Letter I wanted to send but didn’t

[Enabler]

The message you sent me this evening suggesting ‘I didn’t get it’ and how ‘analysing your whereabouts wasn’t okay’ started me thinking. I’m not sure it’s me who doesn’t get it or you who doesn’t ‘get it’. I’m not sure you get how the uncovering of years and years and years of systematic deceit might have a profound impact on an individual. At a base level everyone’s reality is precious to them. Ones reality is the very foundations a person makes choices and decisions off. A person can choose to warp facts and evidence and live in a twisted or false reality, I choose not to. I think psychology today sums it up very nicely how lies and deceit impacts someone:

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201801/how-secrets-and-lies-destroy-relationships

“Honesty is more than simply not lying. Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimization, and withholding feelings or information that is important to someone who has a right to know, because it affects the relationship and deprives that person of freedom of choice and informed action.”

Discovering that for some time I had been making decisions and choices based on deceitful information led me to attempt to seek my own truth, a more genuine reality. Having uncovered a consistent string of outright lies, half truths, embellishments and exaggerations (some of which you even believe yourself), I no longer look to you for the complete truth.

You seem strangely angry about my desire to have a complete truth with which to make decisions? Maybe if you were honest about your activities I might not feel inclined to enable these things? If I knew you were meeting C for the evening would I be so inclined to race home from work with a feeling of concern that I was holding you up from an important function, would I consider going out on a Sunday evening if I were to know for sure that you were going with C and your motivation was more to see him than worship God? Maybe if you were honest to your parents they would also not want to offer a helping hand either. See that’s the thing, given the full compliment of information people may not act in the way you want them to... .so contorting that information is actually manipulative... .it’s controlling... .it’s abusive.

I’m not keen on being a victim, I’m not keen on enabling either, I’m even less keen on being abused without even knowing it. I’m sorry (actually I feel sorry for you) that you feel the need to distort someone else’s reality to such a degree that it is insinuated that it’s ‘not okay’ to prove out someone’s lies. I wonder how many anti-brexit campaigners who scream foul play about mis-information/lies/manipulation/exaggerations in the brexit campaign might sympathise with my desire to ‘find the truth’.

You may not lie all the time, however, you have lied enough to me AND OUR CHILDREN (and yes, they are completely aware of your deceit) that you have cannibalised your own integrity. I uncover your deceit all the time, not through some devious means of ‘tracking’, private investigators or snooping.

Your deception is an annoyance for sure, but I’d imagine that the only person it eats up with such demonic poison... .is you. Your shame and guilt must be a heavy burden on you, not least because you have to manage everything you say and do to maintain continuity of narrative. I feel utterly sorry for you that you feel the need to live a life that requires this. Alas, I take no responsibility for this behaviour, I know it pre-dates me knowing you.

Some people choose to behave this way, some people believe they are entitled to get what they ‘need’ at the expense of other people’s reality. I didn’t think you were one of those people, but now I know you are. I grieve the loss of my ignorance. I believe you care little for how this impacts me, as you have devalued me to such a degree that I am nothing but vermin to you and deserve nothing more... .but what about our kids, what do you think your lies do to them? Our children are not idiots, they know, they see, and I’ve seen them call you out on your lies. What do you think the effects on children are when they see one thing and hear another? Maybe you could ask someone with psychological qualifications.

I’m comfortable with myself, I guess you might find that unbelievable. Do I lie, of course I do, am I accountable for those lies, YES. I don’t deserve for my reality to be twisted, nor will I go another day allowing you to determine it. Yes, I have known for many many many months and years that you have systematically attempted to contort my reality and yes, I am still here. I ‘allow’ you to lie to me unabated, why? Because I know the truth hurts you, and me knowing the truth hurts you even more... .because thats called shame and leads to guilt. One of has to stop trying to hurt the other.

James 1:13-14

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.

Galatians 6:1
6:1 Brothers, [1] if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Proverbs 12:19
19 Truthful lips endure forever,
but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

[Cat Familiar]

You didn't send that letter.

