BPD and more anorexia

[snowglobe]

Things are getting progressively worse even though I’m no longer jumping to the rescue. My uBPDh mental health is deteriorating at the speed of light. Before yesterday he went on not eating for 3 consecutive days. He is weighing himself daily, looking at the mirror, awaiting the magic six pack occurring. The plans to see people are being constantly cancelled, he is isolating himself. Yesterday we were supposed to go out. He is constantly cussing and yellling profanities in mine and the children’s presence. Recently I have been taking them and leaving his sight. Yesterday we were driving and he started again. D15 got a migraine so bad, she was sick. His behaviour is taking its toll on the kids. When a mutual friend reminded him on an arrangement that was previously made to meet and go to a restaurant he refused sighting “in on a different wave lengths with you”. Frustrated, the same friend called me and asked what is the reason for a third cancellation in a row. I politely reminded him of my uBPDh atypical manner, and my birthday which uBPDh refused to attend. There are no explanations everyone is asking me about, it’s a disorder. The same friend called him and finally convinced to step out. When we arrived to their house, one of the family members pulled me aside and asked me what my unpdh was on?. The slurred retarded way of speaking, bewildered gaze, incoherent track of thoughts. I brushed it off, but as the evening progressed and the conversation flew, the same friends we looking at me with horror, dismay and repulsion with his behaviour. Some of the examples of last night conversation by uBPDh:” I can’t wait for the war to start, it’s inevitable. You all sit here, privileged, you don’t deserve it. The world as we know and live in has to come to and end.”, “ I hate my d15, in fact I have no feelings for her, I don’t care, my only responsibility to her is to provide food and shelter, I don’t want to worry or take care of her past her 18th birthday”.
This morning when we woke up, he said that he had a wonderful dream. When I asked him on the content he replied that he had sex with a girl from 8th grade. I asked him if he knew that the age of kids in this grade are 13, and asked if he felt bad about it. He denied having any negative feelings. I don’t know if it’s attention seeking and shock value, or his true thoughts.
Same friend from last night shared with me this morning that their entire family is worried about my uBPDh’s health. He looks like he has lost his mind. In fact, with this anorexia onset, it’s getting progressively worse. Yesterday when the Bitcoin was high, he was nasty but bareable. This morning once the bitcoin fell 5% he is livid.
My attempts to separate myself and the kids are being sabotaged by him yelling and cussing, he is constantly calling my name for me to come so he can rage at me for a nominal transgression in his mind. I’m exhausted.

[Notwendy]

You've mentioned on other threads that you are trying to keep your H alive. However ,anorexia ( if that's what it is) is potentially life threatening and needs professional intervention. Loved ones and friends can't provide that.

You are assuming it is anorexia but neither of us are in a position to diagnose him. Your H has a long history of drug addiction. Anorexia was not my first and only though. Anorexia is a side effect of crystal meth and cocaine. IMHO I wonder if he is on one (or both )of these drugs.

I had a friend in college who had anorexia. No matter how much I pleaded to her, she denied she needed help. Eventually she got sick enough to be hospitalized. She then got the help she needed.

Your H is either starving himself and/or it is part of drug abuse. His erratic behavior and strange thinking makes me think it's drugs. My friend with anorexia didn't have this kind of behavior or thinking. She simply had issues with food and her weight. My BPD mother also has eating disorder symptoms but she does not act like your H.

IMHO, I think he needs prompt medical attention. . He's a danger to himself and that alone could get him hospitalized. A drug test and mental evaluation would reveal what is going on. If he's been starving himself he could have some other medical problems from not having nutrition. My friend in college had anemia from not eating. By propping him up and hiding this you could be preventing him from getting what he needs: a diagnosis and medical help. IMHO, this is how to save his life: call 911.  

[snowglobe]

You've mentioned on other threads that you are trying to keep your H alive. However ,anorexia ( if that's what it is) is potentially life threatening and needs professional intervention. Loved ones and friends can't provide that.

You are assuming it is anorexia but neither of us are in a position to diagnose him. Your H has a long history of drug addiction. Anorexia was not my first and only though. Anorexia is a side effect of crystal meth and cocaine. IMHO I wonder if he is on one (or both )of these drugs.

