I'm deeply hurt and I'm trying to make sense of this

[Lizard_Skin]

Hello.

I met M. at the end of October.
We started to date - I got love bombed but somehow managed to keep it real as he has a child in shared custody so we were spending time together just every fortnight.
I express my will of wanting to go slow and after showing being hurt by it, he accepts it. But somehow the pace never really slowed down, probably because of my choice too.

He showed an incredible attachment to me, showered me with amazing words and tenderness and attention until two weeks before leaving me and always seemed scared by the possibility of me leaving him:
- "I'm the luckiest man on Earth"
- "You're so special to me"
- "Please don't go and fall in love with somebody else"
- "You mean the world to me"
- "Let's see when my time will come for you to leave me"

Insight on his past relationships:
He left the mother of his child when the kid was 2 (now he's 6). He said to me that once the kid was born, he felt the love was gone.
When re-asked on the same matter he mentioned that his ex partner was very basic but he felt comfortable with her. That having a child never was her ambition but they decided to have one at some point.
He mentioned a couple of other women, one he said he couldn't keep up with the relationship as he was going through the court case for his child custody.
Other he never mentioned why it was over and I just guessed they were unimportant flings.

He introduced me to his mum for Xmas (I know, my bad, I had a choice, but decided to do it.)

Beginning of January my guts started to get weird - I was waking up in the middle of the night full of doubts about him for apparently no reason.

Mid January his texts start to become different. When we're together he's always scrolling Twitter and seems distant. I called him out on that and his behaviour reversed back to normal immediately, so I thought he was hearing me.

On my b-day at the beginning of February we had a massive revamp - he introduced me to his sister and nephew (thank god still not to his child), but the very same weekend we both felt weird talking to each other about our views on things like marriage, children etc.

A brief discussion led to more confusion on my side (and his, I guess).

The following week he's sick at home and I get to his place to take care of him. The morning of the third day he tried to have unprotected sex with me in the most fertile week of the month, while being told less that 12 hours before about it, with the risk of putting me pregnant and sent me to f**k off when I reasonably got mad and told him he was exactly like any man who tried to have his way sexually with me.

A discussion follows where he apologises, but also tells me he feels humiliated by me stressing his massive fault. I reply I am only asserting my boundaries - that NO means NO.

He gets super cold at that point and I stupidly try to reach out telling him that we can talk about it like a couple, like a team.
I tell him that I care.
He doesn't want to see me and the confrontation is left to a week after, as he was taking care of his child that week.

Three days later I demand a phone call, where I ask him if he wants to go on with me and build our trust bond, respect, boundaries etc. or if he wants to call it a day.
He says he wants to go on but has concerns about our relationship - he said he doesn't want "another volatile relationship".

The week after he shows up half an hour late (never happened before) to our Valentine's date. The conversation is clunky and clearly he doesn't want to talk through the previous week happenings.

We have lots of cuddles and great sex that night. He looks at me like he used to do once and sleeps in my arms. Cuddles me in the morning.
Then he becomes distant again literally once I got out of the shower.

Messages during the day got cold again until the point where I corner him and demand an explanation.
He wants to come to my place to break up with me but I don't allow him.
I send my BF to collect my stuff from his apartment the day after and send a closure text. Then I block him from everywhere to go No Contact immediately.

He puts a 3 pages letter in my stuff bag, saying that he's sorry but that he doesn't feel anymore like he used to. That I am special to him and amazing but that he cannot do it.

And then the backlash: that very night I re-activated my OKC account to look for post-breakup sex (please, I need not judgement) and I find him there. What a fist in the face. I write to him telling him that he's outrageous, and good riddance.
He replies saying that I am an hypocrite also because I sent him a 'rubbish message' and then blocked him. I block him again on OKC.

He texts me saying that "We both apparently got an easy way out of this as my behaviour of the past 24 hours has made a very hard decision very easy".

I don't reply.

The morning after I send him a long email detailing all the ways he made me feel like garbage. How used and tossed away I feel.
That he's a misogynist (yeah, he used to come up with out-of-place comments sometimes), doesn't have knowledge of boundaries (sexual or emotional ones), that he's self-absorbed.

I asked him not to reply to that email.
I don't know if he read it but I don't care.

I feel so hurt. I thought he was my match.
I can't wrap my head around how he could possibly change his mind in 20 days.

I'm here to understand if he possibly had BPD - I need to understand so I can avoid in the future.

Thank you to all the ones who'll help.

X

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lizard Skin, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  What makes you think that "M" has BPD?  It's hard to tell from your post.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Lizard_Skin]

Hey Lucky Jim.

It's the path that he seems to follow with previous relationships instability, rapidly switching between idealising me and discarding me.
Habits like unprotected sex (which I've witnessed), reckless spending when he could afford it and a bit of repressed anger I have ended up noticing.

I just cannot explain how he went from adoring me, showing affectionated behaviour, allowing me closer to his family, telling me he was just SO lucky we met me and to dumping me 20 days later just saying "my feelings have changed"

Maybe I'm just delusional.

L.

[Lizard_Skin]

I'm not saying he surely is BPD but it seems he shares some traits.

[Don1967]

I just joined and was hoping to be consoled but maybe by consoling you I'll help myself. My ex showered me with affection and love almost from the moment we met and even though I resisted because I knew it was over the top and almost subconsciously manipulative I eventually gave myself over to it, not completely but enough to feel deeply hurt when, five months in the about face occurred. His hair trigger fear of rejection was, in hindsight, the driver of much of his behavior. My whole drama took almost a year and a half to play out but it left me very hurt and confused. I really loved him and tried to be a supportive partner but I realize much of my behavior was co-dependent and that just made things worse. You were right to stand your ground and challenge him. You did nothing wrong you just did not live up to his expectations which are so fluid and undefined he wouldn't recognize them even if you had what he needs. Most people have the ability to empathize and the borderline partner has trouble doing that. Your unhappiness and confusion does not motivate him the way it would a healthier individual. Having said that, you're still hurt and I understand the longing for that individual that seemed to love you so unconditionally. There's a famous quote about borderline behavior, maybe this will help. “They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason.” ― Thomas Sydenham,

[Lizard_Skin]

Hi Don.

Your words are going down like a wall of bricks and making me cry, but thank you because it's helping me not to justify his horrible behaviour.

And yes, he surely now hates me relentlessly for having challenged him and called him out.

My previous relationship has been with an NPD and this time I though I had done a lot better than before. I was so happy. I didn't see the love bombing even thought that happened with the NPD too. This time I genuinely thought it was sincere, blossoming love. How wrong I was.

Thank you for your words. I'm so lost in the dark right now that every little helps.

L.

[once removed]

This time I genuinely thought it was sincere, blossoming love.

what if it was, but that things moved quickly, and ultimately werent sustainable?

the two of you were together for about three to four months, do i have that right?

[Lizard_Skin]

Yes, we were together for that long.

Sure, it can be but then I still don't understand such a quick shift in someone's feelings.

[Don1967]

Glad it helped L, shared misery is misery diluted. Be sad, mourn the loss, you gotta go there to come back. It's not you, it just might feel like it is. You're a good person and deserve to be happy.

[Lizard_Skin]

Thank you Don.

I wish the same for you.

How are you keeping up?

[Don1967]

Time is helping. Family and friends. You guys. We got this Lizard, we got this. Thanks Lizard!