What did you communicate to her either verbally or in writing?

And what more do you plan on saying?

[Enabler]

I didn’t send that letter.

I responded to her message avoiding all the noise about her movements being analysed, and us being ‘past that’ and just stated why I was calling her.

It’s 1am, I have to be up at 5am and she is not back... .but I have no ‘rite’ to analyse that apparently.

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
A very insightful letter from you.
( i would love to read her response but i know it is not possible.)

How old are the children? How many of them?

They are taken into consideration by you i am sure.

Yes, sometimes we write letters that we never send.
These letters help us clear our own vision of the relationship.

Let us know what happened next?

Thank you.

[Notwendy]

No right to wonder why your wife is out all night ? By whose rules?

Hers- the ones she makes up to justify what she’s doing.

But you were given a mind to think - and it’s not in her power to decide what you can and can not analyze.

I think for most couples -not just dysfunctional ones - that if one spouse was out all night with a certain friend - they would be thinking about it and probably not happy about it.

Reality is reality. She can think what she wants but it doesn’t make it real. She can think the sky is purple but if it’s blue- it’s still blue.

She doesn’t give you the right to know what you know.

[formflier]

What did she say or communicate to you about tonight and her whereabouts?

   

I'm not against you sending a letter... .that one IMO is way too long.

What message would you want her to "hear" from you?

FF

[Enabler]

This was the exact communication

Atepted phone call no answer

E - Can the girls have some of your birthday cake. I didn’t realise you were getting a lift tonight.

Successful phone call where she is off about what I want and trite about me asking about the cake. Eventually she says “I’m driving I was just dropping a birthday card off at someone’s house” and then hangs up

E - I apologise for jumping to negative conclusions. That was wrong of me.

Ew - I don’t think you get it. You shouldn’t be analysing what I’m doing. It isn’t actually anything to do with you whether or not I get lifts from people and I really don’t appreciate being tracked like that and receiving phone calls which are essentially to track me and apparently catch me out. We were supposed to be well past all this and I thought you knew that wasn’t okay. So the apology is for the wrong thing really... .I felt quite down and sad tonight anyway and it makes it even worse.

E - Now who’s jumping to negative conclusions. I rang because I wanted to find out if the girls could have some cake... .end of. I noticed the car was still there when I put the beef in the freezer.

I’m sorry to hear you feel sad and down tonight, that must suck around your 40th birthday. I’m sorry if you feel that I have done something to contribute to that. I have tried to give you as much privacy as possible around your special time.

Hope you have a good evening at church.


Thanks for your messages all,

FF, I don’t know where to start on what I would like to tell her but I guess if I had to pinpoint a couple of things it would be the  truth is important to people hence why people like to preserve it. If they cannot trust what they see and hear most will search the truth. She cannot stop me nor should she find it abusive that I wish to establish my true reality. Whoever she asks to support her practically, emotionally or physically will feel inclined to want to know the truth such that they make informed choices.

She has chosen to be deceitful in the past. It’s not that I believe everything she says is a lie, it’s likely not... .at this time I cannot take her word for it and she has made no attempt to make herself accountable such that I might be able to. Thus I feel compelled to verify my own truth.

She is not in a place to receive this email in any benificial way.

Enabler

[Enabler]

Oh... .FF, she just said that she was going to church. Very high level.

She has a lot of form in missing out petinent information that might sway someone’s choices

[Notwendy]

Enabler, I am not sure what your goal is with her. I know you want to stay married and she has initiated a divorce at some point. Where is she with that?
 
This is my take on the conversation:
If, in her mind, she is no longer invested in the marriage, in love with someone else, then she isn't likely interested in maintaining some sort of civility with you about her whereabouts. As far as she is concerned, it's none of your business.

You want something different, but if she doesn't want to be civil or honest with you, she's not going to be. You could reason all you want with her, on the basis of decency, morality, but if she doesn't want to be transparent with you, she's not going to be.

