The message you sent me this evening suggesting ‘I didn’t get it’ and how ‘analysing your whereabouts wasn’t okay’ started me thinking. I’m not sure it’s me who doesn’t get it or you who doesn’t ‘get it’. I’m not sure you get how the uncovering of years and years and years of systematic deceit might have a profound impact on an individual. At a base level everyone’s reality is precious to them. Ones reality is the very foundations a person makes choices and decisions off. A person can choose to warp facts and evidence and live in a twisted or false reality, I choose not to. I think psychology today sums it up very nicely how lies and deceit impacts someone:

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships

“Honesty is more than simply not lying. Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimization, and withholding feelings or information that is important to someone who has a right to know, because it affects the relationship and deprives that person of freedom of choice and informed action.”

Discovering that for some time I had been making decisions and choices based on deceitful information led me to attempt to seek my own truth, a more genuine reality. Having uncovered a consistent string of outright lies, half truths, embellishments and exaggerations (some of which you even believe yourself), I no longer look to you for the complete truth.

You seem strangely angry about my desire to have a complete truth with which to make decisions? Maybe if you were honest about your activities I might not feel inclined to enable these things? If I knew you were meeting C for the evening would I be so inclined to race home from work with a feeling of concern that I was holding you up from an important function, would I consider going out on a Sunday evening if I were to know for sure that you were going with C and your motivation was more to see him than worship God? Maybe if you were honest to your parents they would also not want to offer a helping hand either. See that’s the thing, given the full compliment of information people may not act in the way you want them to... .so contorting that information is actually manipulative... .it’s controlling... .it’s abusive.

I’m not keen on being a victim, I’m not keen on enabling either, I’m even less keen on being abused without even knowing it. I’m sorry (actually I feel sorry for you) that you feel the need to distort someone else’s reality to such a degree that it is insinuated that it’s ‘not okay’ to prove out someone’s lies. I wonder how many anti-brexit campaigners who scream foul play about mis-information/lies/manipulation/exaggerations in the brexit campaign might sympathise with my desire to ‘find the truth’.

You may not lie all the time, however, you have lied enough to me AND OUR CHILDREN (and yes, they are completely aware of your deceit) that you have cannibalised your own integrity. I uncover your deceit all the time, not through some devious means of ‘tracking’, private investigators or snooping.

Your deception is an annoyance for sure, but I’d imagine that the only person it eats up with such demonic poison... .is you. Your shame and guilt must be a heavy burden on you, not least because you have to manage everything you say and do to maintain continuity of narrative. I feel utterly sorry for you that you feel the need to live a life that requires this. Alas, I take no responsibility for this behaviour, I know it pre-dates me knowing you.

Some people choose to behave this way, some people believe they are entitled to get what they ‘need’ at the expense of other people’s reality. I didn’t think you were one of those people, but now I know you are. I grieve the loss of my ignorance. I believe you care little for how this impacts me, as you have devalued me to such a degree that I am nothing but vermin to you and deserve nothing more... .but what about our kids, what do you think your lies do to them? Our children are not idiots, they know, they see, and I’ve seen them call you out on your lies. What do you think the effects on children are when they see one thing and hear another? Maybe you could ask someone with psychological qualifications.

I’m comfortable with myself, I guess you might find that unbelievable. Do I lie, of course I do, am I accountable for those lies, YES. I don’t deserve for my reality to be twisted, nor will I go another day allowing you to determine it. Yes, I have known for many many many months and years that you have systematically attempted to contort my reality and yes, I am still here. I ‘allow’ you to lie to me unabated, why? Because I know the truth hurts you, and me knowing the truth hurts you even more... .because thats called shame and leads to guilt. One of has to stop trying to hurt the other.

James 1:13-14

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.

Galatians 6:1
6:1 Brothers, [1] if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Proverbs 12:19
19 Truthful lips endure forever,
but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

I didn’t send that letter.

I responded to her message avoiding all the noise about her movements being analysed, and us being ‘past that’ and just stated why I was calling her.

It’s 1am, I have to be up at 5am and she is not back... .but I have no ‘rite’ to analyse that apparently.

