Counseling, Panic Attack, and Surgery

[Frankee]

I decided to start a new thread.  In the past 6 days, I have had a panic attack, saw my counselor again for the first time in months, celebrated our official one year anniversary, had surgery to remove a lymph node and get a 6 inch cut in my back to remove melanoma cancer cells, had our boat moved down here, and have to take a midterm exam by midnight tonight. 

My panic attack happened Tuesday night.  Came out of nowhere.  Was getting the kids their dinner, had sharp pain where my heart is, sat down, heavy pressure on my chest, started having trouble breathing, started hyperventilating, was able to tell our oldest to get dad.  He started getting scared and I was getting worse so he called 911.  By the time the ambulance showed up, I was incoherent, tingling from head to toe, hands were curled up because my muscles had tightened up so much.  The EMTs thought it was a panic attack, but took me to the hospital to make sure there was nothing else. They cleared me and released me that night.

My counselor appointment went great.  We are going to work on coping strategies next week.   She knows about my panic attack and surgery coming up.  We had an amazing night celebrating our one year anniversary.  It was just the two of us, no drama, no other people.  Great dinner, great conversation.  We splurged on our meal and some wine and I had a lot of fun.

The entire process at the hospital for my procedure last from 5:30am to about 4pm.  They released me when I was still way loopy and still feeling the effects from the anesthesia.  They had to inject the cancer sight to determine which lymph node it was draining to so they could do a removal for the biopsy.  They did about a 6 inch long S-Shaped cut in my back and I am not sure how deep.  I am still feeling the soreness. My right leg feels swollen, tight, and just messed up.  I am not sure how many more days I will be not fully feeling like myself.  I have a doctor note for a week off school and work, but attempting to do both tomorrow.

Our boat got moved down here after a year.  That's a whole different thing.  At least it is here where we live instead of three hours away.

My priorities have really taken a shift.  My physical limitations currently and the amount of stress I have put my body through the last few days has made me really calm down dealing with my H.  He seems to have shifted his priorities as well.  He was scared I was having a heart attack, he was scared about my entire surgery and freaked out when he saw the scar.  He didn't want to see it and asked me to cover it up.  Told me he couldn't stand to see where they hurt me.  Ironic in a way.  Emotional hurt is easier to hide, physical hurt is in your face.  Sometimes I think the cut on my back is a reminder of how strong I am.  I hope it leaves a mark.  If I can beat cancer trying to get me, I can beat anything.

[formflier]

I decided to start a new thread.  In the past 6 days, I have had a panic attack, saw my counselor again for the first time in months, celebrated our official one year anniversary, had surgery to remove a lymph node and get a 6 inch cut in my back to remove melanoma cancer cells, had our boat moved down here, and have to take a midterm exam by midnight tonight. 
 

  My physical limitations currently and the amount of stress I have put my body through the last few days has made me really calm down dealing with my H. 

 

I bet you can beat the big C! 

I also remember coming to term with physical limitations.  I don't want to allege I've completely come to terms yet... .

I'm glad you had a get together with your counselor.  What were the circumstances that led you to have such a long time between visits.

My P has trained me to do some coordinated breathing and walking exercises to "bring me down" whenever I get spun up.  I thought it was hokum when she first started explained it... .but good grief... it works like a charm.

Panic attacks suck.  I haven't had one in years now.  I hope you can get to a place to put those behind you.

What does tomorrow look like?  Next week?

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I'll weigh in with F2F on the coordinatedbreathing and walking. Walking is almost always possible -- for me, it is my spiritual and prayer time. Yoga might not be possible now (due to your incision) but the "breathing through" exercises were helpful to me.

[formflier]

And... .that the breathing is deep, controlled and rhytmic.

From time to time I get massages to break up bad stuff in my muscles.  Sometimes it hurts really bad... .when I am reminded to breathe deeply... I get past it quickly.

FF

[GaGrl]

And... .that the breathing is deep, controlled and rhytmic.

From time to time I get massages to break up bad stuff in my muscles.  Sometimes it hurts really bad... .when I am reminded to breathe deeply... I get past it quickly.

FF

My stepdaughter is a LMT, specializing in medical massage - she has a certification from M.D. Anderson for work with cancer patients. She also does hospice massage (that takes a special person). I've learned so much from her about deep breathing and breathing through. Deep tissue massage can be very uncomfortable.

The other thing to remember is that after the massage, DRINK LOTS OF WATER to flush the toxins.

[Cat Familiar]

Frankee, first of all,     .

It's been a very busy tumultuous time and you sound like you are holding up well, despite the panic attack. And having to face surgery is frightening for everyone.

Perhaps this has shocked your husband into realizing how much he needs and appreciates you.

[formflier]

Deep tissue massage can be very uncomfortable.

The other thing to remember is that after the massage, DRINK LOTS OF WATER to flush the toxins.