Personally, if my spouse left me in charge of the kids to go entertain himself, without concern for me- I wouldn't call to ask if the kids could have cake. If you are in charge- that's your call. I could see her getting irritated and feeling as if you were bothering her. At the moment, if she's in "church" with OM, she probably doesn't care what you or the kids are doing. Yes, surely she cares if something serious were to happen, but I don't think she cares if they eat cake or not.

What she seems to want is a no strings attached situation. You're there to watch the kids, so she's free to go to "church"... .until 4 am. 

You are being the "nice" guy in these conversations while feeling resentful. Is this really what you are truly feeling ? "have a nice time at "church". or more like "sounds like BS to me". I think people can tell when we are not being authentic.

[Enabler]

I would not have called apart from the fact that it was her 40th Birthday cake. I know how annoying it can be when kids demolish a special cake/desert will ill regard for whether or not someone wants to eek it out. As far as I was concerned it wasn't in the communal pot, it was her to make the call on, but kids being kids they were pretty insistent. It was only 5 mins after she'd left so I didn't see the harm.

Re maintaining a cordial relationship, well the noises she makes are that of wanting to be civil with each other. I don't need to know all the gory details nor do i feel it is my 'rite' to know them, but a basic framework of honesty is a starting point. There have been times when she's rung me up on my commute home blasting me for making her late for going to see a friend, only for me to find out at a later date that she didn't see the friend at all and instead headed off in the opposite direction (I assume to see OM). I accepted a long time ago that I could not determine her choices, however, I can determine my own as long as the information set I receive is clean. The current situation means that I not only need to be conscious of my choices, but also conscious of the credibility of the information those choices are made on. a colleague made a good point:
 
"she is so wrapped up in her bubble that she doesn't see her lies/manipulation as just that.    She either believes them, or sees them as a necessary act to protect herself... .By pointing out her "lies".   If she lives in the bubble where she believes her lies, then you pointing out she is lying is you seeking to change her behaviour (and make the difficult step of admitting she is lying - something she can't see)"

In this situation I merely pointed out her propensity for deception rather than actually pointing to fact. I was not seeking to shame her although it would seem I did on reflection. I was running through my options of how to extract myself from enabling a situation and concluded that the best option would be to say I was going out every Sunday evening, which to me sounded pretty petty. this would force her to stay in or find alternative childcare whom she might have to lie to e.g. her parents.

FWIW it was 1am in the UK.

Enabler

[Enabler]

... .and I genuinely wished her a good time at Church, why would I not. It's the after party and company she might keep I do not wish her the best for.

[Notwendy]

Right, maybe she started out at church, but at 1:00 am - that doesn't sound like church to me.

What is your main goal here? You know she's seeing OM and she knows it. She's fine with it and doesn't seem to want to stop it. They both get to act like teen agers dating- no real responsibility like kids, mortgage.

Why do we not cheat? For some of us, it's our own principles, for others it's the consequences. How many people would indulge in a no strings attached fantasy romance with no consequences? I would venture to guess quite a few.

[Enabler]

Watched this the other day, I quite like his ruthless rational thought.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc_NNjV0s1o

Seeing what she has to go through on a daily basis with regards to guilt and shame, the mental gymnastics she has to put herself through to rationalise her behaviour... .I'm not sure there is such a thing as an extra marital affair without consequences. There are many things I could do (which would likely fail and have disastrous consequences for the level of conflict in our home) to expedite this process, however I am happy have chosen to maintain my current path and seek to maintain my own truth and my own integrity, whilst I believe that time, God, her own dishonesty and her own chaos will eventually bring her to her own low where reality and fantasy collide. She's spending a lot of time and effort maintaining the gap.

I accept that for now, what I would like regarding honesty and integrity are not going to happen... .how I learn to sit with that is my problem. One of the ways is to write letters to no one.

Enabler

[Notwendy]

So can we work on communication? This conversation seems to have some resentment overtones. On your part, it's to be as authentic as you can without calling her out, since you decided not to. If the reason for the call was the cake- then it took its own course into dysfunction.

