Borderline Ex has been deregulating since December...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All,
Ever since exBPD deregulated at the custody in early December things have gotten a lot worse.  I don't understand, she bought a new car, getting married and says how much she loves her life but I can get nonstop nasty bantering emails that serve no purpose.  I talked with my attorney today and he told me that I need to completely ignore her when it comes to nothing pertaining to my son.  Has anyone experience this type of miserable behavior in their exBPD.  It's like a light switch that just turned on.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello All,
Ever since exBPD deregulated at the custody in early December things have gotten a lot worse.  I don't understand, she bought a new car, getting married and says how much she loves her life but I can get nonstop nasty bantering emails that serve no purpose.  I talked with my attorney today and he told me that I need to completely ignore her when it comes to nothing pertaining to my son.  Has anyone experience this type of miserable behavior in their exBPD.  It's like a light switch that just turned on.

[ForeverDad]

I talked with my attorney today and he told me that I need to completely ignore her when it comes to nothing pertaining to my son.

She's an adult, court won't try to fix her nor save her from herself.  You would do well to adopt that perspective too.  You can't fix her, you can't save her from herself.  She's not listening to you, there's too much emotional baggage from the past relationship for her to listen to you.  Best that you let her live her life, however it turns out.

Your task is to focus on yourself and your children.  Your lawyer is right, to the extent possible, all you have left to communicate with each other is custody and parenting information.  With all she is doing to sabotage her own life, you can't help her to sabotage your life or your children's lives.  I know, you're the sort of person who cares and wants to help, that's the dilemma we too faced.  But you can't afford to get sidetracked into attempts that probably can't succeed.

If she wants to work on herself and start on the road to recovery we know you'll support that.  But until you have clear indication of that, if ever, then best to keep your distance and focus on yourself and your parenting.

[david]

I used to get many emails telling me what was wrong with me (2007-2010), that I'm an abuser, blah, blah, blah. I saved them all. At first, I replied defending myself. Eventually I ignored them. If there was something about our boys in one I would reply to that one thing but I still ignored the rest. It took ex several year to slow down (2010-2014). I would get around 3 a month after that time. In the last two years I have gotten a few ( one every other month) but nothing near what I used to get.

[Mutt]

I agree with your L and Foreverdad don’t pay attention to that stuff focus on anything regarding your kid - within reason if she keeps repeating herself or asking the same question with something that you already answered - say things once or maybe twice.

Im sorry that you’re going through this divorce is tough and it’s a different animal when you’re divorcing a pwBPD. This is defense mechanisms to protect her ego.

I also agree with dave save this emails. If they’re too frequent and if you’re feeling frayed when you read it create a message rule that forwards her email to separate folder so that it’s not in your inbox. Pick a day of the week thats going to be the day we’re you scan through these messages and look for something valid about the kids address that. I’d suggest setting 20 minutes to read these emails in the evening at the end of the day.

I responded to all of the stuff pertaining the kids and let them pile up until the next week and repeat the process. Not everything needs immediate attention. Do this for this stretch to give yourself a break and to self protect from her.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks everyone, I believe by me always ignoring her sets off her abandonment fear and that's why she deregulates.  I told my L that as long as she's not deregulating around me or my son I'm fine, I just don't want me son to learn the proper and wrong way to express anger.  When my son expresses negative emotions like anger I usually explain to him that expressing anger is normal and fine but how we express it is what matters.  For instance I told him that if you explain to people why you are mad as in "I am upset because I have to go to bed" that we can work through the emotions, instead of just throwing a tantrum.  With ex deregulating how she does, I'm just worried my work with my son will be canceled out.

[zachira]

Don't worry about your quality parenting with your son being canceled out by the time he spends with his mother. I was raised by a mother with BPD and NPD and a father with narcissistic traits. I was the family scapegoat like certain aunts and uncles on both sides of the family. The aunts and uncles that were scapegoats were very kind to me, and made a big difference in my life. The quality time you spend with your son and the behaviors he learns from you will be what likely determines how he turns out. Be sure and let you son know that he can talk to you at any time about anything anybody does that makes him feel uncomfortable, including his mother's behaviors. Also let him know that there is nothing okay about his mother's bad behaviors and as a child he deserves to have a parent that is there for him. You might consider having your son in therapy so he has safe place where he can talk and does not feel he has to side with one parent against the other. My main concern would be if your son has inherited some of his mother's predisposition to mental illness, and knowing what to look out for is important. You are lucky to have a son, as many boys whose parents are divorced choose to live full time with their father when they become adolescents, and this is a time when the Courts consider the child mature enough to be able to decide who he wants to live with.

[worriedStepmom]

I agree with zachira that it makes a huge difference to kids to have one parent who is trying to teach them emotional regulation.   
 If you can, it might also be good to have him spend time with you and any female family members or friends who can show him that not all women - or moms - are so emotionally unstable.

When I married my H, his daughter was 4.  H told me that my role as a stepmother was to show SD that "not all women are nuts".  Even though her uBPDmom had majority time, SD looked to us - and especially to me - for how to act.  I worked with her a lot on self-soothing and how to handle overwhelming emotions.  She started therapy at 10, and it really helped her - and your poor son will need it a lot sooner since his mom behaves worse than SD's.

Your son most likely already realizes that you are the stable parent.  He'll be watching you.  He'll try some of his mom's behaviors to see if he can get his way, but he'll most likely settle on being more like you.  Because you aren't always in emotional turmoil.  You are showing him a positive ideal to reach for.

[david]

Our boys were around 4.5 and 7.5 years old when my ex went off the deep end. She used serious alienation tactics against me through them. Ex also found a T for the boys. I made sure I was included. It only took two or three visits before the T realized I was not an issue. EX left that after she figured out she was the issue in the T's view.
I found a T that clicked for me after several attempts. The T helped me figure out that my stability would be the best thing for the boys. I focused on them and they eventually learned to trust me. That was the key in my situation. Our oldest started opening up first. Our youngest took a year or two more time.
Ex is still the same and has pushed them away with her unstable behaviors. They never know what will set her off and their coping strategy is to avoid any opening up to her.  They only say "safe" things to her or things they know she wants to hear. They are 15 and 20 now and she has no real relationship with either one.

[Newyoungfather]

Thanks everyone for your input.  Since my son is getting old enough to understand and talk, exBPD is getting out of control to deal with.  She is projecting A LOT at the moment, telling me that all I want to do is waste time and money in court.  I recently avoided answering those emails in general, I get emails that have no questions in them so they don't even warrant a response from me.  I'm not dating anyone however I do have female friends (exBPD could never understand that I could have female non sexual friends).  ExBPD completely lost it when my son said one of my female friends names the one time, non stop text messages and phone calls stating I have numerous women living in my house, etc, etc, blah blah.  My attorney recently told me that I am truly protected by the court order, I answer only questions pertaining to my son and whats in the court order, exBPD doesn't like it but oh well.

[david]

One thing that helped me a in our court order. I wrote that changes to the court order can be made provided it is through email and there are emails from both parents explicitly agreeing to the change. This has happened a few times and I always make sure I put in my email that this is a one time change and not to be considered a permanent change.

[Turkish]

It's none of her business whom you hang out with.  The reverse is also true, as long as you both keep your son safe.