Yes... double and triple yes on uncomfortable and drink water.

Flush it all out!

My quality of life/range of motion has dramatically improved by combining regular (and very uncomfortable) deep tissue massage, with exercises and stretches that physical therapists have designed and some chiropractic.

The massage usually lets me know where I've been slacking on stretching or self care.

In fact... I need to get on and schedule one for Friday.  That will be after a long car trip and I have quite a bit of schoolwork to do the next day.  So... .it should help me be on top of my game.

At this point... AskingWhy is like... ."hey... wasn't this my thread?"   

FF

[Frankee]

I'm glad you had a get together with your counselor.  What were the circumstances that led you to have such a long time between visits.

Panic attacks suck.  I haven't had one in years now.  I hope you can get to a place to put those behind you.

What does tomorrow look like?  Next week?

I have to admit I am more aware of my physical state of health.  Few times after the attack, I would feel this aching pain where my heart is and I worry it will happen again, so I try to take it easy.  I have been cleared of any heart problems or heart disease, so I know it has to do with stress related.  I stopped going to my counselor because things were getting better between us.  I realize now I should had never stopped going.  A lot of unresolved issues.  I am currently focusing on getting back on track with school.  I lost a few days with my health issues.  I know that if I get caught up, it will help relieve most of this impending worry I have.

It's been a very busy tumultuous time and you sound like you are holding up well, despite the panic attack. And having to face surgery is frightening for everyone.

Perhaps this has shocked your husband into realizing how much he needs and appreciates you.

I find my limitations are getting checked very well last few days.  Normally I would push myself to get better and try to pick back up where I left off.  Now I am taking it easy, pacing myself.  When I think I may being feeling the effects from the panic attack or the surgery, I just try to let go of the stress.

I know I am doing well in school.  Every quiz and test I have taken, I haven't scored below a B+.  I know I could do more, study harder, etc., but I am trying to be gentle with myself.  Worrying and stressing about things I have to take care of, only make it worse.  My H and I were having real serious issues before this past week happened.

I don't feel quite like myself.  I think it may be my physical and mental health trying to recover.  I was so focused on doing all of this observing with my H, that now all of my focus has shifted.  I know the issues are still there with him, but they seem less important.  I know I need to be more concerned with my physical health. I had coffee on an empty stomach and normally I would be okay, but it made me feel so ill and shaky today.  I realize I can't stress over huge problems when I have trouble digesting coffee.  Just another reality check that I need to take better care of myself.

[Cat Familiar]

How are you feeling today, Frankee? What you've been through in the last several weeks is a BIG DEAL, both the surgery and the issues with your husband. I'm glad to hear that you're being gentle with yourself.

And great news that you're doing so well in your nursing program. 

[AskingWhy]

Panic attacks are terrifying when they come on.  In my opinion, they are a sign that something is dreadfully wrong in your life.  And it's usually the presence of toxic people.

Have you considered meditation to control your attacks?  You can buy a CD or buy an app to help you. Meditation actually, after assiduous practice, can change the structure of the brain.  I now know when an attack is coming on, I can stave it off with slow, deep breaths.  I tell myself, "This is a panic attack.  You will move through it to be calm again."

Frankee, I know well the stress of a R/S with a pwBPD, and this played no small role in the onset of the attacks.  Please read the advice of Dr. Lam on adrenal health and it's role in the stress response.  Google "toxic relationships dr lam."

This is also helpful, Dr. Weil's breathing exercises:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRPh_GaiL8s

You can get over this!  

[Frankee]

I was feeling well last couple days.  My bph had what I call a fit last night.   I am making notes on here so I can refer to my counselor as well. 

Last night, I was exhausted and aching from the surgery.   I told him.  I was about 11:30pm when he got out of the shower.  He got upset because I was pretending to be asleep.  He got upset because here lately I either pretended or am asleep when he gets out of the shower. 

He pointed out from his viewpoint that when he asks me if I am okay and I say I am tired that I am lying.  That he knows that something is bothering me.  That he has been in a good mood and I have been acting depressed and I have been  bringing him down.  I felt like it was someone telling a depressed person to just "get over it" or "be happy". 

His viewpoint is that I don't talk about stuff until he yells, then I get to use the spouted nonsense I don't talk talk to him about stuff because he reacts like this.  I realize that's what happens, but I honestly don't do it on purpose.   He feels I thrive on the drama.  Sometimes I feel like I would rather keep certain things to myself because I feel he won't understand or he will snap, even when he's trying to be understanding.  I think I am not fully comfortable disclosing feelings to him on certain stressful things.

I have been thinking to myself that I feel something is off inside my head.  I know things are getting better.  Things are not getting worse.  He feels I live off causing problems or the "drama", when I know I don't.  Then I wonder if I might be slightly depressed.  I wonder how someone can feel "blue", but have a conscious knowledge that things are getting better.  How can someone feel "blue", but be aware of the subtle changes that are happening, but feel like the audience in their own feelings.  I know I cannot share that with him.  He will say I am using it as an excuse.  I know that much. 

