Zero to 100 in 60 seconds

[AskingWhy]

The other day uBPD H and I had to take one of our cats to the emergency hospital.  The cat was vomiting and had not eaten for 24 hours.

We took the cat in for an exam and had a long wait, which is usual.  The visit was several hundred dollars, no surprise, but the cat simply had bad hair balls, to our relief.  We were given medication for him on discharge.

H and I were both tired after several hours of waiting, and were ready to get the cat home.  The cat had been in his crate at discharge and we secured the crate to the seat belt in the back seat of the car.

Before we started home, H suggests we start the cat on his medication.  H wanted to take the cat out of the crate and medicate him while still in the hospital parking lot.  Tired and a bit annoyed, I simply said we can simply give him the medication at home, and it would not be wise to struggle with an unhappy cat once he was already in his crate and feeling safe.

H immediately took this as an insult.  (Male BPDs are aggressively thin skinned.)  H started shouting in the car, frightening an already upset cat.  He bellowed how he only wanted to help and that I was insulting him and thinking him stupid (actually, I did), and that I was crazy for raising my voice, and on and on.  He called me a "crazy f*ck."  

That ended all my empathy for him then and there.  I knew the BPD was kicking in, but my empathy went out the window at that insult.

I said, "Crazy?  You call me crazy?  I will tell you what is crazy!  Crazy is swallowing a whole bottle of tylenol in a suicide attempt!"  That shut him up immediately.  One of his Ds decided to do this several years ago, and was involuntary committed for week.  (I suspect she is in the BPD spectrum for a number of reasons too long to go into here.)  H did not expect me to bring his D into his tirade against me, but he was asking for it.  (BPDs see their children as extensions of themselves.  My H sees his children as perfect with no faults.)  

I felt sorry for the cat having to listen to the loud, angry shouting of H in the car, but it's a common occurrence in the home.  Both dogs and cats scurry when H raises his voice to me and dysregulates, with cats hiding under the furniture for hours and dogs running into bedrooms and hiding.

It is in these times that I really despise my H and his BPD.  It's nauseating to hear him then talk to one of his children on the phone with a syrupy, sappy voice as they emotionally blackmail him for money and such just moments later.  One of the children uses grand child visits for blackmail.

The whole dysfunctional FOO is a mess and they are caught up in the consequences of bad decision making. I step back and watch the situation implode, and no longer get involved.  Any good advice I give is thrown back in my face, so I keep my distance and watch the house of cards crumble.      

[Cat Familiar]

Poor kitty. You made the best choice to keep the cat in the carrier until you arrived home. So many people lose cats when they’ve gotten loose in a car after an upsetting visit at the vet.

Now if you could only get your husband to have the same compassion for the cat as he feels for his kids, that would be a good step. And maybe after that, for you.

You never know what’s possible. After all he apologized recently for his behavior.

[AskingWhy]

Cat, I knew you'd understand about...cats!  I think H was projecting his humiliation because he knew I was right to leave the cat in the crate.  He also noted that I was irritated at his stupid suggestion.  This was the "shame" part of BPD.

Yes, things are getting slightly better with H, and he dysregulates less.  Who knows?  Hopefully it's a good trend int he making.  My disengaging is getting better and better.