E - Can the girls have some of your birthday cake. I didn’t realize you were getting a lift tonight.

That was the trigger " I didn't realize". If you are calling about cake, then just stick to the cake.

 “I’m driving I was just dropping a birthday card off at someone’s house” and then hangs up

You could say OK talk to you later.

E - I apologize for jumping to negative conclusions. That was wrong of me.

Enabler- I am going to be blunt here. Your wife just said to leave her alone and you are apologizing. This is like telling her to "kick me". The negative conclusion could be left out. It's actually not a negative conclusion. You know what she's doing and so does she. If you don't want to address it, then don't at all. This statement has triggered her into reacting:

Ew - I don’t think you get it. You shouldn’t be analyzing what I’m doing. It isn’t actually anything to do with you whether or not I get lifts from people and I really don’t appreciate being tracked like that and receiving phone calls which are essentially to track me and apparently catch me out. We were supposed to be well past all this and I thought you knew that wasn’t okay. So the apology is for the wrong thing really... .. I felt quite down and sad tonight anyway and it makes it even worse.  (VICTIM MODE)

E - Now who’s jumping to negative conclusions.I rang because I wanted to find out if the girls could have some cake... .end of. I noticed the car was still there when I put the beef in the freezer.
  (JADE- now you are in VICTIM MODE)

I’m sorry to hear you feel sad and down tonight, that must suck around your 40th birthday. I’m sorry if you feel that I have done something to contribute to that. I have tried to give you as much privacy as possible around your special time.

Hope you have a good evening at church.
  (now you are in RESCUER mode).


Here is the cleaned up version:  only about the cake:

E - Can the girls have some of your birthday cake?

“I’m driving I was just dropping a birthday card off at someone’s house” and then hangs up"


"OK thank you"

[Enabler]

Yep, in hindsight that would have been perfect communication. I dropped my guard and have been punished.

Great critique Notwendy.

FWIW, I prefer not to use the term 'know' as that leaves no opening for other potential scenarios... .likely or even probable. That's the beauty of the deception, I'm at home playing Daddy daycare unable to validate facts one way or another... .and even if I were able to in the rest of the worlds eyes that would be deemed as 'abusive'... .we're allll freeeeeee maaaaaan!

[Cat Familiar]

The way I see your situation, Enabler, is that you and your wife are operating on two nonlinear realities.

You are trying to be the honorable husband who is making amends for having expressed anger and frustration in the past and keeping his marital vows before God and the church. You are hoping that you efforts will be noticed and eventually appreciated by your wife and that she will have second thoughts about her affair with the other man.

Your wife, on the other hand, relishes playing the victim and collects "victim chits" wherever she can, often victimizing you, but claiming that she is the wronged one. Her zero-sum game mentality grants her special privileges such as reconciling her affair with following her church's teachings.

The path you've chosen, Enabler, is truly to enable her and her affair partner to have the time and space to carry on while you mind the children and take care of financial responsibilities. This could potentially continue until the children leave for university. She and her lover have a free pass and since she is not moving forward on the divorce (why would she?) there's not much chance of that relationship crashing and burning, due to having to survive on its own merits. You are providing all the resources to keep it afloat.

Wishing and hoping that things will go differently than they have is magical thinking.

[Notwendy]

To follow up with what Cat said- this is what I meant by affair without consequences ( immediate ). The Youtube video is a good summary of the consequences of divorce- but these are long term consequences and also logical and rational. When someone is in the throes of a passionate affair- they aren't being rational. They are swept up in it- like a drug.

Every human is capable of being tempted, but there are things that stop us besides morals and faith and vows:

- We need to find someone to watch the kids.
- If our spouse finds out they will be hurt, and angry. ( you are but you don't say it)
- If our spouse finds out they will divorce us ( you won't do this)
- the kids would be raised in two households.
- the divorce would be expensive and nasty and use up our savings
- the kids will eventually find out and that will damage our relationship with them.  
- friends, family will be divided.
- who get the pets?
-what if we get an sexually transmitted infection?

