My DD18 lies and I'm tired of not being able to trust what she says/does

[colleenp]

DD is 18 now, and was diagnosed 2 years ago, with BPD.  I see sustained periods of "good" behavior, and disruptive periods of chaos.  In fact, that's how I'd describe her life.  Chaos... .

I think that my biggest issue to deal with is lying.  DD had a new friend last summer, call her Kori,  and spent tons of time with her, sleepovers, etc.  Recently, told me she had gotten into a conflict with Kori, and was going over to pick up her things.  I got a call from another of her old friends (bad news girl) who was high, and mumbling something about a fight.  Net result of all this, Kori was a made up friend, and was actually the bad news girl.  DD did not want to tell me because she didn't want me to be disappointed.  She lied for 9 months, and I had absolutely no clue.

Therapist has always told me to validate the feeling and not the lie.  So, I told her that I was sorry she felt that I was going to be disappointed.  I told her that she is old enough to choose her friends but that perhaps this wasn't the best friend to be involved with.

Guess I'm just really tired of not being able to trust anything she says/does.

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi colleenp 

Although I'm sorry for what has brought you here, I'm glad you found us as we are here for you, to offer support while you navigate your relationship with your DD. We get it, better than anyone else does - we've been in similar situations and we know how difficult things can be. 

My DD also lies and it's usually for the same reason your DD stated, she doesn't want me to be disappointed in her. She's also shared that she feels I will judge her. To be fair, I'm guilty of both - being disappointed and judging her. I'm working on eliminating those behaviors, though it's not easy.

It's good you are seeing a T (therapist) and it sounds like s/he's on the mark with validating feelings. Are you in family therapy as well? Is your DD in treatment for BPD in addition to therapy?

I hope to hear more from you, colleenp, a strong support group can make a difference and that is what we offer here. You are not alone.

~ OH