How to co-parent with BPD'er

[WantToBeFree]

How on earth do you successfully co-parent with someone who is unreasonable, refuses to listen to facts and is beyond selfish?  I am sure you all know how it is since BPD'ers tend to have a lot of the same traits.

We're planning our D4's upcoming birthday party for next month.  I wanted to do McDonald's because it is dirt cheap, and after a $10,000 divorce, neither one of us really has money to throw around.  He didn't like that (he is all about the show and McDonald's apparently wouldn't impress anyone).  So I suggested her old gymnastics gym.  He suggested Pump it up.  I crunched the numbers and they are the same price, BUT for that price, everyone can eat at the gym whereas for that price only the kids can eat at Pump it Up.  Adults would be extra which I just cannot afford and even the gymnastics place is out of my budget but it's her first and only (for a long time) bigger birthday party so I will splurge.

When I told him he says "that sounds boring".  Gee, I forgot this party isn't for our D4 after all, dad has to have fun too apparently.  Also D4 is rather timid and I don't really see her playing on and having fun on the inflatables at Pump it Up, but since she has done gymnastics, I think she will be more comfortable there.  So clearly he is just pouting because it was MY idea.

Then he brings up private school again.  D4 is currently in pre-school, and started the year in the fall at the place we both agreed on months prior when we were still together.  One week before school started, he brought up the idea of her going to the private school he went to as a child, and where his best friend is now principal.  I said no, you cannot just switch her one week before school starts (the private school had already started so she would have been 2 weeks behind the other kids) when I've been gearing her up for months for the school she was enrolled in, and we had also already paid registration, and first and last months tuition.  The private school tuition is also 3x the amount which we cannot afford.  He claims his friend could do it for free for us (I doubt it).

Unfortunately her school did not work out, the board majorly messed up, they lost their teacher and couldn't find a new one and the school closed during Christmas break.  Finding a spot for her at a new school was stressful, so I agreed to let her go to the private school, and his friend said she could attend for the same tuition we paid the other school (yep, so not free).

So now he is laying on the pressure for her to attend K-8 there as well, still claiming his friend will do free or very discounted.  Even if it were $10.00/month, it's still not the $0 we would pay for public school.  My brother and I went to public school, everyone I know did, we both have masters degrees and ex-H only went through high school.  That's obviously not everyone's experience, but clearly, my brother and I did just fine in public. 

The most frustrating part is my ex-H never even wanted her to go to private until we separated.  He never even started to waiver until his friend was eyeing the principal job there.  I'd been trying to get my ex-H to go to church for years but he always claimed he wasn't "ready to go back" after so many years in parochial school.  Now all of a sudden he goes to church (or did, when we first separated, now his parents take D4 on his weekends with her) and is Mr. Private School Advocate. 

Our D4 is smart for her age and has no learning disabilities in which a private school would be better.  Our districts public school isn't THE BEST in the state, but it's totally fine.  If the private school were good for her somehow I would put my D4's best interest above this, but it's also very uncomfortable for me now that she goes there.  His friend stands in the hall every morning greeting the kids and parents... .he was never my favorite person and now even less so since the divorce.  I cannot even sneeze without it being reported back to ex-h.  I also occasionally see the friend's wife, who used to be my friend too but now I am a leper to her since the divorce. 

A few Sunday's ago my D4's class sang in the church choir but I wasn't comfortable going since his parents and friends family all attend church as well.  If it were a bigger production I would have gone anyway, but I am trying to distance myself from ex-h and his family/friends and drama, not immerse myself by enrolling my child there. 

He has made threats about taking me to court over it.  I really don't think a judge would rule in his favor, especially when we cannot afford it and there is no real reason to send her there, but I got clobbered financially in the divorce so I don't know what to expect anymore, and regardless I don't want to spend more money on more attorney fees to go to court.

He says he wants us to take a co-parenting class together, which I think is a complete waste of time when HE is the one that is impossible to deal with.  Besides we already did take a class that our county required, so I don't know why he thinks another is warranted.  I try to be very accommodating to his time with her... .the parenting time order says he gets her at 4pm on Fridays on his weekends but any time he wants her earlier I let him take her.

If his Wednesday doesn't work out due to bad weather or something I let him switch for Friday.  A few months ago I let her go over there all day on my Sunday so she could bake cookies with her grandma and cousins (he is still staying with his parents), a couple weeks ago I invited him out to dinner with D4 and I and suggested we do dinner as a family for her sake every so often.  But supposedly I am the one that is refusing to co-parent with him.