Instead, your wife gets a free pass. You watch the kids, you know she's having an affair, but she can count on your being there for her.

As to other consequences. There is fantasy and there is real life: jobs, kids, bills. That's not glamorous. She and OM get to have the romance without having to put up with the stresses of a long term relationship.

Why would your wife change a thing? Although you are aware of the consequences of divorce ( and the video states them ). She won't have them- she isn't risking anything.

I know we've had these discussions and you are determined to see this out, but you don't have to make this easy for her. You could be genuinely busy on Sunday nights. Let her at least have to arrange babysitting. I know you don't want to hand her an easy divorce, but are you handing her an easy affair?

[Enabler]

Cat and Notwendy, you both make some excellent points and I appreciate it’s infuriating trying to take this horse to the proverbial water. I’m okay with uncomfortable, heck I have dealt with enough uncomfortableness in the last 21yrs.

I know she is not happy and certainly not comfortable, although I’m part she feels comfortable in her discomfort if you know what I mean.

I know that the longer this goes on the more probable a poof moment is. Summer plans are already being discussed. Last nights disagreement went away, maybe through guilt of her nights escapades.

I sense she wants to do something about OM as she knows he’s an addiction, she suggested taking D10 to church on Sunday evenings with her, maybe this was a shield against him.

I know that overtly confronting her shame sends her spiralling into wanting to hurt me with divorce progression (although where she goes with it now without actually doing the divorcing bit I don’t know), or sees OM. You see in her mind I bet she believes she is trying to stop.

The trajectory has changed from the end of last year so things have changed. My T said that given the objective I am aiming for, the longer I persist the harder it will become to ignore her own chaos. The harder it will become for her to disguise any kind of inappropriate relationships she might have. The avenues and road are rapidly running out for her.

Do you guys remember the cage analogy BetterLanes (I believe) posted. It certainly summed up where I believe she’s at. A friend whom I know she speaks to a lot even said “keep the faith” to me last night.

Spring is coming and I need to start thinking about what I am going to do for me this year, need to get some things lined up.

Enabler

[Notwendy]

I didn't realize the tide was beginning to turn with OM.

I think you are correct about the relationship probably taking its course as time goes on and it gets complicated.

Perhaps you can work on other things- less JADE in conversations, less apologizing for things you didn't do ( she tends to take victim mode). Make your conversations "cleaner". I don't think you got "punished"- you stepped in the relationship muck and that's messy.

Even if the two of you completely reconciled, working on these things can only make it better. And if she did go through with her fantasy with OM- you would still be in contact with her. Maybe for spring- some plans for you? You can take up a hobby maybe, not always be available for her as a sitter- but not as a strategy for dealing with her- a reality- you have things to do to. A happier Enabler would be a good thing all around.

[Enabler]

More like an oil tanker turning... .or maybe more accurately turning the engines off for a while. I don't know what the score is with the OM and I guess like many relationships it has it's good weeks and bad weeks probably determined by whether or not my W feels a sense of guilt or a sense of justification for carrying on with him. I guess times like Sunday evening "push" him towards him and maybe there is a sense of punishment around that... ."Enabler's a controlling d!ck and OM is my sanctuary."

She very much takes the victim stance in almost everything. On the whole I try not to comment, especially when it's baseless. In case of her feeling down or unwell I offer sympathy and validation. I figure it's better to avoid invalidation by going about my business than say something that I inadvertently trip myself up over.

I want to buy a canoe and start going down local rivers and canals. Very peaceful and the kids enjoy it as well. I also need to start considering what I might do with a summer holiday... .I'd love to go to the US and repeat some trips we did as a couple... .Bryce Canyon, Capital Reef National Park, Yellowstone, Yosemite... .cool memory making stuff.

Enabler

[formflier]

I sense she wants to do something about OM as she knows he’s an addiction, she suggested taking D10 to church on Sunday evenings with her, maybe this was a shield against him.
 

