional and legal aftermath of divorce, seeking to answer: What's best for the kids? In their own voices, parents and children tell their stories of facing divorce's fallout. This special explores the pros and cons of joint custody, looks at efforts to reform how custody is decided in the judicial system, and examines how divorce education programs are helping both parents and kids."

On the other hand, if you don't fight strategically and proactively, for sure you probably won't get much.  Crucially, find a good proactive, experienced-in-court lawyer and have an array of time-tested strategies, many of which you'll find here in peer support.  You may very well walk out (eventually) with a decent order.

[DjD4u]

Hello,

Sadly these stories of using kids to be a weapon of sorts is very common place.


Honestly, you have a couple of choices in the DNA test.
This DNA lab is fully AABB accredited, and court approved in all 50 states.
They're about the most inexpensive and most trusted DNA testing lab in the USA is https://www.paternityusa.com/
 
You can get - Home paternity testing for $115
This test is not court admissible, and so if you find that the child is in fact yours, you can run for the hills if you so desired to.

You can get -  Legal paternity testing for as little as $175
Since you were in a relationship, the judge will typically & easily grant performing a legal DNA. You just have to convince the judge of your desire to be a good parent to the child you believe to be yours.

This web-site also has valuable resources to help change the child's name and/or the paternity statutes in your state

GOOD LUCK!

[Grady]

When SS was born, BPD was still legally married to her wife.  Her wife agreed to wait to file for divorce until the baby was born so she would have medical coverage through the birth.  But, since she was married, H was not able to have his name put on the birth certificate.  BPD actually did put H's name on it at the hospital and they came back and removed it.  The law assumes the spouse is the parent.  Of course there was no way the wife was the father of SS, but the laws haven't evolved to this point.  The courts sought her ex-wife out and wanted her to come to court to testify under oath that she isn't the father of the baby.  It sounds crazy, but even with a dna test proving H was the father, it took a bit for the courts to acknowledge H as such.  And the courts will require you to pay child support even if the baby isn't yours if you were married at the time of conception.  I think it's best to have a legal dna test and have her acknowledge through the courts that you aren't the father (assuming that's what the dna test results prove).  Good luck. 

[ForeverDad]

As for child support, there are some states that conclude you are the father if you are viewed or portrayed as the parent, especially for a long period of time.  So if you have even the least doubt about your parenthood, get a paternal DNA test sooner rather than later.  And then act on it promptly if you're not the father.

https://family.findlaw.com/paternity/paternity-information-by-state.html

Of course, many fathers will state they're the father even if not a biological parent.  That's fine too.