These are just a few examples of the crap he pulls.  I know even if one thing gets solved, there will be another pop up in its place for the next 13 years.  How do you handle it?  Do I just ignore him when he gets ridiculous?

[zachira]

I am sorry your ex is not able to put your daughter first, especially since it is her birthday and not his. You have said you don't want to spend more money on legal fees, yet I am wondering if it still might be worth it to get court ordered therapy/mediation so you can work out the parenting challenges. People with BPD tend to behave better in the presence of officials and outsiders, and having another person present for the decisions that need to be made can help. It sounds like you need to establish some permanent boundaries with your ex, so he just can't pull all kind of crazy behaviors to antagonize you. There are many experienced parents divorced from a spouse with BPD that post on this site who will share their stories and give you some top notch advice on how to weather the storm with the challenges over parenting with your BPD ex.

[ForeverDad]

Do you remember remember many details from when you turned 4 years old?  Most people can't.  The sole goal is that your daughter be happy and have fun, within reason.

For example, many try to go to DisneyWorld for a young child but is the extra cost worth it?  Is Mickey Mouse better than some other cartoon characters?  I have a large amusement park a half hour away.  If I had a four year old child, would he or she have "less fun" locally all summer long than traveling 1000 miles and spending as much money in one day as an entire season pass locally, much less the driving time and hotel expenses?

Is one parent assigned the role of Primary Parent (for school decisions, etc)?  If you have majority time then it ought to be you.  Yes, there may be joint custody, you may have to work some things out, that's mostly unavoidable, but what helps to keep you out of court is if you have Decision Making or Tie Breaker status for major issues.

As regards school, be aware that if you're not firmly in charge of school decisions, then ex could argue with the court that he wants D4 to continue there.  I doubt preschool establishes a history for the court, but the longer she goes to his favored school, the harder it will be to shift her elsewhere.

Has ex agreed to foot the entire extra fees and other costs, not just now but also going forward?  Is it documented in a form that court will accept as binding?  Private school is generally much more expensive than public school.  Even if there is a discount now, there's no guarantee for future years.  You don't want to get stuck in a bad place financially that could be avoided with forethought.

[ForeverDad]

Too often the disordered ex can find ways to reinterpret simple but vague assumptions.  Here's one example from the past:

Courts are generally not inclined to let parents move kids around schools unless both parents are agreed.  Or for good cause.  What if she moves outside the local area, has school decision-making (such as with a temp custody order), as in "I moved so child has to go to a school in my new area"?  I agree, get legal advice, sooner the better.  Probably a good idea to get multiple legal consultations if you haven't yet found or decided on an experienced, proactive attorney.

In any deals, make sure you know what the maximum costs are, set price limits to the local inexpensive comparables.  There was one dad here many years ago who agreed to pay "school expenses", figuring they would be only a few hundred dollars per year in the current public school system.  Ex then immediately enrolled their child in a private school and he got stuck with high tuition costs and the court just looked at him and essentially ruled, "You agreed she would handle school decisions and that you would pay the costs, you're stuck."

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger is a must-read for us here facing high conflict in court.

[worriedStepmom]

There are some simple solutions to these specific dilemmas. Step out of the close coparenting mindset.

Make this the last joint birthday party.  We tried joint parties for a few years (my kids were 2 and 6 when the divorce was final), and now we do it separately.  I usually throw the one with other kids, he does one for all is family.  The kids love having multiple parties

If he wants your daughter to go to private school (and it's okay with you), he can pay 100% of it.  If he's unwilling to do that, then, as long as you are primary parent for school purposes, the answer is "No, my budget has $0 allocated for private school, so she will be going to public school."  Repeat a few times, and then just refuse to engage on the topic anymore.  Hang up or walk away.

If he wants the two of you to go to more coparenting classes, he can pay for 100% of it and for the babysitter.

If your daughter sings in the choir, go.  You don't have to speak to your ex or his family.  You don't have to sit with them.  Don't let the thought of them drive you away from being there for your kid.  (In our family, my H's uBPDxW does not go to 90% of SD11's activities because I am there.  SD11 rarely speaks of this, but she notices, and it hurts.  My ex, for years, didn't go to many child activities.  The children stopped relying on him being there at all.)

I'd also be cautious about family dinners.  We did those a few times when we first separated (D was almost 5).  It confused her and led to some behavior issues, so on her therapist's advice I stopped them.  Now that the kids are older and secure in their two families, we do more "as a family" (my ex and his family always sit with us at activities, we chat more during exchanges, we engage and are supportive with the kids' other stepsiblings, etc).

I promise that it will get a little easier for you as you have more practice being separate units.  You'll just have to set and enforce strong boundaries around what makes sense for you.