Why not suggest that you and she go chat with the pastor about church and changing how you guys attend... .

Is their relationship a "badly kept secret" in the church?

I think it was Notwendy's line about enabling her to have an "easy" affair that kinda hit home for me. 

FF

[Enabler]

It’s a badly kept and very well defended secret in the church, billed as good friends in mutually abusive relationships offering support in desperate times for each ofher. Even the very suggestion of this discussion would send her off into a tail spin. There is just no way that she will have the honesty to tell the communication as it is to it’s full extent... .and nor does she have much in the way of need to. She has a narrative that everyone believes, there’s a limited amount of ‘evidence’, and there’s no desire on her part to be accountable.

A year + ago they did speak to other clergy to ask what they should do about their relationship and they were given the same message... .STOP IT. Since then she has chosen to petition for divorce, and apply for the decree nisi. Ever seen the documentary “Abducted in plain sight” on Netflix, it gave me the shivers, it’s that overt it’s imvisible... .so much so even his STBxW condoned the ‘friendship’... .until she didn’t. They have a very strong deluded narrative which ignores a lot of their communication and says ‘we’re just mates’ when mates rarely suggest they can only be together in heaven, that they are soul mates etc etc etc.

The label of abusive puts me in a tricky spot since it means she is well supported as a victim. Her narrative is such that the ‘close friendship’ is a function of my abuse (not fact) and actually sent from god. The delusion (of both of them) is that it is god sent and not a function of their own human desires.

James 1:13-14 (Listen)

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.

Any mention is ‘none of your business’, all her actions and carry ons are ‘none of my business’ and any assertion that they are is deemed by her (well supported by others) as abusive. I feel the only way for her to see that it is not me who’s abusove but her is to allow her to descend into such a whirlwind of confusion she falls over her own logic. Friends will get sick of dragging her out of the water time and time again and will eventually say “hey, what’s actually going on here, Enabler is not the messed up one here”. At least that’s my T theory anyway. Carry on and people and her will see. What happens then... .well we’ll deal with that then.

Enabler

[empath]

My h portrayed our marriage as "mutually abusive" to his church leadership, too. He felt abuse; specifically, he felt gaslighted when the stories that he made up based on how he felt were very different from what happened from my perspective. He also told them that I wasn't talking or communicating with him... . 

It's hard to learn to stop enabling our spouses' difficult behavior; we often have kind hearts.

[Enabler]

Thanks Empath, I agree re tough to stop enabling. In many respects I find ‘kind and helpful’ automatic so standing back almost physically hurts... .but it’s gotta be done. That said, surely this is one of the things she loved about me in the first place... .till she didn’t and found it “controlling”.

What I meant about mutually abusive was that the OMs W is  very feisty... .very BPDish think BPD Queen. So OM and my W were both being abused by their oppressive partners and therefore sought solace in each other. Little does OM know he’s jumping from the frying pan into the fire, but how many times have we seen that on the boards.

Enabler

[formflier]

Enabler,

Hey... I'm still trying to sort through what this may look like.  I think you should do some hard thinking/examine things from new perspectives about what "enabling" an affair looks like.

Especially in the context of a church setting. 

Perhaps "enabling hypocrisy"  is a better term for it.

Perhaps "enabling having her cake and eating it too"

(trying to jump start the thinking process)

Were you involved in the conversations with church leadership where your wife and OM were told to "stop it"?  If not... .how did you find out?

FF

[Notwendy]

OM may just be enjoying the no strings attached admiration, attention, longing and being her rescuer/hero( narcissistic supply). There's no telling what he'd actually do if your wife was immediately free and available and pushing for a commitment.

Men who are truly emotionally available for a  stable long term relationship don't usually choose to be with married women.

The message that we match our romantic choices emotionally in some way resonates with me. If he's chosen two dysfunctional women, and that's what he's attracted to- then he also has his own issues. A relationship built on lies and illusion doesn't sound appealing in the long run.

[Cat Familiar]

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