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Author Topic: Threatening Divorce AGAIN  (Read 1213 times)
eggshellfiancee

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« on: February 26, 2019, 04:43:18 PM »

I've been here before with my husband and you've all been really supportive.  My husband is in denial of possible BPD but has all the risk factors and symptoms.  We go through ups and downs that are so dramatic it's crazy.  For weeks on end he can't get enough of me and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, then he'll snap and suddenly every little thing is a sign of how self-centered I am and how much I don't love him and how much he wishes he'd never met me and can't wait to divorce me. He threatens divorce every few months. THen his episodes calm down and we are able to recover, but it's like I'm always waiting for the next one.

We've recently been through some fairly huge life changes - he lost his job and we've moved to a new city. I started a new job immediately and have been pretty busy with that. He is still unemployed and I know it bothers him but he' s not doing much to fix it. I think he's projecting some of the feelings of inadequacy he has.

I accidentally took a stimulant late at night last night (grabbed the wrong bottle when trying to take sleeping pill), and it was  a silly mistake. I woke up at about 2am unable to go to sleep. I didn't realize it but he had run out to do some late night shopping (he's a night owl and often does this). When he came back he asked why I was awake and then we both realized what had happend. He FLIPPED and started telling me that this is the kindof thing that's why he's leaving me - that he cant have kids with someone who makes such silly mistakes (for the record, I'm excellent with kids and take 100x more care than I did last night and he knows that), and repeated the refrain he's been on for hte past few weeks - i'm useless garbage and there's no reason for me to even exist much less in his life.  Completely flipping out about it. He turns into a small child throwing a tantrum - banging on his head, stomping his feet, face turning red, the whole deal. Then suddenly it's my fault the cat is eating toilet paper.  He's the only one that ever does anything around the house, etc.

I'm exhausted and don't know how much more of this i can take. I love the part of him that I know is good, and I know that all of this stems from severe trauma that he hasn't addressed, but I dont know how much more I can sacrifice myself on behalf of this trauma (Ironically, I'M the self-centered one, this entire relationship is about me, and im shallow and only relate to peopel based on how they relate to my life and how they make me feel). Any words of "i've been there" would be helpful. Or any tips. Im at my whits end. Its interfering with my job performance and I just started so i want to leave a good impression.
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« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2019, 05:57:23 PM »

It sounds like he's really insecure about not having found a job and is projecting a lot of his own feelings of inadequacy upon you.

What do you say or do when he starts criticizing you like that?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2019, 02:46:49 AM »

Eggshellfiancee, my uBPD H, in looking back over 20 years of marriage, always had the signs:  fragile identity, explosive anger, verbally abusive, enmeshed with his adult children (they emotionally blackmail him), raised in a family with abuse and a uNPD F, etc.  

What you are describing is "cycling."  The cycle of calm and relatively normal, tension building, then dysregulating and explosive rage, calming down and returning to "normal."

Men with BPD have such fragile egos that they have to lash out at their wives or SOs in order to feel good about themselves.  My H, in the last several years, made divorce threats.  He would say he hated me, hated being married to me, and was just waiting for the time to have me served with papers.  This has gone on so long that I can't recall when it started.  It was over 8 years ago.  So far he has not had me served.  Just this past year he made four divorce threats over a period of three days. 

The life changes appear to me to be triggers to your H's dysregulations.

When the threats first started, I would cry and beg him not to divorce me, apologise for whatever he said I did, grovel to talk it over and work things out, etc.  Now I just laugh at him.  Whenever I see a discussion is going bad, I say, "Why don't we skip over all this and just tell me you want a divorce?"   Then I leave the room.  Without me crying and getting upset, he has no power in the threat.   This is called "disengaging."

I am at the point in the marriage anyway now that I know I can survive a divorce from him should he initiate one. I contacted my own attorney and know my rights.

Your saying a tantrum is right.  pwBPD are like infants, having only two emotions:  contentment and rage.  (Read about "object relations" in psychology.)  Just the other day my H dysregulated about something trivial, and he broke kitchen glassware on the tile floor.  I did not respond or cry, I only made sure the pets were safely in another room, and left him to clean up his own mess.    (BTW, maybe the cat is eating the paper because your H is dysregulating.  Pets are very responsive to the bad vibes in a house hold.)

Be strong.  I know it's very painful but it's not about you; it's about him and his insecurity.  

Your H's behaviour is affecting you as you are having problems with your medications.  It's good you only too a stimulant and not something else that caused an emergency reaction.  You might want to look into some mindfulness training so you can be in the moment and not distracted in your actions.  You also don't want to be distracted at work.

