Learning to be Happy for Others

[FaithHopeLove]

OK so since we are free to be transparent here let me ask this. When friends and family celebrate their childrens' successes like making honor roll, or winning a cheerleading competition, or getting into a great college, or graduating from ANY college, or marrying a good person or anything else that is good are you able to be genuinely happy for them or do you feel secretly resentful? My honest answer, sometimes I am genuinely happy. Other times I am secretly resentful. But I really want to be genuinely happy. I don't want the pain I go through with a BPD and drug addicted son to mean I can't celebrate with others. I just wish I had more to celebrate. Or maybe I wish they would get it that for me celebration means him not suiciding today or not getting arrested today or not overdosing today or not getting shot today and honor roll can wait. Who knows what I mean?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I know just what you mean, Faith. I've just left my T's office so I'm feeling much more centered than I have in some time. I thought about what you've shared and, thought back to recent conversations where my BFF shared some of her successes. For me, I'm more inclined to feel genuine happiness for others when I'm feeling good about myself. I'm more inclined to feel good about myself when I'm practicing self care. I've gotten out of that habit recently and it's taken a toll on me. Could it be the same for you?

We've all received holiday letters from friends or family, chock full of good news, accomplishments, and new adventures. I used to hate getting them because I felt it put a spotlight on my misery.

I'm working on being more realistic about what success means in my world (getting through a day without wanting to tell my DD to eff off, for example) and also about my perception that everyone but me is doing well.

I'm doing the best I can and I'm doing better than I was a month ago, and a whole lot better than I was last year. My life is far from perfect and I still have a lot of work ahead of me. My DD's success, or lack of, is not about me. What I do, is. And I have lots to celebrate.

I invite us all to take ownership of our successes, even the small ones, and to celebrate them as if we're celebrating something huge! Heck yes, I got to work on time twice this week!

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

 For me, I'm more inclined to feel genuine happiness for others when I'm feeling good about myself. I'm more inclined to feel good about myself when I'm practicing self care. I've gotten out of that habit recently and it's taken a toll on me. Could it be the same for you?

No I really have not gotten out of the habit of self care. It's just that there comes a point when all the self care in the world doesn't overide the sheer horror of what we are facing.

[Music Ace]

I am so completely here with this.

I believe I am genuinely happy for the birth of a grandchild, a job interview, an engagement,  ... .etc.

But the other overriding emotion is not resentment, but gut wrenching sadness and rather much like jealousy. 

I don't want others not to have the beauty and joy and normal in life ... .I just don't have it ... .and want it.

Then ... .my sadness and guilt is 400000000x ... .when our best friends' daughter, who has a beautiful little child, secretly and silently losing her 2nd baby. We know one of our daughters will not have children and we are the bonus grandparents of their grandkids. They have suffered along with us with our daughter ... .but then this happens to them.  And they suffer silently. We don't even officially know  ... .they can't share yet, with us, whatever the reason. What a heavy burden, what a horrible loss.

So, when I hear about someone writing their mcats or making honour roll. I am happy and then almost immediately sad because, much as I want to believe there is hope, there is no hope for my child for the life I believed was ahead for her - today. There is no hope of happy or wonderful or even normal for her especially with us ... .TODAY.

I have no reason to believe that will change, but I remind myself regularly  ... .my new mantra ... .today. I will deal with today. Today she is suffering but alive. And that may be the best we can hope for, for today.

And I will continue to be genuinely happy for all the wonderful things offered to others in the world  ... .but eternally wishful that someday she'll see possibilities and positive and love herself (and therefore, possibly even us!).

Thanks FHLKC - for allowing me to share this. It is a daily struggle to not be consumed by the sadness of what isn't today.

Humbly

Ace

[ForeverDevoted]

That’s a very interesting question you’ve asked.
I would say I’m genuinely happy for them but I have two other daughters that I can celebrate for/with, if I didn’t have them I’m not sure how I would react - I’d probably feel a bit resentful if I’m going to be honest.

[FaithHopeLove]

I feel just like you, Ace. It is a daily struggle.

[Music Ace]

Forever Devoted - I, too, have another daughter who allows me to believe that it might not be all my fault.

