Dysregulation and, strangely, an apology

[AskingWhy]

uBPD H recently dysregulated and trashed the kitchen in a fit of rage.  Dishes and glasses broken, clean dishes and utensils dumped back into the sink, water all over the counters and cupboards and windows.  Dirty dishes thrown in with clean ones.  It was a tantrum in full fury.  H left the house to go eat dinner, refusing to eat anything I made for him.  He was in toddler-mode.   In about thirty minutes, he left two voicemails saying he was sorry and would clean the mess.  Of course, the pets were terrified and ran off to other parts of the house.

It comes down to control issues.  H is very upset at my depression and my illnesses, upset over impending taxes, stressed out at work, and still likely projecting the hurt and rage he felt when his first wife cheated on him, married her lover and took the children.  It could even be a midlife crisis.  With BPDs, there is no sense of time, and hurts and upsets are experienced as though they were yesterday.  (H's W left him almost 30 years ago.)

What amazes me is that he almost never apologises to me, instead blaming me for his rage.  Even in the most recent voicemails, he still stated he raged because of something I did or said.  

Now, whenever H dysregulates, I give him the same disrespect his adult children gave him, even quoting them. H is enmeshed with all of his children and stands like a coward while they emotionally blackmailed him.  He is so desperate for their approval that he takes any amount of abuse and they turn him into a door mat.  His son insults him by calling him, "Old man."

As an aside, H is cheap with me and gifts as some of you know, and yet he bought a $50K sports car and a $30K motor cycle in the last two years.  Both brand new.   After 20 years of marriage, a milestone, I thought (hoped) he'd get me one extravagant diamond ring.  No such luck. H is a BPD with strong BPD features.  He spends thousands of dollars on car parts and motor cycle parts, but only trinkets for me.

The Kreger book Eggshells states the more functional a BPD is, the more NPD he is.  This is the case here.

I know my standing up for myself and the abuse, daring him to carry through in the constant di vorce threats, I have fewer issues with him.  And now some apologies, as if he is now aware his dysregulations are inappropriate.  When he has a tantrum, I disengage and walk away.  I also laugh at him.   (Again, using the tactics of his children.)  I don't give him the drama he craves.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you think your change of response is triggering some self awareness in him?

[Danay]

Thanks for sharing your experiences Askingwhy.  It really helped me today as you and I are walking the same path and the parallels are very similar.  We hit our 20th anniversary on Valentine's day and the card my UDBPDW picked up last minute has yet to be filled out, 8 days later... .  She did zero and we had a blow up two days ago where she picked a fight over a couple business trip lunches I paid for because my employer's policy doesn't allow "travel lunches" only breakfast and dinner... .  No big deal as she literally has Amazon and QVC packages hitting our porch 3-4 days per week... .  Purses, clothing, things she feels she needs in the middle of the night when she frequently cannot sleep.

The last year or two I have done the same as you where I push back firmly... .  Early on, she was able to dysregulate and get what she wants as we had young kids and I would fold for the sake of trying to calm the house down.  Now, we have one 17 yr old left at home and I'm counting the days until that child is 18 and done with high school.  Our older 4 kids either stay away or tiptoe carefully when they come home and we haven't experienced significant pushback other than a sarcastic eye roll when their mom goes into control mode.

I called my UDBPDW out two days ago in a calm but firm tone about ignoring me on our 20th.  This time, I didn't use anger as much as I calmly said it made me feel bad and she kind of flipped out, did the usual gaslighting and said she doesn't need the pressure.  Its been the cold shoulder treatment for two days but I know it made her think and that was the goal.  I think until we as non's decide to leave, at least trying different things like this can at least help or create a different outcome.    Thanks again for sharing your experience... .

[AskingWhy]

I think the pushing back often works.  BPDs so often get their way they don't expect to be countered.

I dose of real "reality" is sometimes what they need.  It's hard to argue when your adult child has had four car accidents in three years, or that your son has been picked up by police for being under the influence of drugs in public.