Rages at me when he misplaces stuff

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am so bloody tired today and fed up right now.

 It's an everyday thing with him. He throws down his keys, wallet, cigarettes etc. anywhere he feels like. Then, he can't find it and guess who he yells at?

This morning he had to leave for work at 4. He couldn't find his pills and wallet and literally woke me up by shouting at me "where did you put my pills? Where's my wallet?" Slamming doors and storming around here. The pills were left in his car were he told me last night to leave them and was right next to me in the car at the time. His f ing wallet was on the dresser as always.

This is far from the first time I've woken up with him shouting at me because he can't find his stuff. It's becoming the norm.

Today it made me extra angry because today I was so hoping to get enough rest because we went to bed earlier and I was looking forward to sleeping til 8.

 I feel he very much controls my sleeping. Telling me when we go to bed - always much later than I want. If I go to bed earlier, he wakes me up and shouts about how mean I am for going to bed without him. He stays up late at night doing nothing but chain smoking weed and cigarettes. I am expected to wait until he has had enough of that even if it's at 1 in the morning.

Then in the mornings he wakes me even when I have asked him not to (usually at 6am on the dot).  He then rages about wanting to talk to me in the mornings and that I am mean for wanting to sleep.

Last week I slept out twice just so I can get some sleep.

As for him misplacing things. I am always hanging his house, car and office keys on the key hanger after picking them up all over the house and outside.  He knows I do this so he can easily find them. Yet he will still yell at me about not finding his keys. To this I always ask if he checked the key hanger and it usually turns out he didn't. Then he shouts at me about moving his stuff as if he knew his car keys was lying on the lawn in the back yard and so on.

I have even at times stopped picking these things up and putting them in there place. It's no use because even then he shouts at me when he can't find them.

I told him he's a big boy and it is his responsibility.  He agrees, but only until the next time he can't find something.

[Perdita]

I am so bloody tired today and fed up right now.

 It's an everyday thing with him. He throws down his keys, wallet, cigarettes etc. anywhere he feels like. Then, he can't find it and guess who he yells at?

This morning he had to leave for work at 4. He couldn't find his pills and wallet and literally woke me up by shouting at me "where did you put my pills? Where's my wallet?" Slamming doors and storming around here. The pills were left in his car were he told me last night to leave them and was right next to me in the car at the time. His f ing wallet was on the dresser as always.

This is far from the first time I've woken up with him shouting at me because he can't find his stuff. It's becoming the norm.

Today it made me extra angry because today I was so hoping to get enough rest because we went to bed earlier and I was looking forward to sleeping til 8.

 I feel he very much controls my sleeping. Telling me when we go to bed - always much later than I want. If I go to bed earlier, he wakes me up and shouts about how mean I am for going to bed without him. He stays up late at night doing nothing but chain smoking weed and cigarettes. I am expected to wait until he has had enough of that even if it's at 1 in the morning.

Then in the mornings he wakes me even when I have asked him not to (usually at 6am on the dot).  He then rages about wanting to talk to me in the mornings and that I am mean for wanting to sleep.

Last week I slept out twice just so I can get some sleep.

As for him misplacing things. I am always hanging his house, car and office keys on the key hanger after picking them up all over the house and outside.  He knows I do this so he can easily find them. Yet he will still yell at me about not finding his keys. To this I always ask if he checked the key hanger and it usually turns out he didn't. Then he shouts at me about moving his stuff as if he knew his car keys was lying on the lawn in the back yard and so on.

I have even at times stopped picking these things up and putting them in there place. It's no use because even then he shouts at me when he can't find them.

I told him he's a big boy and it is his responsibility.  He agrees, but only until the next time he can't find something.

[formflier]

Can you give him a choice of sleeping with you respectfully or sleeping alone?   That would require you to take action to go to another room..keep a door locked, go to a hotel..etc etc.

By and large I've won the sleeping wars ( I could tell you stories...)  I had to because of sleep disorders that I have.  My sleep hygiene requirements are unusually high.  Sleep disturbances knock me down for days.

Anyway...can we focus on sleep?  What have you tried to ensure rest?

FF

[formflier]

As for picking stuff up.

Please stop it.  Never again.  When he shouts respond with "I'm available in the next room for a cordial conversation."  Walk to the next room. (Do NOT say "you are shouting".  You are letting him know how he can communicate to you if he desires.  Let him sort through consequences of choosing another method.  Do not explain this to him.)

Give him NOTHING useful for shouting (assuming the house is literally not on fire or  a "real" reason for shouting)

Back up a bit.  

If a toddler is never taught to tie his shoes...how does he learn?  (I suspect your pwBPD knows how to put his stuff away)

If a toddler is never "allowed" to tie his shoes (because mommy always does it)...how does he learn?  (I suspect this is where you are.  He realizes it's easier for you to do it...and you kinda agree with him.)