If she was not in my life, and the person that she is, I'm not sure I would be able to stay sane.  I take everything too personally and clearly have a lot of self doubt, these past 2 years have been unbelievable and the 10 years before that, difficult.

FHLK - a daily struggle . But I'm learning that I can't let it consume me ... .or it will.

OH - you make me smile. I can't say I'm jealous of you ... .nor guilty (although it can happen momentarily when I read your posts) ... .but you find the time to respond to so many people.  It appears that you take this seriously and it is a personal goal. I suspect this giving back is one of your tethers to sanity - your self care! So the emotion I experience, when I remind myself to not feel guilty because I don't respond/support as often as others,... .that emotion is PRIDE. I am glad there are people able to do want I can't and don't want to (because, yes I could... .if I truly wanted to - as you said, we are in control of us! Lol)

Off to a conference of music educators at 730 on a Saturday morning.  There is something positive in my world today. I'm going by choice, not by guilt.  I'm getting there!

DAILY STRUGGLE!

[Mirsa]

Hi,

this is a great post, and I have to say in all honesty, I'm not sure.  I can't say I'm authentically happy about others' successes.   I think I'm happiest when I hear that a child who has had a rocky road or some challenges accomplishes something... .because then I know how hard-earned it is. 

I'm a school administrator and work in a large public school system that is the top-rated school district in the region.  This means that I'm constantly exposed to highly successful and over-achieving students and their accomplishments.  However, every so often, I also hear how a top-rated athlete also has bulemia so badly, she is damaging her esophagus.  Or, the stress of not knowing if a student will get all fives on her three AP courses and a full-ride scholarship to a top college, is making her feel suicidal.  So, sometimes, I do get frustrated at how amazingly awesome these students are... .and then I acknowledge that perhaps it is just how amazing they APPEAR to be. 

Maybe life is a little like social media... .flat, one-dimensional, and fictitiously happy... .  I guess I wish people were more honest about the multiple layers of their lives.  Or, that the incredible chaos of my daughter's life wasn't so obvious to everyone; BPD doesn't even leave me the option of glossing over small bumps to present a rosy picture  (the bumps are too large and obvious to all). 

I'd like to say that I am happy for others' successes, but the fact that I have to employ little mental reminders, (I remind myself that it's just one part of their life, or I'll say in my head, "everyone gets challenges in a different way, at a different time of life");  these mental stratagems make me suspect that I am more resentful than I'd like admit.   This is something I think I could work on, so thanks for getting me to reflect on it... .

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for your response Mirsa. What you said about social media strikes a chord. We really do only see the rosy side of most people's lives. While our struggles are often more public others may well be going through private hell. Probably best to be gentle with all and celebrate everyone's victory because we really don't know the cost

[smallbluething]

  [triggering topics re suicide below]
I feel uncomfortable with the somewhat competitive way some people share their kids achievements on FB or similar forums. I guess they are proud and all, but for some it seems to all come easier whereas I know that many people reading those posts will be quietly having struggles (themselves or with their kids/relatives) that they never reveal. This gives the impression that everyone else's lives are shiny and happy when in reality they are not.

A few weeks before Xmas a work buddy and I were working late on an experiment. We ended up sharing our worries for our (adult) daughters' mental health struggles. However her daughter was in the worse position being deeply depressed and suicidal (one aspect of BPD I've been spared) to the extent that my work-friend was nervous about going away and leaving her daughter for any length of time.

A couple of weeks ago we were getting ready for the next similar experiment when a few days beforehand we learned that my colleague's daughter had finally killed herself so she wouldn't be attending the experiment. I (and my colleagues) were heartbroken for her. Some of us attended the funeral last week - going to a young person's funeral is so hard, so wrong. My work buddy was in pieces. We hugged her and showed our support as best we could but what words or hugs can possibly bring a chink of light into the dark well of grief that is the loss of a child.

In a horrible way, even as this event really shook me, it put my own troubles in perspective. I suppose while we can be happy for others in the good times we also need to be mindful of the burdens and tragedies that others are bearing. Sometimes hidden, and sometimes worse than our own.