I had a friend in college who had anorexia. No matter how much I pleaded to her, she denied she needed help. Eventually she got sick enough to be hospitalized. She then got the help she needed.

Your H is either starving himself and/or it is part of drug abuse. His erratic behavior and strange thinking makes me think it's drugs. My friend with anorexia didn't have this kind of behavior or thinking. She simply had issues with food and her weight. My BPD mother also has eating disorder symptoms but she does not act like your H.

IMHO, I think he needs prompt medical attention. . He's a danger to himself and that alone could get him hospitalized. A drug test and mental evaluation would reveal what is going on. If he's been starving himself he could have some other medical problems from not having nutrition. My friend in college had anemia from not eating. By propping him up and hiding this you could be preventing him from getting what he needs: a diagnosis and medical help. IMHO, this is how to save his life: call 911.  

Wendy,
I just got off the phone with mental health intake in our district. Because his iq is so high, he is able to rationalize his weight loss by trying to get healthier to a Keto diet. He also says that he isn’t starving himself, but detoxing on intermittent diet. Even our family doctor is reluctant to do anything. I was advised to go before the officer justice of peace and present my case with d15, I need a witness and evidence. I know for fact that he isn’t taking drugs, which on its own even scarier. In fact, at this point I would actually prefer this explanation. It would not be as severe as something he is currently going through. Once I present the case, if the justice of the peace officer with find it sufficient, they will order mandatory psych evaluation for BPDh. I’m scared, I’m scared for reprocussions should he not get the right kind of help. Will he hurt me then? Yet I can’t just stand back and watch his do this to himself.

[Notwendy]

Something is going on. He's unstable mentally. I hope the judge agrees.

I would still ask for drug testing. I hope they do it routinely on people who are acting like he is. He could be just hiding it well. He's able to do that. A drug test would be more accurate.

I suppose you still have the option of  calling 911 if the court does not work out or there is a long wait.  Someone can behave for a few moments, but you see him all the time.

Not everyone with BPD acts like this. IMHO, he has something in addition going on and needs to be evaluated.

[AskingWhy]

Snowglobe, you must certainly know that you must find an experienced mental health professional to be your ally to get your H help.

I think you are on the right track with getting legal aide at this point.

pwBPD, especially the intelligent ones, can manipulate most people with alarming ease, including an inexperienced counselor or psychotherapist.  When my uBPD H and I had marriage counseling many years ago (which proved fruitless, no surprise), my H had the social worker eating out of his hand after one meeting with him.  I had the first session and the counselor was offering me the name of a family law attorney.  Something happened in that one on one session that turned the counselor against me.  Ts are not supposed to take sides in therapy, but her the T was shouting at me, telling me to shape us or I would "lose" the man who loved me.  It was utterly unreal.

I would interview mental health professional in your area (city or county) with legal authority to help your H get the help he needs.  This is a matter of health now.  

[empath]

My h says he's "training for a marathon" and managing his health through diet...  They do know what to say so that people just give them support without realizing that it's not a healthy situation.

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot that can be done until something very bad happens.

[snowglobe]

Hello All,
Update:
As if he has a sixth sense, uBPDh started talking late Sunday night about “changing up his health plan”, meaning starting to eat. He did indeed eat on Monday. Due to the fear of reprocussions not only for myself, but more so for d15, who would have to witness testify should we go in front of the judge, I took the second route- which is again going to the family doctor and ringing the alarm, in hope that he would get the authorities involved. The blame will fall on me, regardless, but I want to spare her, should my attempts become unsuccessful. He also changed his tune from outright character slaughter to making his sexual advances while I’m deep in my REM. What I realized, essentially that any time there is an opportunity for emotional intimacy, he isn’t capable of it.

[Notwendy]

Whether it is intentional or not, your H's sequential "crises" take all your focus off anything else but him. Just at the moment you are taking steps to take your focus on to you- there's another crisis- his job, his cocaine, his threats, his anorexia and it's all about him. He's in control as long as he's in some crisis that you are focused on.