Here are a few good articles on borderline men.  You may see your H described in them:

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/02/an-interesting-mix-male-borderline-personality-disorder/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201405/men-borderline-personality-disorder

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-almost-effect/201406/male-borderline-personality-disorder-being-second-best











« Last Edit: February 27, 2019, 03:02:24 AM by AskingWhy » Logged
eggshellfiancee

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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2019, 08:39:55 AM »

Thank you for your responses.

I held myself in pretty well this week but I lost it this morning.

Last night he went out with a friend and got very drunk. He woke me up to come get him because he was in no position to drive. I did, and then I made sure he had water and was in bed. We have been sleeping in different beds but this night he slept in ours so I just laid down with him. A few minutes later he says “can you just go away? Go.” So I did. Then he was like “I hope you never come back.” I didn’t let myself get upset - he was drunk and is in the middle of a meltdown so I didn’t personalize it

This morning I woke up to him throwing the toilet paper into the bed with me yelling about the cat. Then he took all of my clothes out of the drawers and dumped them on the floor. He started going off again about me being a bad wife and how I’ve done nothing for him, and then flipped out over the heat being on (he turned the heat on- I haven’t touched it- but he’s in such a delusion right now he doesn’t even realize he did it). He then went into our closet and started throwing my clothes around. I lost control. I started crying and fighting back even though I know better. He just kept saying “what, are you gonna leave me? Boohoo!”

It’s OBVIOUS that he’s projecting and also trying to push to see how far he can get me to go. We had plans to have a serious talk tonight and I don’t know if he is even willing.

Yesterday he got upset because his drawer was overstuffed (we just moved and have limited furniture). I spent the entire time he was out of the house rearranging things to make more room for his clothes. I’ve been needing to do this anyway. I was proud of how nice our room looked. I wasn’t looking for recognition, but getting the opposite reaction- you’re a horrible wife and I wish you’d leave you don’t do anything around here anyway.” Is so saddening.
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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2019, 10:22:20 AM »

Good Morning EggShells,

I can concur with most of what you have posted…

The anger, the "get away from me"… "mean drunk"… threats of divorce… even the bit about the clothes being "thrown around, and even out the door!".

None of this is "normal", and it hurts, it hurt the first time it happens… and then it happens again .. and again… and yet again : (

As AskingWhy has written many times, about the puppies, and the kitty's all running for cover, and hiding, when a dysregulation, shouting match starts… what do they call it, "BPD rage"… they would go into my sons room, and hid with him, he would shut his door, he is my autistic son, a step mother senario… so none of this is even close to "good" for him ; (

… talk about negative over stimulation… that + autism = bad

I guess I don't have anything really good to offer you, other than many of us have also experienced what you are right now… please just take care of yourself, and don't let it escalate to anything physical… hitting, pushing, slapping… not good… that usually comes after throwing & breaking things, which happens during; and or after the shouting starts.

... we, as "non's" crave normalcy, & routine, "calm waters"… and these relationships with low, or high functioning BPD people are far from normal most times… and it wears you down… makes you question your own sanity… seems even when we try to do everything right, it still blows up in our faces… and we stay in that heightened state, of emotional flight - fight - freeze - fawn… and to be in this constant state of emotional hypersensitivity... will do damage to your physical body, as well your emotional body, mind, spirit, and soul over the long haul… tough stuff,

Hang in there eggshellfiancee, and keep posting… it sure helps to be able to come her and dump it, and to have others listen, and share, and be on the path with you…

Kind Regards, Red5
 
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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May all beings be happy, may all beings find peace


« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 07:52:28 PM »

Hey,

This resonated with me, some wise words from peers here.

Take care of yourself first, keep in mind its not about you even though there is the dissonance of it being so personal.  Its a bewildering, topsy turvy experience that requires us to take space, gain perspective, reach out and not get isolated.

Best wishes
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Ltahoe
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2019, 07:02:18 AM »

Eggshell,

Divorce threats again. Sounds like the story of my life, except for one difference I do happen to have children with my BPDw. So I’m in a little different spot so I can tell you what it’s like to have kids.  So your H says you’re not responsible enough to have kids, anyone in reality or that knows about pwBPD know it’s really the other way around. Sure he attacked you and said it’s you but I wouldn’t think about it in that regards. As someone that has children with a pwBPD I’d actually strongly consider if you really do want children with someone like this?