[FaithHopeLove]

That is so horrible Small Blue Thing. I agree that sometimes social media is like a competition to show how great everyone's life and offspring are. But it hides so much of the reality that many face. I appreciate the way this place is a safe space for those of us who choose to be real about our struggles.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hope...]

Hello Faith
This is a great post.. I have to be honest here. I am blessed to be able to share my heart on this forum. When I see people on facebook with "normal" families i tend to get a wee jealous.. Not resentful. I have learned there are no perfect families.. I am a berean and dysfunction has been around since Adam and Eve days.. I am saddened to hear about the suicide of the young person. I'm sorry for their loss.  I have worked with alot of cutters.. its a hard place and survivor guilt is real.. Im sorry.
I believe that we all have our stuff.. Even if facebook shows pic of a perfect Christmas or birthdays. I learned a lesson.. When I First moved here.. I live in country.. from a big city. I always wanted a perfect family.. My historyis  I was raised without a dad he died when I was small. It was hard growing up but we appreciated  all we had money was scarce but we learned to and I still appreciate all I have..
So I was with this perfect family.. Ugh.. yelling and control and no appreciation of all the material things they had and I didnt as a child. I realized I loved my dysfunctional family and still do and even though I have had a rocky road with my D I wouldn't trade it for the world. No One will ever love me like mine and I will never love anyone like I do mine.. I guess when I get a little envious I see the blessings of the trials I have had with my D. I can see how much progress we both have made.. it hasn't been easy but I wouldn't trade it for the world and it has made me more persevering and more loving and most important More understanding.. I am a retired counselor.. There is alot of stigmatism with mental health lets be real.. its just a need for healing in a different place.. Im believing..
for healing and more education.. And when I get envious i remember that looks are deceiving.
Being Honest.. tu for this forum and post.
Hope

[smallbluething]

Hello again FaithHopeLove and others on this thread

I should add my thanks for this thread - the topic and eeryone's replies are very interesting to read.

[powerup123]

I know how you feel. I actively avoid parents of children that were in school with my son. Partly this because I’m worried about upsetting him as he has previously been upset about people knowing about his mental health. I now say he is taking some time off to concentrate on improving his health as he has had some health problems if they ask. To be honest I live in a small town and I doubt whether they haven’t heard of his problems.
I do feel a bit envious when people talk about new jobs their sons are starting and other milestones but I try to remember that nothing is as it seems. Most people I know have gone through some difficulties and you’re very lucky to get through life without experiencing grief or heartache. We only see the good bits on Facebook and other social media.

[wendydarling]

Thanks for this thread FHL. I think I must be one of a few that's not face booked. I don't feel resentful of others successes, there is too much suffering in this world for me not to acknowledge the happiness and accomplishment other others when it comes, cos the next day maybe all change as I have learnt. Mirsa my DD was one of those students you mention, she got into one of the most sought after art colleges, she had an eating disorder which she sought help for at the time. 8 years later both DD I learnt about BPD and what was really happening. Sobering.

Smallbluething, hugs to you. I read your post travelling home from work last night, tears rolled down my cheeks and the young man sitting opposite me lent forward and asked if he could help. I passed my phone and showed him your post and we chatted. The kindness and comfort of strangers   One of my team lost his 8yr old to asthma 2 years come March and a colleague her 6 year old daughter swept away by a freak wave on the beach 8 years ago.  I hope your employer is leading the way supporting your work buddy and all colleagues?

And yes it does put things in perspective for us. Every post here on this forum provides us perspective, and belonging and how we can lead and advocate for our families and mental health.

WDx

[smallbluething]

Wendy Darling - thanks for the hugs and I'm glad you found the kindness of strangers. We are doing our best to rally round our friend but at the moment I believe she is overseas as she took her daughter to be buried in their home country. I'll be reaching out to her when she's back. Thankfully all her bosses (boss, boss's boss and so on) have been emphatic that she not worry about any work stuff and take all the time she needs.

I am so glad this forum provides a place where people can reach out when experiencing dark times - and also to learn that there can sometimes at least be light at the end of the tunnel or at least the possibility to find some inner peace.