There was a segment on Dr. Phil with a person in a family who had anorexia. The family was completely focused on this person- whether she ate at a meal or not, what she ate, what she was feeling. While clearly she was suffering from her issues, there was also a payoff. She was the center of attention. She controlled the whole family.

Dr. Phil said to them " you are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".


With all your focus on your H's series of continuous crises, you are swept around by them. To stay steady in this storm, you have to take your focus off of him and on to you and stay the course.

You mentioned you attended a support group but the families were lower functioning than you? I don't know how many groups you attended, but I would question that. You may have more material things than some of them, but that isn't a sign of functioning. The only thing standing between my BPD mother and a mental institution is my father ( when he was alive )and the money he left her ( and heaven knows what she is doing with it now). You say your H is employed but only when you were propping him up and then barely. He's unemployed now. Dysfunction does not spare higher socio-economic classes.

When I was first told to go to groups, I was nervous to be in a group with alcoholics, drug addicts and co-dependents. I didn't know what to expect. I don't have a drug or alcohol problem. What I learned in time was that- some of the people don't have jobs or money to sustain them, others do- among the group are also doctors, college professors, people in finance, artists, musicians-  they are there to work on themselves and support each other. The idea that some are higher functioning or not didn't really apply. Dysfunction is dysfunction. I may not relate to everyone in the group, but I can relate to many of them in some way. It took some time to get the benefits of being there.

 

[snowglobe]

Whether it is intentional or not, your H's sequential "crises" take all your focus off anything else but him. Just at the moment you are taking steps to take your focus on to you- there's another crisis- his job, his cocaine, his threats, his anorexia and it's all about him. He's in control as long as he's in some crisis that you are focused on.

There was a segment on Dr. Phil with a person in a family who had anorexia. The family was completely focused on this person- whether she ate at a meal or not, what she ate, what she was feeling. While clearly she was suffering from her issues, there was also a payoff. She was the center of attention. She controlled the whole family.

Dr. Phil said to them " you are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".


With all your focus on your H's series of continuous crises, you are swept around by them. To stay steady in this storm, you have to take your focus off of him and on to you and stay the course.

You mentioned you attended a support group but the families were lower functioning than you? I don't know how many groups you attended, but I would question that. You may have more material things than some of them, but that isn't a sign of functioning. The only thing standing between my BPD mother and a mental institution is my father ( when he was alive )and the money he left her ( and heaven knows what she is doing with it now). You say your H is employed but only when you were propping him up and then barely. He's unemployed now. Dysfunction does not spare higher socio-economic classes.

When I was first told to go to groups, I was nervous to be in a group with alcoholics, drug addicts and co-dependents. I didn't know what to expect. I don't have a drug or alcohol problem. What I learned in time was that- some of the people don't have jobs or money to sustain them, others do- among the group are also doctors, college professors, people in finance, artists, musicians-  they are there to work on themselves and support each other. The idea that some are higher functioning or not didn't really apply. Dysfunction is dysfunction. I may not relate to everyone in the group, but I can relate to many of them in some way. It took some time to get the benefits of being there.

Wendy,
Thank you for bringing my focus back to the fact that the entire universe has to revolve around my uBPDh for him to function.
What I meant by not connecting is the fact that my uBPDh doesn’t suddenly leave in the middle of the night because he is upset, or the fact that I don’t go searching for him in the dumpster, while he is engaged in pay for sex act to score some drugs. I didn’t mean the income bracket, I meant severely if his behaviours. I also meant that I almost felt bad, when I heard emotional pleas of the loved ones who don’t know if they will see their BPDs alive tomorrow. Coming from severe poverty, as you know, this aspect scares me, but I know that one can go from riches to rugs in one instance. I will go again this week, as try to keep an open mind. The support group is for relatives and loved ones, who have a person with BPD in their respective lives

[Notwendy]

I think we all have different aspects of BPD affect our lives- it is a spectrum and some situations seem worse than others. But the common thread to all of us is our tendency to enable and walk on eggshells. For any change to happen it has to be with us, not them. Their "severity" matters less than our "severity" of co-dependency because we are the ones who need to take steps for change to happen. If the focus of the group is on the nons- and how to make these changes then it could be worthwhile.