I never signed up to be still sorting out my kids at 31 and 22

[Calm Waters]

Its been a while, a major family death every year since 2013, a sons suicide attempt, both sons on Crack and failed rehab' attempts. My wife and I semi retired due to stress and struggling to manage on a fixed income with two sons still pumping us for money and driving us insane with their immaturity and drug habits. I no longer know or care if BPD is at the bottom of it I just want them out of my life so I can enjoy whatever few years of reasonable health I have left with out he constant battering. I never signed up to be still sorting out my kids at 31 and 22! I have had fantasies about them being dead so that I can find some peace, sadly infanticide is still illegal! Why the F did I aver have kids, it seemed such a good idea back then? I had to have one son arrested for criminal damage at my home and the other is still struggling with the physical impacts of his suicide attempt back in 2014. Oh how I wish I could go back to the early 1980's even the music was better.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Hi calm waters. I remember you from before.  I have been on and off this site for years. Sorry to hear that everything is basically the same.  My heart goes out to you. Just wanted to send you a hello. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters

I still remember your posts very well. I am sorry to hear the situation with your sons is still so very difficult. Their issues are very challenging.

I had to have one son arrested for criminal damage at my home... .

When exactly did this happen? Did this occur quite recently?

I have had fantasies about them being dead so that I can find some peace, sadly infanticide is still illegal!

It's clear that you're very frustrated with the situation and your sons' behaviors have clearly taken their toll on you. Would you really want them to be gone like this though or is it more that you just want the constant struggle to stop?

I am glad you decided to come back here to post about what you're going through

The Board Parrot

[FaithHopeLove]

I know how you feel. Neither BPD or drug addiction figured into our hopes or plans for our children. You do deserve some peace. Self care. Boundaries.

[Calm Waters]

Thanks for your replies. Almost a year ago on my younger sons 22nd birthday in a Crack fuelled rage he destroyed the upper floors of my home. This was precipitated by our refusal to give him even more money for his birthday than the £300 he had spent in 3 days on Crack. When he started destroying the downstairs having called the Police I tried to intervene and this led to a fist fight. My wife started screaming and in the confusion she was bitten by the family dog on the calf and started bleeding profusely. At this time there was 8 inches of snow on the ground and we live in a remote location so it took the police a long time to arrive. We retreated to a neighbours house where we tried to stem the bleeding. In the meantime my son had to some degree calmed down and was trying to tidy up when the Police arrived. The ambulance was called and this also took a long time. Statements were taken from us and all of the neighbours who witnessed this shameful episode and my son was arrested and imprisoned over night. My wife went to hospital and was marooned due to the snow and without a 4wd there was noting I could do but spend the rest of the night tidying up the carnage. My son was processed and released on bail the next day on the condition he not come home or approach us. He went to a night shelter where he took an overdose of his prescription antipsychotics and god knows what else. Out of fear for his life we found and paid for a bed and breakfast room until he appeared in court a month or so later. Since then he has been to rehab' twice, and was this week discharged half way through due to giving a + cannabis urine test, so he is back home again and already causing trouble over money. I feel my life my future my wellbeing my marriage is all at risk due these entitled selfish idiots. The probation and drug and alcohol services in the UK are now a hollow shell. Emerging Futures who were allegedly overseeing my sons punishment are an absolute joke and have just gone bankrupt. Such is the disgrace that is now the UK due to the Tories austerity and Brexit sucking all of the money and energy from the domestic issues that are causing homelessness addiction suicide despair and destitution. Goodbye Great Britain its now Sad Brittania.

[FaithHopeLove]

Can you throw him out? I ask because we threw our son out because he was not only using he was selling drugs. It was hard but now our home is safe and peaceful.

[Calm Waters]

sorry not emerging futures - Working Links

[Calm Waters]

We did that with our older son and he threw himself out of a 5th floor window in front of me and nearly died, so its not quite that straightforward sadly

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so sorry.

[Kwamina]

I still remember very well when you posted just after your oldest son made that suicide attempt. That's a horrible thing to have to experience as a family.

Knowing what you know about your sons and how they've responded in the past when you tried to enforce/defend boundaries, indeed is an important factor to consider. Yet since the current situation is clearly taking a real toll on you, some sort of change does seem necessary. Do you feel like there are any boundaries you can try to set while your son is there, that could have a chance of working and help you preserve your own well-being? Is there anything you've tried in the past that seemed to work better with this particular son than other things?

Unfortunately we cannot control our disordered family-members. You are dealing with a lot right now, mindfulness and meditation can help reduce stress and slow down our own thought processes. Yet with so much going on, I also know how difficult it can be to practice mindfulness/meditation, still this could be something you can try, just to help center and calm yourself so you can more clearly think about the next steps to take.

[Mirsa]

Hi Calm Waters,

I'm relatively new here, and I'm so sorry to hear about your sons and their addictions.   Is there a support group for families of addicts in your area?  In my area, there is Narcotics Anonymous and also a type of Al-Anon for family members.  I'm not sure what it is called, as I don't go.  However, I know many people get support from groups like that.  Your sons don't have to be in a 12-step program (I bet you wish they were!), but you could still go.  There are many parents wrestling with so many of the same issues.  In our area, it is more about supporting heroin users, and some parents have had children overdose multiple times, and still not be ready to get clean.  It's just awful.