No right to wonder why your wife is out all night ? By whose rules?

Hers- the ones she makes up to justify what she’s doing.

But you were given a mind to think - and it’s not in her power to decide what you can and can not analyze.

I think for most couples -not just dysfunctional ones - that if one spouse was out all night with a certain friend - they would be thinking about it and probably not happy about it.

Reality is reality. She can think what she wants but it doesn’t make it real. She can think the sky is purple but if it’s blue- it’s still blue.

She doesn’t give you the right to know what you know.

This was the exact communication

Atepted phone call no answer

E - Can the girls have some of your birthday cake. I didn’t realise you were getting a lift tonight.

Successful phone call where she is off about what I want and trite about me asking about the cake. Eventually she says “I’m driving I was just dropping a birthday card off at someone’s house” and then hangs up

E - I apologise for jumping to negative conclusions. That was wrong of me.

Ew - I don’t think you get it. You shouldn’t be analysing what I’m doing. It isn’t actually anything to do with you whether or not I get lifts from people and I really don’t appreciate being tracked like that and receiving phone calls which are essentially to track me and apparently catch me out. We were supposed to be well past all this and I thought you knew that wasn’t okay. So the apology is for the wrong thing really... .I felt quite down and sad tonight anyway and it makes it even worse.

E - Now who’s jumping to negative conclusions. I rang because I wanted to find out if the girls could have some cake... .end of. I noticed the car was still there when I put the beef in the freezer.

I’m sorry to hear you feel sad and down tonight, that must suck around your 40th birthday. I’m sorry if you feel that I have done something to contribute to that. I have tried to give you as much privacy as possible around your special time.

Hope you have a good evening at church.


Thanks for your messages all,

FF, I don’t know where to start on what I would like to tell her but I guess if I had to pinpoint a couple of things it would be the  truth is important to people hence why people like to preserve it. If they cannot trust what they see and hear most will search the truth. She cannot stop me nor should she find it abusive that I wish to establish my true reality. Whoever she asks to support her practically, emotionally or physically will feel inclined to want to know the truth such that they make informed choices.

She has chosen to be deceitful in the past. It’s not that I believe everything she says is a lie, it’s likely not... .at this time I cannot take her word for it and she has made no attempt to make herself accountable such that I might be able to. Thus I feel compelled to verify my own truth.

She is not in a place to receive this email in any benificial way.

Enabler

Enabler, I am not sure what your goal is with her. I know you want to stay married and she has initiated a divorce at some point. Where is she with that?
 
This is my take on the conversation:
If, in her mind, she is no longer invested in the marriage, in love with someone else, then she isn't likely interested in maintaining some sort of civility with you about her whereabouts. As far as she is concerned, it's none of your business.

You want something different, but if she doesn't want to be civil or honest with you, she's not going to be. You could reason all you want with her, on the basis of decency, morality, but if she doesn't want to be transparent with you, she's not going to be.

Personally, if my spouse left me in charge of the kids to go entertain himself, without concern for me- I wouldn't call to ask if the kids could have cake. If you are in charge- that's your call. I could see her getting irritated and feeling as if you were bothering her. At the moment, if she's in "church" with OM, she probably doesn't care what you or the kids are doing. Yes, surely she cares if something serious were to happen, but I don't think she cares if they eat cake or not.

What she seems to want is a no strings attached situation. You're there to watch the kids, so she's free to go to "church"... .until 4 am. 

You are being the "nice" guy in these conversations while feeling resentful. Is this really what you are truly feeling ? "have a nice time at "church". or more like "sounds like BS to me". I think people can tell when we are not being authentic.

... .and I genuinely wished her a good time at Church, why would I not. It's the after party and company she might keep I do not wish her the best for.