I get it marriage, kids it’s all part of the dream and it’s a realistic dream not a fantasy. So I’ll tell you in my case I love my children to death I really do, but children are supposed to be a shared responsibility. So if a pwBPD is not responsible who do you think will have the overwhelming majority of responsibility when it comes to raising your children. My W wants more kids and I definitely don’t because I’m the one stuck with the financial burdens as my W isn’t responsible when it comes to work. When things are good I get help around the house but when not I’m pulling a good chunk of that weight too, when it comes to homework you guessed it I’m expected to pull that weight too. So in my case I spend 50-60 hrs a week on working, cook the majority of meals for the family, and can also be responsible for the majority of household chores which increase with kids. Let’s just say I’m busy for 16 plus hours of a day making up for the lack of my wife’s responsibility.

Just be aware bringing kids in to a relationship with pWBPD is like being a single parent to your kids and your partner sort of. So in the end it’s him insulting you with the kids thing but I’d really overlook that and reflect on reality not his words. After almost 10 years of being with my partner I can tell the divorce threats don’t cease to exist. When you think about it in my situation it’s a real mess custody, support, spousal maintenance, well being of the kids, if I’m not around to keep W in check who will when she has her custody time? Etc. I’m almost jealous that your H would say that to you, because looking back on what I know now if my W had said that to me before she had got pregnant and I knew she had BPD at the time I would have been very willing to agree with her and grateful to never have had children with her.
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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2019, 11:21:48 AM »

WHAT HE SAID  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post) Paragraph header (click to insert in post)
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Red5
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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2019, 12:19:28 PM »

Marriage, undiagnosed disordered wife, kids… divorce… estrangement...

wow ; (

I should write a damn book.

I was married before, in another life time it seems now… I’ve written in pieces’ parts and fragments all over these boards about it…

Got married young, she was barely seventeen, I was eighteen… we were pregnant… looking back now, she wanted to escape her abusive home life… long story.

So Red5 to the rescue !

We remained married for 21 years... just a few months past the twenty-one-year mark.

Was she a pw/BPD?… I couldn't say, but I suspect now that yes she was, and also “comorbid” with some other dx’s most likely… all I knew about that was not too much, way back then, through the last eleven years with her… all I could conjure as to “why” is that because she was abused (sexually) as a child, age seven (maybe five), to age twelve, as she told me four years downrange… that she was pretty much ptsd/cptsd… I barely understood these terms back then… pre “Desert Storm” era… I used to think she had multiple personality disorder... but as I said… I didn't know much about anything, other that she was a bit crazy, and she would "act out"… ie' fight, go a bit crazy, run off to Lord only knew where, for days… suicide attempts (multiple)… and she liked to run around with other dudes, behind my back, and even after a while told me about it (!)… she had a penchant for sailors and cocaine (?)… yeah, she would "step out" while I was overseas in the Marines… and as well at home in "garrison" too!

What a wild ride, she left me and the kids several times over the years… she told me several times, “ya’ll are all better off without me”… I filed for divorce in 1995, but we 'reconciled'… post suicide attempt #1… then she ran off for good in 2006… and I became a single dad, with full custody (teenagers by then)... I mean she dropped off the face of the earth for almost three years…

Told me the day the divorce was final, that she had / had an abortion while I was in Japan, I was gone for six months, she got pregnant in while I was gone… crazy crazy crazy…

I sure did love her!… (codependency)… I read that in a 'pamphlet' I picked up at the air station clinic one day back in 1995, I was getting a flight deck physical… “hmmm, what's this, what does "codependency" mean”… … I was completely lost in the sauce (fog)… poor kid (me)!

Yeah, I held on till the bitter bitter end… she was my wife, of my youth, we had three beautiful children… wasn't going to let that go so easy… no.

So I divorced her in 2006, and met the current wife in 2007, we dated for four years (about) .. married in 2011… I read about BPD the summer of 2016… "light bulb!"…

Yeah, I should write a book… you know my BFF did, yeah, my best buddy back home... he wrote a book… he flew Apache gun ships in the first Gulf War… his wife left him… several times before and after… he wrote about it in his book… that and of his life flying helicopters in the Army... I want to stay in good graces here, so I won’t share the title or ISBN… too personal,

I guess all I got to say eggshellfiancee'… is to trust your gut… and to make the best decision that you possibly can with the information that is staring you in the face… and to ensure you take good care of yourself first !

This "life" thing, only get one shot at it (?)… so to quote the Crusader Knight… who said something along the lines of… "you must choose, but choose wisely, for as the real grail brings eternal life, the false grail brings misery."

… yeah I changed it : )

Good Luck !

Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
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