25 yr old daughter with BPD

[ccpow]

I have only discovered my adult child's probable diagnosis of BPD less than a year ago, although she has shown symptoms since high school.  I have been advised by my psychologist to move my daughter into an apartment because it's been so difficult to live in her chaos each day. I, of course, have reservations.  I feel as though I am enabling her at home but I also don't see her capable of living independently.  She has not tried to get any sort of job or attend school.  She disappears with strange and dangerous people on many occasions for weeks at a time only to return home to sleep and refuel.  It's always the calm before the next storm.  Im exhausted, defeated, and out of ideas.   !

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smallbluething]

You've come to the right place for help and support. There is great info here about different ways to interact with your daughter that may improve things (at least for your state of mind), whether she stays living with you or not.

I am a recovering enabler somewhat I guess but I'm trying to let my own DD21 take more responsibility for her own stuff and to let go a little. It isn't easy though and I have to check in here to keep my focus! I found the material here very helpful and the old hands here are the best coaching team!

[mamabolivia]

How difficult for you. When you get even more exhausted and defeated, then you can consider the therapist's advice. I know. I've been in the same situation for 5 years now with my 20 y-o BPD daughter. The icy cold fear when she doesn't come home, the state she is in when she does come back, so many questions, so much fear. I realised that I was becoming traumatised, constantly walking on eggshells, so so sad all the time. When she said she wanted to move out (I'll admit that I made her cosy life at home a little difficult), I was relieved and she left just a week ago. It was not how I had wanted her to leave home (university, job) but it is what it is. She sends me sweet messages every day, we chat, and my aches, pains and depression have all lifted. I believe that this is the best for both of us (and even better because it was her decision).
This is all so very hard, but I do know that we're crazy thinking that doing the same thing over and over will get a different result, so we have to keep changing tack to see what will happen. Try not to overthink (which I certainly do), and move forward. Don't let the big bad hand of fear drag you back into the dark.
I shall keep you in my thoughts today cc

[ccpow]

Thank you so much for the reply.  You advice is certainly helpful.  I am hoping that if I provide a safe place for her to live, she will be in less danger.  She says she hates being at home, even though its a lovely place to be.  I think she feels like she is being scrutinized by my husband and son.  It's the typical BPD that everyone is out to get her.  I have so many fears about providing the apartment, as well.  BUT...as you said, i won't know until we try.  My life is a constant state of anxiety and exhaustion.  God help us all! 

[wendydarling]

Hiya ccpow 

I join smallbluething and momabolivia welcoming you to family here.

I have been advised by my psychologist to move my daughter into an apartment because it's been so difficult to live in her chaos each day. I, of course, have reservations.  I feel as though I am enabling her at home but I also don't see her capable of living independently.  She has not tried to get any sort of job or attend school.

I can understand the psychologist suggesting you financially support your DD to protect yourself. Are there limits attached to your financial support? Is your psychologist sharing with you the big picture, you are buying into and the next steps? As you say you have reservations, it helps to talk 

WDx 

[Moana]

Do most people pay for their BPD adult children when they move out? My BPD18 wants to move out but could never afford to on her part time salary, I am not even sure she could afford it if she worked full time. Living with a roommate would be a little cheaper but like many BPD's I don't think she could do that.

Apartments are expensive in our area and once you add in all the other expenses and a car, insurance, etc. there is no way she could do it unless we were to foot most of the bill which we are not willing / able to do at this point.

[Manifest32f]

Hi:
I am in a similar situation although slightly different in that my uBPDd, I think, can certainly afford to manage on her own but refuses to, blaming us for not ‘letting her move out’ when she wanted to, without making any constructive effort! For her, anything she has not done is ‘because of us’ and all else when things are going good, is her effort ‘despite’ us! Nothing is good enough when it comes to us doing things for her. There’s always a complaint, an argument & fight, bringing back the same things time and time again and never being able to move on! It is very exhausting and discouraging since as parents, we are continually trying to do things with the hope it will elicit a positive response. I really feel completely lost at times, wondering when will all change.
Thanks for being there for me.

[Mirsa]

I'm so sorry to hear that your home isn't a safe haven for you.  I think it really should be.  I hope you can work with the psychologist on a plan to move her out into her own space.  Lots of young adults have later testified that having their parents push them out of the nest was really difficult, and a turning point in their lives, prompting them to turn it around and become more responsible.  She sounds like the type of person who might need a bit of a nudge in this direction.  Perhaps the psychologist could work with you and your family to develop a plan, timeline, and concrete expectations of her to get a job, save money, etc.  It's easy to get exhausted and resentful when an adult child isn't even trying to move forward into adulthood.  Sounds like the psychologist could be  great resource for you. 

Good luck!