Watched this the other day, I quite like his ruthless rational thought.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc_NNjV0s1o

Seeing what she has to go through on a daily basis with regards to guilt and shame, the mental gymnastics she has to put herself through to rationalise her behaviour... .I'm not sure there is such a thing as an extra marital affair without consequences. There are many things I could do (which would likely fail and have disastrous consequences for the level of conflict in our home) to expedite this process, however I am happy have chosen to maintain my current path and seek to maintain my own truth and my own integrity, whilst I believe that time, God, her own dishonesty and her own chaos will eventually bring her to her own low where reality and fantasy collide. She's spending a lot of time and effort maintaining the gap.

I accept that for now, what I would like regarding honesty and integrity are not going to happen... .how I learn to sit with that is my problem. One of the ways is to write letters to no one.

Enabler

Yep, in hindsight that would have been perfect communication. I dropped my guard and have been punished.

Great critique Notwendy.

FWIW, I prefer not to use the term 'know' as that leaves no opening for other potential scenarios... .likely or even probable. That's the beauty of the deception, I'm at home playing Daddy daycare unable to validate facts one way or another... .and even if I were able to in the rest of the worlds eyes that would be deemed as 'abusive'... .we're allll freeeeeee maaaaaan!

To follow up with what Cat said- this is what I meant by affair without consequences ( immediate ). The Youtube video is a good summary of the consequences of divorce- but these are long term consequences and also logical and rational. When someone is in the throes of a passionate affair- they aren't being rational. They are swept up in it- like a drug.

Every human is capable of being tempted, but there are things that stop us besides morals and faith and vows:

- We need to find someone to watch the kids.
- If our spouse finds out they will be hurt, and angry. ( you are but you don't say it)
- If our spouse finds out they will divorce us ( you won't do this)
- the kids would be raised in two households.
- the divorce would be expensive and nasty and use up our savings
- the kids will eventually find out and that will damage our relationship with them.  
- friends, family will be divided.
- who get the pets?
-what if we get an sexually transmitted infection?

Instead, your wife gets a free pass. You watch the kids, you know she's having an affair, but she can count on your being there for her.

As to other consequences. There is fantasy and there is real life: jobs, kids, bills. That's not glamorous. She and OM get to have the romance without having to put up with the stresses of a long term relationship.

Why would your wife change a thing? Although you are aware of the consequences of divorce ( and the video states them ). She won't have them- she isn't risking anything.

I know we've had these discussions and you are determined to see this out, but you don't have to make this easy for her. You could be genuinely busy on Sunday nights. Let her at least have to arrange babysitting. I know you don't want to hand her an easy divorce, but are you handing her an easy affair?

I didn't realize the tide was beginning to turn with OM.

I think you are correct about the relationship probably taking its course as time goes on and it gets complicated.

Perhaps you can work on other things- less JADE in conversations, less apologizing for things you didn't do ( she tends to take victim mode). Make your conversations "cleaner". I don't think you got "punished"- you stepped in the relationship muck and that's messy.

Even if the two of you completely reconciled, working on these things can only make it better. And if she did go through with her fantasy with OM- you would still be in contact with her. Maybe for spring- some plans for you? You can take up a hobby maybe, not always be available for her as a sitter- but not as a strategy for dealing with her- a reality- you have things to do to. A happier Enabler would be a good thing all around.

Why not suggest that you and she go chat with the pastor about church and changing how you guys attend... .

Is their relationship a "badly kept secret" in the church?

I think it was Notwendy's line about enabling her to have an "easy" affair that kinda hit home for me. 

FF

My h portrayed our marriage as "mutually abusive" to his church leadership, too. He felt abuse; specifically, he felt gaslighted when the stories that he made up based on how he felt were very different from what happened from my perspective. He also told them that I wasn't talking or communicating with him... . 

It's hard to learn to stop enabling our spouses' difficult behavior; we often have kind hearts.

Enabler,

Hey... I'm still trying to sort through what this may look like.  I think you should do some hard thinking/examine things from new perspectives about what "enabling" an affair looks like.

Especially in the context of a church setting. 

Perhaps "enabling hypocrisy"  is a better term for it.

Perhaps "enabling having her cake and eating it too"

(trying to jump start the thinking process)

Were you involved in the conversations with church leadership where your wife and OM were told to "stop it"?  If not... .how did you find out?

FF

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