Thoughts?

FF

[Ltahoe]

I can relate to this, my wife is very disorganized and it drives me nuts. Her idea of cleaning is the laziest way possible and since she doesn’t like doing it she doesn’t concentrate on what she’s doing. The other week she threw away something she needed, she then proceeded to get mad at me for her action of throwing it away. When I pointed this out she accused me for letting her throw it away. Of course I had no idea she was in the process of throwing it away so I pointed this out too.

I’m just in awe how someone can legitimately blame someone for their own acts. You can do everything perfect and if you’re not screwing up they will and blame it on you. Sometimes I really feel like they’re waiting to have a reason to rage at you and if they don’t they’ll create one through their own acts.

Could you imagine if the tables had been turned and you woke up the pwBPD with such demands?

Sorry you have to deal with this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Perdita, Sleep deprivation is a technique used to break down prisoners of war, and in a sense he's breaking you down, too.  His rage, particularly at 4:00 a.m., is unacceptable.  Suggest you leave the room, leave the house or stay elsewhere, as needed.  I spent many a night at the local motel when my BPDxW was throwing a tantrum.  Don't let him control your sleeping, which in my view is abusive.  Boundaries (see Tools, above) are a good starting point.

LuckyJim

[Perdita]

Thank you for the replies.

Formflier, I have a separate bedroom where I sleep most nights and I keep it locked.  Usually I lie down with him at night until he is asleep. Only then can I go without him getting upset. He eats in bed during the night, is messy and noisy. Having a room to myself doesn't stop him from shouting me awake and either banging at the door or throwing things around in another room.  Part of it is probably BPD, but I think a bigger chunk is childishness and selfishness.

Like you sleeping is an issue for me as it is. I have an autoimmune disease that effects my ability to sleep well. This in  turn can really mess up an entire day for me. He knows this, but just can't be bothered to be considerate. It's all about him in his mind.

Ltahoe. So true what you wrote there. It feels as though I can never win no matter how hard I try. I always get picked at about some crap or the other.

Lucky Jim, thanks for comfirming what I too feel. It is abusive and I believe a way to break me down and control me.

[formflier]

I think you are making a mistake by staying with him until he goes to sleep.

It's like you are putting a child to sleep, reading him a bedtime story..and then Mom goes off to get "her" sleep.

Isn't it time for him to grow up? 

Yes...in the short run it will get louder.  Toddlers will pitch a fit when they don't get their way.   If the fit pitching "works"...they will keep doing it.  If it doesn't...it will eventually die out.


FF

[formflier]

  I spent many a night at the local motel when my BPDxW was throwing a tantrum. 

As have I. 

Luckily I have pretty much won the "sleep wars". 

I would get out of bed and give a choice.  Either calm..or I depart.  One chance.  Once I started to leave...I would be begged to stay...or sometimes raged at.  Very important to make sure you depart...

The next night is a new chance.

Hopefully there is a cheap motel close by.

Best,

FF

[Perdita]

It's actually been very helpful to hear that I am not the only one fighting with my SO about getting to sleep at night. I feel less alone. Thank you all.

[once removed]

It's actually been very helpful to hear that I am not the only one fighting with my SO about getting to sleep at night. I feel less alone.

we also have the following workshop on dealing with this issue: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63454.0

[Perdita]

Once Removed,  thank you for that excellent link. I will read it properly in the morning once I am no longer sleep deprived!

[Ltahoe]

OnceRemoved

That read is very interesting. I never understood how pwBPD could rage at you right before bed and pass out like they took a sedative. Almost like they got a high out of the rage that knocked them out. Then you get left hanging like what the heck, now I can’t sleep cause you just created and issue and I’m bothered. Or in the middle of the night I’ve had my pwBPD not able to sleep. I try to be considerate cuddle them or ask if they’re ok and that can lead to a lashing out. Of course then I wake up and leave the room, go do something for 30 mins and all the sudden come back and my pwBPD sleep issue is gone and now sound asleep. I seriously have felt like my wife’s night time  rage is a sleeping aid for her.

[formflier]

  I seriously have felt like my wife’s night time  rage is a sleeping aid for her.

This is EXACTLY the experience I had.  1am my wife would get going..I was horrified.  Then when her "flame" burned out she would flop off to sleep (like a baby).  I was sitting their trying to figure out what the heck just happened..awake for hours and when I did sleep if was very fitful.  So I felt like crap the next day.

She would appear rested in the morning and seemed genuinely perplexed as to why I was cross.  Trying to explain to her what she did got nowhere...

Very frustrating.

FF