Daughter's job may be in peril

[sunydisp]

This is my first post. Thank you for any help you can give. My 33 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD and is in group therapy. In 2010 while living in another state, she cut her wrist, although the wounds were superficial. She was then misdiagnosed with bi-polar by a psychiatrist there. She moved home to live with me in 2012 to heal and last year felt well enough to finally get her own apartment. I know the clinic where she goes now but I don't know much else. I would love to talk to her therapist to see how she's progressing but I doubt if she would give me permission. When I asked her about this, she advised me to get my own therapist and to research BPD so I would know better how to relate to her. I am in the process of doing that and it's why I'm so glad I found this website as there are no support groups in my community. I really want to know if her therapy is doing any good. The video on the home page brought me to tears as I now understand more precisely what she has been going through. And of course I now regret some of the ways I've tried to handle explosive situations in the past. I am learning. I am always worried about her. Our story is very long and complicated and it would take a book to describe what we've gone through together but right now the pressing issue is that I believe her new job is in jeopardy. This is her first full time job after getting an associate degree. Before that, all of her jobs were part time and none lasted more than a year or so. When I asked her recently if she could take on a few bills of hers that I've been paying, she declined saying "Well, I could renegotiate my salary in six months if I last that long". She has had this job for only a few months. She also texted "Sorry I'm such a broke ass loser." This is a typical response when she's down. I texted back "No you're not" and "You'll get there eventually" because she has improved immensely since she moved home. After thinking about this response for a day and after listening to the video, I realize that I may have invalidated her so I texted her saying that if she ever needs support when her emotions spiral, to please call me or ask me to stop by. Did I handle this right? Is there anything else I can do to encourage her to be more positive at her job? How can I find out if she is getting the right kind of therapy? I think it's DBT but I'm not sure. She is a very talented artist, super intelligent and has such promise in life if she can overcome this. I want to do all I can to help. Any advise you can give will be more than welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

hello Sunny disp, It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances. You are definitely in the right place to get help and support. I can see you love your daughter a lot. That matters. At this point your might feel overwhelmed. A new BPD diagnosis will do that. The good news is there is hope. You can learn to communicate better with your daughter and improve your relationship. Many of the resources here will help you. You are not alone.

[wendydarling]

Hello sunidisp

I join Faith welcoming you. 

I would love to talk to her therapist to see how she's progressing but I doubt if she would give me permission. When I asked her about this, she advised me to get my own therapist and to research BPD so I would know better how to relate to her. I am in the process of doing that and it's why I'm so glad I found this website as there are no support groups in my community. I really want to know if her therapy is doing any good. The video on the home page brought me to tears as I now understand more precisely what she has been going through.

I relate, so very hard when our children are adults, my 30DD (dx at 26) would say the same to me, if I asked her. She'd tell me to butt out. The key thing to recognise is when they are taking on responsibility for their mental health and independence in small manageable steps for them. My DD comes to me when she wants me to listen. I've learnt that here, you can reassure your DD, you get it, her.

WDx

[sunydisp]

Thank you for sharing that you face the same issue. Now that I know what my daughter is going through (and oh how I wish I had known this long, long ago), I feel a lot more comfortable about how to communicate with her. And now that she lives on her own, she can choose when to come see me and of course it's usually when she's feeling good about her life. So now it's always great to see her and to hear about her progress (and I tell her so), but I worry about those times when she's alone with her cat and spiraling into her emotions. In the end, I have to tell myself that no news is good news and try not to worry so much. When she doesn't respond to my texts, I check with her brother to see if he's heard from her. He gets back to me right away. I also sent him the link to this website's video so he now knows why she's been the way she has for so many years. Between myself, her brother and her boyfriend, she has lots of support. Let's hope her recovery continues on a positive path. 

[Lollypop]

Welcome

Number 1 predictor of recovery of Borderline Personality Disorder is the presence of a caring and empathetic person in the patient's life

This is a quote from:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Praising doesn’t work. Telling them it’ll be OK doesn’t work.

What works is for them to FEEL understood and loved. Just like us.

When you’re daughter shares (so excelkent that she feels safe to do so with you - brilliant!) that she’s feeling unsure and fearful about her job then I would LISTEN.

You reflected on your conversation and took action by offering her emotional support. That’s a great start. Using short statements loaded with empathy really helps.

When I don’t  get things just right when I’m in the moment I go back and do what I call a re-do.  “You know, I’ve bern thinking about what you said the other day. You must be feeling really xxxtty about xxxx. I’d felt exactly the same when xxx. I just thought I’d let you know I understand”

Hope this helps. Sorry I’ve got to fly out now. So lovely to meet you!

LP