Sometimes I feel he forgets I just had a panic attack and surgery within two days of each other, regardless it was a week an a half ago.

[AskingWhy]

Sometimes I feel he forgets I just had a panic attack and surgery within two days of each other, regardless it was a week an a half ago.

Frankee, this is the part of BPD that is painful:  the lack of empathy.

You are a fighter and will get over this.      

One time, I hit my head on a table while cleaning underneath it.  My scalp was bleeding quite a bit (I would later have a bruise) so I went to get some paper towels to clean the blood on my face. My H saw what was happening and screamed, "Put some g*ddamned ice on it!"  Did he get up and offer to get ice from the freezer?  Did he offer to get me some tissues or antiseptic?

Nothing at all!  As I was trying to stop the blood with paper towels and holding them pressed to my scalp, I was not interested at the time of putting the soiled papers in the trashbin.  H came into the kitchen and saw the bloody papers, screaming at the mess.

Ok.  Here is a man whose wife just injured herself.  It's just a cut and not a broken arm or leg, or a slashed artery.  But there was no empathy at all.  He was more interested in the soiled kitchen counter and not his wife's injury.

One of the things I know about BPDs is that when they are raging they are in the moment, and no one or anything matters.  We had an elderly little dog who soiled herself in her bed in the middle of the night.  She was distressed and roughing up the blankets in her bed, waking H out of his sleep.  H got up, dumped the dog off the bed and onto the floor and screamed at her, "G*ddamn you, Fluffy!"  Again, no empathy.  (I immediately comforted the dog and cleaned her bedding, and soothed her back to sleep.)

Then there was the time my elderly grandmother, who had dementia, was visiting for a while, and H bellowed at me over something.  She started crying, saying her presence had upset him as she was taking away out privacy.  This was not the case, and H immediately tried to reassure her of this.  H later turned to me in private raging.  He said, "When I am angry, I don't care who hears!"  Of course, when his adult children are around, he is careful to be very attentive to me in order to fake the appearance of a happy marriage.  He so desperately wants their approval that he will agree to any ethical or political belief any one of them has, even in contrary to his own.  

You see, BPDs don't know who they are, and they are like bratty little children.  Like a child screaming, "Me, me, me!  Mine, mine, mine!"

Also, BPDs don't have a sense of time.  Something that happened a week and a half ago, in his mind, never happened.   It is part of their only being able to be in the present.

Practice self care and do something nice for yourself.  Go to a park or beach.  Buy yourself something you've been wanting for a long time.  As you said, you are strong and will survive.    

[Frankee]

Frankee, this is the part of BPD that is painful:  the lack of empathy.

You are a fighter and will get over this.      

You see, BPDs don't know who they are, and they are like bratty little children.  Like a child screaming, "Me, me, me!  Mine, mine, mine!"

Also, BPDs don't have a sense of time.  Something that happened a week and a half ago, in his mind, never happened.   It is part of their only being able to be in the present.

Practice self care and do something nice for yourself.  Go to a park or beach.  Buy yourself something you've been wanting for a long time.  As you said, you are strong and will survive.    

I really appreciate the support.

I feel that the whole time frame is spot on.  He seems to give the indication that since they got the cancer and the lymph node it was draining too, magically fixes the problem.  I am still aching where they took the lymph node.  It's a big knot under my skin.  He does 't want to see it.  He doesn't want to think of me like that.  It hurts.  It's like he can't bear to see the physical wounds, but they hurt a lot less then the emotional/mental wounds he's inflicted.

There are times where he does act like a child.  Throwing fits, you're not paying attention to me, you never want to have fun!  He tells me I have no spark left, no life in me, walking zombie.  He's getting better as a person, he's getting help, he's growing.  That I haven't improved, I shouldn't be trying after 6 years, he's not going to let my issues put him in a bad mood.  Our relationship has been anything but normal and yes I am still trying, but it's only been a few months since I have felt better or even started recovering from all our past history.

I am going back to see my counselor.  I am not going to stop going.  I should had never stopped in the first place.  I am use as my safe place to keep record of occurrence with him and how I felt.  I even went online to a depression chat.  I barely scratched the surface on his behavior after the surgery.  I had a lot of people say he was a royal douche and a cr@ppy partner. 

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad that you are continuing to see your counselor. You have a lot of history to recover from.

He is not someone who seems able to understand your perspective, so you need to be direct and tell him that you're not feeling back to normal yet and anybody who had been through a similar medical procedure would feel the same.

Perhaps if you can teach him to have some compassion about your current physical issues, that might later allow you to build a bridge to talk with him about some of the emotional wounds you've felt in this relationship. That might not happen any time soon, but having a counselor to talk with can allow you to heal even if he's not yet mature enough to be able to understand.