Feeling sick to my stomach about my BPD son

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi,
 Just a follow up to the other thread from yesterday I wrote about my BPD son lashing out at me and pushing me down.  I know I can't tolerate violence upon me, and I know he is a grown man that has to take responsibility.  Calling the police was difficult for me but I did it out of being terrified of him. 
 I am not even mad at him,  I am very sad and worried about him.  About myself too.  I wrote him a note(he doesn't respond well to me talking to him) that he gets help or I have to start eviction procedures on him ( he's almost 25 years old). No job, on pot and booze.I didn't put down a date yet of his leaving, but I am giving myself to early next week to do that.  I am also looking into short stay rooms for rent for  for him $500 or under ( if possible).  my signing a Lease won't work since he has no job and I have my name on my own place.  I also have a place to stay temporarily ( my brothers)in case he gets riled up again before he gets out.  I have 2 cats that he really cares about but I don't even trust him with them now. 

Back in 2009, he was 15 and was so violent he wound up with his father, then his Dad turned him  over to the state in order to for our son to be in the therapeutic hospital then group home.  We are here again , only I have no power over him as an adult.
I am at work now sobbing in my office..

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
 Just a follow up to the other thread from yesterday I wrote about my BPD son lashing out at me and pushing me down.  I know I can't tolerate violence upon me, and I know he is a grown man that has to take responsibility.  Calling the police was difficult for me but I did it out of being terrified of him. 
 I am not even mad at him,  I am very sad and worried about him.  About myself too.  I wrote him a note(he doesn't respond well to me talking to him) that he gets help or I have to start eviction procedures on him ( he's almost 25 years old). No job, on pot and booze.I didn't put down a date yet of his leaving, but I am giving myself to early next week to do that.  I am also looking into short stay rooms for rent for  for him $500 or under ( if possible).  my signing a Lease won't work since he has no job and I have my name on my own place.  I also have a place to stay temporarily ( my brothers)in case he gets riled up again before he gets out.  I have 2 cats that he really cares about but I don't even trust him with them now. 

Back in 2009, he was 15 and was so violent he wound up with his father, then his Dad turned him  over to the state in order to for our son to be in the therapeutic hospital then group home.  We are here again , only I have no power over him as an adult.
I am at work now sobbing in my office..

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Swimmy   

We're all with you. You've put in a safety plan for you, is key, you have your brother.

I'm wondering if you need more time at your bros to work out what, your next step is. It may help take the heat out of the situation for both of you?

Are you in contact with your son's father?

WDx

[smallbluething]

So sorry you are dealing with this but glad to hear you have a potential refuge at your brother's place if you need it - some distance and time away might be a really good thing for you. There's a lot of talk on here about self care with good reason - make sure you put that front and centre.

[Swimmy55]

Thanks. No his Dad is in the wind.  He was supposed to pick him up back in December and no one has heard from him since ( not unusual).  

Meanwhile my son is leaving hateful notes about how I don't help him and I need to come up with a new plan for him(?).

Maybe I will have to stay at my bro's for a while  it is so toxic here.

[Mirsa]

Swimmy,

I hope you won't be mad if I say this, but this really sounds like domestic violence.  Can you seek help with an organization that helps victims of domestic violence?  They have a lot of resources and I'm sure they have been through this before.  You really shouldn't have to leave the house.  Can you use the recent incident to get an order of protection and have him removed from the home in that way? 

If he has already been physical, and he is leaving you hateful notes, I'm worried this will escalate.  Can you develop a safety plan with some help of an organization or therapist?  There is no guarantee of your safety right now and if he is abusing substances, then he is not in his right mind, which makes the situation even more dangerous.

Please get help and keep us posted,
Mirsa

[Lollypop]

Hi Schwimmy

Meanwhile my son is leaving hateful notes about how I don't help him and I need to come up with a new plan for him(?).

He’s 25 and resists growing up and taking responsibility for himself. He looks to you to sort out his problems. He does this because that’s his “norm”. He’s reeling right now and telling you what he wants.

You are shifting the power in your relationship. You are saying “I’m sick of your behaviour”.

It seems a black white situation. There’s a huge grey area in the middle where a healthier relationship lies.

We found it best to get some space between us and our son. Given that your son is lashing out, it makes sense to put your safety first for as long as that takes.

Time to grow a thicker skin, straighten up your back and take one step at a time. Wipe your tears away Schwimmy - right now things may look desperate and bleak but you can move forwards from here. It starts here. Things can be different. With you changing your approach.

Each problem that arises, ask yourself “is this really my problem?” If not, it is gently placed in his lap with love. He will learn how to problem solve by making his own mistakes. If you want him out of your house, then he leaves.  He can find a bed with a friend for awhile - to bring some calm after this latest storm.

I totally understand organising a room and I would most probably do the same if I was in your situation - but actually that’s for you and your emotional need to protect. He’s 25 and overcomforted. He can organise buying his weed and beer so he’s got planning skills.

Hugs
LP

[Swimmy55]

Thank you so much for your replies. Mirsa and LP. My therapist,  my local NAMI and the police know. However good idea about calling domestic violence, too. Thanks about reminder of step at a time.
I stuck to my mantra today with him via text that his option is therapy or eviction. He made therapy appt for Tuesday.  I know not to have too much faith in his words, only his actions . I will keep you posted.