My heart goes out to you and hope you find some ways to get extra support and take care of yourselves. 

From my own story, I can say that after three years of dealing with my BPD DD, I could physically feel the toll the constant stress was taking on my body.   I believe that the hormones and cortisol released by stress can help cause diseases like cancer to get switched on.  So, when my DD moved out a few months ago, I grabbed at the chance to have peace in my life.  My stress has plummeted.  It's not completely gone, bc I do still worry about her quite a bit, but not living with her is a huge improvement.  For my own physical health, I think it is better for me that I love her from a distance at this point.   I think the stress of dealing with her issues would have killed me slowly, quietly, and by degrees.  It wouldn't have been apparent until it was too late and required medical treament, chemo, whatever.

It's my opinion that no one is required to parent a child beyond the late teens, if parenting said child is harmful to your physical and mental health and quality of life.   So, I will be rooting for a turnaround for you soon, so that your home may one day be a place of peace and serenity. 

Mirsa

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Calm Waters]

Thanks for your kind thoughts. My wife and I have been attending a Famanon ( families Anonymous) Group for 2 years, it has helped enormously, its 12 step and a very supportive group of people in similar positions to ourselves.

Both sons have been in Rehab' and so far it has not stopped their drug abuse although it has abated a little. The older on is about to go again hopefully but the life changing injuries he has caused himself make it hard for him to move forwards without anger and regret which leads to self soothing with Crack.

Sadly the younger one was just discharged from rehab after 6 weeks due to a + test, this is the 4th attempt with him and each time he blows it! He has never really worked, had no friends apart from junkies and really needs structure, but the magical thinking seems to take over and nothing gets done.

Im 61 now, my brother will be dead soon from cancer, my mum and dad have died and all three of my sisters in law since 2014. Im almost the last one standing and I fully expect my kids to die before me. Its so tragic, we tried to do everything right as parents, both of my kids were so loved and wanted by us and their families, but BPD and suicide seem to haunt my family generation on generation. My wife's family are holocaust survivors and there is serious domestic violence in my background, thats the only explanation I can find for the chaos that has engulfed us.

Well done Mirsa for finding some peace, I also believe that stress somatises to illness, in my case arthritis that has advanced rapidly since my sons suicide attempt. In my brothers case cancer that I have no doubt is partly due to the stress of his partners Parkinson's for 20 years and her sons death from suicide in 1990. Take each day as a gift, i try to. - Calm

[Calm Waters]

Thanks Kwamina, you have often followed up my posts and I appreciate that. Yes I do meditate and try and finds some peace each day. With regard to trying to enforce boundaries, its hard, life at home turns in to a battle zone and I often capitulate to keep the peace as I am so exhausted with it all. There have been times when I have sat in my car and called the Samaritans or a friend. On the whole there has been progress but its slow and I feel my life is ticking away. Somehow we keep going and sometimes have fun my wife and I - Calm

[Kwamina]

My wife and I have been attending a Famanon ( families Anonymous) Group for 2 years, it has helped enormously, its 12 step and a very supportive group of people in similar positions to ourselves.

I am glad you have this support network

Hopefully your older son will indeed enter rehab soon. So far the results have perhaps been less than hoped for, but as long as we keep on fighting there is still a chance of change happening. I hope that in spite of his issues and also the serious physical issues he has now, a time will come that things start to click in his mind and you'll really see him make progress. I hope the same for your youngest son as well.

He has never really worked, had no friends apart from junkies and really needs structure, but the magical thinking seems to take over and nothing gets done.

In what ways does this magical thinking manifest itself?

I am very sorry your brother is so sick. How is your relationship with him?

It's very tough losing close family-members and you've indeed lost several these last few years. How are you coping with these losses? Do you feel like you've been really able to grieve the losses with all that was also going on with your sons?

Its so tragic, we tried to do everything right as parents, both of my kids were so loved and wanted by us and their families, but BPD and suicide seem to haunt my family generation on generation. My wife's family are holocaust survivors and there is serious domestic violence in my background, thats the only explanation I can find for the chaos that has engulfed us.

Sometimes try is all we can do. Family backgrounds filled with traumatic events and violence, can definitely impact generations to come if the trauma is not processed and healed. Yet we do the best with what we know, it can be hard breaking these kinds of cycles and there can also be genetic/hereditary components in play. When I look at my own family, my mother, oldest sister and my uncle are all very much uBPD. And then there's also my narcissistic brother. Me and my other sister are different, the 'normal' ones, yet growing up in such an environment also really impacts the 'normal' ones.

On the whole there has been progress but its slow and I feel my life is ticking away. Somehow we keep going and sometimes have fun my wife and I - Calm

I am glad you are able to recognize the progress that has been made. That is something you and your wife can build on

The Board Parrot